by Dee Mann
"I know." Her voice was soft and serious.
"What?" Jenna asked.
"Or he's thinking about the future. His future with Jilli."
"Oh my gosh, Liz, you're right." Then to Jillian she said, "He likes you that much he's already thinking about…"
"Don't say it. Please, don't say it. I don't want to think about it."
The possibilities were overwhelming her. She hadn't really thought through the implications of Paul's refusal last night, and now that her friends had followed the logic to its denouement, she was feeling very nervous. But there'd be no jumping to conclusions for her.
"Then all I'll say," Jenna added, "is that he has it bad for you girl."
"Oh yah," Liz agreed, "really, really bad."
Next, Jillian phoned Julia to find out what time they'd be picking her up.
"We're leaving mom and dad's house now so we should be there in about half an hour or so. I'll call you when we get there."
Jillian's parents and her sister Jessica lived in Southborough, about 25 miles west of Boston. Julia lived in Northborough, only five miles from her parents. Joanne also lived close-by, in Shrewsbury. Their brother James shared an apartment with three other BU students in Allston, close to the University.
She jumped into the shower, hurried into khakis and her favorite t-shirt and was ready and waiting when her cell phone rang.
1:10 PM
Julia's tan Toyota was double-parked behind two other vehicles. As she approached the car, Jillian saw Joanne in the front passenger seat and an unhappy-looking Jessica in the rear. She slid in beside her and said, "What's wrong now?"
"Well hello to you, too." Joanne made a face at her.
"Sorry," she said sweetly. "Hi Julie, hi Jo, hi Jessie. Now tell me what's wrong." She was staring at Jessie.
"Nothing. It's not important."
Julie, who had been taking a sip of water from a bottle, almost choked. "Are you kidding? We've been listening to you for forty minutes and now you tell Jilli it's nothing, it's not important?"
"Yah," Jo agreed. "Either you tell her or I'll tell her."
Jessie sighed. She seemed to want to cry, but Jillian knew she would not. Her baby sister was an eighteen year old stoic, or at least pretended to be. Growing up, she was never given to tears or emotional displays in public. Where a skinned knee or sprained wrist would send her sisters into fits of weeping, Jessie invariably set her jaw and refused to cry. She saved her tears for when she was alone. The only time anyone could remember her crying in public was when their grandfather had passed away three years ago.
Jillian reached for her hand. "Come on Jess, spill it."
Jessie took a deep breath and let it out with a whoosh. "Ethan and I had a big fight yesterday. My friend Gail saw him making out with Dedee Sidman at the mall. He didn't even try to deny it."
Jillian wanted to throw her arms around her sister and hold her, but she knew Jessie would never allow it, at least not in front of the others.
"I'm guessing you two split up?"
Jessica nodded silently.
"And there's more?"
Again Jessica just nodded.
"Now she doesn't have a date for the prom next week," Julia said. "The little creep is taking Slutty Sidman."
"Oh sweetie, I'm sorry. That really sucks. Isn't there anyone else at school you can ask?"
Jessica's eyes answered before her words. "Sure, if I want to go with a druggie or one of the geeks." She turned away and stared out the window. "I'd rather die than be seen with any of those guys."
"Why don't you go alone and have a good time?"
"We tried that suggestion already," Jo told her.
Jessie glared at Joanne then said to Jillian, "I can't show up alone if he'll be there with her. It would be too humiliating. I'll just stay home. And I'm not going with Jimmy. How desperate would that look?"
She was still turned toward the window, but Jillian was sure she could see moisture filling the corner of her sister's eye.
5:20 PM
Jillian and Julia stood side-by-side in front of a mirror wall examining the dresses they'd tried on. Julie was singing along quietly as Beyonce's Me, Myself, and I played over the store's PA system.
At five foot five, Julia was two inches shorter than Jillian, and the ten extra pounds she never lost after having her third child had settled in her breasts and backside, much to the delight of her husband Matthew. Still, she only outweighed her sister by five pounds.
Jillian's one hundred twenty-five pounds were distributed perfectly on her frame. She was the only one of the four sisters who really could not find much fault with the way nature had sculpted her.
"What do you think?" She turned slowly.
"I think you look great in that."
"I agree. I'm getting this one."
Joanne had been the first to find her outfit, in the second store they'd visited. She was the tallest of the sisters at five feet nine and a half inches. She had ballooned up to 160 pounds during her recent pregnancy, but since delivering the baby, had managed to shed nearly all the weight she'd gained. Only her breasts were larger than they'd been and she knew they'd remain so as long as she continued nursing. Like Julia's husband, Joanne's hubby, Tom, was not complaining at all.
Joanne had combined a thin, black, sleeveless boyfriend sweater and a pink chiffon skirt with black floral embroidery on the bottom half to create an ensemble that was modest, striking, and very pretty.
Six stores later, Jillian had now found hers.
She was wearing a deep burgundy faux wrap dress with a v-neck and three-quarter sleeves. The matte jersey material hugged her just enough to be alluring.
I wonder what Paul would think if he saw me in it.
