Embrace The Suck (A Stepbrother Special Forces Novel)

by Kenzie, Sophia

  I rushed her to the infirmary, and slowly set her down on the open bed while relaying what I knew to the medic on duty. He checked her vitals, all the while continuing to call her name in hopes of a response. She was still out, and now I was pacing, cursing myself for forcing her to be at that pool in the first place.

  Hell, she had mentioned to me not a few hours earlier that she wasn’t getting along with some of the other candidates. Why didn’t I realize it had gone this far? What kind of a mentor was I to allow this to happen to her?

  “She’ll be fine, Charlie. Her body is just resetting itself, but she’ll come out of it soon enough.” He patted me on the back, but took a second look at me, realizing I needed to know more. “Her vitals are strong; she’ll most likely just walk out of here with a few bumps, bruises, and a scratchy throat.”

  “Thanks.” I whispered as I grabbed her hand and sat beside her.

  “Dude…” he nudged me. “You okay?”

  I tried to shake from my utter feeling of failure. “I’m fine.” I put on a fake smile. “I’m used to dealing with guys wanting to beat each other up, but I thought we’d get to avoid that with this group.”

  “Ah.” He nodded. “Never underestimate the illustrious cat fight.”

  We exchanged a light laugh and some silent words, and then he went back to doing his job while I went back to willing Hannah to wake up.

  Wow, she looked just absolutely awful. Her knees, shins, and elbows were scraped and caked with blood. Her face was three different shades of blue, and she had a thick red ring around her throat from Blondie’s arm. I wanted nothing more than to hold her tight and heal her, but I didn’t know how.

  “What happened?” I jumped to my feet when I heard the Command Sergeant’s voice behind me.

  “Sir.” I stared directly into his disappointed eyes. “I wasn’t there, so I can only speculate, but I do know she was having an issue with some of the girls thinking she didn’t belong in the program. I’m assuming something got out of hand this morning at the pool.”

  “I would assume as much too.” He stepped up next to me. “What’s the doc say?”

  “She’ll be fine, just a little raspy.” I tried to seem unfazed, but inside I was dying.

  “Good. Then there’s no need to alert her family.” He pinched his lips together as he turned to me.

  “No sir.” I agreed.

  “Charlie.” He placed his hand on my arm, a gesture that was almost unfamiliar to me. “I told you this one was important. I need you to not let her out of your sight. Do you understand?”

  “I do, sir.” But, the thing he didn’t know was that she was only ever out of my sight for a single hour of the entire day. Other than her pool time, we were inseparable.

  I wasn’t about to let him in on that slight fact, though.

  After he left, the doc came back over to clean Hannah up. Once the dried blood was cleared, she really didn’t look too bad.

  She still looked bad… just not too bad.

  The scrapes were minimal, and the ointment he had put on her cheeks really helped the swelling to relax. He told me I should take a break, grab some coffee, and he’d let me know when she woke up, but I didn’t want to take the chance of me not being the first person she saw when she opened her eyes. I wanted her to know she was now safe.

  “Hey.” Her scratchy whisper made my eyes shoot open.

  “Hannah!” I could have jumped on her, squeezed her so tight, and never let her go. But I refrained, holding it in for a time when she wasn’t so fragile.

  “How’d I get here?” She attempted to blink her swollen eyes.

  I tried to explain to her what had happened starting from when I walked into the picture. I watched her face grow solemn, and the pensive, and then angry.

  “Why are you getting upset with me?” I had to question, truly not knowing what I had done wrong.

  “I…I…” I then watched her pick the words she wanted to use. “I don’t need you to save me, Charlie. I can take care of myself.”

  She tried to sit up, but I warned her to stay put and rest.

  “Stop telling me what to do!” Her voice came above a whisper, though it sounded like it hurt her to do so.

  “I’m… not.” I didn’t know what to say. I was just trying to help her, to protect her.

  She painstakingly slid out of the bed and wrapped herself in a bed sheet. I would have tried to stop her, but she refused to even look at me. I couldn’t figure out what I had done wrong, or why she had decided I was the enemy.

  “What are we working on today?” She asked me in her gruff, forced voice.

  “I think you need to rest.” I eyed her suspiciously.

  “I don’t need to be treated like an invalid. Let’s get to work.”

  And then she just limped out of the infirmary, expecting me to follow her.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Hannah

  Sure, I might have been blatantly overreacting, and sure, had he not shown up when he did, I could very well have ended up in a coma rather than a short sleep, but the point was still the same.

  First, no one believed that women could handle themselves in this fight.

  Second, everyone believed I was the weakest link.

  And those two points were proven by the very fact that I had to be saved by a boy.

  So yes, I was upset. I wanted to be better, to be stronger. I wanted to be able to swim the fucking fifty-meter pool with my boots on. But all I learned about myself today was that I couldn’t defend myself in a tussle.

