Embrace The Suck (A Stepbrother Special Forces Novel)

by Kenzie, Sophia

  But I stopped myself before I zipped my bag closed.

  He had shown up a week ago, when I called her. And he was still there. She hadn’t called me, texted me… nothing. Maybe she was able to get rid of him on her own. Maybe he transferred up there to be close to her, but had to stay at the hospital for the remainder of his temporary transfer. Yes… this made sense. This was obviously what happened. Hannah was too strong to get messed up in something she knew wasn’t good for her.

  Well, that’s not including me, of course. But we were different. We were something else. And by now, we both knew that.

  So, there wasn’t even a possibility that she was entertaining the likes of that doctor nitwit. It just… wasn’t possible.

  I dropped my bag and plopped down on the bed. I couldn’t race up there. That would be ridiculous. It would seem outwardly insane, and I’d be no better than Doctor Danny. No, I’d stay here. I’d wait it out. I’d wait for her call. If she needed me, then I’d rush to her side. Until then, I’d let her have her space. I’d show her that I’m patient and that she’s worth waiting for. And that I respect her decision to finish out the program rather than taking the easy way out and running away with me.

  But my mind was wandering too much for it’s own good. She still hadn’t called me back after her surprise visitor interrupted our last phone call. I had asked her why she left without answering me. I had a right to know why she denied my proposal to take her away from it all. It had been weeks now, with still no answer. Maybe… just maybe… she did take the easy way out. Maybe finishing the Special Forces Training program was easier than spending the rest of her days with me. Maybe I had been so blinded by my love for her that I refused to see the truth right in front of me.

  I was not enough for her. And I would never be enough for her.

  So why was I fighting so hard for someone who didn’t want me?

  I threw my still-full overnight bag into the closet, went to my truck, and drove to base.

  I answered every question regarding my doctor appointment with the word ‘fine’, and no one seemed to press for details. As I had taken the morning off for my appointment, I had nothing on my schedule until the afternoon, when we had a debriefing with some Army heads regarding our latest recon mission.

  So I hit the gym. I tossed some weights around, ran a few miles on the treadmill, and then tossed heavier weights around. It almost made me feel better, and it would have, had there not been the nagging voice in my head telling me I wasn’t good enough for the woman I loved. What the fuck was wrong with me?

  I always thought that one day I’d grow up, meet someone I’d want to settle down with, and then my days of gallivanting from bed to bed would be nothing more than a distant memory. I just didn’t think it would be so soon, and I definitely didn’t think that when that day happened, the girl I’d want to settle down with wouldn’t want to settle down with me.

  Hell, I also never in a million years thought that she would soon be my stepsister.

  I had to laugh to myself. How the fuck did we get into this mess?

  I stayed in the shower a little longer than I needed to, allowing the warm water the ability to wash away my thoughts and fears. And with it, my hopes and my dreams.

  What the hell was wrong with me? I needed to stay focused. I was a fucking Green Beret, and I needed to start acting like one again.

  “Hey Madison.” One of the guys from another unit opened the locker next to mine.

  “What’s up, Kaim?” I leaned against the cool metal, welcoming the distraction.

  “Just got back from Bragg.” He offered, not at all distracting me from my previous thoughts.

  “Right. I forgot you were up there.” I tried to seem unbothered. “How’d the first half of training go?”

  We talked about the candidates for a good chunk of time. He was actually impressed with the women: said he had anticipated that he’d have to take it easy on them, but for the most part, they well exceeded his expectations. He warned that there were a few that probably wouldn’t make it through the second leg of the assessment, but he believed at least half would be coming back to finish the training.

  “You had Birk, right?” He casually questioned, but I saw that he was fishing for more than just a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer.

  I just about laughed out loud. “Yes, I had Birk. How’s she doing?”

  Kaim went with me. “Actually really well. The girl fucking aced all the tests.”

  “Good.” I was sincerely very happy to hear that. “I was impressed by her when she was with me. She’s quite a fighter.”

  “Yeah…” The conversation began to trail off, as I knew he was hoping I’d offer up the information that would confirm the gossip.

  “What are you waiting for, Kaim? You can ask me.” It was as if I was talking to a little brother who was nervous to ask me a question about sex.

  “I mean…” He shrugged, closing his locker. “I had heard through the grapevine that you and her might have…” He decided to insinuate rather than finish his sentence.

  “Had a thing?” I helped him out.

  “Well… yes.”

  I swear, some of these guys were just plain afraid of me. I don’t know why, but I was fairly certain that they truly believed if they said the wrong thing, I might pummel their face in.

  I’m not saying I wouldn’t… but hey, it’s not like there was any precedent there.

  I guess it didn’t help them that my father was their boss. Maybe they were more scared of him than me. Or maybe it was equal. Either way, I got away with whatever I wanted. No one messed with me, or dared speak to me about anything they thought might upset me. It sort of made sense that I didn’t have any kind of ‘best friend’ on base.

