She was three-quarters of the way up, nearly there. ‘Stop there a minute,’ Connor shouted. ‘Make yourself comfortable. Now take both hands off the holds and rest them flat against the rock.’
The man was mad! ‘Won’t I fall?’ she called up at him.
‘No, you won’t. For a start, I’ve got you tight. Now take your hands off the holds.’
It took great effort of will but she did as he said. And she didn’t fall. She was balanced on two feet. Here she was, this far off the ground, only a couple of inches of rock stopping her from falling. It was scary. No, it was more than that; it was exhilarating. ‘Now come up the rest of the way,’ he called.
She climbed to the top of the slab; he moved along the ledge and made room for her to sit, then he tied her rope to the finger of rock he was tied to. ‘I made it,’ she said, hardly believing it. ‘Connor, that was terrifying, but also completely exhilarating, I loved it! Thank you so much! Gosh, I feel all trembly and excited.’
He seemed as thrilled as she was. ‘You did splendidly!’ He put his arm round her for a congratulatory hug and made to kiss her on the cheek. Except that she turned her head towards him at the same time, so the kiss landed on her mouth.
Oh, Lord. Oh, good heavens. His mouth was firm and his skin was warm, with a faint citrus tang from his aftershave. Zoe’s heart gave one enormous thump. Her body flooded with heat and she felt all her nerve endings come alive. Her lips were parting before she realised it, certainly before she realised that he was drawing back.
What had she nearly done? What had they nearly done? ‘I’m sorry,’ he said, ‘I didn’t mean to…’ but his eyes were riveted on her mouth and she knew he’d been as affected by the near-embrace as she had.
She tried to conquer her breathlessness. ‘Please…you needn’t apologise for kissing me,’ she said. ‘I liked it. It was exactly the right way to end my first climb.’
But he didn’t seem to be listening to her. He’d bent his head, was rummaging in his backpack. Zoe noticed beads of sweat on his forehead. He fished out a handkerchief and blotted them, took a swig from his water bottle before passing it to her.
‘Mummy, Mummy, my turn now!’ There was a little form below them, waving.
Connor cleared his throat. ‘Better get down. We have another customer. No need to climb back; there’s an easy scramble down just to your right. You go first; I’ll keep the rope on you till you’re down.’
It was an easy scramble and, although it should have occupied her mind, it didn’t. Instead, she was fixing every fluttering microsecond of that gentle kiss into her memory. Whether he’d meant it or not, it had felt very, very special. It was probably a good thing that he was now pretending it had never happened.
It was Jamie’s turn next. Connor led them to a boulder a little further on with an easier, much less steep climb of about twelve feet. He treated Jamie exactly as he had treated her. Hugely excited, Jamie scampered up the climb. Then he insisted on doing it again. And again.
‘Different this time,’ Connor said. ‘Mummy’s going to belay you.’
She’s going to do what? Zoe wondered. But Connor showed her how to fasten herself to the rock behind, how to pass the rope under one arm and over the opposite shoulder, how to keep the rope taut. And she brought up her son. ‘Top-roped’ him, Connor said. It was a totally different kind of excitement, something she had never experienced before. And she loved it.
‘I like climbing,’ said Jamie. ‘Can we do another one?’
But Connor obviously knew how easy it was to overtire children. ‘Time for lunch,’ he said. ‘And then we’d better get back. I’ve got some work I should be doing this afternoon.’
He avoided Zoe’s eyes. Zoe suspected the ‘work’ was an excuse so he could forget the kiss and the fact that they’d all got closer than he was comfortable with today. She opened her rucksack and took out orange juice and flask and food. She’d insisted that if Connor was doing the driving and organising the climbing, then she would prepare a picnic. ‘Just so long as you don’t think that it’s obviously woman’s work to do the food,’ she had told him. ‘Comes the time, I’ll expect you to make the sandwiches.’
But it didn’t look as though there would be another time now. She could feel him distancing himself. That ought to suit her—she didn’t want relationship complications any more than he did—but she still wanted him to know just what he’d done for her today.
‘I feel different,’ she said. ‘I don’t know what it is but I feel I’ve taken some kind of step. I’ve climbed something and I’ve had the confidence to let Jamie climb. I feel better for it.’