As she thought his name, Anne Murray started singing Could I Have This Dance, the first song they'd danced to last night. She smiled at the timing.
She'd been dying to tell her sisters about him, but held back, not wanting to flaunt her happiness in the face of Jessie's misery.
Joanne and Jessie emerged from the changing room. Jessie was wearing a strapless candy apple red tieback sheath that hung perfectly on her model-thin five foot six inch body.
When Julia saw her, she sighed and said, "You have no idea how much I hate you for being able to wear that. You look absolutely delicious." Turning sideways, she gazed at her reflection in the mirror. "I don't care how much Matty says he likes the new me, this big butt has to go. And if the boobs go too, so be it."
Even Jessie laughed a bit at that.
By six o'clock, they'd all found clothes, shoes, and accessories and were walking back to the parking garage. It had been a fun afternoon, filled with the kinds of news and gossip and teasing and confidences only sisters can share.
They were a block from the garage when Jessie said, "So Jilli, when are you going to tell us about the guy you were with last night?"
Jillian was confused and it showed. How could Jessie know about Paul? "What makes you think I was with a guy last night?"
"Jimmy called me this morning to say hi. He said he saw you getting all cozy with some guy in one of those horse drawn carriages." She flipped open her cell phone. "Shall we call him and find out if he was lying?"
Jillian explained why she hadn't wanted to say anything and Jessie assured her it was okay.
"Let's put this stuff in the trunk and go get something to eat and I'll tell you all about him."
7:10 PM
An hour later, the sisters were finishing the last bites of their sandwiches as Jillian recounted the walk on the beach and their first breathtaking kiss under the full moon.
"Oh Jilli, that is so romantic. I'm getting hot just listening to you. No wonder you didn't answer your phone this morning. You were probably doing the wild thing with him for the fifth time or something."
Jillian shook her head and completed the story with details of their parting.
"This guy said he loves you but didn't want to sleep with you?" Julia coul
dn't believe what she heard.
"No. I said I invited him up and he said no because he didn't want us to end up like all his previous relationships where they jumped right into sex. And he never said he loved me. I said I saw it in his eyes."
Jessica rolled her own eyes. "Seems to me that if he really cared that much he'd want to get naked with you."
"No," said Joanne. "I think I understand what he meant. He wants to wait until they form other bonds…friendship, respect…that kind of stuff. That way, when they do it, the relationship will be about more than great sex…" She paused for a beat and grinned. "…assuming, of course, the rest of him is as talented as his lips."
"And you really think he could be the one?"
Jillian still did not want to think about what Liz and Jenna alluded to earlier in the day, but her sisters weren't her friends and felt no obligation to let her hide from her feelings. As her story progressed, they had badgered her with questions and comments until Jillian gave in and admitted the inexplicable depth of feelings she had for Paul.
"I don't know, Julie. He's just the nicest guy. And it's like…it's like he knows me, like he's known me forever. It was kind of creepy at first, but the more I was with him the more I started feeling it, too. A connection of some sort."
Jillian took a deep breath and let it out very slowly. "I don't know. Maybe I'm kidding myself. Maybe it's all because of what happened last night. But I do feel differently around him than I ever have with any other guy. Including you-know-who."
Julian and Joanne nodded.
"Aiden," Jessica said, "right? You know, I'm less than a month away from being legal. Are you ever going to tell me what really happened back then?"
"Shut up, Jessie. You know she doesn't like to…"
"That's okay, Julie. Maybe it is time she knew." She turned to Jessica. "How much do you remember?"
"I remember you were engaged to some guy named Aiden and then you weren't. And nobody would ever tell me why. I mean, I knew that ‘they just decided to call it off' stuff was crap. Nobody spends months crying over and years refusing to talk about a mutual decision."
Jillian smiled at her little sister. "I wish you could hear yourself. Half the time you sound like a kid and the other half like a college professor. You are going to have them scratching their heads for sure, wherever you decide to go next year."
"Yah, yah, blah, blah. So you gonna spill it or what?"
"See! But okay.
"You know that he…Aiden…was my first real love, right?"
Jessie's shrug drew a sigh from her sister.
Just start from the beginning.
"We met when I was a freshman and he was a junior. He said he saw me walking on Comm Ave. with Liz and knew right then I was ‘the one.'"
Her fingers made quotation marks in the air.
"He chased after me for, I don't know…it must have been two months before I agreed to go out with him.
"He was handsome, and charming, and smart, and so intense, and I could tell he really, really liked me. And we had a great time He was…" She felt herself starting to blush. "…the first guy I ever slept with on the first date."
Jessica's eyes widened at the revelation.
"Two weeks later, we were living together in his apartment and just before spring break, he proposed."
This time, her eyes nearly popped. "Living together! Does ma know you two were…"
"No! And you better not ever tell her. You know how…"
"Chill, will ya. You think I'm stupid? I still live there. If she ever found out, I'm the one who'd pay for it."
Her sisters laughed.
"Mom would probably lock her in her room so she wouldn't follow your bad example."
"You're probably right, Jo. I'm sorry, Jess."
"Whatever. So keep going."
