“Remember me?” a female voice asks, as a hand cups my ass.
I open my eyes, and remove the hand, bumping into dancers as I move away from the woman before me. Yes, I remember her. I remember them all. If I let myself look too closely at everything, I’ll realize that’s why I fight so hard to not remember anyone who came after them.
“Yes.”
“It’s a shame they closed this place down, but we could still have some fun.”
“No.”
“You said that to me before, but your body had other ideas.”
“You heard me say ‘no’ and you still used me. Rape isn’t a good look, honey.”
“Your body wanted it.”
“But my mind, and soul didn’t. I was chained to a wall, so I couldn’t walk away.”
“I-I didn’t think you meant it.”
“I did.”
“Oh Go! I’m sorry. Really, I’m sorry.”
I can see in her eyes she means it. She looks sad, and maybe a little traumatized. “Thank you for saying that.”
“Is there anything I can do to help you? Do you need help?”
“I need help, but not from you. I appreciate the offer, though.”
I walk away, because anything more I could say would hurt both of us. I would be lying if I said the weight of this place was lifted from me by that apology, but I can honestly say I feel a little calmer as I walk through the room. I told Viv I wasn’t naïve, and I meant it. I know not all of those people were as clueless as the girl I walked away from, and I know her apology doesn’t make what she did right. It’s helping me walk through this crowd right now, so there’s that, but it’s not everything I need.
The stairs to the VIP area are being guarded by a bouncer who looks like he could snap me in two, yet I still approach him, because it’s up there where everything started. I’ve walked through the end, but I also need to face the beginning. Time to slap on the pompous smirk of the rich boy out to play.
“Hey, man.”
“Hello.”
“Do you think I could take a peek upstairs?”
“Whatcha offering?”
I pull out some pounds I got from the ATM in Cardiff, and hand the notes over to him. He raises his eyebrows before smiling, and pulling back the velvet rope.
“Go on up.”
I nod, and swagger my way up the steps. It’s all about image sometimes, and I know how to work what I’ve been born with. Money, privilege, and a good little smirk can get me almost anywhere I want to be. And right now, I need to be here.
There’s more making out up here, and a few oral sex demonstrations, but that’s common in many of the clubs I’ve been to, so it doesn’t bother me to see it, even in this place.
“How’s it going?” a man asks, rising from a couch where he was sitting alone. I didn’t notice him, but I should’ve.
“Nate Anderson. I don’t believe in coincidences, but I’m not sure why my sister sent you.”
“Let’s get out of here, and I’ll explain.”
“I’m not ready to leave.”
He nods. “The room is open back there, but no one’s inside. Take your time.”
I hate that he knows why I’m here, but he’s not mocking me in any way, and I appreciate that. “Okay.”
V iv
This time, when Rhieve finds me, I’m sitting on the deck, trying to read and relax. It’s not going so well, but I’m trying. I place my e-reader down, and smile at her, knowing what—or rather, who—she’s here to talk to me about.
“You didn’t go after him.”
“No. I love Rhys, but I won’t chase after someone who isn’t ready for me. I stayed with a man who didn’t love or want me for far too long to do that to myself again.”
“He loves, and wants you.”
“Yes, but he’s not ready to accept either of those things. He has to before we can move forward.”
“I know where he is.”
“I’m pretty sure I do, too.”
“He needs someone to be there when he falls. Someone to maybe not catch him, but to help him stand again.”
“He needs more help than I can offer, Rhieve. I will happily help him dust himself off when he stumbles, but only when he truly accepts everything I’m willing to offer him, and can offer me the same back. I have to put myself first for once in my life. If I don’t, it will make things worse for us.”
“I’ve talked to him about seeing someone.”
“I’m guessing that didn’t go over so well.”
“No, but I’ve sent a friend to try and help.”
“If you can’t get through to him, and he won’t let me even try, what makes you think someone who doesn’t love him can?”
“Because he doesn’t love him like we do, and because, he’s been through something similar.”
“Oh. I didn’t think what happened to Rhys was common. I mean, I should realize it is, but no one really talks about men having that happen.”
“That’s part of the problem. We don’t even talk enough about what happens to women, and men get completely overlooked. My friend didn’t have the same circumstances as Rhys, but he was used against his will for sex. I’m hoping he can convince my brother to get help.
“Me too.”
Hope is all I have left right now, but I’m holding onto it as tightly as I can. I’m starting my life over, and I can’t look back, or wish for what might’ve been. None of that will change. The future is all I have in my control, and while I want Rhys to be a part of that, if he can’t, I’ll have to find a way to accept that, too.
CHAPTER 11
RHYS
I step into the room where I voluntarily came and had sex with the two women I left Calum’s club with, remembering it all. Back then, I walked into this room with one on each arm, and a smile on my face. I wanted more of what they gave me in that club, but not as much as I ended up getting. Still, the guilt lingers. I did this to myself. Even if no one says it, I know it’s true.
