Decline & Fall

by Chris Mullin

  Tuesday, 4 December

  To Latymer Upper (day pupils only, fees £12,000 a year) to speak to sixth formers. My theme: ‘In defence of politics’, an uphill task in these difficult times. Lots of intelligent questions. One girl suggested we should legalise drugs and prostitution and buy up Afghani opium for use as morphine.

  Back at the House: a truly awful debate on party funding, forced upon us by the Tories. A great deal of ya-booing and tit for tat. It did none of us any good. You only had to look at the grim faces in the public gallery to see how it will have gone down outside. I had put my name in to speak, but the quality of debate was so dreadful that, not wishing to become tainted by it, I asked the Deputy Speaker to cross my name off the list.

  Wednesday, 5 December

  Iain Duncan Smith remarked to me, as we shared a lift, that the Tories were wrong to have made such an issue of ‘sleaze’. ‘It will rebound,’ he said. Several of the older, wiser Tories have been quietly saying the same. Iain drew attention to an interview with Tony Blair last Sunday in which he said that, with hindsight, he regretted making such an issue of ‘sleaze’ in the Major years.

  ‘It’s consuming all of us,’ remarked one of my friends in the Press Gallery, ‘including us journalists. We know we have only to put the word “sleaze” in the opening paragraph to get our story in the paper.’

  Thursday, 6 December

  After much hand-wringing the government have decided to have another go at increasing pre-trial detention: this time to 42 days, surrounded by all sorts of supposed (and hopelessly impractical) safeguards. Once again the Tories and the Lib Dems have come out against, though how many on our side will fall for it remains to be seen. I had to smile on reading the paper setting out the government’s case, which remarks in passing that concerns have been expressed by community groups ‘and others’. The others include the Director of Public Prosecutions, the former Attorney General, Lord Goldsmith, and not a few senior police officers.

  Tuesday, 11 December

  To the chamber to hear Ed Balls deliver a jargon-encrusted statement announcing a blizzard of new initiatives, action plans and official guidance to improve the lot of our schoolchildren. There are to be mentors, and parent-run school councils, and teachers are to be enjoined to keep in regular email contact with parents, every child is to have a ‘red book’ documenting his or her progress through the early years of their lives. Most teachers I meet are pleading for a respite from New Labour initiatives. Goodness knows what they are going to make of all this. It was tempting to get up and point out to him – apropos my recent visit to Valley Road – that much of the early-years care in the poorest parts of my constituency is on the point of collapse because funding is running out. Instead I confined myself to bending his ear on the subject in the Division Lobby.

  Wednesday, 12 December

  My 60th birthday. Grateful though I am for having reached the age of 60 with my health intact, the knowledge that my life is three-quarters over weighs heavily. I try not to think about it, but my name is recorded in the Guardian birthdays column and people have been congratulating me all day.

  Meanwhile a great new iceberg is looming out of the mist. Jacqui Smith – no doubt on Treasury instructions – has upset the Police Federation by staggering their pay increase, with the result that they all lose out on a couple of hundred quid. Pretty small beer, really, but it’s not how the Federation sees it. They have reacted by organising a huge uprising. We are being bombarded with letters full of words like outrage, disgust, betrayal (the Federation never does anything by halves). They are demanding Jacqui’s head and there are calls for the right to strike, oblivious of the fact that the police are far better paid than those public servants who do have the right to strike. Privately most people agree that it’s a mistake to upset one of the mightiest vested interests in the country for the sake of saving £30 million, but dare we back down in the face of a campaign of intimidation? And were we to do so, what would be the impact across the rest of the public sector? However, there is a bigger problem looming. The Senior Salaries Review Body is rumoured to be recommending above-inflation pay increases for ministers and MPs. The Treasury, needless to say, will recommend against, but (unlike other public servants) we get to vote on our own pay and conditions. If, as seems likely, we vote ourselves a generous increase while denying the same to others, all hell will break lose.

  Thursday, 13 December

  Gordon appeared before the Liaison Committee this morning and confirmed that there will be no backing down on police pay. Gerald Kaufman is fuming. He says he’s written to Gordon, Jacqui Smith, Geoff Hoon, urging a climbdown but no one is listening. ‘I’ve given this government my absolute, grovelling loyalty,’ he fumed, ‘but they’ve given me nothing in return.’

  Lunch in the Churchill Room with Nick Kay, our new ambassador in the Congo. He claims to be optimistic, but it didn’t sound as though much has changed on the ground. It seems the Chinese are moving in, offering infrastructure in return for natural resources, and Kabila seems to have bought the whole package without dwelling on the small print. Apparently, when he addressed parliament on the first anniversary of his election, Kabila made no mention of the donors or the 17,000 UN troops who have stabilised his country, but referred repeatedly and in glowing terms to China.

  Home on the 20.00.

  Monday, 17 December

  My whip, Alan Campbell, reports that people previously thought of as Brownistas appear to be giving up on Gordon and casting about for a new wagon to hitch themselves to. Who? He mentioned a couple of names, people involved in the August ‘06 coup attempt. Alan also thinks that this parliament could run into the spring of 2010.

