Embrace The Suck (A Stepbrother Special Forces Novel)

by Kenzie, Sophia

  I did just that, and then I took her hand in mine. But I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t.

  “You’re going away again, aren’t you?” She finally assessed.

  “I am.” I squeezed her fingers in mine.

  “How long?”

  This was going to be the hard part. Every ounce of my being wished I wouldn’t have to say the words. “Eighteen months… give or take.”

  “Fuck no.” She pulled her hand away from mine. “What does ‘give or take’ mean?”

  “It just…” I tried to explain that there was no set in stone time, it all depended on how fast we operated, but she wasn’t hearing it. I had said ‘eighteen months’ and she only wanted to focus on ‘eighteen months’.

  “Eighteen months? I’ll be finished in eighteen months. And then what? Huh? So, is this it?”

  She was spiraling.

  “Hannah, please calm down.” I tried to pull her back to me. I needed her to stay calm, because hell, I was about to explode.

  “I can’t calm down. You fucking made the decision that we weren’t going to run away together and not two weeks later you’re leaving me? And for a year and a half? What is that? Will I even be able to talk to you?”

  I hated these questions because the answers were not happy ones.

  “There are times…” I started, trying to find any silver lining, “that I might be able to send an email, and it’s always possible that I can come home for a few days to visit, but the likelihood of that happening is…”

  She cut me off again, her bright face growing redder by the second. “It’s not good. I get it. Whatever. Fine. Leave. Go ahead, Charlie. Just go.”

  “No.” I finally stood up to her. There was no way I was going to allow her to throw a pity party for herself. “That’s not how we finish this conversation. You’re a big girl, Hannah. Grow the fuck up. This is what we do. We are Green Berets and this is what we fucking do. And believe me, I know you. I understand that you’re scared and you’re afraid that without me building your confidence you won’t be able to make it through training hell, but you have to get over that completely baseless idea. You started this journey without me and you damn well better finish it. Suck it up. Prove to them what you want to prove, what you were born to prove, and then you’ve done your job. This is not about me. It’s about you and the job you set out to do, so don’t make it otherwise.” Now I was on a roll and the thoughts were sputtering out. “And although it’s easier, don’t you dare blame me. Don’t you dare think for one second that I’m not scared. I’m about to spend a year and a half in a place I’ve never been, fighting people I’ve never fought, and all the while kicking myself for the choice I made that put me in this situation- the choice I made for you, by the way- so that you would never have to look at me as the person who took away your dreams. So, don’t make me out to be the bad guy, Hannah. I don’t want to fucking leave you, and you know that.”

  With the intensity of her stare and the deafening silence between us, I half expected her to jump on top of me and begin to rip off my clothes. Hell, if our past was any indication, I more than half expected it.

  But she didn’t. Instead, she got up, walked to the door, and left.

  She left me alone, sitting on the hallway floor; feeling like I lost the only thing that ever mattered.

  Chapter Eleven

  Hannah

  I went for a run. I was wearing a tank top without a bra, sweatpants, and flip-flops, but I went for a run. I needed to clear my mind. Or rather, I needed to think things through.

  I did the math. If all went according to plan, Charlie would be home in time to see me off to Robin Sage and to high five me at graduation. I would be alone for the Airborne refresher course, Special Forces Planning, Culture and Regional Analysis, Language and Culture studies, Small Unit Tactics and SERE (Survival, Evasion, Resistance, and Escape), and the entirety of my Medical Sergeant Training. I don’t know what twisted fantasy I was living in, but for some reason, I just assumed he’d be there, by my side. I forgot that he also had a job to do.

  I guess that was pretty fucking selfish of me. And to blame it all on him would be pretty fucking selfish as well.

  And of course he was scared. I knew nothing about his mission, (though I was pretty sure I wasn’t allowed to know anything of his mission) but by the look on his face, it wasn’t one of those ‘easy’ or ‘routine’ tasks. And what did I do? I yelled at him and stormed out. We had such precious few moments left together, and I chose to run out on him.

  I had somehow run about two miles from our apartment in my non-running gear when I decided to give up and go home. It wasn’t worth it to keep running. My mind wasn’t clearing and I was just wasting time. But I was too far away… and I was tired… and I was mad… and I was so damn sad.

  So I curled up in a ball against a tree and let myself cry. I felt like I’d been crying a lot lately… or almost crying a lot… but this time, I let it all go. I yelled out into the darkness when I needed to, and only wiped my face when the tears started to tickle.

  My mind was so warped that I don’t even have an inkling of an idea as to how long I had been crying before Charlie found me. I was so angry with him, and yet, I wanted him to find me the whole time. I wanted him to be my white knight and save me.

  When did he successfully turn me into a girl?

