Jess came back to my house and spent the night. Mom said it was okay. She was happy to see me with a friend again. She even came up and brought us cookies and milk. For real mom…? Cookies and milk, what are we five years old? The cookies were kind of good actually. Jess and I had the munchies.
We slept together in the same bed. I woke up in the middle of the night and Jess was touching my mouth with her fingertip. She started rubbing my boob and grinding on my leg. It felt nice. I still felt warm and fuzzy from the X. Jess had one more pill so we split it. I was so high I barely knew what I was doing. Everything Jess did to me felt so good. I never thought that I would be with another girl. It was different than the guys. She was soft and gentle. She touched me like a girl would want to be touched. She kissed me and her lips were so soft. She tasted so good. I wanted more.
Then she went down on me. I thought that maybe I had cum with the guys before, but it was never like this before. Jess drove me crazy. She did things to me that I didn’t even know were possible. I felt like it was wrong what we were doing, but it felt so good that I didn’t care. I didn’t want it to stop. After I came, Jess laid next to me and kissed me. I could taste myself on her lips and I liked it. I touched her bare boob. Her nipples were hard. I kissed her nipple and she moaned. I wanted her to feel as good as I had felt. I slid my fingers between her legs and she spread her legs and moaned even more. I kissed her then I moved my kisses across her breast and down to her stomach.
She trembled as my tongue touched her clit. She was wet and grinding on my mouth. I slid a finger inside her as I licked her clit and she started to cum. She moaned so loud that I thought my parents might hear her.
I never thought that I would like being with a girl. But it was different. She knew what felt good and what I wanted. I had no clue really what I was doing but she seemed to like it. It felt nice, kind, and gentle the way I thought sex would feel. Jess curled up next to me and we talked for hours. She’s been through a lot of shit in her life.
She confided in me. “I was raped by my uncle when I was ten years old. Ten years old for Christ’s sake. Who does that to a little child?” She shrugged. “After that, I didn’t really care. I started having sex with guys when I was twelve. I just did it because that’s what I thought I was supposed to do. It made guys happy and I wanted people to be happy.”
She smiled. “Then I met Dylan. He was the first guy who actually cared about me. He talks to me and wants me to be happy.” Then she winked at me. “He really likes the sex too.”
Jess is really sweet. She’s been through so much in her life. I’m glad that we’re friends.
Sept 17
It’s Friday and I talked Jess and Dylan into going to a movie tonight. My mom is so happy that I am hanging out again that she gave me a bunch of cash. She said to buy Dylan and Jess a pizza.
We smoked all the weed that Dylan had, and then went and saw a scary movie. It was awesome. We scrunched down in the seats and put our feet up and screamed like kids. It was a blast. Jess laughed so hard she almost peed her pants. I laughed so hard that I snorted. It felt great to laugh again. I felt like I was a kid again. I haven’t felt this way in a long time. Just young and free with no worries.
After the movie we scored some pillz from some guy that Dylan knew. We still had enough cash to get a pizza to take back to Dylan’s house. We cracked a couple of beers and scarfed down the pizza. We had the munchies in a bad way.
We made a plan to camp out at Dylan’s. His mom was out of town on business and Bob went fishing for the weekend. I told mom I was staying at Jess’s house. Jess said that her mom didn’t care so she didn’t even call her.
We each took a couple of the pillz and popped in a movie. Another scary one. We all curled up on the couch under a blanket and snuggled in. The movie was really good. The pillz were messing with our heads and everything looked like it was in 3D, but it wasn’t. I tried to go to the bathroom and everything kept moving on me. I tried to open the door handle and I had to reach for it three times before my hand found it. I think I peed on the floor a bit, but oops… I was having fun! I felt so weird. I put my hands up in front of my face and could make strange designs. Like my hands were in slow motion. It was soooo strange.
By the time I got back to the couch Jess and Dylan were passed out. They looked so cute all snuggled in together. I thought about scaring them, but that wouldn’t be nice… so I just snuggled in with them. I tried to watch the rest of the movie but I eventually passed out.
