Anywhere But Here

by Stephanie Hoffman McManus

  Cammie answered, yanking my thoughts back from our nights of lying on my bed and pretending we were staring up at the night sky. “Hey, about time.” I’d been ignoring her same as my mother and everyone else.

  “I need you to come over.”

  “You’re not going to kick me out this time?” she guilted me.

  “Sorry, I just needed space. I won’t kick you out again,” I promised and then she said she would be over in a half an hour.

  It was forty-five excruciating minutes before I actually heard her car pull up in the drive. A quick peek out my curtain confirmed it was her and not my mother returning. I bounded down the stairs nervously to let her in and then made her follow me all the way up the stairs to my room, where I shut and locked the door behind us.

  “What’s going on?” She made herself at home on my bed and I paced in front of it, working up the courage. After a minute I stopped, faced her and just blurted it out.

  “I’m pregnant.”

  She jumped up. “Shut the fuck up. You are?”

  I jerked my head in a nod.

  “Holy shit.”

  “I know.”

  “I didn’t even know that you guys … why the hell didn’t you tell me?”

  “I don’t know.” That wasn’t exactly true. She hadn’t been the most supportive of my relationship with Kellen, and I knew she would turn it into something it wasn’t, where he had weaseled his way into my pants and I’d fallen for it and he was only using me and all her same old lines. I still refused to believe that. It wasn’t fake. He wasn’t using me, but I knew, especially now, she’d never believe that.

  “Have you told him?”

  I shook my head and cringed. “I’m afraid to.”

  “Yeah, I can only imagine how well he’d take it. He’s not exactly father material.” I wanted to argue that wasn’t true. The way he took care of Trin, and even the way he’d adored and doted on me, proved that he was loving and caring and would make an amazing father. Someday. The question was whether or not that day was now, but I held my tongue.

  “I just … I don’t know what to do, but I should tell him. I mean, I have to tell him, right?”

  “I don’t know, I guess it depends. Are you planning to keep it?”

  I was a little taken back by her question, but I guess it was reasonable. Not keeping it just hadn’t even crossed my mind. “I’m not having an abortion, if that’s what you’re asking.”

  “And what about putting it up for adoption?”

  “No,” I nearly cried.

  “Okay, okay. Then I guess you’re keeping it.”

  “Yes. I’m keeping this baby.”

  “God, that’s weird to hear you say. Of all the girls I would have predicted to get knocked up in high school, you weren’t on that list.”

  “I know,” I sighed. “So, how do I tell him?”

  “You’re sure that you want to?” She lowered herself back onto the mattress and I took a seat beside her.

  “I think I kind of have to. It’s not like I can just keep it a secret. It’s his baby too. He deserves to know, to have a choice.”

  “Does he?” she questioned with a raised brow. “Seems to me like he kind of already made his choice.”

  “But he doesn’t know,” I protested.

  “And what, you think when you tell him you’re knocked up, he’s suddenly going to change his mind about dumping you and ask you to marry him instead?” she asked snidely, deflating the little bit of hope I had.

  “No,” it wasn’t that I expected him to propose or anything, I just … I don’t really know, but he’d do the right thing. Wouldn’t he? What was the right thing? “But, even if he doesn’t want any part of this, that’s still his choice to make.”

  “Okay,” she held up her hands in surrender, rising from the bed once more. “I guess that’s your choice to make. I just don’t want to see you hurt any more by this, and that’s all I see happening.”

  I dropped my head. “He could still come around.”

  “Babe, you need to get your head out of the clouds. You’ve been moping for weeks, and you know what he’s been doing?”

  My eyes shot up to hers.

  “He’s right back to doing what he was before you. Parties and girls. I didn’t want to tell you, because I was hoping you’d get over him on your own and put all this behind you when you went to New York, but I’ve seen him, and I can tell you, he’s not having nearly as hard of a time moving on.”

  I swallowed back the bile that rose in my throat and rested my elbows on my knees, hanging my head in my hands, squeezing my eyes shut against the tears that were building.

