Love All

by Spangler, Rachel;

  “I didn’t know that,” Tad said, his voice laced with sadness.

  She felt another flash of guilt, knowing it wasn’t his fault he’d missed out on knowing such mundane details about his own daughter. He’d asked for so little and given her so much. And Sadie loved him in a way, she really did, but not the same way Des did, and not the way she loved Jay, and she didn’t want any of them sharing a room.

  “Really, I don’t mind commuting,” he reiterated, “and I’ve certainly slept in worse places than the Union Jack hotel.”

  “No,” Des said firmly. “This is my first pro event you’ve ever been to. It’s important to spend time together, and I don’t want to be worried about you coming back and forth every day. There has to be a way.”

  “I suppose,” Sadie said slowly, then sighed heavily for extra effect, “if Jay doesn’t mind, I could bunk in with her.”

  Jay’s gasp sucked the end of a thick-cut French fry into her mouth, and then promptly coughed it back out. Destiny’s reaction wasn’t nearly as dramatic, but her expression rapidly shifted through a series of emotions from surprise, to frustration, to displeasure, and right back to frustration. Her dark eyebrows knit together, but so did her lips, as she held her objections in check.

  Tad’s blue eyes swiveled from one of them to the other, his baby face still open and patient.

  “It makes the most sense,” Sadie said. “I’m not training or competing, and I sleep like a log no matter where I am, so your snoring or odd hours won’t matter, but it’s not my choice to make. I don’t mean to put you on the spot, Jay, but would you mind terribly? I promise to be as . . . unobtrusive as possible.”

  “Um, well, I mean, I’m not sure how much sleep you’ll get with me in the room.” Jay’s face colored slightly, but she didn’t crack a smile as she pretended to study her food and carefully consider the proposition. “But I guess if that doesn’t bother you, it won’t bother me.”

  Trying to keep the excitement stirring in her now from showing, Sadie glanced from Tad to Hank and then eventually to Destiny. No one seemed particularly thrilled with the plan, likely for different reasons, but since none of them spoke up with a better solution, she nodded resolutely. “Okay then, we’ll have to make it work.”

  ★ ★ ★

  “We’ll have to make it work.” Jay did a breathless imitation of Sadie as she held her body up against the wall and thrust two fingers into her. “I didn’t know you meant you’d make me work this hard.”

  “You complaining?” Sadie asked, but before Jay could answer, she kissed her hard. Their tongues danced in and out as hot breath escaped to run across flushed skin.

  When they finally broke for air, Jay managed to growl, “No complaints.” Then with each push deeper she added, “Not . . . a . . . single . . . one.”

  Sadie’s whole body seemed to coil around Jay from the inside out. The strain of the physically strenuous position mingled with the thrill of anticipation caused Jay to sway, so she leaned the entirety of her body into Sadie’s voluptuous curves, pinning them both against the wall. Sadie dropped her forehead against the tight mass of muscle along Jay’s shoulder, giving it a sharp bite before exclaiming, “Heaven have mercy, you’re too good at this.”

  “And you’re a genius,” Jay panted, as she once again marveled at Sadie’s quick thinking during dinner. “I can’t believe I get to do this every night.”

  Sadie sucked in a sharp breath, as if the mental image of things to come helped carry her closer to oblivion. “I want that, Jay. Every night. I want you.”

  “Good,” Jay shot back, the desire lancing through her stomach, “because I need you.”

  “I . . . I . . . Jay . . .”

  “Come on,” Jay rasped in her ear, drunk with power and passion. As she pushed her thumb firmly against the pulsing center of Sadie’s need, she coaxed her on. “Tell me, baby.”

  Sadie’s body stiffened and she threw back her head as she shouted, “I love you.”

  The words rolled out of her with all the force of the release Jay had triggered.

  The shudders subsided in silence, and the growing awareness of what she’d said seemed to hit Sadie like a powerful aftershock. She straightened, flattening herself against the wall as she groaned. “I said that out loud, didn’t I?”

  Jay eased back, slowly disentangling her legs from between Sadie’s, then with one arm wrapped around her waist, eased them back toward the bed. “You did.”

