Anywhere But Here

by Stephanie Hoffman McManus

  “Hold up a second, Shae.” When I turned back, Derek was watching me, and when he saw that he had my attention, he held up a finger indicating he wanted me to wait, and then he went about bandaging the finished leg piece on his client and going through after care instructions.

  The other artist was still intently focused on her human canvas, but I had no doubt her ears had been just as tuned in to my drama as Laurel’s, but she chose to keep her nose out of it. Derek, it seemed, was opting to butt in. I didn’t know what he wanted to say, and I wouldn’t have waited around to find out, except that a part of me felt like I owed it to him to at least listen. Derek was Nash’s best friend long before I met them, but Derek had been my friend too. He’d been kind and when things went to hell, he was on my side.

  He settled up with his client and then walked over. “I can do your tat. If you want.”

  Not quite what I’d expected. “I don’t know. I think I should just go.”

  He scraped a hand over his dark hair, cut much shorter than he used to keep it. “Look, I’m sure there are a million questions you’re dying to ask, but you’ll never ask him. So ask me instead.”

  “Why?”

  “Come on, Shae. It’s been a long time. Just humor me. I doubt he’ll be back tonight so you got nothing to worry about, and I’ll give you the friends’ discount for old times’ sake.”

  At my hesitation, he pressed. “You want the ink right? I’m giving you a good discount, and you’re not going to find a better shop around here. We’re the best, and this is probably you’re only shot at Nash being out of the shop.”

  “I see you’re as cocky as ever.” Without thinking about it, I gave his shoulder a friendly shove and then realized what I’d done. I drew my hand back awkwardly and shifted uncomfortably on my feet, but Derek simply grinned at the familiar contact.

  “Some things never change even when the rest of the world gets turned upside down.”

  “Whatever. The tattoo shouldn’t take long, so if you’ve got something to say, I hope you can get it out fast.”

  “Alright,” his grin spread. “Follow me back to my work station.”

  “Uh, actually, we’re going to need to go back there.” I pointed to the station with the privacy curtain.

  Derek blew out a nervous sigh, “I suppose I should have asked where you wanted the tat before I offered.”

  “Just on my back, but I’m going to need to take my shirt off. I trust you’ll be professional.” I cocked one brow.

  “Of course, but that’s not going to make shit difference when Nash hears I had you in there. He’s going to kill me.”

  I rolled my eyes and walked past the female artist, catching her observing us out of the corner of her eye while she dabbed at her client’s piece, blotting a bit of blood. “I doubt he’ll care one way or the other,” I threw over my shoulder, only to be halted when Derek put his hands on my shoulders, spinning me a fraction so I was facing the back wall dead on, and then he ushered me closer until I was directly in front of the angel painting.

  “Trust me. He’s going to care.”

  I tried to turn my head, protest ready on my tongue, but Derek clasped his hands on either side of my head and forced my gaze forward. “Before you try to tell me again that he won’t care if I’m within ten feet of you topless, look closer.”

  I was looking, but I wasn’t seeing whatever he– holy fuck.

  He didn’t.

  I looked closer, zeroing in on a very specific marking, and then widened my gaze to take in the whole painting objectively.

  He did.

  How did I miss it earlier?

  “Why?” I wasn’t sure if I asked the question out loud or just in my head until Derek answered.

  “Do you really have to ask?”

  I spun around. “I’m asking, aren’t I?”

  “Then you don’t know as much about what happened as you think you do.”

  “Whatever. It doesn’t matter now.” Another lie. Because it did matter, but it couldn’t. No going back and no sense trying. “Can we just get this over with?”

  He stepped back, allowing me to pass, and then followed me over to the work station.

  I was nervous as I explained to Derek what I wanted, and when he asked to see where it was going, I hesitated, wanting to back out.

