Anywhere But Here

by Stephanie Hoffman McManus

  I searched around for something to tuck the pictures away in it to take with me, and I uncovered another one buried under some papers on a shelf under the counter. My heart clenched and I felt myself being sucked into the past as I stared at the photograph of him. I placed it in the small box I found and then laid the rest on top.

  It didn’t take long to skim through the paperwork and get everything signed. My phone rang just as I was scribbling out the last signature. Dropping the pen, I grabbed for my purse, cursing the size of it as I dug for my phone. It was a wasted effort when I saw who was calling. I had nothing to say to her. Not now. Not after years of enduring her silence, especially when I’d needed her most.

  Ignoring her calls every day last week had led to me missing the funeral. It was only on Thursday night that I finally caved and listened to one of the many voicemails she’d left. It was my own fault that I had to find out that way, and yet part of me still wanted to blame her. She’d caused this rift between us that had spread into an unbreachable chasm.

  She knew I was in town because I’d called her back Thursday night only to let her know that I would be coming down to take care of everything. Our conversation had gone no further. There was nothing left that she could have to say to me now, so I let it ring and ring until my voicemail picked it up.

  Needing something in my empty stomach besides coffee, I locked up and headed for the sandwich shop down the street on foot. My eyes caught on the big, sleek, black and silver chrome bike parked in front of Bulletproof Ink. He’d wanted a bike since he was six years old and his father took him for a ride on the back of his. He told me that was the only good memory he had of his dad before he left them and wound up in prison. His mother took her cues from him and bailed too, not long after.

  It had been engrained in Kellen from an early age that giving up and walking away was easier than staying and fighting, so how could I have expected anything different? I was the one who left town, but he was the one who turned his back on us after walking all over my heart and smashing it into a hundred million pieces. I was sure that size twelve tread was still imprinted on what I’d managed to stitch back together.

  The only useful piece of advice my mother ever gave me was when she warned me not to let Kellen Nash anywhere near my heart. I should have listened. I wasn’t one of those people who believed there was a purpose to my pain, that I was better for having gone through it. Sure I was stronger, and I’d learned some heavy lessons, but I didn’t think any of it made me better. I actually missed the girl that I was before Kellen Nash. She was just one more thing I lost, one more thing he took from me, because after him, that sweet, kind, hopeful girl who believed in the best of people and this world, disappeared. She was long fucking gone, and in her place was something I’d never wanted to be. Angry, bitter, jaded, emotionally closed off.

  I got my lunch and carried it back to Didi’s. I made it to the door of the shop before I heard a car door open and came face to face with my mother climbing out of a shiny Mercedes. She was as put together as ever, designer everything, hair elegantly styled and highlighted, her make-up perfect–a complete contrast to my ripped jeans, five dollar white tee, knock off leather jacket, worn in Chuck Taylor’s, no make-up at all and hair falling messily down my back. I could only imagine what she was making of my appearance, but I’d stopped striving to please her right around the time my world fell apart and she told me it was my own fault. As if I didn’t already know that. I’d needed my mother in that moment, not an “I told you so” lecture.

  “What do you want?”

  She stopped, still several feet from me, looking surprisingly nervous. “I just wanted to see how you’re holding up. You wouldn’t answer my calls, but I thought I might find you here.”

  “Well you did and I’m fine, so you can go.”

  Instead she came closer, looking more like the confident, pushy woman I remembered. “I know this has to be hard for you. I want to help if I can, with whatever you need.”

  Who the hell was she? She looked like my mother, but she didn’t sound like my mother. “A little late for you to be offering help don’t you think?”

  Her composure cracked just a little. “I don’t think it’s ever too late for a mother to try.” Her words lacked conviction, because we both knew better.

  “I needed you to try back then. I don’t need anything from you now.” I turned my back to her and let myself into the shop. I closed and locked the door behind me, refusing to acknowledge her still standing out there on the sidewalk. I took my lunch into the back room, out of sight of the large windows, and took my time eating and texting Lizzie, hoping my mother would be gone when I went back out there.

  Unfortunately, as I was gathering up my trash, someone started pounding persistently at the door out front. They continued pounding until I stepped out into view. The upside was that it wasn’t my mother. The downside was that I think I would have preferred my mother.

  I would have left him standing out there, but I was afraid if I didn’t open the door, he would start beating on it again until it shattered.

  “What?” I snapped once I had it open.

  “What the hell is wrong with you? Your mother sat in her car waiting for you for twenty minutes, only to have you shut the door in her face, and then she stood out here waiting another half an hour hoping you would come back out.”

  “I don’t see how that’s any of your business.”

  “You’re right, it’s not, but someone needs to fucking get through to you. She’s your mother.”

  “You know as well as I do how little that means,” I shot back.

  “The difference, sweetheart, is that mine never tried to make things right.”

  “It’s a little too late for mine to try that bullshit.” I folded my arms in front of my chest.

  “Are you even hearing yourself? There was a time you would have killed for your mom to make even a little effort. Open your fucking eyes, because from where I’m standing you’re getting what you wanted more than anything.”

