“No,” she said quickly. “They’ve been much better lately.”
“Jay’s been good for her on a lot of levels,” Hank agreed. “The pressroom still isn’t her natural habitat, but she’s learning to sidestep well enough to avoid the traps and snares.”
They wound through the stands and waited patiently to be checked through security before being allowed entry into the restricted area. By the time they finally arrived outside the locker rooms, Destiny had freshened up and met them with a huge grin and equally big hugs.
“Great work out there. Those two aces in the second set broke their backs.” Hank lifted her off the ground as he squeezed. Then, setting her down, he turned right back to work mode. “You’ll face Harris and Cruz tomorrow. I want to go over a few videos of Harris’s serve tonight because she’s a lefty, so I expect they’ll want her to match up against you as much as possible to try to neutralize your power and make Jay play the finesse game against Cruz’s slice.”
“Hank!” Sadie scolded. “They haven’t even finished their press conference for this match. Do we really need to strategize for the next one right here?”
He mumbled something that sounded like “short turnaround,” but after she raised her eyebrows at him mom-style, he nodded. “Right. Go on in there and talk about your brilliance.”
“Just waiting on Jay,” Destiny said. “She hopped in the shower.”
“Oh Lord,” Hank groaned. “We’re at the French Open, not a day spa. She needs to stay on schedule.”
“I’m sure it’ll be fine,” Sadie said.
“Jay has never taken a short shower in her life.” Hank put his hand on the locker room door, dwarfing the knob. “I’m going to get her.”
“No,” Sadie protested. “You can’t go into the women’s locker room.”
“Fine. You get her then.”
Sadie froze as memories of other locker room encounters with Jay flashed through her mind. Jay in a towel, Jay pushing her away, Jay’s face in her hands.
“Mom?” Destiny asked.
“Hmm?”
“You okay? You look a little lightheaded.”
She felt a little lightheaded, too, but she didn’t want to explain why. “No, I’m fine. Just coming down from your exciting match. I may need to call it an early night.”
“Then go call Jay to the pressroom so we can go home,” Hank said matter-of-factly.
“I’ll go,” Destiny said quickly, her eyes wide with worry.
“Don’t be silly.” Sadie pushed open the door. “You’ve got to get in there, too. I’ll be right back.”
Before they could argue further, she let the door close quickly behind her. Taking a deep breath, she plowed forward past a group of attendants between two tall rows of wooden lockers. She threaded her way around some junior players giggling over something on a cell phone and skirted a wall filled with TVs showing various matches taking place across the grounds. She told herself that no one paid her any attention, because she wasn’t doing anything out of the ordinary. She just needed to tell a player to get to the pressroom. Happened all the time. There was no need for her heart to start beating all the way up in her throat.
She could do this. She could face Jay with the same polite professionalism with which Jay had faced her over the last two weeks. The fact that they were seeing each other for the first time without Des or Hank shouldn’t change anything. The fact that Jay might be naked with hot water sluicing across her tight muscles shouldn’t change anything either. But that didn’t keep Sadie’s stride from faltering as she neared the showers.
She stopped right on the line where concrete met tile and called out, “Jay, are you in here?”
“Who?” an unfamiliar voice asked.
“Jay,” Sadie called, a little louder. “Jay Pierce.”
“Hey,” someone said softly behind her, causing her to jump.
“Sorry,” Jay said, with a crooked smile that caused Sadie’s breath to catch in her chest. Jay stood a few feet away, her back against one of the banks of oak-paneled lockers. She wore low-slung jeans with a plain black V-neck sweater and held a white towel to the ends of her damp hair. “Didn’t mean to startle you.”
For a moment Sadie could only stare. She’d spent so much energy bracing herself to see Jay half-dressed, she hadn’t prepared herself to simply see her casual beauty.
Jay lowered the towel. “What’s wrong?”
Sadie sighed. “Why do people keep asking me that?”
“Sorry,” Jay said again.
“No, it’s fine. Just . . . you have a press conference.”
“I know.”