It’s why Viv needs to stay far away from me. I’m tainted, and ugly inside. My soul is at least grey, if not black, and I don’t know how to cleanse it, and make it whole again for her—and me. I want that so desperately, but I just don’t know if it’s possible. I came here to try, but it’s not helping me like I prayed it would.
I stand in that room until the pressure becomes too much, and I want to destroy it all. Remembering the destruction at X’s house, I understand it. He lost his love, and tried to tear down his physical world. Now, I want to tear this place of pain down to get back my love. If only getting rid of the pain was that easy.
“I could tell you it gets easier, because it does, but I know you don’t want to hear that right now,” Nate tells me, stepping into the room.
“How would you know anything about what I’m going through? You’ve got it all.”
“Now, I do. But, there was a time when choice was taken from me, and it took the love of a good woman, along with some therapy sessions, and my friends, to make me functional again.”
“You?” I ask, stumbling back a little, because he’s a fucking MMA fighter. How could anyone force him to do things he didn’t want to do.
“Yes, me.”
“And you go see some a shrink?”
He nods. “Less now than I did a couple of years ago, but at least twice a month.”
“Wasn’t that embarrassing?”
“Yes, and no. I’m well aware of how alpha I am in life, so admitting I let things happen to me was hard, but once I was in a place where I could talk freely, it helped me more than I could’ve ever imagined. Being able to talk to someone who doesn’t judge me, or know me outside of that room makes me feel safe. It even helped me talk to Jade. She knew what happened, and tried as hard as she could to be patient with me, but until I could really explain it to her, she was fumbling in the dark. She comes with me sometimes now, and it’s made it easier for both of us to communicate what we’re thinking and feeling.”
“I
f Viv knew what I let them do to me, she’d never look at me the same way.”
“I know it feels that way, but Jade accepted what happened to me, although she did want to kill some people. Vivienne will accept what happened to you, but first you have to accept it, and understand that it’s not your fault. Whatever you did or said before, it doesn’t excuse what was done to you after. I don’t know her well, but from what I’ve seen, Vivenne’s going to fight for you if you give her the chance.”
“I came here, because I want to face it, and try to be better. But, nothing’s better. A woman apologized to me down there, and it still didn’t lift any of the weight I’m carrying around.”
“Come home with me. You can talk to my Society doctor. She’s awesome. Or we can find you someone else. You can talk to me anytime you need to. And, some of us have group sessions.”
“Who else goes with you to the sessions?” I ask, thinking I might want to take him up on his offer, but not quite sure yet.
“I can’t reveal other people’s secrets, but if you’re there, you’ll see.”
“What if I go in there, and can’t say a word? To the doctor, I mean.”
“She’ll get you talking, unless you really don’t want to. Then, she’ll sit there are let you be quiet with your thoughts.”
“And at the group thing?”
“Well there, we won’t be so easy on you, but it helps to know you’re not alone, and I think you’ll want to talk, even if it’s hard.”
I want to believe him, and do what he’s saying. I didn’t know him when he was fighting for himself, but I see him now, and I want the peace I believe he’s found. It won’t be easy—or quick—but I know I want it. Still, there’s something holding me back.
“I have one more place I need to go, but I’m not sure I should go there now.”
“I’ll go with you if you need me to.”
“To a sex club?”
“Um, let me call Jade and tell her, and then I’ll go. If you’re sure.”
“She wouldn’t care?”
“My wife trusts me, and knows I won’t do anything with anyone there. Do you want to call Vivienne just in case someone leaks that we were there? I assume you’re talking about Calum’s place, and I know no phones or cameras are allowed inside, but people still talk.”
“No, because I need to do something with someone there. I need to get sucked off in the place it all began, in order to move forward.”
It’s crass, and maybe TMI, but he needs to know what he’s getting into if he goes there with me. This is the one block talking to someone won’t cure.
“Dude, no.”
“I’m pretty sure it’s the only way.”
“And, I’m really sure it’s not.”
“I couldn’t look at her when we had sex. She was my first, and I’ve fantasized about her for years, but I couldn’t look at her. She doesn’t deserve that.”
“No, she doesn’t,” he agrees. “Since we’re sharing, I’ll tell you I couldn’t let Jade touch me, or talk about how much she liked my body when we first got together. I was objectified by other women, and I projected that onto her, treating her the same way.”
“No one would ever know you two had problems,” I tell him truthfully.
They’re affectionate every time I see them, teasing each other about various things and always touching. They kiss, and hold hands, and now all I can think about is having that with Viv. Feeling free with her, and letting her have the freedom to touch me without asking. I want that so bad.
“I had a choice to make. Would I wallow in what happened to me, and live my life alone? Or would I accept her love, get help, and be the happiest man alive? I made the right choice, and I know you will too, if you get your head out of your ass.”
“I want to, but I also want to be able to take her to bed without freaking out because I’m giving up some control. I’d even take her to one of Calum and Guil’s clubs if she wants, and I can’t do that with the bad memories haunting me.”