‘Good. That was the idea.’
They ate and drank for a few minutes in silence. Zoe was surprised at how hungry she and Jamie were.
‘That’s a high cliff, Uncle Connor,’ said Jamie. ‘Could you climb it?’ He pointed to the vast and vertical face behind the boulder they had just climbed on.
Connor looked at it, his eyes bleak. ‘Oh, yes,’ he said. ‘I already have.’ Then he added in an odd voice, ‘In a different life.’
Zoe looked at his face in alarm. He seemed to have forgotten they were there. He stood, flexing his fingers reflectively, then walked over to the boulder Jamie had climbed and ran up it. He didn’t even need to use his hands. Then, to Zoe’s horror, he started to climb further. ‘Connor,’ she called, her voice suddenly sharp, ‘what are you doing? Come back down, you’re being silly.’
But he paid no attention, and she didn’t dare shout again in case she disturbed him.
This wasn’t an easy slab like the one she had climbed; this face was almost vertical. He climbed upwards, his movements still fluid, graceful, but he was moving much more slowly. Zoe was fearful; she wanted to look away, but daren’t. It was as if the sheer intensity of her gaze would help him. He neared the top. It was completely vertical and there were short stretches where she was sure there were no holds at all, where no one could possibly climb. But somehow he did. And finally he hauled himself over the edge, stood and waved. Jamie waved back enthusiastically. ‘Are you going to do that, Mummy?’
‘No.’ Zoe’s fear for Connor’s safety had been replaced by a deep anger.
Connor disappeared, reappearing a few minutes later having scrambled down a gully. She looked at him, scared to her bones and icy from his unwitting betrayal. ‘That was thoughtless and selfish. What did you think you were doing?’ she asked, trying to keep the anger in her voice down. ‘And what was that you said about always being belayed? Connor, I was terrified. Did you stop to ask yourself what would we have done if you had fallen? Were you hoping to impress me? There was no need; I was impressed already. Now I think you’re foolhardy and I remember someone else who was like that and I…’ She stopped, turning her head away and trying to control her shuddering breathing.
He reached for her but she jerked away.
The faint triumph in his bearing withered. ‘I didn’t think. I’m sorry, Zoe, really I am. I wasn’t trying to impress you. It was just that I used to run up faces like that easily and I’d not done any serious climbing for so long that I thought I’d never get up the confidence to do them again. But today my confidence came back. I wanted to take a step—just like you said you did. I wanted to stretch myself, prove that the me I remember is still there.’
There was genuine remorse in his face and in his voice. But Zoe had seen remorse before, and suddenly she couldn’t bear it that all the men she’d ever cared about were the same. Did what they wanted first, apologised later. Then did it all over again. For a while today, she’d very nearly allowed herself to dream. But she wouldn’t repeat that mistake; her heart wasn’t strong enough to withstand being hurt again. ‘Sorry,’ she said. ‘I overreacted.’ She reached for the Thermos of coffee, her hand shaking.
Connor noticed. He covered her hand and stroked her wrist with his thumb. ‘Zoe, I wouldn’t upset you for anything. But sometimes the memories of how things used to be are so strong that I…’
S
he believed him, but somehow that didn’t help at all. To push the thoughts away, she opened a foil-covered package. ‘Have another sandwich,’ she said. ‘You need one after all that exertion.’
They were silent for a moment or two. ‘Have I blown the chance of any future outings?’
There was only one possible sane answer to that. She should seize on it firmly and quickly and save herself any heartache right now. But…
Zoe rubbed her forehead. ‘No, of course you haven’t blown the chance. Just remember that I have memories too, Connor. And they aren’t pleasant.’
Chapter Six
CONNOR had shut down his consulting room computer and was preparing to go home when his mobile rang.
‘Connor?’ It was Zoe, and she sounded rattled.
‘Yes, what’s up?’ As always, just the sound of her voice made his body sit up and take notice. He’d been carefully staying out of her way since the weekend, trying to get her out of his system. For half a moment, that tantalising accidental kiss had made him feel vibrantly alive—then he’d had a dizzy, light-headed, spots-before-the-eyes panic attack, just as he’d had in the bad days of his illness. He remembered Mick saying at the time that he must force himself to relax through them, that tensing up would make his condition worse. He had relaxed on Saturday; he had pulled himself together almost immediately, and by distancing himself from Zoe he’d got through the rest of the day to the extent of pulling that stupid stunt with the cliff because he’d been so pleased with himself. Now he concentrated on what she was saying.