“Well, good.” Sadie looked down at the floor, only to notice Jay was barefoot. For some reason that felt intimate, and Sadie’s eyes shot up to the ceiling. God, this wasn’t even a serious test. Why couldn’t she just look Jay in the eye?
“I’ll be right out,” Jay said, turning back to the locker.
“I will too,” Sadie said as she turned to go, then added, “I mean, I’ll be in the press conference.”
“Of course you will,” Jay said, a hint of frustration in her voice.
Sadie froze. “Excuse me?”
“Of course you’ll be in the press conference,” Jay said flatly, “just like you’re at the matches and at the practices.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Sadie asked, her ribs squeezing her lungs.
“Just what I said.” Jay sat down on a wooden bench and pulled on a fresh pair of black socks. “I didn’t mean any offense. I just meant, you’re all over the place.”
Sadie’s throat tightened with emotion at the unspoken parts of the comments. Jay didn’t want her there. The admission shouldn’t have surprised her given the way Jay had avoided her since the kiss, but it still hurt.
Even if they couldn’t share in the passion they’d exchanged the night of the kiss, Sadie had held out some hope that once the awkwardness wore off they could go back to being friends. Up until two weeks ago, she would’ve sworn Jay liked her on a fundamental level, and she’d enjoyed having someone to travel with, to talk to, and to confide in. Had she really been such a terrible kisser to undo that connection entirely? Or had the kiss itself been such a grievous offense that it couldn’t be overcome?
“I’m sorry if my presence is a burden for you.”
Jay pulled on a pair of red high-top sneakers and didn’t bother to lace them up before standing. “I didn’t mean that. I just meant . . . I don’t know. I guess I just meant, of course you’ll be around. It’s what you do. You’re a tennis mom.”
Tennis mom.
Jay had used the term with such affectionate teasing early on. Sadie hadn’t realized it could also be derisive. Which version did Jay pin on her? And was that the reason she’d been so withdrawn? Sadie was a tennis mom, and Jay was a tennis star. Was that reason enough to keep her from wanting to explore their attraction? Jay had alluded to her own reputation more than once. Did she fear Sadie would bring down her social stock? She wouldn’t have thought Jay capable of such shallow thinking two weeks ago, but after facing her cold shoulder and now her dismissive remarks, she wondered if the Jay she’d let herself fall for was the real Jay, or if the pressure of the last few weeks had revealed her true nature.
Sadie was still pondering the question after the press conference when they got back to the hotel. She hadn’t heard a word anyone had said. She was too hurt and confused to focus. She supposed everything had gone well because Destiny was still smiling, but she felt guilty for zoning out. This was the biggest tournament of her daughter’s life so far, and she’d spent the last forty-five minutes in a haze, trying to figure out what she should do about Jay.
“Can we just order room service while we go over video tonight?” Des asked. “I don’t want to put on real pants.”
“I vote for that option,” Hank said quickly. “Can you get pizza in Paris?”
Sadie’s stomach roiled at the thought of putting food into it. “Would you two mind doi
ng the video in one of your rooms tonight? I’m wiped out.”
“Are you okay?” Des put her hand on Sadie’s forehead like Sadie had used to do for her when she was little. “Are you getting sick?”
The tenderness of her concern almost caused Sadie’s emotional dam to burst, but she forced the tears not to fall just yet and said, “I’m fine. I think the travel and excitement have finally caught up with me though. Would you mind terribly if I went to bed early?”
“No, of course not,” Des said.
“You’ve earned more than a few nights off,” Hank agreed. “And tomorrow’s another big day followed by more sponsor events in the evening. Go get all the sleep you can while you’ve got the chance.”
“Thank you,” she said, as the relief threatened to buckle her knees. “I’m sure a solid ten hours of shut-eye will fix me right up.”
Destiny hugged her extra tightly but didn’t press for more, and she ducked into her room as quickly as possible to hide the tears that wouldn’t be held at bay any longer.