“You can’t do that at all if you fuck some other chicks in the club. Or even just let them suck your dick. That’s Cheating 101, even if you’re not fully together at the moment.”
“I know, and I don’t actually want anyone else, but what do I do to make this better?”
“Exactly what I suggested. Talk to someone professional, and let yourself accept the love Vivienne’s offering you.”
“That easy, huh?”
“Not at all, but it’s worth it. Trust me on that.”
This is one of those moments when you have to make a choice in your life. Going down one path might help you rebuild what you think you’ve lost, but it can also cost you everything you want. The other path is scarier than anything else you’ve ever done in your life, but it could bring you everything. I believe Nate when he says he made the right choice, because I’ve seen it with my own eyes. Right now, I know which path I should choose, but I don’t know if I can. Nevertheless, I’m going to try. I owe that to both Viv, and me, so I’m going to do it.
“Let’s go catch a plane.”
He smiles at me, and I see the relief in his eyes. “You’re making the right choice.”
“I think I am,” I tell him, and then I remember something else. “Wait, I need to let the guy who was after me beat me up, so everyone else can go home too.”
“He’s being dealt with.”
No. Not again. “I can’t keep letting everyone rescue me. I need to own up to things.”
“I was told you didn’t know the chick was with someone.”
“I didn’t.”
“Then, it’s not your problem, is it?”
“I guess not,” I tell him, realizing he’s right.
Maybe I should’ve asked, but I didn’t know, and I’m not responsible for what the woman I was with did to him. I’m responsible for other things, but not that. It’s time for me to work on those other things, and get my life together. Once I’m in a good place, I’ll go to Viv, and beg her to give me chance number three.
VIV
“I took care of the guy,” X tells me, walking outside where I’m playing with Micah.
It’s been three days since Rhys left, and I’ve done everything I can to stay busy, and not think about him. Which means I think about him every minute of every day. Rhieve told me he’s okay physically, but she wouldn’t tell me anything else. He’s her brother, and I understand her loyalty belongs to him, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it. It’s killing me not to know what’s going on.
“Thank you.”
“I’m taking Micah home tomorrow, but I wasn’t sure if you were heading back with us.”
“I am. I can’t stay here, and wait for something that might never happen. Rhys can find me.”
“About that. I was thinking you could stay on with us, taking care of Micah.”
“I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”
“Yeah, probably not. I mean, we both know we wouldn’t do anything, but other people might think we are, and if that got back to Seri before I can find her and fix things…”
“Exactly. I don’t want Rhys thinking anything either.”
“After the way you’ve been coming at me when I fight with him, I’m fairly certain he knows you’re not interested in me.”
“True, but it’s still best for me to leave your employment.”
“I’m sure we can find something for you at C&C.”
“Reina already offered me a job, so I’m good.”
“Okay, cool. Is she giving you a C&C apartment? The house is kind of a mess right now, but the guesthouses seem to be in good condition. You’re welcome to stay in one of them.”
“She did offer me an apartment, but thanks.” I place a hand on his forearm, because he needs help, whether he wants it or not. “I want to help you in any way I can with Seri. I can look for her, or talk to her, or whatever else you think might help.”
He runs a hand through his hair, and looks to the sky for answers. “I
’m not sure what I need yet. I have to find her, though. Nothing’s going to stop me when it comes to her.”
“Good.”
“I believe he’ll come back to you as well. He knows what he has, and he’s not stupid enough to lose you for good.”
“He’s not stupid at all, but he’s hurting, and he thinks he’s bad for me. Those two on their own would be a bad combination, but with that guy you dealt with thrown in, it’s nuclear. All I’m hoping for now is that he’s safe.”
“He is.”
Wait, what? “How do you know that?”
“He left his passport here when he ran, and I had to get it for him so he could go home.”
“Home? He’s coming with us?”
X shakes his head. “No, he’s already gone.”
“And no one thought I needed to know this?”
“He asked us not to tell you,” Rhieve says, coming down the stairs to the grass. “He has a good reason for it, though.”
“Let me guess—you can’t tell me the reason.”
“No.”
“I’m trying here, Rhieve. I said I wouldn’t run, and I won’t, but I also won’t compromise myself. Your brother fucked me, insulted me, and then ran.”
“Just please give him a little time. Please.”
“I’ll give him time. Not forever, but some time.”
“Thank you.”
She walks away, and I slump down onto the ground. “Did I make a mistake?”
“No. Anyone can see how much he loves you.”
“What if that’s not enough?”
“We’re going to have to hope it will be. For Rhys, and for Seri.”
He’s right. Things have gone badly for both of us, and all we have left is love. Ours—and theirs. It has to be enough, because I didn’t get Rhys back just to lose him, and X, well if he loses Seri for good, I don’t know how any of us will survive the meltdown he’ll have. So yes, we’re going to hope that love will be enough.
Defiant Company (Company Men Book 5) Page 7