The next thing I remember was waking up and seeing some dude standing in front of me. I tried to focus but I was still pretty wasted. I heard him say, “I’ll take this one”. I looked over and Dylan was being held down by two guys who were punching him in the gut. Jess was still passed out. I tried to wake her up, but she just laid there. One guy said that he would take her cause she’s easy. The guy in front of me said, “I want this one. I want a fight.” Then he grabbed my hair and drug me down onto the floor.
I looked over and saw Bob standing there. He started kicking Dylan while he was on the ground. I told them to stop, but they all laughed. I pushed the guy who was holding me and said, “STOP, you’re hurting him!” The guy grabbed me and shoved me on the ground and said, “That’s nothing compared to what I’m gonna do to you!” He smiled at me and started unzipping his pants.
He pulled out his dick and shoved my mouth onto it. It was so gross. Old and saggy. He shoved it in my mouth and down my throat until it got big and hard. It was really big. It gagged me it was so big. He didn’t care, he just kept shoving it in my mouth until I puked. He didn’t even care. He just laughed at me and shoved it in again. I was eating my own vomit. I felt like I was in one of those horror movies we just watched. Like it wasn’t really happening to me. My mind just zoned out like I wasn’t there. He finally finished and I just laid there.
I looked over at Jess and she was on the floor next to me. Some guy was on top of her fucking her and she was still passed out. He had ripped all her clothes off and was fucking her hard. He looked over and saw me watching and he smiled at me and said, “You’re next!”
I tried to get up and run. He grabbed me and sucker punched my face. I could taste blood in my mouth as he ripped off what was left of my shirt. He smiled and joked to Bob, “This one might be too much of a struggle”. Then he pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed me to a chair.
He stretched out my body with my arms way above my head. I started to thrash around. There was no way I was letting this guy fuck me. I started yelling NO! and they all laughed at me and mocked me. Then I yelled for Dylan to help us. I looked around trying to find Dylan. He was on the other side of the room. One guy was holding him down while another guy was fucking him in the ass. He kept his head down and never looked at me. I could hear him say, “I’m sorry.”
It was then that two of them descended on me. One started shoving his dick in my mouth and one started fucking me hard. I was so mad that I tried to bite it off, but it was shoved so far down my throat and I couldn’t bite down on it. As hard as I tried I couldn’t. He had it shoved so far down my throat that I couldn’t breathe. I was choking. I remember gasping for air. I felt like I was dying. That was the last thing I remember. I must have blacked out.
I woke up to a guy pissing in my face and laughing. He uncuffed my hands and told me thanks. Then he shoved money in my mouth and he left. Jess was still passed out. Dylan was trying to wake her up. He looked over at me with tears streaming down his face and said, “What do we do?”
I got up to help him. We took her to the shower and all three sat under the cold water beating down on us. Dylan cradled her like a baby and cried, “Please Jess come back to me. I love you so much.”
I started crying too. I thought that Jess might actually die. How could this be happening? I have never been so scared in my entire life.
Finally, Jess started to wake up. She was still really out of it but she was awake. She didn’t know what had happened. Dylan looked
at me and shook his head like we shouldn’t tell her.
We helped Jess out of the shower and got her a towel. I got one for me and Dylan too. When I handed the towel to Dylan he said thanks and asked me to hold Jess up for a minute. He wrapped a towel around him and when he did I could see a lot of blood on his butt. That guy must have ripped him open. I asked him if he was okay and he said that he was fine. That we needed to focus on Jess. We helped her to the bed and she plopped down. She was in and out of it, but she was okay.
Dylan said that they wouldn’t be back tonight, but just to be sure he locked his door. Dylan laid on one side of Jess and I laid on the other. She was really out of it. I tried to talk to Dylan but he said that he didn’t want to talk about it and to just let it go.