  “I can leave while you take your shirt off. I won’t look at anything, I swear.” He thought my nerves were due to having to expose my body to him. That’s not what I was afraid of him seeing, but I’d come this far. There was always a chance he wouldn’t notice. If he did, I had to trust he would keep his mouth shut. Before I could change my mind, I turned my back to him and drew my shirt over my head.

  “Whew,” he let out an impressed whistle as I exposed my back to him, holding my shirt in front of me to cover my chest even though I was still wearing my bra, which would have to come off once he started working. “That’s incredible work,” he commented and then his breath caught, and I knew what he was seeing.

  “Wait, is that supposed to be–”

  “Yes, now can you please just get to work?” I’d had a lot of ink done over the past few years, the majority on my upper body, and the biggest piece by far was my back. It took several sessions to complete, but it turns out it wasn’t quite complete. There was room for more.

  A large oak tree ran the length of my left side from just above the swell of my backside up to the curve of my shoulder, shadowing a field of yellow daisies and dandelions that stretched to meet the cloudy sky, a very specific shade of blue. I’d made sure the artist got it just right. I knew though, that it wasn’t the color Derek was picking up on. It was everything else.

  The design was pulled from a place that really existed. A place that I’d once believed was as close to Heaven as I would get here on this earth. The sun shone from over my right shoulder, bright rays of light bursting through the clouds. Two pretty, little birds flew toward that bright light, away from the shadow of the tree.

  “Will it fit?” I asked, hoping what I wanted wouldn’t be any trouble to add.

  “Yeah. I can do it, no problem, but can I ask you the same question you asked me a few minutes ago? Why?”

  I shrugged, whispering “It was always a safe place for me.” Even now, it remained untainted by all the ugly. In my head, it was still a beautiful sanctuary that offered escape for my mind when life was too much.

  I sat and waited while he did the work up, and then he brought it back to me. “Is that what you had in mind, coming off one of the branches?”

  “Yeah, that’s perfect.”

  I got into position and for the next forty-five minutes, I retreated, closing my eyes, focusing on my breathing and not feeling while he prepped the spot and then went to work.

  Unfortunately I couldn’t tune him out when he started talking. “I get why you don’t want to be friends, but you could at least sit down with the guy, have coffee and let him ease his guilt a bit, Shae. It would be good for you too, I think. You can go back to New York with a bit more closure.”

  “You’re wasting your breath Derek. I can’t do it.”

  He didn’t push anymore after that and the only sound that filled the space was the off and on hum of the needle and the inaudible murmurs of the girls.

  “Derek, can I ask you something?” It’d been on my mind since earlier.

  “Shoot.”

  “Why does he go by Crash now?”

  He let out a laugh. “He doesn’t. He hates it. It’s just a little nickname he picked up a while back. Mostly just the girls and a few regulars use it.”

  “It’s an unusual nickname,” I prodded.

  “Not for a guy who spends more time in the ER than the nurses, and spends more money repairing his bike than most people spend on vehicles in a lifetime.”

  “He wrecks a lot? Then why does he keep riding?”

  “He’ll never stop,” he laughed dryly.

  “What? Has he got some kind of death wish?”

&
nbsp; No response came and when his hand pulled away from my back, I craned my head over my shoulder. “Does he?”

  “I wouldn’t say it’s a death wish, but sometimes I think the only time he feels alive anymore is when he’s pushing the limits, doing something stupid and reckless.”

  I sighed and let my head fall forward again. “He’s always been reckless.”

  “This is different Shae. I know you don’t want to hear it, but after you left, I think maybe he did have a death wish, and the first time he wrecked his bike, he almost got what he wanted. He pulled himself together and he’s got a good thing going for him here, but he hasn’t been whole in a long time.”

  It seemed only fair. Neither had I. I didn’t say that aloud though. I didn’t say anything. Kellen was a big boy. If he wanted to make stupid choices, well they were his choices to make. I sure as hell wasn’t going to feel guilty. What reason did I have to feel guilty? None.

  Damn Derek.

  “You said he pulled himself together? So he’s doing better now?”