  “Does that make you uncomfortable?”

  “I suppose that depends,” she answered slowly, as she perched on the edge of the mattress. “Was it one of those things that just came out in the moment, like a random exclamation, or something that’s been on your mind before now?”

  Sadie’s dark eyes searched her own, as if seeking guidance or some sort of clue as to which option Jay preferred, but Jay kept her expression as neutral as possible. She knew the risks of taking the words of a moment to heart, and she also understood that her own hopes and desires could too easily color the intentions of another person. She desperately needed Sadie’s answer to be her own, independent of pressure or circumstance.

  “I’ve been thinking it ever since dinner,” Sadie said, then with a heavy sigh added, “I’m sorry if that’s too fast, or too much, or not romantic enough. It’s not something I was ready to feel or not feel, or something I gave a lot of thought to when and how I’m supposed to say it. I don’t know if I should’ve waited for you to say it first, but it’s not like I can unsay it now, and I’m not sure if I want to, or if you want me to . . .”

  “I don’t,” Jay said, a smile starting in her chest and curling its way up to her lips. “I don’t want you to unsay it.” Then giving a gentle squeeze, she pulled Sadie into the space between her knees. “If you really mean it.”

  Sadie cupped Jay’s face in her hands and tilted it up until their eyes met. “I do mean it.”

  Jay’s throat constricted with the same emotions that caused her eyes to water. “I mean it too.”

  Sadie raised an eyebrow, and Jay realized she wouldn’t get away with a half-declaration. She’d have to say the words, and despite all the fear and pain that had held her in check for so long, sitting there cradled in the caring caress of Sadie’s steady hands, she realized she didn’t want to hold back. “I love you too, Sadie. I might be stupid or crazy, but I can’t help it. And it’s not like I didn’t fight. I struggled and denied and tried to run, but I started falling the first time I saw you, and I haven’t stopped since.”

  “This can’t be my life.” Sadie’s brown eyes sparkled and danced in the dim light as she shook her head. “How is that even possible? How can you say something like that about someone like me?”

  Jay laughed and in one swift motion pulled Sadie’s naked body onto the bed, then straddled her waist and stared down at her breathtaking beauty. “What do you mean, someone like you? Someone stunningly beautiful? Someone who makes my heart beat faster than playing a third-set tie-break? Someone who makes me feel like I can face any foe, on or off court, and win? Someone who’s singlehandedly bucked stereotypes and social norms with more strength and grace and fortitude and—”

  Sadie surged up off the bed and captured her mouth in a searing kiss that stopped Jay’s monologue, but not her train of thought. She mentally added the way Sadie’s soft body molded against her hard, flat planes to the growing list of reasons she loved this woman.

  Sadie eased back, pulling Jay down on top of her as the kiss turned slow and languid. Her muscle tension melted away, and her limbs grew heavy with contentment. She marveled once again at the ease with which Sadie could arouse her and comfort her all at once.

  Breaking the kiss and rolling onto her side, she dragged the comforter over them both and murmured, “You’re perfect.”

  “You’re perfect. You’re always perfect, you know that?”

  She snorted softly as Sadie snuggled closer.

  “You are,” Sadie reiterated. “I kept thinking all t
hrough dinner how magnificent you are.”

  “Me? I think you mean Tad,” Jay said, a little flash of insecurity trying to work its way through their postcoital haze. Knowing that Sadie had chosen her helped to stem the feelings, but the decision hardly seemed logical.

  “No,” Sadie said quickly. “I mean you, and I know you both pretty well.”

  “Thank you for not saying you know us both intimately.”

  “That too, but I meant more than knowing you both in the biblical sense. I’ve seen you both in a variety of different situations, seen how you face problems, how you carry yourselves, how you relate to the people you love and who love you.”

  “And?”

  “And while Tad is an amazing person, he’s almost too good to be real sometimes. It can be hard to be around such genuine valor constantly and not feel jaded or inferior.”

