Embrace The Suck (A Stepbrother Special Forces Novel)

by Kenzie, Sophia

  “Tea?” She finally asked when I let her get in a word.

  “Tea would be great.” I agreed, happy that she had just set forth an offering that meant we were going to continue talking this through. I didn’t realize how helpful that would be.

  I followed her to the kitchen, asking about her day.

  “Well, it was nowhere near as eventful as yours.” She teased.

  “Where were you?” I questioned, just now realizing she hadn’t been home all day.

  She reminded me that before the training program started, she had worked in the psych department, dealing with interrogations and debriefings. I hadn’t forgotten, of course, but it hadn’t come up in almost two years, so the reminder was helpful.

  “Since I had these few weeks off and I’m not really ‘studying’ per se, they brought me in today to consult on a case.”

  “You’re so cool.” I beamed.

  “Eh, it was kind of boring. Now that I’m used to being in the action, sitting in a room while analyzing can get tedious.”

  It made sense… but I still held onto the belief that she was super cool.

  “Okay, back to you.” She handed me a freshly brewed pot of tea. “When do you ship out?”

  “Mmm,” I bit my bottom lip. “That’s the thing. I don’t actually know if I’m going to go.”

  “What?” She almost blew a fuse right in front of me. “You’ve been doing all this work and you’re going to let someone else go and finish the job? Come on. What have we been doing all this training for if we never get to the action?”

  I hated it as much as she did, but carefully explained the entire situation with my mother, and how with both Max and I going, she was left completely alone.

  She calmed down, and then smartly equated it to the Sole Survivor Policy, but I quickly reminded her that as of now, we were still both alive.

  “Oh, right. Duh.” She laughed.

  It was nice to hear her laugh. I had been so consumed by my own mission lately that I forgot to take a time-out to be a friend. It was definitely a necessary role during a time of such stress. While I constantly said that having hope that Charlie was alive was the only thing getting me through this stretch of my life, I didn’t give Amanda enough credit. She was my friend. And she never let me down.

  “So what are you going to do?” She took another sip of tea and sat down on a barstool next to the counter, slyly egging me on.

  “I’m going to go.” I said aloud before realizing I even came to the conclusion. “I have to. If I don’t,” I was now convincing myself, “and they don’t find Charlie, I’m always going to wonder if I could have done something different that would have led to a different outcome… the outcome I need.”

  She smiled but said nothing, knowing I needed to work this out myself. She had done a great job getting me there, but now, it was all on me.

  “But what if I get there and I’m too late?” Now everything that had been hiding in the back of my mind was coming out into the open. “What if I find out that I was wrong, and he’s been gone this entire time? Or worse…” I continued rambling. “What if I get there and find out that it is him in the picture, but he had been outed and… and…” I couldn’t physically finish my thought, but I also knew I didn’t need to. We both understood my fear.

  I rested my elbows on the counter and allowed myself to sink. “At least now I have hope. What happens if that hope is taken away from me?”

  Amanda slapped me across my head in the nicest way possible. “Then you move on. You’re a big girl, Hannah. And because of that, what you’re going to do is go over there, do what you do, and work your damndest to find Charlie. Then, you’ll discover once and for all what really happened, and you won’t be up all night studying news articles and crying, or waking up in the middle of the night screaming. You can move on with your life. You can find something else to do, or someone else to love. Sure, it’ll be hard, and you’ll hate it for a long time, but you have to stop living in this limbo. Hannah, it’s not healthy.”

  Amanda was always good at talking me out of my emotional breaks. For being such a romantic, she was somehow able to be extremely practical when I got all weepy and ‘what-if-y’. She countered me well.

  I only hoped that one day I’d be able to return the favor.

  “So, Hannah,” she sat up straight, lifting her teacup to her mouth for dramatic effect. “When do you ship out?”

  I returned her posture and nodded with confidence. “Tomorrow.”

  Chapter Five

  Hannah

  By the time I called Max to tell him of my decision, the rest of the team was already in place and ready to ship out in the morning.

  “So does that mean you don’t need me?” I asked with reservation, hoping he wouldn’t admit that he already gave away my spot on the team.

  “That means I saved you a seat on the plane because I knew you were coming.” He growled with almost a sense of excitement. He had rightfully assumed my conclusion, and was thrilled to let me know that he predicted the outcome of my decision even before I did. “Sleep well, Hannah. We’ll be meeting on base at oh-five-hundred.”

  “Yes sir.” I announced, a little too chipperly.

  I slept well that night, considering. I had a few dreams, but they were all happy dreams. There was one where I found Charlie, and he was okay, but had I been a minute later, he would have been killed by the insurgence. There was another where he was completely fine- his team had just been shot down and couldn’t get their radios to work, so they had been stuck, hoping someone would come look for them. And there was another where a dog was drinking chocolate milk and asked me if I wanted a sip. But then the dog was my neighbor from when I was in third grade.