‘Oh, thank goodness. I’m stuck in traffic in Sheffield and I can’t get through to Jo.’
He felt a ludicrous disappointment that it wasn’t him she wanted. ‘The phone system here has died, that’s why. You wouldn’t believe how peaceful it’s been today. Apart from Jo yelling at BT on her mobile to get an engineer here pronto, which is probably the reason you can’t reach her now. Good confinement?’
‘No, the baby decided to take a nap halfway through, the mother went into hysterics and we had to use forceps. Connor, can you ask Jo to forget phones for a moment and arrange after-school care for Jamie? They’re sending us on a diversion and I haven’t the faintest idea where I am or how long I’ll be.’
‘Yes, of course.’ But his conscience pricked him. He’d promised last week that he’d play football with Jamie again and he’d been avoiding him instead. ‘Or I could collect Jamie and look after him until you get home,’ he said slowly. ‘I’m not doing anything else until evening surgery.’
There was a pause when all he could hear was the engine running and distant car horns. ‘I’m not going to pretend he wouldn’t love that,’ she said, equally slowly. ‘Are you sure you don’t mind?’
‘I wouldn’t have offered otherwise.’
‘Then, thank you.’ Her voice sounded a bit strained. ‘Connor, don’t take this the wrong way, but I’ll ring the school to let them know you’re collecting him. It’s not that I don’t trust you—he’s all I’ve got, you see.’
Connor felt his heart twist. ‘Tell whoever you like, Zoe.’
It was odd, hovering in the playground waiting for the doors to open. He was aware of the other parents—many of them patients of the Medical Centre—giving him sidelong glances.
Jamie had evidently been briefed. There was a tiny anxious wrinkle the image of Zoe’s on his forehead as he scanned the waiting adults—then, when he spotted him, a big beaming smile spread over his face. ‘Uncle Connor!’ he yelled, and ran across the playground.
Connor opened his arms wide and swung him up. As he did so, an extraordinary truth hit him. This wasn’t the same as meeting his nieces and nephews out of school when he’d still lived in Newcastle. Yes, they were family—but Zoe’s son had taken hold of his heart.
They turned to go. Connor heard a couple of whispered giggles and saw knowing eyebrows raised on at least one face. He’d have to warn Zoe to expect questions. For now, he just nodded politely, took Jamie’s hand in a firm hold and headed for home.
Jamie chattered all the way, and then Connor waited in the coach house kitchen while home clothes were changed into. There was a new picture on the fridge. He smiled as he identified the mended gate, the play area, the long path around Connor’s own garden and the lawn where they had played football. He remembered Zoe saying that Jamie only drew what affected him. ‘Nice picture,’ he said when the little boy thundered downstairs, bursting to go outside and play. ‘Who are all the people?’
Jamie gave the fridge a cursory glance. ‘You and Mummy.’
‘What? All of them?’
‘You in your garden. Mummy in our garden. You and Mummy by the swings.’ Jamie tugged Connor’s hand. ‘Can we play?’
Connor let himself be pulled towards the gate. Was that why Zoe had sounded strained? Because her son’s pictures no longer showed his father in Heaven looking down on him?
They both heard the car at the same time. ‘That’s Mummy,’ said Jamie, and trotted off to meet her.
Over the hedge, Connor saw Zoe shut her car door. She looked tired and drained. He was stunned by a wave of protectiveness. No one should look that exhausted. He wanted to scoop her up, have her nestle into his shoulder and sleep until she’d recovered. But as soon as Jamie called ‘Hello, Mummy,’ and rattled the gate, she straightened her shoulders and pinned a bright smile on her face. Connor stepped back, not wanting her to realise she’d been observed. It wasn’t right. She should be looked after at the end of a hard day. She shouldn’t have to start all over again, being cheerful and attentive all on her own to a very active little boy. By the time the pair of them had reached the kitchen—Jamie manfully carrying the midwife bag—Connor had the kettle on and her selfish, useless former husband had been damned to the furthest reaches of the afterlife.