  “Yeah. He is, but sometimes I think something inside of him shut down. I don’t know, but shit back then messed with him bad and most days I think he’s still trying to deal.”

  I knew all about that. Didn’t matter how long ago it was, the effects were long lasting and far reaching.

  Derek was almost finished when I heard someone come into the shop. It only took a moment to realize Kellen was back. I tensed and Derek felt it. “Almost done. I’ll have you out of here in no time. Just relax.”

  “Who’s he got back there?” Kellen’s voice was loud enough to reach us clearly.

  This time it was Derek who tensed, the needle stilling momentarily.

  “What the fuck!” Now Kellen sounded more than a little pissed.

  “Told you he wouldn’t like it,” Derek murmured.

  “Just shut up and finish,” I breathed as heavy footsteps thudded this way. “Kellen Nash I swear to Jesus, Joseph and Mary that if you pull back that curtain, I will stab you with Derek’s needle.”

  The footsteps stopped and Kellen uttered a string of curses under his breath. The needle stopped again and I heard Derek’s soft chuckle, before he muttered. “He’s really going to kill me now.”

  The sting of the needle returned, and within two minutes, he was pulling away, saying, “There, all done.”

  He wheeled his chair around, two handheld mirrors in his hand. He gave me one and held one over my back and we moved them around until I could see the finished work. “I love it. Thank you,” I said softly. He gave a single nod, and then went to work bandaging it carefully. When it was finished, he asked if I wanted him to send in one of the girls to help me redress. I declined the offer and he left me alone. Forgoing the bra, I carefully slipped my loose tee on and then shoved the under garment in my purse.

  I steeled myself and then drew the curtain back, avoiding the heated pair of eyes I could feel burning my skin. “How much do I owe you, Derek?” I walked over to where he was leaning against the counter.

  “Nothing. Don’t worry about it.”

  “Isn’t that sweet,” Kellen sneered. I squeezed my eyes shut, sucking in a deep breath.

  “Man, it’s not like that and you know it,” Derek retorted.

  Not wanting to listen to whatever argument was going to ensue, I reached into my purse, pulled out a fifty and thrust it at Derek. “Here.” I didn’t even wait for him to take it. I just let it fall to the floor and hurried to get out of there.

  “Is that a tip for services rendered?” This time Kellen’s dig was aimed solely at me.

  I froze, spun and marched toward him, letting the walls down on the anger I was holding inside. “You don’t get to say a word. You painted a naked picture of me on your damn wall,” I screeched, flinging my hand out to point at the angel with the faint but oddly specific birth mark on her hip that I’d missed the first time because it was almost covered by one of the wings and the same pert little nose and barely tinted green eyes I saw in the mirror every day.

  His lips parted and I narrowed my gaze, just daring him to deny it. His mouth snapped shut and his mouth pulled into a tight line.

  It was my turn to storm out and leave him standing there.

  Six

  Kellen

  April 29

  Present …

  “What the fuck man?” I practically shouted once she was out the door.

  “Take it the fuck down a notch.” He bent and retrieved the bill from where it landed on the floor. “You’re acting like a jackass for no reason.” He pocketed the money.

  “Why did you have her behind the curtain?” I was being irrational, but it didn’t matter. She came out of there obviously braless, which meant he was in there with her topless. How the hell was she okay with that when she couldn’t even stand to look at me, let alone allow me anywhere near her?

  “Calm down and think about what it is you’re asking me. You know damn well you’re overreacting. I inked a little fucking bird on her back. That’s it. Didn’t see or touch shit besides that. Although, I don’t see how it matters considering you did paint her tits on the wall for the whole fucking world to see.”

  He’d never once brought up the painting before. I always suspected he knew, but we didn’t talk about her. Ever. And seeing a black and white painting of something was not the same as seeing it in real living color. Fucking trust me on that one. I stepped up to get in his face. “There’s a fucking difference, so how closely did you check to confirm the likeness?” I growled.