  “Past tense. You don’t have a clue about what I want now, but I’ll help you out. It involves you leaving me alone.”

  He shook his head in obvious disgust. “Believe me, I’d love to, but I just thought someone should point out to you that you need to grow up and get over yourself. Stop punishing everyone for the past you’re still stuck in. In case you hadn’t noticed, you’re running low on family. The way I see it, that woman’s all you got left and someday you might just find yourself all alone and wishing you had taken the chance to fix things when you had it.”

  I pulled in a deep breath and let it out slowly, easing my rising anger. “Some shit can’t be fixed.”

  “Or you’re just too much of a coward.” His words slapped me in the face.

  “That’s real rich coming from you.”

  He laughed. “So fucking what. News flash, you might have changed for the worse, but some of us didn’t, and I’m not going to let you make me feel like shit for stuff I did when I was eighteen.” He started backing away. “Go talk to you mother, Shae. Unlike me, she gives a damn.” Then he turned and walked away.

  I wanted to scream after him. I wanted to tell him that he didn’t know shit. For the first time, I wanted to tell him everything, to throw it in his face, to see the shock and horror at what he didn’t know. Make him understand why I couldn’t just “fix” things with my mother. I wanted to make him feel as god-awful as I felt. Then maybe he would understand why I was acting like a bitch. The bitch was only an act. One meant to keep me from ever going through what I did again. It was better to let him think the worst of me than to let the truth rip the past wide open.

  I made it through an hour of sorting before I felt myself losing it. Confronting my mother and then Kellen had taken a lot out of me. I felt like a mess, and the only thing waiting at Didi’s for me was another bottle of wine. Or three.

  The problem with cutting everyone out back then was that it meant I had no frie
nds here to call now. Well, I had one, but I didn’t know if it would be weird to call her for a girls’ night. I was wishing I’d talked Lizzie into coming with me.

  I pulled up the number I’d programmed into my phone earlier today and sent her a text.

  Instead of coffee next week, how about drinks tonight?

  Several minutes passed, and I resigned myself to drinking wine alone and bingeing Sons of Anarchy on Netflix. I was in my car, debating a stop for Doritos and cookie dough ice cream when thankfully my phone chimed with a text that kept me from junk food misery.

  Sure! When and where?

  I typed out a response. I can pick you up at your place at seven.

  She replied with her address and I bypassed the grocery store, heading straight to Didi’s to get ready.

  Needing the confidence and attitude boost, I squeezed myself into the one dress I brought with me. It was a body hugging number that reached mid thigh. Deep plum lace over a silk slip just a shade lighter, it conformed to every curve of my body. Three-quarter lace sleeves fell almost off the shoulder and dived into a deep V in the back. It was probably overkill for drinks, but I wanted to feel good and cut loose a little tonight.

  A little product created tousled waves that fell down my exposed back. I dusted my eyes with smoky greys and rimmed them in black. I finished the look with a soft touch of matte raspberry swirl to my lips and slid my feet into a pair of black heels.

  After that it was a just short Uber ride to the apartment complex Trinity lived in.

  Thankfully I only had to climb stairs in my heels to the second floor, where I followed numbers on doors until I reached hers and knocked.

  She pulled the door open, took one look at me and grinned. “Oh, when you said drinks, you meant drinks!”

  I laughed. “Too much?”

  “Hell no. You look amazing, but I need to change if this is how we’re hitting it tonight.”

  “You don’t have to,” I assured her.

  “No, it’s alright. I’ll change. Go ahead and have a seat wherever. I’ll be back out in a minute.”

  I plopped down on her cushy love seat, and waited while she disappeared inside the bedroom. When she emerged, she’d traded the dark skinny jeans and pink top for a short black dress with a draping neckline, that revealed her impressive décolletage, and red suede heels that matched the color of her freshly applied lipstick.

  “Now I’m ready. So what’s the plan?”

  “I don’t know,” I admitted. “I was hoping you’d know where the good spots are. I am a little hungry, so I wouldn’t mind grabbing some food, and then maybe some dancing.” I’d left town before I was old enough to know where all the best places were.

  “Well, dressed like this it would be a shame to waste it on the places around here, we should head to the clubs downtown in Myrtle Beach. There are a lot of restaurants around there too.”

  “Great, then I think we have a plan. I’ll get us a ride.”

  Another Uber arrived within ten minutes, and as soon as I got the call from our driver, we hurried downstairs–well hurried for two girls in heels. I almost tripped on the last step and we were both laughing when we pushed our way outside into the chilly night air. David, our driver was waiting out front in his silver Toyota Corolla. Arm in arm we scurried to the car to escape the cool breeze that was raising goosebumps on our arms.

  The rumble of a motorcycle sounded as my fingers touched the handle, drawing my eyes when I should have just slid inside and not looked back. It was the same bike I’d admired earlier.

  I turned to Trinity. “Your brother is here.” And he wasn’t alone. He had someone on the back of his bike, but her face was obscured by the helmet she wore.

  “Uh, yeah. He sort of lives here on the third floor.”

  “Oh, so he’s not here for you?”