‘Oh, bless you,’ she said. ‘I’ve been gasping for tea for the last ten miles. Did you find the scones? There are some in the blue tin. I must change—I am so hot and sticky.’
He assumed from all this that she expected him to stay on for a bit. Did that mean they were on a better footing again? He was glad, but staying probably wasn’t a good idea given the confusion of feelings he was grappling with.
She came down again wearing faded denim shorts and an old yellow T-shirt. Comfort clothes, he diagnosed. ‘Thank you for looking after Jamie,’ she said, flopping down on the sofa.
‘It was no trouble. I enjoyed it.’ He sat down in his own shabby, yet comfortable armchair and found himself grinning. He might not be able to see the sunset from here, but he couldn’t fault the view of Zoe.
‘Uncle Connor taught me to climb on the frame safely,’ said Jamie, not looking up from where he was causing a couple of Lego men tied together with string to scale a pile of books.
‘Oh, good,’ said Zoe faintly.
‘I was right under him all the time,’ Connor reassured her. All the same, Jamie was a lively kid—however difficult she found it, Zoe had to make more of an effort to let him find his own feet. He gave an inward sigh, not seeing how he could get out of this. ‘Would you both like to come bouldering again this weekend?’
‘He’ll never forgive me if I don’t say yes.’ She gave him a tentative forgive-and-forget smile.
It was the smile that did it. Connor’s tongue took off. ‘And then another time, I wondered if—can Jamie swim?’
‘He can swim very well!’ she said indignantly. ‘He loves the water.’
‘Then perhaps you’d like to try canoeing.’
‘Canoeing?’
‘There’s a club at a reservoir not too far from here. It’s something I took up when I couldn’t…when I couldn’t climb.’
‘Well…yes, why not?’
Connor shot a look at Jamie, happily absorbed. He lowered his voice. ‘And I should warn you that several parents at school have almost certainly jumped to the wrong conclusion on hearing Jamie yell “Uncle Connor” at me as he raced across the playground.’
‘I’ve coped w
ith worse,’ said Zoe wryly.
Another rush of anger. ‘What do you mean? Have people been saying things already?’
‘Not here. Where we used to live. Neil would sometimes turn up to things the worse for wear. Even my friends would look sideways at me, wondering why I didn’t stop him, thinking that maybe it was my fault. And every time I asked if someone would babysit Jamie while I did an extra shift, I could see them feeling sorry for me that I had to work because Neil had spent the housekeeping again.’ She gave a brief smile. ‘You can see why I’m not in a hurry for another relationship.’
‘No, I can understand that.’ He held on to his temper and carried on talking, just to fill the silence. ‘I think Jamie rushing towards me was mostly relief. He seemed a bit anxious when he first came out.’
Zoe bit her lip. ‘He always is. Neil forgot him a couple of times. He said a case had come up.’
Connor was even more disgusted. How could anyone forget to collect his own son? And yet she had still loved the man? Still stayed with him? She was loyal, he’d give her that, but all the same, if he didn’t get out of here soon he was going to say something he’d regret. ‘I’d better go,’ he said aloud. ‘Evening surgery.’
She got up to see him to the door. ‘I tried so hard to make him see sense,’ she murmured, almost to herself. ‘But he wouldn’t admit he needed help. He liked clubbing, he liked drinking. He said it was only social and not to make a silly fuss. He was late picking Jamie up from that birthday party…’ She swallowed hard. ‘Thank God he was. Because the other kids he was supposed to have given a lift to had gone home by then. I might have had their deaths on my conscience.’
Hell, thought Connor grimly, wasn’t good enough for Neil Hilton. ‘Zoe—’ he began, not knowing how he was going to finish.
She gave him a tired smile. ‘I’m sorry. I don’t usually whimper like this.’
‘Perhaps you should. Get it out of your system.’
She stumbled on a building brick that was lying on the floor. Connor caught her instinctively, held her for a couple of heartbeats. ‘I must go,’ he said, not wanting to, but not knowing what he did want. ‘Will you be all right?’
Village Midwife, Blushing Bride Page 9