Oct 5
I’m outta pillz. I am cutting myself all the time. I just can’t take it. I can’t take being inside my own head. I can’t stand my own thoughts. I just want silence. I want it all to go the fuck away and leave me the hell alone. Please… LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!
Oct 6
Jess knows a guy where we can get some pillz. I stole twenty bucks from my mom’s purse. I need some pillz. They last longer than the weed and I can take them anytime. Yeah, the guy said that I could get like 3 pillz for twenty bucks. But he said that he’d give me 10 pillz for twenty bucks if I gave him a blow job. It was just a blow job. And he had a small dick so it didn’t even gag me. He came pretty fast so it was over with and I got my pillz. He made me swallow his jizz though. I hate that. It tastes so gross.
We went back to Dylan’s and I washed the taste out of my mouth with a beer. I took and pill and chilled on the couch. Dylan grabbed some of his folks weed and we burned a bowl. It felt great. Jess passed out again and Dylan told me that the blow job I gave that guy looked mighty nice. I was high and in a good mood, so I sucked him and fucked him. It was nice to feel touched by someone that actually cared about me.
Dylan laid down next to me and he told me that he loved me. It kind of shocked me. I asked him what about Jess and he said that he loved her too. He loved us both. I never had a guy tell me he really loved me before. Ben said it, but that was just to try to get in my pants. He never said it after we fucked like Dylan did. I knew that Dylan meant it.
We have been through a lot of shit together and he was always there for me. He knew me like no one else knew me. I told him that I loved him too then he fucked me again. This time slower and he looked me in the eyes like a real boyfriend. It was really nice.
Oct 12
Well, the shit is hitting the fan. My parents found out about my grades. I am grounded for like ever mom says. They are saying that I might get held back and have to take classes over again. This sucks… luckily I have some pillz stashed away so I can get through this. Jess just called and we are skipping school tomorrow. What does it matter, I am flunking anyway… it can’t get any worse than that. I can just take the rest of the year off, right?
I am having problems finding places to cut myself that my mom won’t see. I have used up all the good spots. Now I’m starting to re-cut old wounds. I don’t care. I like the way it feels. I wanna be numb on the inside. I just can’t. All these thoughts and memories keep haunting me. It keeps coming back in my dreams… day dreams and night dreams. Who am I anymore? I don’t even recognize myself and when I do, I don’t like myself so I try to block her out.
Get me out of this damn town! I hate it here. I feel people looking at me… at me and Dylan and Jess. Judging us, condemning us. What the fuck do they know about us? Fuck them… fuck them ALL!!!!!
Oct 25
Hi. I forget what day of the week it is. I forget where I am half the time. That guy is giving me pillz for blow jobs all the time now. I even let him fuck me a couple of times. I don’t care. I just want the pillz. I need the pillz. He has a little dick and he’s quick so what the hell. He’s fucked Jess a couple of times too. We just laugh when we leave. Then we get high and chill and enjoy life! It’s all worth it in the end.
Nov 15
Damn it! Bob got us again. We were passed out at Dylan’s and Bob came home early. He fucked Jess, then he fucked me. I didn’t really care. I was high. If you don’t fight him he won’t hurt you. I just let him have it. He was over and done and gone quick enough.
Bob’s an ass but it’s just sex. It’s not like it means anything, or that I love him. I hate him actually. I wish he were dead. But sometimes I wish I was dead too.
He gave us a six pack and some weed when he was done. Jess and I just sat around and made fun of him after he left. Fuck him… right? We’re better than that. Yeah, life is good. Good beer, good buzz, good friends… sweet!
Nov
I know it’s November… but I forget the day, sorry. Hey it’s getting pretty heavy here. Mom is freaking out at me all the time. I sneak out when I can. I hate to come home cause all she does is bitch at me. Okay so maybe I fucked up my life. It’s my damn life, leave me alone. Fuck them… they don’t know me. I’m not their little baby anymore. Leave me the hell alone.