  “I’m sorry, Shae. He never deserved you, and whatever you need, I’m here. I can go with you to the doctor or to buy baby books. And if you do decide to tell him, I’ll be here for you.”

  I lifted my head just barely. “Thanks.”

  She gave me a sympathetic smile. “I got you, even if he doesn’t. Just call if you need anything else. I’d stay but I already had a date planned with Matt, and since I’m thinking of cutting him loose at the end of the summer, I want to enjoy him for a little longer.”

  “Okay,” I nodded. “I’ll call you later.”

  She left and I collapsed on the mattress, my eyes going once more to the ceiling.

  So much for Cammie knowing what to do.

  She was only here ten minutes and I felt more lost than before.

  Was Kellen really with other girls already?

  Tears ran from the corners of my eyes into my hair.

  How was I going to do this on my own?

  Thirty-Seven

  Kellen

  August 12

  After graduation …

  I missed her.

  God, I fucking missed her.

  Tucker’s music reverberated through the walls of the house as yet another party carried on. It was the third time in as many days that he’d had friends over. He was out of control and high most of the time. Tonight was one of the few nights Trin had actually come home since school let out and now she was shut inside her room, avoiding him and his friends.

  I would have gotten her out of here, taken her to a movie or something, but I was four bottles into a six pack, trying to drown this awful, empty feeling inside me like some vital piece of me had been ripped out.

  This was how most of my nights were spent, trying to make the fucking ache go away.

  Nothing did.

  I felt like shit.

  I was miserable.

  God, I hurt her so fucking bad.

  I lifted my head up off the pillow enough to tip the bottle back and pour more booze down. I let my hand hang off the edge of the bed, dropping the now empty bottle. It clanked against the other three.

  This sucked.

  Worse than when my dad went to prison, and worse than when my mom bailed with her new boyfriend.

  I told her to go. It was the right thing to do. She deserved better.

  But I wanted her back. I wanted to unsay all that shit I said that made her run away from me. I was a piece of shit. I was worse than Jeremy Black. I shattered her. On purpose. I watched her break apart and then I watched her go.

  Fuck.

  What did I do?

  I’d asked myself this question only about a hundred times a day all summer. Everything was shit without her. I worked and then I came home and drank. Occasionally Derek or Jeff and Sam would stop by to tell me what a bitch I was being, but they didn’t get it.

  I hoped to God she wasn’t feeling this awful, missing me every second of every day so much that breathing hurt and getting out of bed was a fucking feat. At the same time, thinking she wasn’t missing me, that she was doing just fine, moving on, sent a searing pain through my insides.

  My door was shoved open and my eyes darted to the person that stumbled inside my room. “Get the fuck out, Cammie,” I growled.

  “Well, look at you,” she snickered and held onto the door handle for support. It was obvious
she’d had more to drink than I had. “You’re pathetic. You’re both fucking pathetic.”

  “Just get out.”

  “Whatever, we both know I could make you forget about her in the time it’d take me to unzip your jeans.”

  “I said get out.”

  “Your loss.” She stumbled her way back out, closing the door behind her. I didn’t even know how the fuck she ended up here. I didn’t want her here, but it wasn’t my damn party. She was in way over her head with Tucker and his friends though.

  Eventually all the beer meant I had to take a piss. All I wanted was to get to the bathroom and then get back to my last two beers. I didn’t want to walk out of my room and see a shitfaced Cammie being led into my brother’s room by him and that lowlife Duncan.

  Shit, I groaned internally. She was fucked up, and Cammie was down for a lot of wild shit, but whatever my brother and his buddy had planned would not be good. She was not in the right frame of mind to agree to anything, which meant even though it was the last thing in the world I wanted to do, I had to step in.

  “Hold up,” I called and all three heads snapped to me. Cammie’s more lolled than snapped. “I don’t think so.”

  “Mind your own fucking business little bro.”

  “Not her. Find a different play toy,” I strode toward them.

