by Jess Dee
“Ah, babe. Just seeing you makes me hard.”
Damn it, couldn’t he say hello like a normal person? Did she have to get so turned on just looking at him?
He leaned in close and pressed his lips to hers. “Do we have to make small talk or can we just strip and make love right here on the floor?” He wound his hand through her hair and slipped his tongue into her mouth.
Pain sliced through her belly as she reacted instinctively, kissing him back. She responded on the most primal level, her body grew slick with need and her breasts swelled. For a very long time all they did was kiss, she prolonging what was, in all likelihood, their last one.
He pulled away and pressed a single red rose into her hand.
Her fingers wound round the stem, clutching it. God, she wanted to make love to him, fuck him senseless. But she couldn’t. If she did, she’d never find the strength to do what she was about to.
She held the rose to her nose and breathed in deeply. “Daniel…” What could she say?
“This rose is just the first of many. I intend to have a rose a day delivered to your home while I’m away. Just to make sure you don’t forget me while I’m gone.”
Fat chance. Amy suspected that every minute of every day he was away, she’d be obsessing about what he was doing. Whom he was doing it with.
She shook her head, almost choking over her words. “Dan, we need to talk.”
His smile vanished. “About what?”
“Let’s sit down.” She chose a single high-backed seat, not trusting herself to share a couch with him. “Um…thank you for the flower.” Maybe if they started on neutral ground she could find the courage to move on from there.
Instead of sitting on the couch, he knelt in front of her. He took her empty hand, held it in his and looked into her eyes. “It’s a rose, Morgan, not just a flower. A red rose. A symbol of love.”
Her breath caught and struggled to escape. Her lungs felt like they were ready to explode if she didn’t exhale. She couldn’t move. All she could do was wait, suspended in what felt like another dimension, a parallel universe.
“Because I love you.” His eyes shone. Love seemed to pour out of them. She saw it all there—all her hopes and dreams—reflected in his eyes. For a minute she allowed it to wash over her, allowed herself the wonder of being loved by Daniel. It felt like the only thing she ever wanted. It made everything right. She loved him too. For that minute, her world was whole.
Then she exhaled. Her lungs jolted and she breathed again. As the breath left her body, that impossible parallel universe fizzled away. Fresh oxygen hit her brain and brought with it the cold reality of the moment. Daniel might think he loved her, and much as she wished, wished it were true, she knew better.
—
Her sigh slammed into Daniel’s gut and he braced himself. Instinctively he knew whatever Amy was about to say he did not want to hear.
“Danny.” Her eyes were closed. “You’re confusing physical attraction for love. You don’t love me. We’re good friends who sleep together. That’s not love, that’s sex.”
What the fuck? He wasn’t the slightest bit confused about his feelings for her. He loved her. Always had. Always would. What part of “I love you” didn’t she understand?
“Amy,” he began, when he trusted himself to talk evenly. “When you and I sleep together, we are not having sex. We’re making love.”
She shook her head. “No. It just feels that way. It’s easy to mistake passion for love. Especially since we know each other so well. We love each other like friends and desire each other like lovers. It doesn’t mean you love me.”
He stared at her. Was she crazy? What the fuck did she think it meant? “I love you and I desire you. What more is there?”
She sighed again. “Nothing. Everything.”
“Care to be a little more specific?” He knew what was coming.
“We have to end this…this thing between us. Now, before it’s too late.”
“Too late for what?” Where was the air in this room?
“For us. For me. For you.”
“Lady, I don’t have a clue what you’re talking about.” But he did. And it was killing him. Everything he worked so hard for, everything he achieved was about to come crashing down. She didn’t love him. Not like he loved her, anyway.
He hadn’t just dared to hope her feelings for him had changed, he’d come to believe it with all of his heart. Amy had given herself to him totally. Once they had finally crossed the line and slept together, she’d surrendered her body to him with the ease of a lover and the trust of a best friend. When he and Amy made love they were closer than they’d ever been. They were like one person.
He had truly believed she’d fallen in love with him, truly believed they had made the transition from mates to soul mates.
He was wrong. His plan had failed. All he’d managed to do was get her into bed—and now she was climbing out, alone.
Her voice, when she spoke, was bland. “If we end it now, there’s still a chance we can go back to being friends. If we don’t, one of us is going to get hurt. If that happens, I don’t think we can save our friendship.”
Too late. He was already hurting. Hell, having a knife stuck in his back and twisting it would be less painful.
Didn’t she understand he would never hurt her? How could he? He loved her. Hadn’t he been clear enough in his feelings for her? “You don’t get it, do you? You never have. You think all of this between us is just physical.”
She shrugged. “I do get it. I’m seriously attracted to you and you wanted to fuck me. The decision to do it was mutual. It was good while it lasted, but it’s over now.”
“You think that’s what all this is about? A little uncomplicated sex? A quick fuck and then back to being friends?”
“You made your needs very clear. From the night of the exhibition to the day at your pool, you were quite clear about what you wanted from me.”
Not clear enough, obviously. “You’re kidding right?” This had to be some kind of a bad joke.
Amy shook her head.