  “Right?” Jay laced her calloused fingers through Sadie’s softer ones. “Like I kept waiting for him to blow his top or say something shitty to the waiter, but the man just never slips up. He’s polite, and he defers to you and dotes on Des and, oh yeah, he’s a fucking war hero.”

  “He is,” Sadie said matter-of-factly. “He never pushed me to do anything out of my comfort zone. He never criticized or made demands. He never failed to support me one hundred percent, but— and here’s the big thing— he’s also never stirred my blood the way you do.”

  Jays heart rate revved again. “I win that category then?”

  “Hands down,” Sadie said, with a hint of laugher in her voice. “You win all the sexy categories, tens across the board, but more than that, you’re also passionate in a way that sweeps me off my feet and makes me forget myself in the most amazing ways. Normally when Tad’s in town, I’m a ball of tension.”

  “Why?”

  “Because he is so damn wonderful all the time, and Des adores him so much, and he is too good to me.”

  “Sure, sounds terrible.”

  “I know. I’m terrible. Most single mothers would kill for someone like Tad. Hell, most women would’ve married him when he asked and never let him go.”

  Jay remembered Sadie’s comments in Paris about passing up a proposal on the hope of something better. “When did he ask?”

  “The day I had Destiny, the day he enlisted. He said all the right things, he’d done the right things, and he wanted to keep doing everything right. I hurt him so badly by refusing him that chance, but I wasn’t in love with him.” A hint of anguish tinged her voice. “I’d known it all along, and I felt so guilty about leading him on. I tried to tell myself maybe I could love him someday. I did care about him, and he looked at me like no other person ever had, with eyes so blue. I’d never seen anything like his eyes until I looked into yours. I wanted to love him the way he loved me, and for a few months I thought I might be able to, but then Destiny was born.”

  “And that made you love him less?”

  “No, I don’t think I loved him less. I think it was just that once I felt the love I had for her, I finally knew for sure what real love felt like, and the way I felt about him paled in comparison.”

  “Oh.” Jay’s stomach tightened.

  “But more importantly, having Destiny changed the way I thought of my love for him, made it more complicated. On some level it made me love him more deeply because without him I wouldn’t have Des, and I can see so many beautiful parts of her that come from him. She’s got his honor, his unwavering sense of right and wrong.”

  “She’s also got his chin cleft,” Jay mused, “which was strange to see. I’ve always thought of her as being a mini you. It felt weird to see that the little dimple came from someone else.”

  “Yes, it does!” Sadie said, the exclamation laced with relief. “Which is where the complicated part comes in. I love what he gave me in her, but at the same time, I also resented the reminder that Des wasn’t just mine. With him gone so much, it was easy to just believe Des was my baby only. I provided for her. I cared for her. I taught and comforted her. It’s always so jarring when he shows up after so much time to remind me that half of her came from someone else.”

  Sadie covered her eyes with her hands and blew out an exasperated breath. “I don’t want to share my grown daughter with her kind, patient, heroic father. Does that make me an awful person?”

  “No.” Jay wrapped an arm around her possessively. “You love her more than anything in the world, and there’s nothing wrong with loving someone like that.”

  “For so long I felt like maybe Des would just be the love of my life. Not all women get to have a grand romance, you know. I know so many people who grow old, lonely, and sad about what they didn’t have. I always felt blessed that we had our little family of two.” Sadie placed a soft kiss on her cheek and whispered, “Until you came along and made me greedy.”

  “Greedy?” Jay asked, not sure what the comment meant, but she certainly enjoyed the low tone in which it had been delivered.

  “Yes, now I want it all. I want my family, I want your body, I want Des to win all the tennis trophies, I want to wake up next to you every morning, and tonight at dinner, I realized that for the first time in my life, I actually got everything I wanted. You did that for me, Jay. You made me believe I could have it all, and I fell head over heart in love with you for it.”