  “Nope, we should probably just go.” She bit her lip anxiously and I started to tell her it was fine. She’d probably heard about our frosty reunion, but before I could reassure her that I wasn’t going to lose it on him again, I became aware of her real motivation for trying to get me out of there.

  The person, and I use that term loosely because I’m pretty sure one must possess a soul to actually be a person, smoothly climbed from the back of the bike and removed the helmet. Everyone in this town was lucky that I wasn’t the Hulk, because that’s all it would have taken for me to go green and start destroying everything in my path, starting with her fake tanned ass.

  “Let’s just go,” Trinity whispered again and I realized I’d frozen in place.

  It just had to be her on the back of his bike.

  He climbed off next, no helmet hiding his eyes, and they locked on where I stood next to his sister, unable to just open the damn door and climb inside the car. I’m sure the driver was wondering what the hell was going on, and any second he would leave us standing here, me looking the fool because I was stuck in this painfully familiar moment.

  The four of us stood there, eyes darting between each other, no one sure of what to do, except for her. She had no problem giving a little smile and a wave before she curled her hand around his and gave a little tug. It was when he took that first step with her toward the apartment that the moment shattered and self-preservation kicked in.

  I yanked the door open and flung myself inside as gracefully as I could manage under the wave of nausea that was hitting me hard.

  “Are you okay?” Trinity slid in beside me.

  “Yeah,” I managed. “I’m fine, it’s just–” Just what? That I was close to having a full blown meltdown? I was so pathetic and I didn’t know how to explain it to her. “I don’t want you to think– it’s not about him,” I fumbled. “Just her, and seeing–” the two of them together, but I couldn’t get the words out. It could have been anyone else. Anyone but her and I wouldn’t be feeling this right now, but all the betrayal and hurt was rising back up to the surface.

  Trinity reached over and placed her hand on top of mine. “It’s okay. I know.”

  I looked over at her and saw understanding in her eyes, so maybe she did know why this was so hard for me, why it felt so much like another night.

  Ten

  Shae

  September 9

  Senior year …

  “It’s one night, Jeremy,” I breathed out my frustration into the phone. “You don’t have to be a jerk about it. We can hang out tomorrow.”

  “Or you could do your homework tomorrow and come over tonight.” We’d been having this argument since I cancelled our plans.

  “I already told you, tonight’s the only night that works for him.”

  “Yeah, I’m sure. Real fucking convenient that the only time he has available is a Saturday night.”

  “He has a job, Jeremy.” Something he wouldn’t know anything about.

  “Pretty sure drug dealers can set their own hours, Shaeleigh,” he snickered.

  “He’s not a drug dealer.” I didn’t think.

  “You’re so naïve it’s cute sometimes.” His condescending tone made me want to hang up the phone, but that would have started another fight.

  “Whatever, it doesn’t even matter. The only reason he’s coming over is because the library is closed. We’ll work on the project and then he’ll leave.”

  “Your mom is home right?”

  “Yes,” the lie slipped from my lips before I really had time to think about it. I just didn’t want to fight anymore.

  “I still don’t like it,” he grumbled. “I’ll just come over and stay out of the way while you two work, but at least I can keep an eye on him and we can hang out after.”

  “No. I’m not going to have our homework session turn into some kind of macho showdown. Just trust me. You have nothing to worry about. He’s only an ass when you’re around because he knows it gets to you.”

  “Don’t be stupid babe, the guy’s an ass because it’s who he is. And I trust you, but I definitely don’t trust him.”

  I wanted to snap ba
ck at him for the stupid comment, but let it go for the sake of ending this argument. “Either way, I still have to work with him and it will be easier if you’re not here, antagonizing him or vice versa.”

  “Fine. How long is he going to stay?”

  “I don’t know. However long it takes. An hour, maybe two. I’ll call you when he leaves.”

  “Whatever then, I’m going to Josh’s.”

  “Okay … have a good time then. Do you still want me to call you later?”

  “Yeah, fine. I’ll talk to you later.” He ended the call before I could even say goodbye. He was such an immature jerk sometimes. But I was the one dating him.

  I tossed my phone down on the bed, only to pick it back up when it vibrated with a text message. I hoped it was Jeremy apologizing for hanging up on me. Instead it was Cammie.

  Have fun. Don’t fuck him. Call me if you do!

  I rolled my eyes and typed out a response.

  I’m not you, so that’s not going to be a problem.

  I tossed it aside again and dug out the materials for the project. She replied again, but I’d check it later. It was after six-thirty now. Kellen would be showing up anytime. I wondered if he’d be hungry since he was just getting off work, or if he’d eat at home since he said he was going to shower.

  Should I have food? Maybe I could order pizza. All guys liked pizza, right? Or maybe just snacks at least. Yeah, snacks would be good.

  If I didn’t know any better, I thought as I bounced down the stairs to the kitchen, I’d say I was nervous.

  But I had no reason to be nervous about Kellen Nash–a frustratingly arrogant, alarmingly attractive and exceptionally irritating member of the opposite sex–coming over to my house, when I was home alone, to do homework.