Anywhere But Here

by Stephanie Hoffman McManus

  I kept one hand on the doorknob and reluctantly faced him again. “What?”

  He scraped a hand over his head, his eyes dropping to his boots and then lifting back up to meet mine. “I just … I guess I just wanted to make sure you made it home alright and to apologize.”

  “For what?” I clipped.

  “I know I owe you more than one apology, but I figure I should start with tonight. I’m sorry you saw me and Cammie together. I didn’t mean for it to happen.”

  I folded my arms across my chest defensively. “What do I care if you’re with her?” I cared. I cared a fucking lot. I wish I didn’t, but I did.

  “Right,” he muttered, giving his head a resigned shake. “Because you don’t care about shit.”

  “Whatever, you can screw whoever you want, and so can I.” Only, apparently I couldn’t. When I tried, all I could think of was him.

  I could’ve sworn I actually saw him wince, but it had to be a drunken hallucination.

  “Maybe you’re right and we don’t owe each other any kind of explanation or consideration, but whether you want to admit it or not, I know what you saw tonight wasn’t easy for you. I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry for a lot of things, mostly for letting you leave town seven years ago without knowing the truth. I don’t want to fight with you every time we see each other. I’m tired of having what I did thrown in my face. I’d like to have a chance to say some of the things I didn’t get the chance to say back then. Then maybe you could stop hating me so much and try to move past it too.”

  “Don’t count on it.”

  He sighed, “Well if you change your mind and decide you want to hear some of the truth you’re missing, you know where to find me.”

  Whatever he thought I didn’t know wouldn’t change a thing. There was no undoing the choices we made or the consequences that followed.

  Fifteen

  Shae

  September 11

  Senior year …

  Monday morning before first bell, I waited by my locker for Jeremy like I always did, but he didn’t show. I hadn’t heard from him since Saturday night. All of my texts had gone unanswered. After second period, I found him at his locker.

  “Hey, what’s going on with you?” I leaned up against the locker next to his. He continued to rummage through his stuff without looking away.

  “Nothing.”

  “Nothing? Then why didn’t I hear from you at all yesterday?”

  He stuffed a binder in his bag and slammed the locker shut. “I crashed at Josh’s on Saturday. We hung out and played Xbox all day yesterday.”

  “And you couldn’t text me to tell me that? I thought I was supposed to have dinner at your house.”

  “Sorry, my phone died,” he shrugged it off like he wasn’t really that sorry.

  “And Josh doesn’t have a charger you could have used?”

  “What’s the big deal, Shaeleigh? I thought you’d be spending all day working on your project since obviously it took all night on Saturday.”

  “Seriously? That’s what this is about? You’re mad because the project went late on Saturday?”

  “Just don’t see how something you told me wouldn’t take more than an hour or two turned into a four hour movie night.” The one minute warning bell sounded and we both started moving toward Ms. Renner’s class.

  “He refused to read the book so I had to make him watch the movie. I told you that, but if you don’t trust me and want to be immature about this, fine.” I picked up my pace.

  “Shaeleigh!” he grumbled after me. “Wait.” He caught my elbow and stopped me just outside the class. “It’s not like that.”

  “Then what’s it like Jeremy? Because it sounds a lot like you think something else happened. Do you trust me or not?”

  “Yes, obviously I trust you. Him not so much though.”

  “Well this isn’t about him. This is about me and you, and I wouldn’t do that to you.”

  “I know, I know,” he sighed. “I’m sorry I got so pissed off. It just really bugs me, you working with him.”

  “Well get over it, because I have to work with him for the rest of the semester, but that’s all it is. I don’t want to spend the next three months having to defend myself to you.”

  “You won’t. I’m sorry,” he insisted. “I’ll try to be okay with it.”

  “Okay, good.” Most of our classmates had already taken their seats inside the room, and I started to move toward the empty table in the back, but Jeremy grabbed my hand.

  “We’re good now, right?”

  “Yeah, we’re good.”