  “Listen,” I eased his fear, “I don’t mind talking about it, and I’m not hiding anything anymore. Hannah and I had a thing. We’re on a bit of a hiatus, but I’m not saying we won’t have a thing again.”

  “Okay.” He nodded, but it was quite apparent that he hadn’t said all he wanted to say.

  “Fuck Kaim. What’s going on?” If he didn’t start spilling soon, I might just pummel his face.

  So he spit it out, almost literally. His words sped from his mouth, fearing that if he took a break to take a breath, he might lose his will and stop talking. He told me of this guy that had been hanging around base. Hannah wasn’t staying on base, but he was there waiting for her at the gate whenever she’d leave. He told me he just had a bad feeling about the guy, and it didn’t seem like Hannah was too keen on his advances.

  “Every time he puts his arm around her, she flinches.” He twisted his face. “It’s probably nothing, but it just had me a little concerned. So one day,” he continued to confess, “I confronted her about it. I told her that if she needed me to step in, I wouldn’t mind doing that. She just had to give me the go.”

  I was hanging on his every word. “And what did she say?” I pushed.

  “She thanked me, but said for right now, she could handle it.”

  My heart was racing. “And that was it? You just let her walk away?”

  “Well,” he paused, afraid he had said too much. “I told her I was there if she changed her mind.” His face turned red as if he knew he had made a mistake.

  “But you’re not there.” I almost yelled. “You’re here. And now she’s alone. You left her alone.”

  Kaim backed away from me, telling me she was okay, and in good hands. I apologized for raising my voice, as I knew it wasn’t his fault; he was just trying to do the right thing. I thanked him for letting me know; telling him I really appreciated his concern.

  I moved to the door of the locker room, but before leaving, turned back for one final moment. I had to give him something. He was just about shaking from my outburst. So I laughed, “It’s possible that maybe the hiatus wasn’t really my idea…”

  With that, he smiled, calming down.

  And I… Well, I went to repack my overnight bag. It was ver
y possible that I might need to leave on a moment’s notice.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Hannah

  I was covered in mud: thick, caked on mud. And stuck in that mud that was stuck on my body were dried leaves, dried sticks, and my own dried blood. I had spent all day crawling through a muddy trench and fighting my way across the floor of a wooded area, practicing the art of being inconspicuous. My teammates and I had to collect three items from three different areas of camp without being noticed. We couldn’t even say one word to each other. If the other team noticed just one of us, then a flare would go off, and we’d have to start all over again. And so, I spent thirteen hours in the mud.

  Needless to say, it wasn’t the best day of my life.

  I texted Danny once I got back to the locker room. I had realized he was much easier to handle if I simply didn’t ignore him. There was something strange about him that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. Although overly clingy, he was still sweet and caring, and any girl would be lucky to curl up next to him at the end of the night.

  But I didn’t feel like I was that girl. Now, I still believed he was a welcomed distraction from Charlie, being that I could still focus on my training rather than daydream about a boy all day, but I knew I wasn’t in it for the long run. In utter reality, I was using him as someone to bide my time with until I was ready to move on from my obsession with my soon-to-be stepbrother.

  He was a placeholder. That was all.

  But I had a feeling that once I cut ties with him for good, I might be met with a similar situation to the one I encountered in my bedroom only two weeks or so ago. So I held off until I ready; until I knew I could protect myself in case he flew the coop again.

  “Danny? Really?” Amanda snuck up behind me, reading over my shoulder. “Just tell him to go away.”

  I had told Amanda what had happened the night her came to North Carolina. She was the only one to which I actually told the entire story. I told her that he had scared me, that I didn’t feel safe.

  “You know I can’t do that.” I shoved my phone in my bag, shut my locker, and grabbed a towel.

  “No, I don’t know.” She fought. “It makes absolutely no sense to me. He attacked you, and for some reason completely unbeknownst to me, you’re allowing him to stay in your life.” She honestly seemed quite angry.

  “It was a—.” I started, but she cut me off.

  “A misunderstanding. I know. You’ve said that a hundred times. But the mere fact that you either allowed your relationship to get that out of control that he believed you wanted to be attacked in the middle of the night, or that you’re simply allowing yourself to trust he’s telling the truth so you don’t have to handle a much more difficult conversation, means that you’re not thinking this through. You’re letting someone else dictate your life. That’s not who you are, Hannah.”

  Amanda said her piece and headed for the showers.

  Of course her words resonated with me. I had been thinking the exact same thing over the past two weeks. And I had done nothing about it. It was easier to pretend I wasn’t uncomfortable. It was easier to prioritize my career problems over my relationship problems. At some point, I’d get to the latter, but that point wasn’t today, so therefore, today I didn’t have to think about it.

  “Is Danny picking you up?” Amanda judgingly asked me as we left the locker room.

  “No, I’m coming home with you.” I tried to ignore her cynicism.