"Well, except for holidays, we were pretty much inseparable for the next…ahh…fourteen months, I guess. We…"
"Wait a minute. Were you living with him that summer?"
Jillian nodded.
"But how did you keep ma from finding out?"
"Jenna was taking summer classes so she got to keep the dorm room. I got a summer job at a supermarket and told ma I was staying with Jenna so she wouldn't have to be alone."
"You lied to her! And she bought it?"
An abashed grin scrunched Jillian's face and furrowed her brow.
"Jilli was the good girl," Julie said. "Don't you remember? The new Madonna. And I don't mean the singer. Ma would believe anything her little pet told her."
"Well, you and Jo made it so easy. All I had to do was stay out of trouble. If you two had just…"
"Stop! Finish the story. And will you two please keep quiet."
"I have a better idea. Come on, Jo. I have to pee."
As her sisters stood, Jillian continued.
"Do you remember the wedding was going to be at the end of June, about a month after Aiden graduated?"
Jessie nodded.
"Well, after his parents left, we went to a big party that lasted all night. When we finally got home we…" She felt her face growing hot again. "ummm…fooled around for most of the morning and then fell asleep.
"I woke up a little after five in the afternoon and Aiden was gone. At first, I thought he ran out for food or wine. But once I got out of bed, I found a note leaning against the wine bottle we used as a candle holder."
She didn't realize how much of the pain of recalling that day showed on her face and in her eyes until she saw Jessie's face change.
"Oh, Jilli. This is really hurting you. I'm sorry. Just stop. I don't need to know this now. Maybe some other time, when it…"
"No. No. I've avoided this ghost for too long. I'll tell you then I'll lock him away forever." Her eyes dropped to her empty plate. "I must have read that letter a hundred times. However many it was, I can remember it like it was yesterday. It said
Dearest Jillian,
I am sorry, but I cannot marry you. By the time you read this, I will be far away. Please know that it is not you. You have always been my heart and soul and I will always love you.
I cannot explain why I am leaving for I don't really understand it myself. I only know that what I thought was true is not and I must search for the real truth or never find a moment's peace.
I will return someday, I hope, once I have found the answers to the questions that now haunt me. When that day comes, I'll find you, and hope that no matter where your life has led you, you'll have found a way to forgive me.
Please think of me now and then, once you have stopped hating me, for I will think of you always, and hold you in my heart no matter where I am.
Aiden
When she looked up, Jillian saw tears in her sister's eyes.
"Oh, Jilli. How could he do that? How could he hurt you like that? What an asshole. Now I understand why you cried so much. And now I feel even worse for making you tell me. I'm so sorry. I…"
"Jess, it's okay. I wanted to tell you. Really. Just let me finish so I can put an end to him."
Jessica nodded as she wiped her eyes.
"It took me almost a full year to let go of him, of the love and the hate. But I did. I moved on. And now…now it's been five years…and I hardly ever think about him and what might have been."
Jessica heard the words, but could see the change in her sister.
She was so happy before when she was talking about new guy. And now she looks so sad. And it's my fault. No wonder Ethan dumped me. What a loser I am.
Jillian shook her head to dislodge the ghost. She didn't want to think of Aiden ever again. A small part of her might still be conflicted about her feelings for him, but now that she'd met the man who might share her life, she would not allow any phantoms or feelings from the past to mess things up.
"Are you planning to tell Paul about him?"
"Of course. But not right away. I mean, your past lovers aren't something you share on the second date."
She heard Julia chuckle as
she and Joanne took their seats. "It seems to me last night could have qualified for at least four pretty fabulous dates."
"That's right," Jessie said, "and now that you've had four dates, it's about time for the horizontal hokey-pokey."
Her sisters burst out laughing.
"Where did you come up with that?" Joanne asked, wiping tears from her eyes.
"Some old romance novel I found in the attic. Mom has tons of them up there."
Julia reached over and touched Jillian's hand. "May we assume the story's over?"
Jillian nodded.
"Good. So when do we get to meet this new dreamboat?"
"Never. Or at least not until I have a chance to warn him. You three would scare the poor guy half to death. I'd never see him again."
"We wouldn't do that. Really!" Joanne almost sounded sincere. "Come on, call him and have him come over here to meet us."
Jillian refused, but her sisters began to protest and whine, promise and beg, wheedle and nag until they convinced her they would be on their best behavior.
"But I don't even know where he is. He said he might be going out with friends." She really didn't like this idea but was running out of reasonable excuses.
"Just call him and see," Jessie said. "Come on, how often do Jo and Julie get a whole day off like this? It will be fun. And we promise to be good, don't we?"
Her sisters held up their right hands and crossed their hearts with their left as they did when they were all little girls.
Crap! There's no way out of this.
He answered on the third ring.
"Hey Jilli! What a nice surprise! Are you done with your sisters already?"
He knew it was me. Oh, right, Caller ID.
"Hi Paul. No we're in Delaney's Grille. We had sandwiches and were talking, and I thought I'd call to see where you were."
"I'm at DHL with a bunch of people. Are your sisters there? Did you tell them about me?"