I woke up before Dylan and Jess. I found my clothes and tried to put them on. My shirt was ripped to shreds. I grabbed one of Dylan’s shirts and walked home.
No one was up yet at my house, so I took a shower and went back to bed. I was sore, and sick, and confused. I didn’t really know what all had happened but I knew that it was bad. I don’t know what to do. How can I tell my mom about this?
I feel like I am a piece of garbage. I feel sick, on the inside. I feel like I want to punch someone hard in the face. I want them to feel the same pain that I feel. Why did they do that to us? We were just having fun. We never hurt anyone. Why did they have to hurt us?
Chapter 5
~Pain is good~
Sept 18
It’s Saturday. I just woke up and it’s almost 2pm. Mom said that my brother Jake is coming home tonight. I’m so excited to see him. I haven’t seen him in a couple of months. He is such a cool brother. Maybe he can get us some beer or something. I can’t wait to see him.
Jess just called me and was joking about how sore she was. She actually said that Dylan must have rode her really hard last night. I didn’t say anything about it. Maybe it was better that she didn’t know what happened.
She asked me what was wrong and I told her I didn’t feel good. I told her that Jake was coming home and I was gonna hang here tonight with the fam. She said she’d call me tomorrow and told me thanks for being such a good friend to her and Dylan.
I didn’t have the heart to tell her anything. I couldn’t tell her about what happened last night. What happened to Dylan. What happened to us. I just felt sick. I was mad at Dylan but I couldn’t be mad at him really. It wasn’t his fault and he got it too. I just wanted to be mad at someone. I feel so dirty and gross and evil. I feel like I am rotten on the inside and the shell on the outside hasn’t started to rot yet, so no one can see it.
I looked at myself in the mirror. I look like hell. I have huge circles under my eyes. I’m losing weight; must be from the pillz. I just want to sleep all the time. I always feel sooooo tired.
I took another shower to try to feel clean. It didn’t work but while I was in there I cut myself shaving. It was an accident at first but then it felt really good. I have no way to release this anger inside me, so I cut myself. I cut my leg. It felt really good. I could feel the pain. I could see the pain on the outside and it felt like it was being released from inside my body.
Pain reminds us that we’re human right? Sometimes I don’t want to be human. It really hurts.
Sept 19
Jake is here… my big bro. He looks awesome. He’s almost done with college and out on his own. I can’t wait to be where he is. I want out of here so bad. Out of this school, this town and this damn house. Free…
Jake and I went to the store to get shit for dinner. He said that I looked different. I broke down and told him that I had sex. He is so cool to talk to. He’s such a good big brother and told me to be safe about it. He even bought me a pack of condoms at the store.
I hadn’t used one yet and I was fine so I really didn’t see the big deal but I told him that I would use them. We talked about Ben and he said that if Ben was stupid enough to let me go then it was his loss and I should look for a new guy. But I really like Ben. He is sweet and so damn cute. I just want to be with him. Jake just doesn’t get it. He’s old school.
I tried to tell Jake that this is just a phase that Ben was going through. And that I really believed that he would come back to me… eventually.
Honestly, I don’t know what I believe anymore. I try to tell myself all these things. But honestly, Ben will probably NEVER come back to me… and why should he. I’m used and abused. I’m nothing but trash now. Why would anyone want me? I don’t even want myself…
We had a nice dinner. The family was all back together again. They chatted about college and politics and current events. I could care less. I just sat there and picked at my food. Mom thinks I’m getting sick. Maybe I am getting sick. I feel crappy. I’m going to bed.
Later…
Sept 20
I cut myself again before school today. I got up and everything just overwhelmed me. All the shit from the past few weeks and I couldn’t handle it. It felt so good to bleed. To see it, to feel the pain. It was almost like a drug to me. It gave me this rush and I liked it. I made me feel better. It was the only thing that made me feel better, except for Jess’s happy pillz. Maybe she would have one for me this morning so that I could get through the boring ass day at school… blah, blah blah… that’s all I hear them say. Blah, blah, blah… PLEASE GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!