  Today I collected my over-sixties Freedom Pass, which allows me free travel in London, courtesy of The People’s Ken. Ludicrous, really. When I wait for a number 3 in the evening, at the stop by Victoria Tower Gardens, the only other passengers are usually other members of the Lords or Commons, plus a waiter from the dining room – and the waiter is the only one who pays.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  2008

  Saturday, 5 January

  Sunderland

  To town, where clearing up is still going on after the usual seasonal mayhem. The plate glass in every one of the bus shelters in Fawcett Street, about ten in all, has been smashed; several telephone boxes are also without glass.

  Monday, 7 January

  General unhappiness at this evening’s meeting of the parliamentary party. Barry Sheerman, an ultra-loyalist, led the charge. Why, he wanted to know, was the government going out of its way to upset some of the most articulate people in the country in an effort to save trivial amounts of money by cutting back on further education for those who already have degrees? Why had we taken on the police over a paltry £30 million which had already been budgeted for, someone else wanted to know. Someone else talked of ‘political stupidity’ on public sector pay in general, given that it was the bedrock of our support. The government seemed to be going around looking for people to upset, said another. ‘If we want to save money,’ said Mike Foster, ‘why not make some big decisions, not death by a thousand cuts.’ ‘People like me, who are loyalists, are having their loyalty stretched to the limit,’ said Adrian Bailey. Harriet Harman did her best to stem the tide with a little homily about not taking risks with the economy, but there was no banging on desks when she sat down. The natives are restless.

  Also, a brief discussion on MPs’ pay, on which, ludicrously, we shall be invited to vote later this month. I pointed out that it would be political suicide to award ourselves a larger increase than we were prepared to grant the rest of the public sector, which prompted some mild ‘hear-hearing’, but not enough to imply that the penny has dropped with most people.

  Thursday, 10 January

  Suddenly I am relevant again. For a moment or two at any rate. At Business questions I lobbed a little shot at Harriet Harman, asking how come we yet again find ourselves in the ludicrous position of
voting on our own pay, having been repeatedly assured in years gone by that it would never happen again. To my pleasant surprise she responded generously, acknowledging that if my amendment six years ago – brushed aside by Robin Cook – had been accepted we wouldn’t now be in this position. Afterwards, in the Tea Room, we agreed that I would table an amendment next week seeking to link our pay in future to the fortunes of our humblest constituents, probably pensioners. She also wants me to assist with lobbying colleagues against voting themselves an above-inflation pay rise, in defiance of government advice. Something I have been doing anyway.

  Tuesday, 15 January

  A meeting with the Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith, anxious to convince me to support her plans for extending pre-trial detention. We had a pleasant chat in her room for about 20 minutes. I was noncommittal although my instinct is to oppose. I asked how she was coping with protection and she told a nice story about how, last summer, she’d taken her children to a camping site in Wales; another of our colleagues, Mike Foster, and his family were also there. Mike was in a tent, she was in her caravan and the Special Branch officers assigned to guard her were in a posh hotel up the road.

  Tuesday, 22 January

  To the Department of Justice in company with a delegation of Members whose seats are marginal, in an attempt to persuade Jack Straw to close the so-called Ashcroft loophole that allows the Tories to pour money into the marginals. Jack, however, is proving reluctant for fear of opening a new front on union donations. As he pointed out, the party is heavily in debt and we are now totally dependent on union funding, just about all other sources having dried up (what rich man wants to donate to Labour only to be monstered in the tabloids?). Someone argued that, if he didn’t act soon, it would be too late and we would face defeat. ‘What could be worse than an election defeat?’

  ‘Annihilation,’ replied Jack. Rightly or wrongly, he believes the Tories are out to destroy us.

  Thursday, 24 January

  A belated outbreak of sanity. We decided nem con to restrict our pay increase to 1.9 per cent, in line with the rest of the public sector, which means we can look the Police Federation in the eye and tell them to get lost. My amendment, linking future rises to the old age pension, wasn’t called, but Harriet promised once again to try to find a way of sparing us the perennial embarrassment of having to decide our own remuneration.

  Peter Hain has resigned, following the news that the police are examining unregistered donations to his deputy leadership campaign. His departure has triggered a mini-reshuffle. Typically, Gordon has opted for maximum complication. Four or five bright young things, most of whom had been in their jobs a mere seven months, have been moved. A crazy way to manage the business of government. We work in a lunatic asylum.

  Monday, 28 January

  Some sotto voce muttering about the youthful new appointees, sneeringly referred to in the media as being on work experience. ‘What talents are required to be in the Cabinet?’ inquired Eric Joyce as we filed into the Division Lobby this evening. Even Nick Brown, a Gordon loyalist, describes the new appointments as ‘a big risk’.