  Yeah, that one made no sense. But the others… I felt the others were promising me that Charlie was okay, and I was going to find him. And hell, if I found a talking dog drinking chocolate milk, that would be pretty cool too.

  I met the rest of the party just before oh-five-hundred hours the following morning, and was asked to sign a statement saying that I understood I had not yet graduated from the Special Forces Training Program, and was acting as a soldier in the Army, but not as a Green Beret. Because of that fact, Command Sergeant Major Reynolds would be overseeing all my actions.

  “What does this mean, exactly?” I whispered to the Command Sergeant Major before signing.

  “It essentially means that I’m babysitting you.” He gave me a half smile, knowing I wouldn’t like the sound of that.

  “Um, no.” I argued, childishly.

  “Birk,” he scorned, under his breath, “we’re not in my kitchen arguing with your mother right now.”

  He was right. I pulled myself back together and signed the paper. “Happy?” I turned to him with a fake smile plastered across my face.

  He gave me a grimace, but continued on, explaining that if the mission went on past two weeks, him and I would be returning separately in order for me to start Robin Sage with the rest of my training group. It seemed a bit like we were jumping through a lot of hoops, but I knew my place, so I agreed.

  But deep down, I knew that if we hadn’t yet found Charlie after two weeks, neither of us would be leaving. We were too headstrong for that, and we would see this thing through until the very end.

  “And one more autograph.” He placed the final sheet in front of me.

  My eyes darted to his as I said, under my breath, “How many strings did you have to pull to get me on this mission?”

  He winked with his now signature half smile. “Three.”

  When the final paper was signed, Reynolds handed them to his superior officer and motioned for me to wait out in the hall. It was a lot of politics and bureaucracy, but none of that mattered to me. Once the ‘i’s were dotted and the ‘t’s crossed, we would be on our way to bring home Charlie Madison. With that end picture in my mind, I could do anything.

  “Hey.” Max pulled me aside before we boarded the plane. “I have somet
hing for you.”

  Slightly confused and even more slightly concerned, I waited for him to continue.

  He reached into his pocket and pulled out a thin silver chain with a stone dangling from the end. “It’s a… you know, a thank you.”

  It was very obvious that the Command Sergeant Major didn’t often say ‘thank you’.

  “For what, exactly?” I helped him along.

  “Um, well, without you, this would never have happened. We wouldn’t be on our way to find my son. And I know he means a lot to you too, but you have proved yourself to be stronger than I could ever have been in this situation. You didn’t give up, while the rest of us did so long ago. And, when the day comes, I’ll be so proud to call you my daughter.” He smiled, finally settling into his speech. And then with a little chuckle, he winked at me. “In either or both capacities.”

  My heart fluttered.

  Did he just hint at…?

  Not important right now, Hannah.

  With a single tear in my eye- a tear of happiness, mind you- I gracefully accepted the necklace from him and clasped it around my neck.

  “Thank you.” And then I smiled and winked back at him. “Dad.”

  A lot had just happened before sunrise.

  It was a long flight.

  And it was an uncomfortable flight.

  Before starting my training with the Army, there was no way I would ever agree to such inhumane conditions. Where was my pillow? My satellite television? My bloody mary mix with a nip of vodka on the side?

  We didn’t have any luxuries of that nature on our flight. Sure, I slept a little and ate a little, but the majority of our travel was spent discussing what would happen once we touched ground. There were a number of scenarios we went over, but the common thread was that we would land in Lagos, Nigeria, and then board a helicopter to take us out into the less developed part of the country. We would split into three teams, and each team would focus on one of the three places Charlie’s group was suspected to be in hiding.

  Command Sergeant Major Reynolds informed me that we, along with the rest of our team, would be going to the village where the picture of Charlie was taken. I was quite satisfied with that decision, as that was the location I had personally found, and oddly enough, I had a good feeling about it. Even with everything against us, I was certain that we would be the ones to find him.

  I was even more certain that it would be me that would find him.

  We landed safely in Lagos, and just as we had discussed, there were three helicopters waiting for us at the airport when we arrived. We quickly split into three separate groups, said our goodbyes and good lucks, and ventured off to find our missing comrades. By the time we were airborne in the chopper, I realized I was seriously sick of traveling. For a brief second, I wondered if maybe the reason women had never entered into the Special Forces wasn’t because it had previously been frowned upon, but was instead because the women of earlier generations were smart enough to realize they didn’t want to be stuck without escape with a bunch of smelly boys. I almost said that very thought out loud until I quickly scanned the room… or the helicopter, rather... and realized that with my current company, I would be the only one to find my joke amusing. Still, I wished to say something to break up the monotony of the silence, to try and ease all of our nerves, but alas, I had no words. I didn’t know these people, and for all they knew, I had no right to be on this mission in the first place. Why would they want to hear anything from me?