  He flashed a bright smile and bent down to press his lips to mine before I could pull away. Ms. Renner cleared her throat and my cheeks heated. I stepped away from Jeremy, and that’s when I noticed the figure standing in the doorway watching the two of us. Jeremy wore a smug grin and I knew exactly why he’d kissed me. I shook off his hand and made my way to my seat, not looking up as Kellen slid into his right beside me.

  It didn’t stop him from leaning over and whispering, “Glad to see you and lover boy are still going strong,” right as the bell rang and Ms. Renner called the class to a start. Another semester project she’d assigned us each individually was to keep a running journal that we turned in at the end of each week and then got back on Monday mornings. Every day she set aside a few minutes that was our journaling time. Today, it took up the first fifteen minutes of class since we had a whole weekend we could tap into for subject material.

  During previous classes, I’d kept my entries fairly generic. Classes, cheerleading, plans for the future, but nothing too personal. Today, for some reason, when I picked up my pencil and started scribbling across the page, all of my frustrations started coming out. More than just things with Jeremy, I started writing about my insecurities and self doubts, and how the whole cheerleader, class president, homecoming court–yes, votes had been counted over the weekend and the nominees’ names were announced this morning–persona felt so fake. I’m not even entirely sure where it all came from, but once I started writing it all down, confessing how I really felt about the girl everyone thought I was and who I actually wanted to be, I couldn’t stop. It was cathartic to get it all out, to finally admit that I wasn’t as happy as I pretended to be, and that despite all my plans and talk of the future, I really had no idea what I wanted.

  “You working on a novel over there?” Kellen’s voice broke my momentum and my pencil stopped moving. I looked up to realize that everyone else had already tucked their notebooks away and Ms. Renner was moving the class into a discussion of the first half of chapter two from The Sound and The Fury, our reading assignment over the weekend. I closed my journal and slipped it inside my backpack and then listened to two of my classmates debate Quentin’s obsession with his sister.

  I’d done the reading and had plenty of my own opinions on Quentin’s tormented mental state, but I couldn’t bring myself to raise my hand and contribute to the discussion, preferring to just sit and listen for once.

  The discussion took up most of the remaining class period, and we finished with a question and answer sheet. By the end of the class, I was feeling a little better about my own life when compared to the Compson family. I could already tell this book was going to have a depressing ending to match the tone of the rest of the story.

  As always, Kellen was out of the class before everyone else the moment the bell released us. I lagged, half hoping Jeremy wouldn’t wait for me and just go to his fourth period. I was still frustrated with him even though I said we were fine. His little move had been orchestrated just for Kellen’s benefit and I wasn’t happy that he was using me in his little pissing match. Unfortunately, he and Daisy were still chatting at their table as they packed up their things when I finished putting mine away. They both turned to wait for me and the three of us walked out of class together.

  “See you in fifth.” Jeremy linked our fingers briefly and dropped a light kiss on top of my head before heading in
the opposite direction. Daisy had first lunch with me and we headed in the direction of the cafeteria.

  “I think Josie, Amber and some of the other girls are going to Subway if you want to join us.”

  I thought about declining her offer and sitting outside again, but it was a windy, overcast day and I’d only eaten lunch with the girls once since the school year began. Something in me felt obligated to go with them today. Something else in me felt obligated to avoid Kellen. Jeremy would just love hearing from one of our friends that I was eating lunch with him now too. I didn’t even know if Kellen would look for me again. We’d only eaten together the one time last week, but I sat out there the rest of the week, not necessarily hoping he would find me again, but it wouldn’t have been unwelcome. All the more reason I should go.

  “Sure, that sounds good.”

  We met the rest of the girls in the commons and decided Amber would drive. She was the only one with an SUV big enough for the six of us to pile into. As we made our way to the parking lot, I couldn’t help but notice Kellen leaned up against the side of the building near where I usually sat. His eyes met mine. He took in my group, then shoved off the wall and walked in the opposite direction toward the back of the school.