  “Relax.” Duncan put his hand on my chest. “She wants to have a little fun.”

  “Take your damn hand off of me before I break it and see how much fun you have then.” He dropped his hand and I shoved him back, then I grabbed Cammie’s arm and met my brother’s livid glare. “Find. Someone. Else. Or we’re going to have problems and this party is going to go to shit real fast.”

  “Whatever, you can have the bitch.” He shrugged and shoved her to me. She came willingly, falling against my shirtless chest and running her hands up my stomach with a sloppy grin.

  “Come on,” I yanked her down the hall.

  “I knew you wanted me,” she slurred.

  “Not a fucking chance, but I’m not a total dick and the game you’re playing wouldn’t have ended well for you if I’d left you to them,” I bit out and then knocked on my sister’s door. “Trin!”

  She opened up a minute later.

  “I need somewhere to stick this,” I jerked my head at Cammie, “so she can sober up. Any chance you’re heading back to Angie’s?”

  Her face scrunched up in disgust. “You want to put her in my room?”

  “Hey, you low-class little–”

  “You shut the fuck up right now before I just decide to toss your ass outside and leave you to fend for yourself with those assholes.” I looked back at my sister apologetically. “I’ll wash your sheets and take you to lunch tomorrow.”

  “You mean you’ll actually leave the house for something besides work?” She looked hopeful. “Deal. Let me text Ang to come get me and then grab some stuff and I’ll head out of here. She better not throw up in here though or you owe me lunch, dinner and ice cream.”

  She vacated her room and I dumped Cammie on the bed before walking my sister out to make sure she got through the party without being harassed. Once Angie showed up and Trin was safely out of here, I went back inside and discovered Cammie had not stayed put. I walked into my room to find her stripped down to her thong on my bed. She sat up, thrusting her naked tits out.

  “What the fuck are you doing?” I swore, turning my back to her.

  “Come on, Nash. You can drop this heartbroken, lovesick act. I know you want me again. I know all the tricks she doesn’t,” she attempted to purr seductively.

  “Not even if you weren’t three sheets to the wind. Now put your damn clothes back on. If you’re not dressed when I come back in here, I’m tossing you out just like that.”

  I left her alone in my room to hopefully dress while I waited in the hall. I tipped my head back against the door and closed my eyes. This night was shit. I should have just left her to her own mess instead of stepping in. I regretted ever touching that one.

  “Kellen,” her soft voice was like a gentle caress, instantly soothing. My eyes snapped open to make sure it was real, that I hadn’t conjured it in my head with wishful thinking. It was real. She was real, and standing in front of me looking so uncertain.

  “Shae, what are you doing here?” I pushed off the door.

  “I told her you already had company, but she insisted on seeing for herself even though I offered to keep her entertained.” My brother was right behind her, grinning with amusement. The second he spoke, Shae’s arms instinctively wrapped around her middle and she stepped closer to me.

  “Seems the ladies only want you tonight, little brother. Enjoy them.” He ran his eyes over Shae’s ass with a dark look before sauntering back to the party.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked her again.

  Her eyes flashed to my door. “Do you really have someone in there?”

  She looked so fragile and forlorn in her baggy sweatshirt, hair tied loosely back, strands falling around her pale, make-up free face. Her eyes were glossy and rimmed with dark circles. I wanted to reassure her that there was no one, that there hadn’t been anyone since her, but before I could find the words, the door behind me opened. From the devastated look on Shae’s face I knew what she was thinking.

  “You coming back, baby–oh, Shae,” Cammie pretended to be surprised to see her, when no doubt she’d heard everything from inside the room.

  Shae’s hand came up over her mouth, and for the second time I witnessed something break in her.

  “Shae, I …” So many words were on the tip of my tongue. It’s not what it looks like. I didn’t touch her. Don’t believe her lies. I love you. Only you. And I miss you like crazy. But none of that came out.

