The Life List (The List Trilogy)

by Chrissy Anderson

  Ten minutes into my search for bits and pieces of Leo’s body parts in a town that I’m unfamiliar with, I decide to end the fruitless search and head back to my office. But of course, I make a wrong turn and my car spills out onto Mt. Diablo Boulevard…right in front of the Lafayette Reservoir.

  Leo told me about this place the night we met, and it’s even more beautiful than I imagined. How have I lived twenty minutes from here and never known about it?! Maybe I can call him real quick, just to tell him I finally saw the reservoir. It would be nice if I forgot his phone number so that I could stay on course with what I promised Dr. Maria, but since I made it my fucking computer password, all hope of that is gone. I swear I’m my own worst enemy. I think I’m gonna call. No I’m not! Yes I am! Ohhhh I hate myself so much right now! I’m sure he won’t be home though, its late afternoon on a Thursday; he’s gotta be busy… and he is. There’s no answer and, thank God, because I should NOT be doing this. I throw the car into reverse and slowly make my way to the exit of the overpriced parking lot. What was I thinking paying $5.00 for an all-day space? Was I hoping for some kind of Saturday night slut fest repeat? Kinda. And with that admission, I tip the scale of total unbalance and start to laugh and cry at the same time. Good Lord, I’m like Diane Lane in any one of the million cheating wife movies she stars in that can be seen seven days a week on the Lifetime channel.

  An emergency work call from Slutty Co-worker pulls me back into my safety net, and by the end of the conversation I’m ready to leave the reservoir nonsense behind. As I’m touching up my lipstick in preparation to go back to the office, I notice a tall guy get out of a dingy red jeep. The kind of jeep you see in cool beer commercials with people driving around in bikini’s and stuff. It’s definitely not one of those perfectly cared for jeeps that gets washed and waxed every week. This one’s used, dirty, and sexy as all hell. I squint my eyes to get a better look at the guy who’s dropping a few quarters in the meter and my focus zooms in on his perfect hands. Could that be…is that…it can’t be him! He did mention he likes to come here to be alone with his thoughts, and that does look like the jacket he wore the other night, but it doesn’t make any sense that it would be him. Then again, it makes all the sense in the world that it would be.

  I back up, park, and watch the guy as he walks to a bench on the edge of the reservoir. He sits, rests his elbows on his knees, leans his chin into his fists and stares at the water. Is that him? The bits and pieces look right, but it’s so hard to tell. Maybe I should go look. Nah, whoever he is, he’s come here to think and I should leave him alone. I’m outta here. WAIT, no I’m not! Okay, wait a fucking minute, Chrissy! You made the ridiculous attempt to call him, so why not make one more final effort to see if the guy on the bench is Leo. I get out of my car and slowly walk up behind the man. Even though I know he can hear the crunch of the rocks under my boots, he doesn’t turn my way. It reminds me of the night I met Leo when no matter what, I couldn’t get him to look at me.

  “Leo?”

  His head slowly lifts up, but instead of turning my way, it tilts slightly to the left and faintly shakes from side to side in a “this cannot be happening” kind of way. I’m about ten feet away when I notice the familiar grey shirt peeking out from under the very familiar green jacket. I recognize the shiny black hair and I smell the smell that’s still hiding in my closet at home.

  “Oh my God, it is you.”

  He turns around, and his green eyes pierce right through me. Wow, he looks much older than twenty-two. He has the blackest of black eyebrows that make his eyes pop out at you like dart boards. He has stubble on his chin, but not the overly groomed kind, the kind that doesn’t give a fuck. In fact, everything about him screams, “I don’t give a fuck.” He walks towards my stiff as a board body which feels cemented to the ground. My heart is pounding, and I hear loud swishing sounds in my ears. I feel like I could faint, but I remember what happened the last time I fainted, and I’ll do whatever I can not to repeat that humiliation.

  He puts his hands in his jacket pockets as he approaches me. He’s leery of me. He should be.

  “I had a feeling you’d show up here eventually.”