  So I decided to keep quiet and stay focused. Although I had already proved my worth enough to get a spot on this mission, I would still need to convince the boys that had made the Army their job for the entirety of their adult life, that I was an asset on their team and not someone who needed to be babysat.

  I understood that having Reynolds there specifically as my babysitter would make it more difficult to prove my point, but it was just another obstacle to conquer, and I would simply have to suck it up and conquer it. No ifs, ands, or buts.

  I was a soldier now; I had to start acting like one.

  We landed safely at our drop point just outside a small town about one hundred and thirty miles inland from Lagos airport. The town was not our final destination; it was just where we would meet up with the Captain of the local police force. We were still another twenty-five miles or so from the village where the picture of Charlie was taken, but the rest of the traveling would have to be by car and foot, so as not to alert the insurgence that we had arrived.

  The Captain was friendly, warm, and inviting: all traits I really hadn’t expected from someone living in an area that had been riddled with terrorism for the last six or seven years. But I guess he knew we were the good guys, and any help we could offer, he would of course, accept graciously.

  But then things got blurry.

  I remember him greeting us.

  I remember him inviting us in for coffee and baked goods.

  I remember him relaying chatter they had picked up regarding an impending threat to their small town.

  And that is all I remember.

  Chapter Six

  Hannah

  When I woke up, the police station was nothing but a pile of rubble. I knew there must have been a bomb, it was the only thing that made sense- I just couldn’t pinpoint the exact time it exploded.

  The air was full of dust and grey dirt; I couldn’t see past my own nose. I called out, but it was so loud. There were screams and cries and body parts sticking out from under slabs of concrete.

  I followed the voices, picking up lost children and pulling trapped strangers out of the debris. In my haze, I wasn’t quite sure of my surroundings. I knew we were in the police station before the bomb went off- all seven of us on my team- and I knew that most terrorist bombings in the country happened at either hospitals, schools, or police stations. Chances were, my team was at ground zero for the bomb.

  Chances were, I had been hurt, but thanks to adrenaline, I hadn’t yet realized it.

  Shit.

  “Sir?” I found one of the children’s parents and happily returned him. “Could you do me a favor?”

  “Happily.” He refused to stop thanking me for reuniting him with his child. “What can I do for you?”

  I looked at my sagging shoulder; my arm had been pulled out of its socket. In the turmoil, I hadn’t noticed that I was missing the use of an arm. Using my working arm, I lifted the other to him.

  “I’m going to need you to pull. Hard.”

  I’ve experienced pain before, as everyone has. But this, this was something else. It was quick and dirty and oh my God did it hurt.

  “Are you okay?” The man, still clutching his son next to him, yelled out after my scream.

  “I’m fine.” I tried to shake it off, rubbing my shoulder like it was no big deal: just a wince. “Thank you so much.”

  I kept searching, looking high and low for my team, but I couldn’t find any trace of them. We had all been in the same room. How had they ended up this far from my side?

  “Reynolds! Reynolds!” I called out, begging to hear an answer amidst the hollow screams.

  Nothing.

  “Reynolds!”

  I felt a hand on my back before an unfamiliar voice followed. “You’re an American!” I turned quickly, ready for anything, but soon found myself standing directly next to a young boy. He couldn’t have been older than nine years old. “Follow me!”

  He grabbed my hand and took off. I had no choice but to follow.

  My first thought, and really my only thought, was that he knew where Charlie was and planned on leading me directly to him. A rush of excitement flew through my chest. Was this truly happening? If I could really be reunited with Charlie on the very first day we arrived in Nigeria, it would be nothing short of a miracle. The questions that had been riddling my mind for so long wouldn’t go unanswered for one more day.

  And so, without thinking for another second, I continued to follow the boy, through the wreckage, thr
ough the screams, and through the still thick dust, certain he would bring me straight to my Charlie.

  In the excitement of it all, I completely forgot about the rest of my team. I think somewhere in the back of my mind I figured I couldn’t give up this chance to find Charlie. The kid who grabbed my hand didn’t really give me an option, after all. If I passed up his offer, I might never be given another shot.

  Sure, I’ll give all these excuses now, but in the moment, I forgot that I was a soldier for the United States Army. I forgot that I was there on a government sanctioned mission. As I raced through the crowded, confused streets, I was nothing more than a girl who had fallen in love with a boy.

  And I was on my way to save that boy.

  We ran for about a mile without stopping. Considering my training, a mile should have been a walk in the park, but after breathing in the dust, and the ache still in my shoulder, plus the discombobulation from the entire experience of being knocked out for however brief a period of time, that single mile went on forever. Not to mention, I knew at the end of that journey I’d wind up in Charlie’s arms. It wouldn’t have mattered if we only ran a hundred feet… the anticipation was enough to drive the most patient person absolutely batshit crazy.