  “So, how is it being partnered with Conway High’s resident bad boy?” Josie nodded after his retreating form.

  I shrugged. “It’s fine.”

  “That boy is more than fine,” Amber muttered.

  “You would know,” Josie snickered. “You’ve gotten up close and personal with him.”

  “Shut up.” Amber gave her a light shove.

  “Oh don’t start denying it now. You were all too happy to brag about it after the two of you hooked up at the end of the year bonfire. You were talking about that night for a week.”

  “I think it was longer than that,” Melanie chimed in, but I was trying to tune out their conversation. It shouldn’t have bothered me, but it did.

  “You’re one to talk. You hooked up with him during one of TJ’s parties last year.”

  That shut Melanie up, but Josie wouldn’t let it go. “I don’t remember Mel going on for weeks about how good he was. Even after you got back together with Matt you admitted you’d cheat on him with Kellen if you got the chance again.”

  Amber shot her a death glare. “If you want to go there, how was Saturday night at Josh’s? He told Matt that you sucked him off in the bathroom.”

  The mention of Josh’s on Saturday had me listening more intently.

  “Whatever. Guys will say anything.” She wasn’t denying being there or fooling around with Josh.

  “Daisy, you were there,” Amber turned to her just as we reached her big white Tahoe. “Did she hook up with Josh?”

  Daisy was at Josh’s too? Why hadn’t Jeremy mentioned the girls? I brushed that thought aside. It didn’t matter. At least, I was willing to believe that until Josie made another snide comment, “She wouldn’t know, she was too busy herself.” Then she and Daisy both reactively glanced at me before quickly looking away as if they hadn’t meant to.

  “Oooh, Daisy, who were you getting busy with?” Mel had clearly missed the awkward tension that passed between Daisy and Josie.

  “No one. I only went to be Josie’s wing woman and drive her drunk ass home after she gave Josh a blowjob in the bathroom,” she fired back at Josie, who didn’t say a word, but glanced at me, I think trying to gauge whether or not I believed Daisy. I wished I could.

  “I just remembered I packed a lunch. I don’t want it sitting in my locker all day. You guys go ahead. I’ll see you later.” After making my excuse, I hurried from the parking lot, only to bump into someone as I rounded the corner to get back inside.

  “Woah there.” Of course it would be him.

  “Excuse me,” I tried to brush past him. The last thing I wanted was for him to notice I was upset and start asking questions.

  “Hey,” he grabbed my arm. “What’s wrong?”

  So much for that.

  “Nothing,” I fixed my eyes on his and pleaded with him not to push, but he was either terrible at reading facial cues or chose to push anyway.

  “I don’t think so.” He tugged me back around the side of the building. “What’s up? Shouldn’t you and the Heathers be talking about the big dance over your salads by now?”

  Normally his Heathers crack would have cracked a smile on my face. “I decided not to go with them.”

  “Amber finally got to you? I know I can’t stand more than two minutes of her high pitched voice and incessant giggling.”

  “Is that why you slept with her?” I snapped out of nowhere. Guess it bothered me even more than I realized, and I wasn’t sure whether it was just the fact that she slept with him, or that she was one of his many. Either way, it shouldn’t have come out of my mouth.

  He stepped back and cocked his head. “Where the hell did that come from?”

  “Nowhere,” I exhaled. “Just having a crap day and feel like taking it out on everyone else.”

  “Because I slept with Amber?”

  “No. Because I think Jeremy is lying to me, and maybe cheating on me.” Saying it out loud made my stomach sink further.

  Kellen just blinked and I could see him biting his tongue to hold back whatever retort he had.

  “Just spit it out.”

  “I’m sorry, this just feels a lot like a conversation we already had where I tried to tell you your boyfriend is a piece of shit and you wouldn’t listen, so I’m just surprised that you’ve come around. What made you see the light?” There was a smug glint in his eye.

  I snorted in disgust. “You don’t have to look so pleased.” I shoved past him. This time he didn’t bother stopping me.