  “You actually come here and wait for me?”

  “No, not like a freak or something. I do have a job and school- I’m busy. But, I don’t have your number or your address. Shit, I don’t even know your last name.”

  And there’s a mighty good reason why.

  “So in between work and school I hang out here sometimes and hope you might show up before it’s too late.”

  “Too late for what?”

  He lowers his eyes at me in a “don’t make me fucking say it” kind of way, and then it hits me. He’s talking about my imaginary wedding.

  “It’s Anderson.”

  “What is?”

  “My last name.”

  Well, my maiden name anyway, but at least it’s some kind of truth.

  I invite him back to my car, and as the rain pours down, we spend the next three hours talking. Our conversation picks up right where it left off early that Sunday morning, just before he kissed me. He talks about college, and I talk about my career. I’m fascinated that’s he’s gonna achieve great things, and he’s fascinated that I already have. Things are feeling as magical as the night I met him, and just as he’s leaning in to get a better look at my necklace and I think kiss me, the park ranger bangs on my window and notifies us that the reservoir is closing. We have to vacate the premises immediately or be locked in all night. Not a bad thought, but definitely a bad idea.

  “I’d offer to buy you dinner, but you know my situation…my temporary situation.”

  Man, we’re at such different stages of our lives.

  “I’ll buy.”

  Over sushi and several sakes, Leo describes his life to me. He was adopted when he was one day old from Eureka, and all he knows is that he’s part German, Irish and Native American. He has two older brothers who were also adopted; none of them are biologically related and he has nothing in common with either of them. His parents divorced when he was sixteen, and after they sent his two brothers to college, he was told there was no money left to send him. As if that wasn’t hard enough to deal with, the home he had lived in his entire life was facing foreclosure.

  He never felt like he fit in with his family and describes his relationship with his best friend, Taddeo, as his only real close one. After high school, he went to Cal Poly, San Luis Obispo and majored in Construction Management. Not his first choice as a college or a major but he thought his Dad would pony up some of the tuition if he followed in his footprints. Sadly, his Dad never stepped up, and survival soon became a problem, so he left to be closer to his grandparents who offered to help him with half of his tuition at the college he always wanted to attend, St. Mary’s College in Moraga. He moved to Moraga but went to a junior college for a year before attending St. Mary’s so he could work full time and stock pile some money. He’s been at St. Mary’s for five months now.

  He works part time in a rock yard to finance his rent and the other half of his tuition that his grandparents aren’t covering. He’s doing everything he possibly can to finish school quickly so he can pursue a career as an investment banker, which by the way, his brothers think is a silly pipe dream. They call him a Gordon Gecko wanna-be. What a bunch of assholes.

  He’s had one girlfriend and said that he didn’t care much for her. She joined a sorority and, that being one of the stupidest things in the world to him, he dumped her and hasn’t talked to her since. He makes it very clear that once he cuts you out of his life, it’s permanent, and I believe him. He’s a genuine guy and a true friend, but only to a select few. He’s been known to punch guys who disrespect women, and he hates the word tits. He likes drinking beer, a lot of beer, but under no circumstances will he play a lame drinking game. The only money he justifies spending is on his gym membership, which as far as I can tell, is money well spent. He hates going to the movies because he c
an’t stand being that close to strangers. He’s a total germaphobe. He’s been in way too many fist-fights in the last couple of years, but he’s working on his rage because he feels like he’s old enough to get sued for it. He will NOT own a cell phone until the day an employer requires him to, and he hates anyone who talks on one while driving their car. He’s opinionated, confident, and brutally honest and makes no apology for any of it. He tells me that he hardly ever smiles, until recently, and it’s all due to meeting me. After everything he just told me, I believe him.

  During dinner, the subject of my engagement didn’t come up once. It makes me wonder if he assumes it’s broken off or if he decided not to care one way or the other. It also makes me wonder if all he’s really looking for is a piece of ass, and then that makes me wonder why I didn’t bolt after dinner when he asked me if I wanted to come to his apartment. Actually he didn’t ask me. He just said, “Come to my apartment.” Right away I thought of three things that should’ve made me run home as fast as possible:

  1) I’m a married woman.