He stared at her, his jaw hung open in disbelief. How had she got things so wrong? “Think about it, Morgan. Our relationship changed after you met Vicky. Remember that? You wanted to know what I’d discussed with her and my answer was you.”
A pained look crossed Amy’s face as she nodded.
“What exactly do you think I said to her? D’ya think I told a ten-year-old child, with leukemia, no less, that I wanted to fuck my friend and what did she think about the idea?”
She spluttered. “I…oh! God, no.”
He was on a roll now, spurred on by a burning anger. “Picture it, me sitting with Vicky and telling her every time I saw you I got so turned on all I could think about was screwing you. Does that sound like me? Does it?”
Amy stared at him, aghast, and he knew he took the unpleasant image too far. He silently counted to ten, forced himself to calm down. “Damn it, Morgan. I told her she inspired me to change my life, to change my ways. I told her that her strength and her will to live and enjoy life made me want to live my life to the fullest, that I could only do that with you.” He stopped and looked at her, filled with despair. “A ten-year-old can understand my feelings for you, why can’t you?”
She stared at him, her eyes bright with tears. Still he could see the resolve on her face. She was slipping through his fingers and there was nothing he could do about it.
“Amy, I don’t want to be your friend. We’ve been friends for seventeen years. It’s not enough anymore. I want more. I want it all. I want to be your lover, your confidant and your partner. I want you. All of you.”
“Oh Danny, don’t say things like that. You can’t expect me to believe you when you talk this way.” A tear slid down her cheek. “I know how emotional you were with Vicky, I know how involved you got with her and I’m sure she inspired you. But I don’t think you’re being realistic. I don’t think you love me. I think you
like the idea of it though. I know you, you’ll grow bored. You’re not capable of the kind of commitment real love entails. I can’t take the risk of becoming more involved with you.”
“Risk? You think I’m a risk?” He nodded as realization dawned on him. Her past was coming back to haunt them. “You think I’m like Simon. You think I’ll hurt you, just like he did. Betray you, cheat on you.”
She shrugged. “I think you’ll leave. You always do.”
He narrowed his eyes, reluctant to bring her father into the argument but knowing he had no choice. “I’m not your father, either. You’re not your mother. Our relationship is different.” He calmed himself, kept his tone gentle. “Morgan, I understand you’ve been hurt before, felt rejected by the men you love. But I’m different. You know that. Hello? It’s me, Danny, your friend. Remember, the one you’ve counted on your whole life? The one who’s been there for you, when those men weren’t? Damn it, you turned to me for support when Simon cheated, you came to me for sympathy when your dad left. I was there for you. I’ll always be there for you.”
Amy was crying openly now, tears pouring down her cheeks. “As my friend,” she sobbed. “You were there as my friend. I could trust you then. I knew you wouldn’t betray me. I could lean on you.” She sniffed loudly and wiped her nose on her arm. “But it’s different now,” she whispered.
“Why?” He was stumped. “Because we’re sleeping together? You trust me less because I’m not just your friend but your lover as well?”
She nodded. “You leave your lovers, Dan. You always do. I don’t want to be one of those women you leave.”
“I’m not leaving you, Morgan.”
“Yes, you are. On Monday.”
Understanding broke through. “Son of a bitch,” he swore, his anger escalating. “It’s all about Janine, isn’t it? You think I’m gonna sleep with her.” He was pissed off. “What the heck? I’ve slept with her before, I’ll sleep with her again. A little mindless fucking to while away the long nights together.” He was damn furious. “What the hell kind of trust do you have in me, anyway?” He jumped up and paced the room, his voice way louder than usual. “We discussed this.” He jabbed a finger in her direction. “I asked you if you were okay with me and Janine working together. Several times. What was your response? ‘Do it, Danny. You have to do it.’” He whipped his hand through his hair. “You told me to go ahead. No, you insisted!”
The deep breath he took didn’t relax him in the slightest. He stalked over to Amy and leaned over her, his hands gripping the arms of the chair. “Just what the fuck kind of an opinion do you have of me, anyway? Do you seriously think I’d sleep with another woman just because I can? Because the opportunity is there?”
Amy opened her mouth then closed it without saying anything.
“Do I mean so little to you?” His voice was hoarse. He couldn’t help it. Her lack of trust was nothing less than astounding. “We’ve been together for seventeen years and you think I’d screw around on you? Dump you to screw someone else? You think I’d fuck you over like that?” She honestly thought he would. How could she have so damn little faith in him, in them? “You’re an idiot—and a hypocrite. You’re the one who’s running here. Not me. You’re the one who’s scared of commitment. You’re breaking up with me before I can break up with you.”
He shook his head in contempt. “We could have it all. We could have our friendship, we could be lovers… Hell, somewhere down the line we could even have a family. But you’re so scared I may hurt you, you’re not even willing to give us a chance.”
Amy seemed to spring back to life. “If I gave you a chance it would destroy me. Maybe I am scared. So what? My fears are justified. Your past proves you can’t commit to a woman. When was the last time you had a meaningful relationship? Why should I believe ours would be different?” Her voice lifted a notch. “You’ll leave me, Daniel, just like my father and just like Simon. When you do, I’ll lose it all. My lover and my best friend. I can’t do it. I’m not strong enough to cope with it. You will leave, Daniel, you always do.”