  Other news: the mixed-race woman selected by the Tories to succeed Ann Widdecombe at Maidstone turns out to have been seeking selection as a Labour councillor in Croydon as recently as 2005. I came across Gerald Howarth in the library, photocopying the relevant page of the Mail on Sunday. ‘We’ve brought it on ourselves,’ he said, ‘with all this political correctness.’ It’s the second time the Tories have been caught out. Their candidate in the recent Ealing by-election had purported to be one of ours until a few months previously.

  Tuesday, 29 January

  A graphic account of life at the frenetic court of Gordon, from A Friend in High Places. Rumours of tantrums, harassment of minions, chaotic micro-management and telephone-throwing are true. Gordon, she says, is perpetually exhausted, incapable of relaxing, constantly micro-managing and takes disagreement personally (‘Why are they doing this to me?’). He fires off up to 100 emails a day in all directions, demanding answers on every subject under the sun. He personally is said to have written Alistair Darling’s pre-Budget speech. On New Year’s Eve, with 30 guests waiting for him downstairs at Chequers, he spent the best part of four hours phoning all and sundry about the crisis in Kenya and then, instead of joining his guests, went to bed. By 7.30 a.m. on New Year’s Day he was back on the phone again. According to my informant, far from being groupies, the officials who came with Gordon from the Treasury are cynical. They recount overhearing him on the phone to The Man, flatly denying responsibility for negative spin, even as his agents – sometimes operating from the same room – are colluding with the enemy. Relations between acolytes are not always good either. Douglas Alexander and Shriti Vadera are said to have been at loggerheads in DFID. On the credit side, unlike The Man, Gordon is willing to deliver tough messages – and (contrary to rumour) did so on his recent visits to India and China. He also has an extraordinary capacity to absorb information, never needing to be told anything twice.

  Wednesday, 30 January

  A huge furore over Derek Conway, a Tory Member, following a report by the Standards and Privileges Committee, which found that he had misused the office costs allowance to employ his ‘all but invisible’ student son.

  Monday, 4 February

  The stain from the Derek Conway business is spreading. The weekend press is full of tales about Members (mainly but not exclusively Tories) exploiting the allowances. Some outrageous scams have come to light. The rot runs deep. It is dragging us all down.

  At this evening’s meeting of the parliamentary party a row over four of our number – Frank Field, Kate Hoey, Gisela Stuart and Graham Stringer – who have got themselves mixed up with some sort of Tory front organisation that is planning to organise referendums on the Lisbon Treaty in ten, mainly Labour, marginals. An acrimonious discussion. Graham Stringer and Gisela Stuart reluctantly offered to withdraw, but Kate was defiant and Frank silent. David Winnick upped the ante, questioning whether they could remain on the whip. The Chief Whip, Geoff Hoon, was similarly uncompromising. Withdrawal was not enough, he said. Those concerned must disavow.

  Tuesday, 5 February

  Complaints about Members employing relatives are flooding in. At this morning’s meeting of the Standards and Privileges Committee we agreed, as a matter of urgency, to require Members employing relatives to register their names. The Speaker has set up his own inquiry, but one only has to look at some of the names on it to see that nothing much will change, if it is left up to him. Increasingly, he is seen as an obstacle to reform. Meanwhile we are all tainted.

  Wednesday, 6 February

  Gordon is gradually getting the hang of PMQs. Unlike The Man, he’ll never be a star, but he seems to have the measure of David Cameron, who today asked a laboured series of questions about the number of ‘reviews’ ordered by Gordon (in truth rather a lot) and was easily swatted aside. Pat McFadden, once a courtier, remarked, ‘I think it’s probably hit Gordon just how much stuff there is coming at you in Number 10. It’s unrelenting. You can’t just retreat into a shell, as he used to do in the Treasury. People demand answers. You have to respond.’

  Thursday, 7 February

  Norine MacDonald came in, hotfoot from Afghanistan. Situation bordering on the catastrophic, she says. Corruption and torture rampant. A culture of impunity. Karzai has lost the plot; surrounded by villains, he seems to believe the British are conspiring against him. She had heard from Afghani sources that he was only just talked out of expelling our ambassador. David Miliband and Condi Rice are there today, no doubt trying to talk some sense into him, but the possibility has to be faced that sooner or later NATO faces defeat in Afghanistan, with all that that implies.

  Friday, 15 February

  No one turned up to this evening’s surgery at Pennywell. It was the same at Silksworth the other day and at Thorney Close. Five years ago there would have been a queue, but now we are lucky if we have two or three customer
s. Graham insists that this is because we encourage people who ring up to call at the office during the week. Maybe, but I wonder if something more fundamental is happening. Is it to do with my slide into obscurity or the rise of the internet? Who knows, but we are going to have to change our approach.

  Sunday, 17 February

  To Holy Island with the girls and Aunty Liz. Brilliant sunshine. This is said to be the sunniest February on record. On the way up we stopped in Alnwick, lunched in one of the little cafes overlooking the market square.

  Arrived home to find that the top had come off one of the taps in the bathroom, causing water to shoot up in a great geyser. Ngoc called the fire brigade, who came swiftly to the rescue (she was full of their praises). Disaster narrowly averted.