  2) I’ll seduce him if I go there, and I have all night to do it because Kurt’s still backpacking in God knows where USA.

  3) Leo could actually be a psychotic killer who wants to get me to his apartment and do really bad things to me.

  Because I’ve apparently lost my mind, I decide to abandon any and all logic and go with half of number two. I may seduce him, but I definitely won’t stay the night. I have to draw the line somewhere. Isn’t that what Diane Lane would do?

  We arrive at his place and walk up the outdoor stairs to his floor. It feels like my heart is gonna pop out of my chest. We pass a trio of girls leaving the apartment next door to his, and in unison they chime “Hiiiiiiiiiii Leooooooooo.” Man, are they ever checking me out! I love it! He gives them a quick, “Hey,” unlocks the door, and places his hand on the small of my back to guide me inside. His touch releases a thousand butterflies into my body. This is the most exciting thing I have EVER done in my life. I can’t believe there are single people out there who get to do this whenever they want and they complain about it! Are they high?

  His apartment looks exactly like I thought it would. College text books piled high on a dreadful looking brown tiled coffee table, a couple of frayed chairs, a mattress on the floor of the bedroom, empty beer bottles lined up on the kitchen counter, and the most massive television I’ve ever seen. There are miles of wire spread across the floor going from the TV to a couple of video game joysticks. Is that…Nintendo?! Seeing the look of horror in my eyes, he quickly kicks the joysticks under the curtain.

  “That would be stress relief for the poor man. Wanna beer?”

  He seems nervous. Surprisingly, I’m wildly in control. He hands me a beer and then sits in one of the broken chairs and takes a swig. God, he even makes drinking out of a bottle look sexy.

  “Don’t you want to know if I’m still engaged?”

  “I decided not to care about it. Once you get to know me, you’ll do the right thing.”

  His confidence is a total turn on. I place my beer on his shitty table and kneel down in front of him, nudging myself between his legs. I don’t know where all of my courage is coming from but I don’t question it. I extend my neck up and grab the back of his, pulling his lips towards mine. The kiss is slow and long and the best one I’ve ever had. After a few minutes, he leaves my lips and eagerly travels to my right ear. Everything is loud, wet, and wonderful. No part of me wants to go home. I want to move into this four hundred square foot piece of crap apartment and live the rest of my life feeling like this. As my hands start to rub his thighs, I feel him tremble, so I pull away.

  “You’re shaking.”

  “Stuff like this doesn’t happen every day. Goddamn, I ran into you TWICE! It’s gotta be fate because I’m not a lucky guy.”

  I hope I’m long gone before he finds out just how unlucky he is.

  “Chrissy, I’ve been dreaming about you for two weeks, and to actually find you is scary.”

  “Scary?”

  “You could go away, and what are the chances of finding you again?”

  “I don’t think I can go away Leo and that scares me.”

  “You don’t have to go anywhere. Get to know me.”

  “I don’t want to talk anymore, kiss me”

  “Come to my bedroom.”

  Shedding

  March, 1998

  The only things I’m good at lately are yelling at people at work and avoiding my husband and friends. The plus side about being a bitch at work is that I’m giving every asshole we do business with a run for their money and my boss is giving me kudos for my tenacity. I smell a raise on the horizon. Courtney’s called a few times wondering where I am, but those calls have gone unreturned. Since Dr. Maria made me start wondering why I don’t talk to my best friends about my problems, I feel uptight talking to them about anything. It hasn’t been hard to avoid Kurt, though. In fact, I think we’ve been avoiding each other for years. He’s been busy planning a kayaking trip for the two of us. You know…because I love kayaking so damn much. To prepare me for the trip, he bought me the most ridiculous looking shoes I’ve ever seen. They’re called Uggs and they’re UGGly as all hell. They might be on the cover of Outdoor Idiot Magazine but they’ll never make it into mainstream fashion or onto my feet. Seriously, where does he find this stuff?