Daniel pushed himself away from her chair. “Damn it, Amy. Have a bit of faith.”
She shook her head sadly. “I can’t take the chance.”
He grabbed both of her wrists, desperate. “Trust me.”
“Danny, in the last two years alone you’ve had fourteen—no, fifteen girlfriends. I refuse to be one of those women. I couldn’t bear the rejection when it was time to move on.”
He shook her arms. “Open your eyes, woman. We have a history together, a friendship that will secure this relationship. I love you. Why would I ever leave you?”
Amy put up her hand. “Stop it. Don’t say things like that. It just makes it more difficult for me to end this.”
“Why would you want to end it?” Was he the only one who could see how illogical this was?
“Because I don’t want to be hurt again,” she snapped. “And I will be if this goes any further.”
“You haven’t heard a word I’ve said. I won’t hurt you. I love you.” He was shouting now.
“No. You love the idea of me. You love me as a friend and you love making love to me. That doesn’t mean you’re in love with me.”
“What more do you want me to do?” he yelled. “What else can I say to convince you I’m dead serious?” He pounded the wall in frustration. “For God’s sake, Amy, we’re adults. Don’t you think I know what I mean when I say I love you? Don’t you think it’s time you put a little faith in me?”
He watched her face ice over, watched as her shoulders stiffened and her back straightened. Before his eyes she turned into a stranger.
She uttered the words that made him sick to his stomach. “I think, Daniel, that it’s time to call it quits. If we continue to sleep together, I’ll only end up resenting you and I’d hate that. Please leave. Now. While our friendship is still intact. So our memories of this…time aren’t twisted and bitter, so that tomorrow when we wake up, we can be friends again.”
“Don’t do this, Amy. Don’t destroy us. We don’t deserve that.” Anguish tore at his gut.
“It’s too late, Daniel. It’s over. Please, just leave.”
Pain. So much pain. How was it possible to feel so fucked up from one conversation?
“Please,” she begged him. “Please go. While I still have some dignity left.”
“We won’t be friends tomorrow.” He could never go back. “I don’t want to be your friend. It’s not enough, not anymore.” Did he sound as god-awful as he felt?
She never answered, just crossed the room and opened the door.
What more was there to say? Daniel walked to the door, stopped, turned around and took one last look at her. Then he left. The soft click of the door closing behind him echoed throughout his hollow body.
Chapter Thirteen
When Simon cheated on her, Amy thought she’d never get over it. Thought she would be miserable and alone for the rest of her life. Time had taught her the truth. The heartache she dealt with after Simon left was nothing compared to what she was going through now. It was like comparing a blister to an amputation.
What she was experiencing now was nothing short of absolute destruction. Daniel had been ripped out of her life. One minute he was there and everything was fantastic. The next he was gone and her whole world was just one big screw-up.
Without Daniel, she had nothing. Life lost all meaning.
When he walked out of her apartment, he walked out of her life. There were no negotiations, no “I’ll see you tomorrow”, no last minute change of mind. He was gone. Her brilliant plan had failed. She hadn’t saved herself from the hurt of his ultimate rejection, and she hadn’t saved any part of their friendship.
Without meaning to, she fulfilled her own prophecy. She lost her lover and her best friend. All because she sent him away.
Bottom line: she messed up. Messed up bad.
She couldn’t sleep properly, couldn’t even remember the last time s
he had a full night’s rest. She would lie in bed and ache for the feel of Daniel’s warm body against hers, the sound of his voice in her ear as they made love.
When she did sleep, her dreams were troubled. They were always about Daniel, but she could never talk to him in them, never touch him. He was always too far away or had just left when she arrived. She would yell, try to catch his attention, but her screams would find no voice. When she tried to run after him, her legs were weighted and wouldn’t move. He would always walk away, walk out of her life, and she was helpless to get him back.
It was easier not to sleep.
Food lost its appeal. It stuck in her throat, gagging her. In the passing weeks she lost nearly nine pounds.
It was easier not to eat.
Then there were those terrifying moments when she couldn’t remember what he looked like. She could feel his silky curls, smell his aftershave, even see his dimples and devilish smile, but she couldn’t put the image together to make his face whole.
It had been a month now, the most awful month of her life. A month of silence. She didn’t have a clue whether his assignment was over or even if he was home. She hadn’t heard a word from him since that hideous night. Not a visit, not a call, not even an SMS.
She couldn’t blame him. After all, she kicked him out. What did she want him to do? Come groveling back to her? Daniel didn’t grovel.
There wasn’t a damn thing she could do to get him back.
Amy missed him. Hell, she pined for him. She was lonelier than she ever thought possible. Even when she stood in the middle of a crowd, she was alone. Her best friend was gone. She had sent her lover away and life was just plain crap.
How could she have coordinated this terrible sequence of events? How could she have calmly stood in her lounge and ordered Daniel out of her life? Her reasoning had seemed so solid then. Now it just seemed stupid. Shit, her whole life was stupid, pointless.