Dropping her purse on the table, she kicked off her shoes and collapsed onto the bed. She hadn’t been lying when she’d claimed exhaustion. She was weary almost to the point of collapse, but the cause wasn’t physical. After weeks of trying desperately to understand and respect Jay’s boundaries, then make peace with the new disconnect between them, and now battle her own hurt and confusion at Jay’s apparent distaste for her, she didn’t know how much longer she could go on alone. And yet she couldn’t burden Destiny or Hank with such a trivial matter amid a major tournament. Her love life, or lack thereof, and subsequent loneliness shouldn’t rank on their radar right now. Honestly, those issues shouldn’t be on hers, either. They never had been before. She didn’t need anyone else in her life. She was a strong, independent woman.
A knock on the door interrupted her internal pep talk. She hopped up and quickly wiped her tears, for fear Destiny would notice and worry. “Hey, what did—” Her question died at the sight of Jay standing in the doorway, and all the consequent memories rushing back to her.
“You thought I was Des again?” Jay’s mouth twisted into something that didn’t quite qualify as a smile.
“I guess I’d better learn to use the peephole if I want to stop opening my door to strangers.”
“Ouch,” Jay said, her cheeks reddening slightly. “Stranger. All right then. Fair enough.”
“Really?” Myriad emotions warred for prominence within her. “Fair? Is it?”
Jay shifted awkwardly from one foot to the other. “So, I take it Destiny’s not here?”
Sadie snorted at the quick redirect. “She and Hank are going to study video in her room tonight.”
“Oh. Change of plans.” Then with a grimace, she added, “I suppose I’ll see you there?”
“No,” Sadie said, anger rising up as the winner of the emotional tug of war. “You won’t. I hope you’re relieved, but I need a night off from all of this.”
“All of this,” Jay repeated.
“Everything,” Sadie managed to say. She knew she hadn’t actually conveyed any new information, but she didn’t know what to call the problems weighing on her right now, and honestly that was a huge part of the problem. “Whatever happened between us, or whatever’s happened since then. Whatever I did to offend you so badly that you now feel the need to treat me like some social pariah.”
“Sadie,” Jay said softly.
“No, don’t say my name like you know me, like you care about me.”
“I do,” Jay mumbled, still staring at her feet.
“You don’t. You don’t want me, or you don’t want me bad enough to deal with whatever it is you don’t want to deal with, and that’s fine. I’ve been rejected before, by more people than you can even imagine, but I cannot, for the life of me, understand why you can’t stand to even look me in the eye anymore.” Her voice cracked, but the words were rushing out now, and she couldn’t stop. “Maybe you don’t want to be seen with a tennis mom. Maybe I embarrass you, the way I sometimes embarrass Des.”
“No,” Jay said.
“Or maybe I’m not your type. I’m sure younger, fitter, skinnier, prettier women throw themselves at you all the time. Maybe I made a fool of myself by thinking you were attracted to me.”
“Sadie—”
“Or maybe you don’t want to risk your career on someone like me, someone who doesn’t have much of a life or a future of her own. I’m just a tennis mom— where’s the excitement there?”
“You’ve got this all wrong,” Jay pleaded.
“Maybe I do,” Sadie shot back. “Maybe I don’t understand you. I don’t understand the world you live in. I’m trying to figure it all out, and I thought you were someone I could trust to help me, to be honest with me. Do you have any idea how bad it hurts to find out I was wrong? That you don’t even like to be around me?”
Jay shook her head, but made no attempt at either an excuse or an explanation.
Sadie threw up her hands. “Just go. You’re obviously not going to tell me what I did, so the least you can do is let me face my embarrassment in peace.”
Jay opened her mouth as if she finally had something to say, but Sadie had passed the point where she cared to hear it, and slammed the door in her face.
★ ★ ★
Jay stepped back as the door nearly struck her in the open mouth. She stood blinking at the solid slate of wood, trying to figure out what had just happened. She’d gotten told off, that was for sure. She deserved it. Sadie’s assertions about her shitty comments were on point, and she’d had every right to say them. Jay’d also been let off the hook socially, which probably should’ve pleased her. Sadie didn’t want to talk to her anymore. That should help with the temptation to slip and end up in another lip-lock. She’d struggled all week to keep her distance emotionally and physically, and she hadn’t always trusted her own resolve, but Sadie’s now seemed so much stronger.