Sept 22
Jess’s supply of pillz has dried up. We have no money to get more and I really really need some pillz. I just can’t handle these thoughts anymore. I can’t sleep at night without a pill. I wake up and feel their hands all over me and taste them in my mouth. I can’t handle it. I cut myself every day now. It’s all I have to release the pain I feel inside. I don’t know what else to do.
It’s like all the pain and pressure builds up inside of me and when I cut it releases. I can breathe again. I can relax. But then it just builds up again, waiting to be let out. If I don’t let it out, I think I might explode or something.
I don’t have to cut as much if I have my happy pillz. But without them… I just gotta get it out. The pillz numb the pain or something and help it go away so that I don’t have to cut. I need some pillz bad.
Hey, I just put my pants in the wash. I found a hundred bucks in the pocket. I remembered that guy shoving money in my mouth. I must have put it in my pants. I forgot about it. A HUNDRED FEAKING BUCKS!!!! This is awesome, now I can get some more pillz.
Halleluiah… I’m outta here…
Sept 25
Jess got me enough pillz to last me quite a while. Whenever the thoughts and memories start creeping back into my head, I just take a pretty little pill and poof, away they go. I still can’t sleep very good at night. I find myself sleeping in class a lot. My stupid ass teachers are yelling at me and giving me detentions. I don’t really care. I could give a shit about biology or algebra. I will never use this shit in my life…. Who the fuck cares????? They can all go to hell.
I cut myself pretty deep today. The pain felt really good but I couldn’t get it to stop bleeding. There was no way in hell I was gonna get my mom to help me. She would freak the hell out! Mom and Larry seem to fight all the time anymore. I just try to stay away from them. Mom looks sad. She used to be pretty happy. I think she’s worried about me, but she just needs to mind her own business and let me live my own life. I’m fine.
It quit bleeding eventually. I put one of those butterfly bandages on it and that helped. I probably need a couple of stitches. I just don’t give a flying fuck. I’m going to Dylans. I need some weed.
I can’t stand being in this house. All the stares. All the questions. All the fucking chit chat. Shut the fuck up people. Can’t I just live in peace. I wear my headphones all the time when I’m at home and play my music really loud. I act like I don’t hear them talking to me. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it just makes them mad at me. I can never win with these people. They just don’t get it. I just want them to leave me alone.
Sept 29
&n
bsp; All that Dylan, Jess and I do anymore is get high. Ever since that night. We’re all kinda different. If Jess passes out, sometimes Dylan and me fuck. He’s pretty good. Jess doesn’t even get mad if she wakes up and catches us, she just joins in. We are like our own little threesome couple.
I don’t even really think about Ben much anymore. He is with Becca. I see them sometimes at school. All giggly and flirty. I could give a rat’s ass. Becca is a cheerleader, so Ben is trying to fit in with her crowd. He is so fucking preppy and fake now. I don’t even want him anymore. What did I see in him in the first place?
School sucks. I’m flunking everything. So far my parents haven’t seen a report card. I’ve intercepted them and hidden them away. I’ve always gotten good grades so they’ve never really monitored me much. I’m not sure what they’ll do when they find out. Yeah, I’ll be up shit creek for sure. But fuck em… I just don’t care. Tomorrow Dylan, Jess and me are gonna skip school. We’re going to the city for the day. It will be awesome.
Sept 30
The city was so much fun. We finished off our pillz and walked around looking at the skyscrapers. I love the city. Everything moves so fast there. The people are all on a mission. And everyone fits in. No one looks at you strange if you look or act different. Everyone fits in, in the city. I want to live there so bad. Maybe Jess, Dylan and me can get a place there. School sucks, we could just drop out and get on with our lives. Get jobs and live life out loud! I would LOVE that!
We went to the park and just chilled for hours. We laid on our backs and watched the clouds swirl around. We saw silly animals and shapes in the clouds just like when we were kids. It was an awesome day.
Candi Page 5