Mom and Larry got into a big fight tonight. I heard Larry yelling at mom, “You need to get her under control.”
Mom yelled back, “She’s not your kid. Mind your own damn business.” She shoved him and he got really mad.
He grabbed her and slammed her head against the wall. I ran in and screamed at him to stop. He smacked me with the back of his hand across my face. He pointed at me and yelled, “This is all your fault. I hope you’re happy.”
I slid down onto the ground crying and holding my throbbing face. I watched him grab his things and storm out the door.
I didn’t know what to do. Mom cried for a long time. She hugged me. “I’m sorry, baby. I love you, but I can’t go through this again.”
I didn’t understand what she meant.
She looked me deep in the eye and said, “I think you’re old enough to know the truth. Your real dad used to hit me… a lot. He liked to beat the shit out of me. Almost killed me a couple of times. He’s in prison because of it.”
I never knew any of this. What was the big secret? Why did she think that she couldn’t tell me this? It would explain why my dad never comes to see me!
I yelled at her, “What other secrets are you keeping from me?”
She cried until she had mascara running down her face. She looked like such a mess. Why the hell was she my mom? Why did she lie to me? I don’t feel like I can trust her anymore. What else has she lied to me about? Everyone lies to everyone. Everyone hurts everyone. What the fuck???
I gotta go cut… I gotta get them out of my head. FUCK THEM ALL!!!!
Dec
Christmas is coming and guess what... I think I’m pregnant. I don’t know when I had my last period. What a Christmas present!
Jess said that sometimes you don’t have periods when you are high a lot like we are. I thought that was it, but my stomach’s starting to pooch out a little. I know that something’s wrong. I went and got one of those tests and it said that I am. Preggers… gonna be a mama… yeah right. That ain’t gonna happen. No way in hell!!!!!!
I don’t even know whose it is. Dylan? Ben? The needle dick with the pillz? Or it could even be Bob or his asshole friends? I don’t care, I just want it gone. I want it out of me… before my mom finds out. Oh God, what have I done. My life is such a mess. I want to get myself straightened out. I want to go to college. I don’t want to be a stoner all the time, fucking people for pillz. I want my life back.
I don’t want to end up like my mom, or Bob. I want to go far away from here and start my life over. I want to care about people again. I want to care about myself again. I want to laugh and smile and feel like I have something to live for. I miss me.
That sounds so strange, but I don’t even know who I am anymore. I miss me. I want to find me again. I know that I’m still in here somewhere, hidden under the pain and the dope and the bullshit.
I gotta get myself cleaned up. But what do I do about this kid? I gotta get rid of it. Even if I had the baby it would be all screwed up by the drugs and shit. It’s gotta be retarded in there. It just wouldn’t be right. I know it wouldn’t. What do I do? FUCK!!!!!! This sucks…
Christmas …
The whole family is together. They are all whispering and I know it’s about me. Jake flat out told me that I look like royal shit. I know that I do. I just don’t care. Why the fuck should I care? Should I look pretty so someone can just fuck me? Maybe if I look ugly and dirty then people will keep their hands off me! I gotta go cut. I need the release.
I bled pretty bad on that one. But it felt so good. I just don’t care. Like the song says, I bleed just to know I’m alive! No one understands. Just Jess and Dylan. They are the only ones that get me.
Fuck this family bullshit. I’m outta here. First chance I get, I’m out the door! Jess, Dylan and me are talking about getting a place in the city. I don’t think any of our families would care. They would be happy to see us go. And we would be soooo much happier without all of their bullshit! Merry fucking Christmas!!!!
January something…
Dylan knows this guy who says he can get rid of the kid. I’m gonna go see him tomorrow. Dylan said that we can cut school and he’ll take me.
The guy says that he just has to get in there and scrape it out. He says that’s what they do with an abortion, so it’s all cool. He said it’s not big deal and he can do it tomorrow. It will be over and done with and no one will know anything about it. The guy says that he does it all the time and it’s quick and easy.