  The last time I saw Leo was at his apartment, six days ago. We didn’t have sex that night. At first it seemed like it was certain we would, but after all of my clothes came off and he started to explore my body, I broke down in tears. Sure, I had already committed adultery in every sense of the word, but there was no absolution from having sexual intercourse with another man. Once I did that, there was no going back, and up until that moment on Leo’s bed, all of my sanity rested on the hope that I could put him behind me, forgive myself for my one and only mistake, and move on with my life with Kurt. I knew if I had sex with Leo, every single thing I had worked for in the last twelve years would come to a crashing halt. My much admired wedding ring would feel like nothing more than costume jewelry; my dream home would become a house of cards, and my fifty thousand dollar wedding vows would make about as much sense as jibber jabber. Everything I thought to be precious would really be shit. Maybe it’s already shit, but until I determine the full extent of its shittyness, I owe it to Kurt to put a lid on my libido. Plus, even more disturbing than blowing up my shitty world with adulterous sex is that it would officially make me a total failure. And the thought of that was more overwhelming than the desire to have sex with Leo. So he held me tightly while I cried uncontrollably.

  For a few hours, I felt safe in his arms, a fraud sheltered from my fraudulent life. When he finally walked me out to my car, I told him I probably wouldn’t see him again because I needed time to sort my life out.

  He grabbed both of my wrists, stared deep into my eyes and said “You have to.” And I do. As much as I want to be done with him, I can’t be. I’m addicted now. The next day, I gave him my phone number. Okay, not really, it’s just the phone number to my voicemail account.

  There’s no way I can give him my real cell phone number!

  Because of work and obligations at home…like ones that require me to act like a wife, I haven’t been able to talk to Leo for days. And as I listen to his latest message on my way home from work, I can tell he isn’t happy about it.

  “You’re worrying me, Chrissy. If you don’t want to see me anymore, then at least have the guts to tell me. Don’t leave me hanging like this.”

  Just as I’m about to pull into my driveway, I maneuver the car straight and drive to the end of my street. Am I crying because it really is over or because I don’t want it to be and I don’t know what to do about it? How come the only time I’ve felt sane in the last twelve years has been in the last few insane weeks? Jesus, I’m so exhausted from asking myself questions like this. I start to cry harder than I ever have; it’s truly an academy award winning perf
ormance. I can’t go home until the redness in my eyes goes away because Kurt will want to know “what’s wrong now” and I can’t lie to him anymore. I park next to the trailhead that I’ve come to know and love as the start of my morning jogs and give myself time to calm down.

  I tend to make very quick decisions about things. Whether it’s about upping my 401k contribution amount, changing my political party affiliation, or lasering a mole off of my body, when I decide on something, I do it immediately. No decision is ever kept in limbo long with me, and what to do with my marriage shouldn’t be an exception. So if I don’t plan on divorcing Kurt, and I don’t, at least I don’t think, I cannot continue to see Leo. No good can come out of what I’m doing to those men and eventually I’m gonna get caught. Plus, if I end up on Leo’s bed again, I’m screwed, literally. The best way to end the charade, and my addiction, is to tell Leo I’m going forward with my so-called wedding in July and say good-bye to him once and for all. I pick up my cell phone and slowly dial his number.

  “What the hell are you talking about?! Tell me one good reason why you’re gonna marry that guy.”

  “For starters, we’ve been together a really long time.”

  “That’s a stupid reason and you know it.”

  He’s right, it is a stupid reason, but this is also a stupid lie. This whole charade makes me look and sound like a stupid idiot.

  “I’d be hurting a lot of people if I backed out of the engagement. I guess I’m too scared to do that.”

  “Then you aren’t the same person I’ve been talking to.”

  That’s an understatement.

  “So you’re gonna go through with a wedding to a guy you cheated on because you feel obligated to?”

  Nope, I’m gonna stay married to a guy because I feel obligated to.

  “Leo I don’t know how to explain all of this to you…”