  Jay’s throat tightened, and she held Sadie tightly, hoping her proximity would cause more of Sadie’s optimism to rub off on her. She wasn’t unfamiliar with the process Sadie had described. If she had the words or the emotional fortitude, she would tell her so. She’d say that Sadie had done the same for her. She’d tell her that, when they met, she’d closed off parts of her heart and her hopes. She’d given up on anything more than cementing her legacy as a solid tennis player, and even after setting the bar so low, she worried she might not clear the hurdle. Then Sadie had come along and had seen parts of her she’d hidden, even from herself. Sadie’d refused to accept the narrative written by the press and demanded that Jay show her who she really wanted to be. She’d made Jay believe that not only could she have something more in her life, but also that she deserved it.

  Jay’s heart thrummed with the desire to tell her all that, but the words wouldn’t come out through a knot of emotions clogging her throat, so instead she said the closest thing she could manage. “I love you too.”

  Sadie laid her palm flat on Jay’s stomach and hooked a leg possessively over her thigh. Then, with a contented sigh, she murmured, “That’s the best goodnight I’ve ever gotten.”

  Jay closed her eyes, content to stay ensconced in the utter perfection of the moment all night, but before she could drift off, her phone buzzed on the nightstand. She thought about ignoring it, but quickly realized that if someone was texting her, they probably wouldn’t stop at one message. She didn’t want to have to deal with interruptions all night. Grabbing the phone quickly, she lifted it to her face in the dim light, hoping only to switch the settings to nighttime mode, but Peggy’s text appeared on the front screen.

  “Got a sneak peek at the draw. You’ve got Des in the third round.”

  She stiffened slightly as she processed the news and raced through the implications. A sense of cold dread seeped into the haze of warmth she’d relished seconds earlier, and she fought to hold it at bay.

  There was no need to freak out. They were all professionals. They were bound to play each other eventually. They could separate singles from doubles. Plenty of friendships survived healthy competition every day, in their world. Besides, what happened between her and Des on the court didn’t have to affect her and Sadie. Her stomach clenched, as she wasn’t quite sure she believed that last part. She scrambled to find another thread as she powered down the phone completely and tossed it back onto the nightstand. She had no guarantee she and Des would both make it to the third round. She tried to make herself stick to that argument, but it must not have been working, because Sadie finally muttered, “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing.” She kissed the t
op of Sadie’s head and pulled her a little closer. “Just a tech alert. I’ll deal with it later.”

  Chapter Eleven

  “So, how many times did you end up in an actual battle?” Hank asked Tad, as they slipped into their seats in Destiny’s box on court two.

  Sadie slipped into her seat too, careful not to flash any of the TV cameras as she pulled her cream-colored skirt over her knees. Hank sort of flopped into his lightly padded green chair. Green, everything here was green, even Tad’s uniform today, and he did no slipping or flopping and instead stood ramrod straight as he surveyed the grass court. “Well, it depends on what you mean by battles. I participated in a few direct assaults on Baghdad early in the second Gulf War, but those were rare there, and almost unheard of during my time in Afghanistan. There, the fighting always seemed to sneak up on you. I can’t say I saw anything most people would consider glorious, mostly ambushed convoys, IEDs, that sort of thing.”

  Sadie closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. Part of her was thrilled Hank and Tad were getting on so well. It meant she didn’t feel obligated to entertain Tad or have to feel guilty for avoiding him, but today her nerves were already frayed, and she feared one more male bonding moment about war or tanks or macho games might cause something to snap.

  To be fair, Tad never glorified the fighting, but Hank was starting to sound a bit like a child with a mild case of hero worship. Between him and Des, she was subjected to a near constant fawning fest. And even after nearly a week, there’d been no sign of either of them wavering. All through breakfast this morning, they’d occupied themselves by asking him to list the meaning of every medal on his chest.

  She glanced down at the court as the crowd began to stir with increased anticipation. The ball boys and girls scurried about, looking sufficiently busy as officials paced purposefully and mumbled into walkie-talkies. She’d learned to recognize these little flourishes in activities as a subtle signal that the players were expected on court soon. Her stomach jittered like it might when a rollercoaster begins to click up the first big hill, and you realize there is no turning back. Why hadn’t she fully realized how hard this would be until right now? Probably because she’d found such lovely ways to distract herself all week.