Sadie’s fortitude also seemed laced with sadness though, and that’s why Jay couldn’t force her feet to move backward. Or to the side. Or anywhere, really, because where they really ached to go was through the door blocking her way. No matter how convenient it might be to let Sadie hold onto her anger, Jay couldn’t walk away without soothing the pain she’d seen behind it. She’d known as soon as she’d seen her that Sadie had been crying. Then all of her pain spilled out in a million different theories as to why Jay had pulled away, and none of them had come anywhere near the truth. Instead of placing the blame on Jay’s shoulders where it belonged, Sadie had assumed she’d done something wrong or, even worse, that she was somehow deficient.
It was ultimately that last point that made Jay knock again.
“Go away,” Sadie said, her voice sounding as though she hadn’t moved any farther from the door than Jay had.
“Can’t we talk?”
No answer.
She knocked again. “Please.”
She thought she heard Sadie moving around, but she didn’t open the door, so Jay knocked again, and called, “Housekeeping.”
Sadie sighed. “Jay, just leave.”
“Oh sure, now you use the peephole,” Jay said, then rested her forehead on the door. “I’m sorry, Sadie.”
“You should be,” Sadie called, “but I deserve more than that.”
“I agree. You deserve so much better than me. That’s what I wanted to explain.” She let out a shuddering breath. “I’m not good, Sadie. I didn’t want you to end up like, like . . . can I please come in?”
She waited what seemed like an eternity, with her heart clenched painfully in her chest, but just when her hopes had started to sink, she heard the metallic click of a lock turning. Sadie opened the door just a crack.
“I shouldn’t do this,” Sadie said.
“You really shouldn’t,” Jay agreed. “I have nothing good to offer you.”
“How about an explanation? Can you offer me that?”
Jay couldn’t find the words right away, but
she knew she would have to, so she nodded.
Sadie swung the door open wide. “All right then.”
The relief surging through her at Sadie’s guarded welcome was followed quickly by a sense of dread that made each step feel like a thousand. The room seemed stiflingly small and hot, or maybe that was her own skin. God, where was she even going to start? Maybe she should tell Sadie to just Google her. That would probably get the job done. She’d get the bare bones of the story and then enough conjecture to keep her away for a lifetime. What she wouldn’t get was much of the truth. Not that the truth had ever mattered to anyone, but for some reason she wanted desperately for it to matter to Sadie. Maybe that’s what scared her most right now. Sadie’s opinion mattered more than anyone’s had for years.
“Well,” Sadie prodded, folding her arms across her chest in a way that accentuated the hint of cleavage visible beneath her red V-neck T-shirt. Jay stared for a second, then smiled at the realization she’d been distracted by Sadie’s figure at a moment like this. Then she chuckled.
“What’s funny?” Sadie did not sound amused.
“I was just trying to figure out where to start, and I lost of my train of thought because you’re so damn beautiful.”
Sadie’s lips parted in surprise.
“And I figure that’s as good a place to start as any when it comes to clearing up a few misunderstandings, because I am attracted to you. You are exactly my type. Kissing you was the most wonderfully fulfilling thing I have done in years, and whatever concerns you have about not exciting me, or not stacking up to some image you have in your mind, just lay them to rest right now, because you’re the first woman I’ve let touch me in roughly five years.”
“What?” Sadie asked. “I mean, why? You are . . . well look at you. You’re stunning, and you’re fit, and you’re funny. You’re a professional athlete, and you have everything going for you that goes with that.”
“Yeah, and not everything that goes with that is a good thing. Some of it’s actually pretty horrible, and some of it leads to people getting hurt.” Her voice cracked. “Some of it leads to me getting hurt, and maybe I could take that, but I wanted to do better this time. I wanted to do better for you.”
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