  “Hannah, stop walking.” I could hear his voice half way down the hall.

  “I’m ready to go back to work.” I turned around, putting on my most serious expression, and trying to hide the fact that I was in actual pain.

  “That’s great, and I’m happy you think you’re ready to jump back in,” his glance strayed from mine, “but this needs to be handled before we can move on.”

  “I’m fine.” I shot at him, a little too loud, clearly proving that I wasn’t in fact, fine.

  Charlie took two steps toward me, closing the gap between us. “There will be repercussions from this event. You don’t get to just go around starting fights and expect everyone to look away, do you?”

  I hadn’t thought about that. I had acted irrationally and in the moment, and although I didn’t start the verbal abuse, I did start the physical fight. Or, at least, I tried to start the physical fight.

  Still trying to figure out how I had let myself get to this place, I followed Charlie into the Command Sergeant Major’s office, where I came face to face with the four girls who all had a hand in the day’s happenings. We received the necessary scolding, the disappointed looks, and the reminder of whom we were and what we were meant to represent.

  “I know it may not seem like it, but we want this program to succeed. You ladies have worked your asses off to be standing in this building, and deserve better than to be relieved of your services because you had a simple misunderstanding among your peers.” The Command Sergeant made a few notes on the pad in front of him. “I could ask what happened, and I could hold one of you solely accountable, but honestly…” he looked up with a small glitter in his eye. “That would require so much paperwork, and I’m just not feeling that right now. Ladies.” He stood, addressing each of us separately. “Will this happen again?”

  “No.” The five of us replied in perfect unison.

  “Good, because if it does, I’m not going to ask a question. I am going to bid bon voyage to all five of you. Do I make myself clear?” He had already become distracted with some other files on his desk.

  I didn’t talk much the rest of the day. I was in a mood—there was no denying that fact—and Charlie was smart enough to realize that it was not the right time to push my buttons. He tried to take it easy on me, giving me too complimentary feedback for every task I performed, which was completely out of character for him. We had specifically fought about this very thing: he wasn’t willing to
take it easy on me because he needed to make sure I was capable of saving my team in the midst of war. So why was he all of a sudden treating me like a child? Sure, I was hurt, but not enough that I couldn’t work through it.

  “I want to swim the pool.” I walked passed him after he told me we were done for the day a good twenty minutes earlier than we were scheduled to be.

  “You don’t have to take that test until next week.” He looked after me, puzzled.

  But I stood my ground. “Well, I want to do it today.”

  “Hannah, that’s not a good idea. Not today.” I could see the concern fill his face. “As your superior, I cannot recommend that. We’re done for the day.”

  I needed him to stop looking at me like the girl whom he was falling in love with, and instead start looking at me like a soldier.

  “Sir,” I started, hoping the respect would get his attention. “I appreciate your concern for my wellbeing, but I believe that I can do this, and I would appreciate the chance to prove myself.”

  He hated it—that was obvious—but with a request in a manner such as mine, there was no way he could turn me down.

  We stood by the side of the pool, me fully clothed and in my boots, and we both stared at the water. I was willing myself to dive in, and he was willing me to change my mind.

  I felt his fingers graze my arm, and I knew he was about to say something to the effect of it’s okay if you’re not ready, or you had a hard day, we shouldn’t be doing this right now, but I sprung from the edge before he had a chance to speak.

  It wasn’t easy; that’s for sure. My clothes instantly sucked to my body, adding weight that I hadn’t accounted for in my daily morning laps. I concentrated on kicking my heavy feet, but with each kick, my breathing became more shallow and my body tired. The lapping water stung at my cuts and scrapes, I was practically weeping from the feeling of my still swollen face moving through the water, and what was worse: I could feel myself start to sink.

  I had to push through the pain; it was my only option. I couldn’t go down, not today. I had to separate myself from that moment, pushing aside the pain and struggle, so that I could be who I needed myself to be.

  And I needed myself to be a fighter.

  “You’re almost there, Hannah!” I heard his muffled call from directly in front of me. He must have walked around the pool to my finish line. “You’re almost there!” He kept repeating.

  His voice was excited and full of pride, and although I hated the effect he had on me, that bit of positive reinforcement from him was all I needed to make it the rest of the way. I wanted him to be proud of me. I wanted him to respect me. Hell, I wanted him to love me.

  But more than any of that, I wanted to get through this program without someone coddling me.

  So, when he happily held out his hand to help me from the pool, I took a breath and shook my head.

  “I can do it myself, Sir.”

  After he pulled his outstretched arm away, I slowly and painstakingly climbed from the pool, finally landing on the concrete with a huff. I could feel my head begin to spin, and I set my hands out to steady myself.

  “Hannah? Are you okay?” He was over me, carefully considering if he should offer to help. He knew very well that I would most likely refuse.