  “I’ve been terrible to you lately.” He offered his hand down to me. “I knew this deployment might be coming, and I didn’t know how to tell you. So instead, I pushed you away.” He looked away to shuffle his feet in the dirt. “It seems that I tend to do that when things get too real.”

  While he analyzed himself, I decided it was time to stand up. I didn’t want to be on the ground anymore, especially when he was up there. So, I took his hand and spoke my truth. “I knew something was up, but I didn’t know I was about to lose you.” I felt my face scrunch up to bring on another sob. “I can’t lose you, Charlie.”

  “Hey, hey.” He wrapped me into his arms, finally allowing me the closeness I so craved. “You’re not losing me.” His lips found my forehead. “I will come back for you, Hannah.”

  We slowly strolled back to our apartment, hand in hand, while he filled me in on what little he could in regards to his upcoming mission. His hesitance and the strain on his face filled in the rest. I had never seen him so uncertain of himself and of his ability to complete a successful mission. I listened intently, all the while trying to silence the voice in the back of my mind that was promising I would never see him again.

  When we stepped back into the apartment, hand in hand, I saw his packed duffel lying next to the door. My heart sank.

  “So this is happening now?” My voice cracked.

  “I ship out at 0600.” Without letting me comment, he cradled me back into his chest.

  He reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. “Try to smile, okay? The thought of you is the only thing that will be able to keep me sane while I’m gone.”

  We took a few pictures, though both our smiles were tarnished with a hint of tears. It was late, and we together had to be on base before daybreak. I suggested we go to sleep, and even offered him his side of the bed, considering I would get it for the next eighteen months. He tried to laugh at my joke, but then quickly cradled me into his arms, hugging so tight.

  “I want to hold you forever.” He whispered in my ear. “And although I know we’re both tired and exhausted,” he lifted my chin to look into my eyes, “I’m going to make love to you now.”

  Our lips collided ever so gently, attempting to hold onto every bit of each other. His strong hands moved through my hair, around my neck, across my shoulders, and gripped the sides of my arms. He was holding me tighter than he normally did, though he wasn’t hurting me. Instead, it seemed like he was refusing to let me go. Carefully, he backed me up against the wall, making sure my head didn’t hit, and as soon as I was pinned, he let his hands move freely around my body. The weight of his palm rested on m
y chest, and I’m sure he could feel my heart beat gain momentum at his touch. I breathed into his hand, willing him to continue his search of my body. Preciously, his hands did move, following my curves and landing on my thighs, just under my backside. With just a flex of his arms, my feet lifted off the ground, and he guided my legs to wrap around his hips.

  Then he pressed himself up against my pelvis, promising me this night would end with him inside of me. My hands instinctually flew to the wall behind me and then up, over my head. I wanted to feel exposed around him, completely vulnerable and for the taking. I lifted my chin up, giving his lips full access to my neck. We very well could have been just that way for an hour, tantalizing each other with our little teases.

  But neither of us wanted our passion play to end there, and we soon found ourselves in the bedroom, clothes strewn from one end of the apartment to the other. He stood above me for a time, simply looking.

  “What?” I hummed, wishing to know why he had yet to attack me.

  “I want to remember this.” He smiled into my eyes. “When I close my eyes at night, I want this picture to be what a see.”

  “Well,” I bit my bottom lip, “I guess I better smile for the camera.”

  He kiddingly held up an imaginary camera while I teasingly pretended to pose. And then, at the exact moment when neither of us could handle not having our hands on each other any longer, we collided. He pushed inside of me, filling me with every ounce of happiness I could ever hope for. He made me feel complete. And that feeling is what I would hold onto for the next eighteen months. We looked into each other’s eyes as our hips pushed forward and back and forward and back. We smiled and we kissed, we moaned and we cried out in pleasure.

  At some point, it was over, though I can’t say I specifically remember the ending. The entire journey was just as pleasurable. We curled up next to each other, him insisting I take the left while he spooned up against me. I graciously accepted my win. I knew there would come a day when I’d win that battle.

  Just a second before I fell asleep, I asked him why we didn’t run away together. He told me through his fading words that he was trying to be worthy of me; he didn’t want to take for granted my love. It wasn’t bullshit. I absolutely believed his intentions were pure and that was good enough for me.

  And then he mentioned something about me saving the world.

  I never did catch what he meant by that; though it was the second time he had said it since we returned to Fort Bragg.

  I promised myself that if I remembered in the morning, I would ask him why I had to save the world.

  But, that wasn’t even close to being the first thing on my mind when we woke up the next morning to say our goodbyes. I would have to wait to ask him until he came home to me.

  Chapter Twelve

  Charlie

  My team and I had landed in Nigeria two days earlier, and without even a second to find our bearings, we were already dodging bullets from a group of African insurgents. I had known this group well, for they seemed to be the main reason my team was thrown back in Nigeria year after year. In 2009, we received intelligence that a small militia was making homemade bombs. The acts of the small terrorist group weren’t expected to escalate into something that would require our serious attention. But, in an effort to keep our ties with the local police strong, we offered our assistance. We aided in raiding the location in question and arresting nine members of this faction.