  He shoved me back. “Seriously, dude? What the fuck? I already told you I didn’t see shit, and I didn’t need to. I steered her over there and her reaction confirmed it for me.”

  “Why the hell would you do that?”

  “Because you’re both so fucking hung up on the past, but neither one of you wants to admit it.”

  I scoffed. “The only thing that girl is hung up on is hating my guts.”

  “That girl couldn’t hate you if she tried, but she sure as hell is trying.”

  “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” She hated me alright. It was all in the eyes.

  “I know that she’s still fucking inside you man, that you’ve never gotten her out, and after today, I’d bet money it’s the same for her. All that hate you’re seeing, I don’t think it is hate. I think it’s pain and anger, and you can ask the girls on this one, but seven years seems a long time to carry around that amount of hurt for someone that doesn’t mean anything to you.”

  “Leave me out of this.” Marcy lifted her hands in a gesture of surrender. “I don’t want any part of your man drama.”

  Laurel had no such reservations about butting in. “I agree with D. She definitely has some strong feelings, and while they’re not positive, fluffy feelings, that kind of passion only comes from one place. For you to have hurt her that bad, she had to have loved you a hell of a lot, and it’s my experience love like that burns itself inside of you in a way you can’t just put it out.”

  “We were fucking kids. What the hell did either one of us know about loving anything?” The words tasted bitter in my mouth. Denying that I’d loved her was like denying everything I was. If I hadn’t loved her so fucking much, I wouldn’t have done what I did. Not that, I’m sure, she would ever see it like that. Didn’t matter that I regretted it, that now I wished I had made different choices. My world was small and dark back then, and she was at the center of it, the only bright spot in all that darkness. At seventeen, I didn’t see a whole lot of options ahead of me, but the one thing I’d known for certain was that I’d do anything for her, give up anything for her. So I did. I gave up everything and we both hated me for it.

  “Right. So then you won’t mind if I go try and catch up with her and tell her the truth.”

  Squeezing my fists into a tight ball, I held myself in check. He was pushing, but I had to make one thing very clear. “You’re not going breathe a fucking word to her about what you think you
know.”

  He snorted disapprovingly. “Why not? It’d clear shit up real fast. You want her to stop hating you? Let me tell her what really happened.”

  “No,” I ground out through a clenched jaw.

  “Yeah, tell me again about how you didn’t really love her.”

  I took a step back. “Just leave it alone, D. If she wants to hate me, let her.” What difference would it make now? “I’m out. Make sure you guys lock up.”

  It was Laurel’s voice I heard as I pushed my way through the door and into the night. “What the hell happened back then?”

  Just before the door swung shut behind me, Derek answered her. “So much.”

  That about summed it up.

  Fate, chance, whatever you wanted to call it, almost eight years ago it intervened in the lives of two kids who never should have crossed paths, and played a cruel joke on them. Sometimes I thought back to Ms. Renner’s English class and wondered what would have happened if she’d never assigned that stupid project, or if Shae and I had drawn different numbers. Our lives would have gone on like normal, neither one of us knowing what could happen when the troubled bad boy going nowhere and the unattainable cheerleader with a bright future were thrust together.

  So what did happen? Something that never should have been, because only in fantasies do guys like me get the girl, and there was no question, that Shae was her. The girl every guy wished he could have. The worst part was, none of them even knew her. Guys like her douchebag ex-footballer, Jeremy Black, and the rest of them, they just saw the same thing I saw before that year. Perfection. The kind you want to touch and own, just to see if it could be real.

  Jeremy wanted her to make himself look good. He actually believed he deserved her, was entitled to her.

  It was a lie though. All of it. He never deserved her, and she wasn’t perfect. She was more than that. Perfection isn’t real. It’s an idea, the thing we all reach for, but can never quite touch, the one thing we think we need and then we’ll have it made. The truth is, even if we could somehow reach that image of perfection we have in our heads, it still wouldn’t be enough, because like I said it’s a lie.