  “Whoa.” She laughed. “

  “What?” I jokingly pushed her. I really loved Amanda; I didn’t want to fight with her. And I really didn’t want her to be angry with me.

  She pushed me right back. “I’ll believe it when I see it.”

  And she was right to say that, for as we walked out of the building, Danny was standing there, leaning up against his car.

  Amanda grabbed my hand, obviously sensing that I was extremely uncomfortable. “Do you want me to wait?”

  I almost said ‘no’. But I didn’t want to. “Could you?” I questioned with a furrowed brow.

  A happy, yet sympathetic smile spread across her face. “I’ll be in the car.”

  She held my hand for a second longer, squeezed it slightly, and then took off through the parking lot, toward the car.

  “How did you get through security?” I asked as my blood froze in my veins.

  “I’m at the military hospital, Hannah. I have some level of clearance.”

  “But,” I needed to argue. I needed to know that it wasn’t a real ability of his to get a pass onto base.

  “I had a meeting with your doctor in the infirmary.” He quickly eased my fear.

  “Oh.” I tried to not seem so relieved, but inside, I was shouting. Thank God!

  “I’ve been waiting here for an hour.” Danny’s mood suddenly changed.

  I shrugged unapologetically, not about to play into his fit. “I told you I couldn’t see you tonight, so I didn’t rush out of there.”

  “I didn’t agree to that.”

  I apprehensively tried to step back, but as I was within an arm’s reach, he grabbed me and clutched me close to him.

  I didn’t hug him back.

  But I wasn’t having ‘cuddle time’. “What do you mean ‘I didn’t agree to that’?” I pulled back from him, obviously irritated and not trying to hide it.

  Danny’s hands grasped at my shoulders. “Just because you say you’re too busy to make time for me doesn’t mean that I’m not going to try to make time for you.”

  “That’s not how this works.” I shrugged his hands off.

  His voice became louder and his tone deeper. “I uprooted my life for you, which means that I’m going to see you when I want to see you.”

  “Whoa, whoa, whoa.” I took two steps backwards. “I never asked you to do that, nor did I insinuate at all that I wanted you to do that. If anything,” I pointed my finger out of frustration – a habit I had become very accustomed to, as of late, “I told you the exact opposite.” My blood was boiling and my words were spilling out. “I was supposed to come here alone. I was supposed to get my work done without any distractions. And the fact that you’re here, taking up any ounce of free time I might have, is doing nothing but stressing me out.”

  I took a breath; finally satisfied with the route I had taken.

  But he was anything but satisfied. He grabbed my upper arm and began to pull me toward the car.

  “Let go of me.” I yelled as I fought him.

  He barely acknowledged my contest. “You’re coming with me.”

  “The hell I am!” I found a way to wriggle from his grip, but before I could step far enough away, I was back in his grasp, and pinned up against the car.

  “Hannah.” He spoke softly and calmly, with a strange smile on his face. “You will not fight me. You will come with me when I tell you to come with me. You will answer when I call, and you will only fight when I tell you to fight. Do I make myself clear?”

  It occurred to me in that moment that the fear I had felt, the uneasiness that encased me when I was around him; it was real. He wasn’t playing, and he wasn’t testing me. He was a psychopath, and I should have seen it coming. Maybe had I not been so desperate to make Charlie jealous that day in the hospital, I would have seen to his core.

  But just because I had made a mistake before, didn’t mean I was about to be a puppet in his little game any longer. It was time to stand up for myself and get rid of him once and for all.

  I grounded my stance and let him have it. “You need to leave, and you need to leave right now. You have absolutely no right to tell me what to do, and I have absolutely no idea what gave you the impression that you ever did. From this moment on, I never want to see you again. You will leave this parking lot and these will be the last words we ever speak to each other. Do I make myself clear?”

  His smile never faded. He nodded, took a breath, and then without looking, opened the driver’s side, car door. His eyes stayed locked on mine. They didn�
��t even flinch as he stepped in, shut the door behind him, and turned on the engine. I didn’t dare look away, for fear I would miss him turn a trick and find his arms wrapped around me again. Danny backed his car out of his spot, but decided to get one more dig in at me before leaving my life forever.

  “You’re going to wish you made a different choice.”

  With a wink and a smile, he was gone.

  And I was shaking.

  Amanda hopped out of the car when she saw me approach. “Are you okay?”

  I nodded, unable to speak.

  “Hannah, what happened?” She led me to the passenger’s side of the car, and helped my weak body find its way into the seatbelt.

  “I don’t think it’s over.” I mumbled as we pulled off down the road.

  “You’re going to be okay.” She blindly promised, though by the shaking of her voice, I’m pretty sure she believed that less than I did. “I’m proud of you, Hannah.”

  I thanked her, but spent the rest of the trip staring out of the window. Something didn’t feel right. The way he smiled, the way he winked… he wasn’t finished playing the game.

  I walked into my bedroom, fully ready to pass out after that whole ordeal, but I couldn’t lie down: my bed was covered in roses.