Yeah, just get me high and I can get through it. Dylan wanted to fuck on the way to see this guy. God he just can’t ever get enough. I told him no. I don’t want his jizz drippin on the guy while he’s down there. Dylan was being really sweet. Like it was his or something. Maybe it is his… I don’t know for sure. He said that he’d be right here for me. Whatever I need. Here we go… I’m going in now.
I was pretty wasted but it’s all over with. The guy said that I was pretty far along but that he got it out. I’m not sure what that means. Dylan said that he heard me screaming but I don’t remember a thing. The guy gave me a something before to help numb me. I don’t remember a thing, but Dylan was pretty freaked out.
Dylan is really sweet to me. He wants to take care of me. He really does love me. No one else does. I’m glad that I have Dylan in my life. Someone that I can depend on when shit gets rough.
We had to give the guy two hundred bucks. Thank God for Christmas and grandparents. If they only knew what they were paying for. They’d lose their dentures!
Anyway… it’s over with. It’s done. The guy said that I lost a lot of blood, but that I should be okay. I just needed to rest today and by tomorrow I should be fine. That’s what I want to hear.
Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life. I am gonna take back my life. Make a real future for myself and not become like all these asshole adults around me. I will be different. I want a career, a good job. I want a family. One that doesn’t hurt each other and lie to each other. I want to do it different. I will be different. I can’t wait for tomorrow.
I feel really weak. It hurts. I just want to sleep. I went back to Dylan’s for the night. I can’t go home. My mom will know that something is up. I need to hide from her just for tonight. Then tomorrow I can face her with a new outlook. A new attitude. I know my mom will flip if I don‘t call her, but what the fuck… I don’t care. I just gotta rest.
Dylan tucked me in to his bed and brought me something to drink. Coke I think. It tasted sweet. I need to rest just for a bit…
Bob came home. Dylan tried to stop him. He told him that I was on my period. Bob said that he didn’t care. Then he shoved Dylan out of the room and locked the door.
I told him that I couldn’t do it. I had to stop him. I tried, but he is too strong for me. I’m all torn up down there. I tried to stop him, but he forced himself on top of me. I begged him to stop. I told him that I would give him a blow job instead. He didn’t even listen to me.
He held me down and forced his dick inside of me. I started bleeding again. It hurt so bad. He wouldn’t stop. The louder I screamed the harder he pumped it in me.
Dylan broke down the door and pulled Bob off me. Dylan slugged Bob right in the face. He rolled onto the floor holding his bloody nose.
I was crying so hard that I couldn‘t even speak. Dylan picked me up and carried me to his car.
As we drove away, I saw Bob standing there at the door smiling at us. He flipped us off as he slammed the door.
I didn’t know what to do. I told Dylan to just take me home.
My mom was still at work when we got there. Dylan carried me up to my room and put me in bed. He had a blanket wrapped around me from his bed. He opened the blanket. There was so much blood. He tried to clean me up but it just kept coming out. I told him that it was okay… that I would be okay.
I just wanted him to lay with me. He softly stroked my hair and kept reassuring me and himself that it was gonna be okay. He looked down at me and got a worried look on his face. He told me that he was so sorry and he started to cry.
I feel bad for Dylan. This wasn’t his fault. He tried to help me. He helped me get rid of the baby and he got Bob to stop. He really did help me out. He was my friend. I hate to see him sad and worried.
Dylan looked at me with fear in his eyes, and said, “I need to call someone.”
“There’s no one to call.”
“I can call your mom.”
“No. She’ll just freak out. I’ll be okay. The bleeding will stop.”
He looked down again and rubbed his head. He wouldn’t listen to me. He rushed out to try and find a number to call my mom. I don’t want him to call my mom.
I am so tired. I just need to rest. I know I’ll feel better after I sleep for a while. I feel so tired. I’m so weak. I just need to sleep………… everything will be okay tomorrow.
(That was the last entry that Candace made in her private journal. It was found next to her body when her mom arrived home.)
XXX
Candi Page 6