  But there were consequences.

  We had misjudged the enormity of this terrorist group, and their retaliation on the police force left police stations, prisons, schools and churches destroyed, as well as over 700 dead. It was a win for the country, though, as most of those 700 had, in fact, been part of the insurgence, and they were able to capture the leader of the group. That leader then soon died in prison and intelligence led everyone to believe that any future attacks were null and void, and the country had won the battle. Security was called off, and we went home.

  But in 2010, we were back. 105 members of that terrorist group were broken out of prison by a handful of their own, and the attacks began to escalate with no end in sight. Between raids and bombs, kidnappings, and massacres, my team has spent every year since trying to clean up the mess these rebels left behind.

  Then, in the beginning of September, we received the best news of all: all camps and cells of the terrorist group had been destroyed. They could no longer hold any territory.

  We had won.

  At least that’s what we thought. Throughout the next two months there were reports of small bombings and small raids, but it was promised that the situation was under control, and we had no reason to believe otherwise.

  That didn’t mean we stopped surveillance. I had been reviewing the images taken from our drones since I returned to Bragg. I wanted to stay abreast of the situation just in case they called upon our services again. But then, as I took another glance over a picture I had stared at a hundred times, I saw him. Standing among the crowd amidst the devastation was the man I had thought to be dead. He was looking up, practically smiling at the camera, and he just so happened to be standing in the exact location where I had killed him. Or, I guess, where I thought I had killed him. It was a message to me, and I knew exactly what he was after. Revenge.

  “Didn’t think we’d be back here.” Pierce cozied up next to me with his Remington M24 SWS. “The nightmares had just about stopped.”

  I could have easily agreed with him, but I held onto my comment. “Do you have eyes on him?” Though I knew this wasn’t about to be a short mission, I just wanted to get through this and go home.

  The man I had killed only a few short months ago, the proclaimed leader of the insurgence, had actually already been killed at least five times before. It was the same thing each time: he would disappear for a short period, and then have a spectacular rebirth while he laughed in the face of the media. It was assumed that he used body doubles for security reasons, and it was those doubles that took the toll of death, but I knew at least the one time that wasn’t the case. I stared into his eyes. I knew him. I watched the life escape him. How could he be now holding up only a hundred yards away from us?

  As it was announced that his insurgence had been put to an end once and for all back in early September, my ghostly friend was sure to come back with a vengeance, proving to the world that no one could take down his team of radicals. With that knowledge, our mission was clear: attempt to minimize the spread of destruction, take down the group, and then rebuild the country. It might sound simple enough, but that was actually a hell of a lot to do in eighteen months.

  Especially since, somehow, on day two, we were already too close.

  “No one has eyes on him.” Pierce ducked back down into the trench. “The man is a ghost.”

  “Has any intelligence come in on what he’s planning next?” I struggled to grasp at straws.

  “The Colonel isn’t talking.” Pierce informed me of what I had already suspected concerning the local police. “He said no one is to be trusted.”

  I feared that would be the case. We had spent so much time in this God-forsaken country, and yet, they were still suffering attacks from the very group we had been tasked to take down six years ago. Why should they trust us?

  The gunfire would eventually die down and the terrorists would eventually take to the streets, but Pierce and I stayed in that trench until nightfall.

  “How’s that girl of yours?” Pierce broke the still silence with talks to take us out of our current hell.

  “She’s good.” I smiled to myself, picturing the image of her I had pretended to photograph while she was lying naked on our bed. “Well, she’s fucking mad at me, of course.”

  I had told Pierce, actually I told all the guys, about my struggle with throwing in the towel. None of them could fault me; it seemed I’d been having a run of bad luck lately, and that could weigh on anyone.

  “She’ll get over it.” He patted my shoulder. “They al
l do. Just come home in uniform and do that dip and kiss thing they all like.” Pierce had actually been married for the past eight years, so he prided himself on knowing how to keep a lady around. I don’t know how she put up with him sometimes, but the two of them were ridiculously in love. How could he stand to leave her over and over again? I wondered how many days he thought about giving it all up as well.

  I dropped my self-pity and went back to our conversation, though by now I was feeling a bout of pessimism. “I think the most important part of that statement is to ‘come home’.”

  “Dude.” Pierce shook his head at me. “You can’t think like that. We’re getting home. This is just like all the others. Slam, bam, thank you African rebel forces.”

  I had to laugh. I don’t know how his spirits were so high while mine were constantly waning. And I was supposed to be their command, their rock.

  Lately, it felt as though they were supporting me through this all.

  Lately, I had just lost hope.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Hannah