  I looked up at him with tear-filled, puffy eyes. He was there, ready, and begging me to explain what was going on in my mind and why I was pushing him away.

  But if it didn’t fully make sense to me, how could I explain it to him?

  “I don’t think I can drive. Can you take me home?”

  “Of course.” He held out his hand again, this time to help me to my feet.

  This time, I accepted.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Charlie

  She had fallen asleep in the car, no doubt exhausted from the day’s many excitements, and I tried terribly not to wake her up as I lifted her from the seat and into my arms.

  She cooed, ever so softly, and curled into my chest like a child. It felt… right. But I knew that was wrong.

  I quietly rifled through her bag, found her keys, and pushed into her apartment. I stepped vigilantly and soundlessly through her home, toward the bedroom, making sure not to jar her from her sleep. After lying her on her bed and leaving a glass of water and two ibuprofen on her bedside table, I knew I should go home and leave her be, but for the life of me, I couldn’t do it.

  I needed to stay by her side and make sure she was okay. I needed to protect her from something like this ever happening again. I needed to hold her tight when it all finally hit her and she couldn’t hold back the tears any longer.

  And so, although against my better judgment, I laid down next to her, and fell asleep myself, holding her fragile hand in mine.

  I’m not sure how long I was out, but I woke up to the sound of her sobs.

  I tried to comfort her, to hold her, but she pushed me away. Hannah explained her reservations, how she wanted to be taken seriously. The one person she was meant to prove herself to (me), she ended up sleeping with, forcing me from an unbiased opinion. She needed to know how she measured up, because right now, she was lacking confidence.

  And although I tried to be honest, to tell her that her test scores were impeccable, her tactical choices were strong and smart, and that her vigilance to succeed would take her the rest of the way, she couldn’t believe whole-heartedly that I was being honest, because of how I felt for her.

  “You told me you were falling in love with me.” She wiped the tears from her eyes.

  I bit the inside of my cheek, not sure how to proceed. “You… you weren’t supposed to hear that.” It was a terrible excuse.

  “It doesn’t matter if I did or didn’t. The problem is already there.” She sat up straighter, and began trying to put a practical twist onto everything she was thinking. “Let’s say I pass this program.”

  I nodded, but said nothing, fully fearing where she was taking this conversation.

  “When people ultimately find out what we’re doing, and what we have been doing, no one is going to believe that I passed on my own accord.”

  I shook my head, refusing to go down this path. “Then fuck them.”

  She shrugged. “I won’t believe I passed on my own accord.”

  “Hannah…” I tried to stop her but she spoke over me.

  “If I’m not certain I can do this on my own, without little slides here and there, then I’m never going to be confident when I’m really on my own.” She stopped, staring straight into my eyes.

  “I don’t give you slides. I never have.” I argued, feeling as though she was degrading my training habits. “I would never.”

  “You might not notice them, but you’re more prone to because now you have these feelings for me that you can’t control and you have no idea what to do with.”

  Now she was making me angry.

  “Don’t put this all on me, Hannah.” I wobbled between inching closer to her and pulling back. “You can’t tell me those feelings aren’t reciprocated.”

  “No. No.” She shook her head. “We’re not doing this, Charlie. We’re not going down this road.”

  “Why not?” I straightened.

  Her nostrils flared and her lips tightened. “Because I have something to prove, and I don’t need you messing it up.”

  I pushed off the bed and stood to my feet. I began to pace across the room, not sure how to approach the next bit of conversation, because I was fuming. She was being absolutely ridiculous and none of it made any sense. I seemed to have forgotten why I settled into the habit of one-night stands instead of meaningful relationships, but this girl was certainly a helping reminder.

  “You know what, Hannah?” I stopped pacing. “Fine. This is all fine with me, but just know that I have never treated you differently than anyone who has been put through my training. I’m tough, I demand respect, but I’m also a human being, and if one of my trainees is hurt, I’m going to help them. If a brother of mine were doing hi
s first fifty-meter swim and couldn’t make it to the end, I wouldn’t let him drown. I would jump in and save him, because that’s what I do. If a brother of mine ended up in a fist fight, over something so god-awfully stupid, and he couldn’t defend himself, I would pull him out of there. Because that’s just something normal people do. And if he were so hurt that he ended up in the infirmary, I would sit by his side so that he wouldn’t wake up alone and scared, because that’s something any normal person with any shred of humanity would do. So don’t you fucking give me this special treatment bullshit because I didn’t give you special treatment. If anything…” I repeated myself, proving a point, “If anything, I was harder on you because I wanted you to be better. But you can believe whatever the hell you want. You can continue doubting yourself and refusing to be happy just so you can keep on being this damaged little girl who lost her daddy, and now refuses to accept approval from anyone else. If that’s really what you want, then fine. Go ahead, Hannah. Live that life.”

  I didn’t let her respond. I simply stormed out.

  Chapter Twenty

  Hannah