  I didn’t see him or Jeremy again until gym fifth period, and I would have preferred to ignore them both. That was impossible when Kilroy decided it was a good day to assign team captains for a game of dodgeball. When he asked for volunteers, Jeremy was one of the first to step up, and then Kellen. Both looked extremely satisfied when they were chosen to go head to head.

  Jeremy got the first pick, and with a fist pump after the coin toss, he called out Josh’s name. They did their stupid bro shake and high five and then Kellen surprised everyone when he used his first pick on me.

  “You just going to stand there Bradford?” Kilroy called me out when I didn’t move. I had no choice but to shuffle over beside Kellen whose expression was even more pleased now that Jeremy was glaring at him.

  “What are you doing?” I whispered harshly.

  “Didn’t figure you’d want to be on his team,” was his reply and then Jeremy made his second pick. Kellen chose Derek next and it went on until the whole class had been divided up. I hated when we picked teams. I would have preferred Kilroy just count us off, but I think he loved the competitiveness and watching the students squirm who were picked last. He was a dick.

  We split up to our prospective sides of the gym and Derek threw his arms around my and Kellen’s shoulders. “You two ready to have some fun?”

  “Hell yes. This is going to be extremely fun,” Kellen grinned.

  “Whatever,” I shrugged off Derek’s arms and marched over to the sidelines where we had to line up. I didn’t know who he thought this was going to be fun for, but it wasn’t me.

  Kilroy blew the whistle and everyone ran for the line of foam balls down the center. I stayed further back until after the first throws and then picked up a ball that rolled to my feet. Kellen and Jeremy were facing off, both with a ball in their hands.

  Jeremy laughed, calling out to Kellen. “Your strategy to use Shaeleigh as an excuse when you lose? Blame it on the girls?”

  Kellen ignored the taunt, but I didn’t. “What’s that supposed to mean?” I snapped at Jeremy.

  He looked at me, clearly taken back by my hostile tone. “Come on babe, I didn’t mean anything by it, it’s just that you’re a cheerleader. You’ve never played any sports.”

  Asshole.

&
nbsp; He turned his attention back to Kellen so he didn’t see it coming when I reared back and threw the ball, drilling him in the side of the face.

  He grunted and dropped the ball he was holding.

  Kellen barked out a laugh and I just smiled at Jeremy who was wearing a what the hell expression.

  I’d learned to throw before I ever touched a pair of pom poms. Dad loved sports, but got a daughter. That meant he had me tossing a ball by the time I was out of diapers. Not that Jeremy would know that, because he’d never bothered to ask. The only reason I didn’t play sports was because you needed parental permission and my mother wouldn’t give it. She had a daughter, not a son, and expected me to act like it.

  Jeremy had clearly figured out that I was pissed at him, and from there the game only got more intense. He grumbled as he went to stand on the sidelines and wait for a team member to catch him back in. The rest of the period, balls flew and both teams traded the lead back and forth, Kilroy taking amusement in the more than typical level of violence.

  I didn’t want to know what it was going to be like in the guys’ locker room when Kilroy dismissed us to change after Kellen pegged Jeremy out at the end, winning the game for our team. He stormed off the court, mad as hell, while Kellen couldn’t have been happier. I was just over the whole thing. The two of them could go at each other’s throats; I just wanted to be left out of it.

  Jeremy was already out of the locker room and waiting for me by the time I’d dressed. “What the hell was that all about? You pissed at me? For what I said about you not being able to throw? Obviously I was wrong, I’m sorry.”

  “It’s not about that Jeremy.” I kept walking and he fell in to step beside me.

  “Then mind telling me what it is about?”

  I stopped and turned on him. “So video games at Josh’s all night on Saturday. I bet Josie and Daisy really enjoyed playing Call of Duty with you guys.”

  “That’s what you’re mad about, that they showed up at his house on Saturday?”

  “No, I’m mad because you accused me of lying to you, and it turns out the only one hiding stuff is you.”