  She took a step back, her eyes darting between the two of us. “How could you?” she choked out, and I didn’t know which one of us she meant, or both of us. Again I wanted desperately to explain, but something inside me still prevented me. Her tear filled eyes fixed on me. “Was any of it real? Did you love me at all?”

  Behind me Cammie snorted and I wanted so badly to tell her to shut the fuck up and then declare over and over to Shae that of course I loved her, more than anything, but instead I ducked my eyes to hide the truth from her and let her believe the lies. When I didn’t speak up, or deny anything, Cammie took it as encouragement and stepped forward, putting her hand on my arm. Fucking hell, the shameless whore was still in nothing but her thong.

  “Looks like you don’t get everything after all.”

  Shae’s eyes flashed to her. “Why?”

  “Because I’m so sick of you being everyone’s favorite, acting like the perfect little princess when it’s all bullshit. Shae’s so sweet. Shae’s so nice. Shae’s so smart. Shae’s so beautiful. Shae’s so good at everything she does,” Cammie sneered. “Ugh, I’m so sick of it. We both know you’re fake as shit, and then even after you blew everyone off and went all loner chick for him, they still voted you prom queen.”

  I’d never realized just what a jealous, bitter bitch Cammie was until that moment.

  “You were supposed to be my best friend.” I think Shae was in shock, finding out exactly who her best friend was.

  “Yeah, well I got sick of always coming in second to you.”

  “I never wanted any of it,” Shae muttered softly.

  “You didn’t deserve any of it,” Cammie spat.

  “Okay, that’s enough,” I finally put a stop to Cammie’s shit and then faced Shae. “I’m sorry you saw this, but you shouldn’t have come over here tonight.”

  “I– I’m …” she let out a heavy breath, weighted in grief and defeat. “I don’t know why I did, what I was thinking. You’re right I shouldn’t have come. I just couldn’t give up on us yet. I couldn’t give up on you, but I was a fool. I can see now that you gave up right from the start. We never stood a chance because you wouldn’t give us one. Just remember that you gave up everything … for that.” Her eyes fl
icked one more time to Cammie and then she turned and walked away. As she did, I knew that she was right. I was giving up everything, at least everything that would ever mean anything to me. She was right about all the rest too. I’d never once truly let myself believe we stood a chance, that I had a shot at keeping someone like her.

  A sense of panic washed over me, but still my feet stayed rooted to that spot until it was too late to go after her.

  I messed up.

  Letting her go was a mistake.

  It wasn’t over.

  Thirty-Eight

  Shae

  May 10

  Present …

  I swallowed and fixed my eyes on his. “I never went to New York.”

  “What?”

  “At least not until a couple years ago. But I didn’t go to Columbia. Not even for a semester. That was a lie. I didn’t go to college at all. By September, I was already sixteen weeks along and I was sick. Really, really sick. The day you thought I left for New York, I really left for Charlotte. My mom kicked me out when I told her I was pregnant and wouldn’t be going to Columbia in the fall. Didi offered for me to move in with her, but I couldn’t stay here, not after what I thought you’d done.”

  “How does this answer my question?” he gritted.

  “Because, you need to hear it all. Trin told me you went to New York once to see me. She told me about your brother too and what happened that night after I left.”

  “She shouldn’t have.”

  “She thought I should know, and she was right.” Even though it all only made this so much harder. “So now it’s time you know everything too. I went back to North Carolina. I picked Charlotte because it was familiar to me and not as far. I thought even after being gone so long, it might still feel like home, but like I said I was sick. Not normal pregnancy sick either, but I didn’t know something was seriously wrong until I went in for a check-up and I told my doctor about the constant vomiting and headaches. I could hardly eat or drink anything. I would get dizzy, and I was always tired. I just thought it was a combination of the pregnancy and depression, but it wasn’t. I was told it was an actual medical condition, Hyperemesis something or other. At first my doctor just recommended some medications and lots of bed rest, but instead of getting better, it got worse. I had to be hospitalized for the remainder of my pregnancy. I was hooked to an IV and fed through a tube, because it was the only way to get anything down.