Marley (Carnage #3)

by Lesley Jones

  “He’s gone, Marls. Maca’s gone. They’re keeping—” He cried and cried and cried. We all cried. I hurt. Everything hurt. My insides, my outsides, my breath and my soul. It all hurt.

  I wanted my babies. I just wanted go home and hold my babies. I wanted to go to my house, hold my wife and kids, and lock out the world.

  “They’re keeping Maca alive on life support until George is out of surgery. She has massive internal bleeding. She’s lost the baby. She’s lost the baby and they’re just trying to save her now.”

  “No.” It just came out of my mouth. “No, tell them no. Don’t save her. They mustn’t save her, Len. She won’t want that. They need to let her go. They need to be together.”

  Before he replied or I said any more, my parents arrived with Bailey and Jim. Everyone was crying. Everyone was hurting but it didn’t change anything. All the tears, all the pain, all the love in the world. None of it changed anything.

  When Georgia was brought out of surgery, I volunteered to be the one to tell her what happened. I brought Maca into her life that sunny August day back in 1980, and I’d be the one to take him away on that bitterly cold December day in 1999. Nineteen years. They’d lived, laughed, loved and cried more than most do in a lifetime, but they’d only known each other for nineteen years.

  My mum insisted that we were all there when George woke up, but I should be the one to tell her.

  She opened her eyes and looked straight at me. I gave her a chance to get her bearings, remaining silent until she was fully conscious.

  “A car hit us, Marls. A fucking car came up on the pavement and hit us.” Tears rolled down the side of her face and into her ears as she spoke. She was hooked up to blood and fluids and had wires on her chest, as well as a blood pressure monitor that kept tightening automatically. The bed she was on was huge, and she looked so tiny.

  “Porge—”

  “Where’s Sean, Marls? Is he with Beau? Did they have to do a C section? Can they get me a wheelchair so I can see him?” Her jaw and lip trembled. She knew ... she must know.

  “Porge, they had to operate.”

  “To get Beau out?”

  “Yes Porge, they had to operate to get Beau out, but he didn’t make it, baby girl. He didn’t make it.”

  She let out a sob. It came from her throat, her chest, her DNA. It came from every part of her being and it echoed through every part of me.

  All I could hear around us were tears; tears rolling down cheeks, tears being held back, tears that would never stop.

  “Where is he, Marls? Is Sean with him?”

  “No, no, no.” I knew that was my my mum without even looking around.

  “It’s okay, Mum. Sean’ll keep him warm till I see him. We’ll get through this. There’ll be more babies.”

  I heard the door to the room open and close and I assumed that it was all too much for my mum. Instead, a nurse and a doctor approached the bed, the nurse took Georgia’s hand.

  “Mrs. McCarthy, are you aware of what’s happened with your baby? Has everything been explained to you?” The doctor asked.

  The nurse let go of her hand and put a tissue in it. George wiped her nose and nodded at the doctor.

  “Very good. Well, we have a policy at this hospital of giving the parents time to grieve and the opportunity to spend time with their child. Is that something you would like to do?”

  She nodded. “Yes. Yes, I’d like to see him.”

  “Well we’ll get that arranged for you then.”

  The nurse and Doctor leave and we’re all left to destroy what’s left of Georgia’s heart.

  “Where’s Sean, Marls? Is he okay?”

  I can’t lie to her. She’s my little sister, it’s been my job for most of my life to protect her, but I can’t save her from this, I can’t even soften the blow.

  I can’t get my words out and when she noticed me struggle, she knew.

  “Marls... no, Marls, no, no. Don’t make it bad. Please don’t make it bad. Daddy!” She looked over my shoulder to where my dad was standing. “Tell him, Daddy, tell him please.”

  “He hit his head, George. He hit his head really bad. He’s never gonna recover from it. They’ve got a machine breathing for him, but he’s never gonna wake up.”

  I expected crying and sobbing. What I didn’t expect was silence and the vice-like grip she had on my hand. The door to the room opened and the nurse walked in, carrying Beau. My mum collapsed, my dad holding her up the best he could.

  My nephew, my best mate’s baby boy was wrapped in a blanket, but I could see his dark hair on the top of his head.

  “Can you all leave please? I want to be alone with my son.” George asked.

  I wasn’t going anywhere.

  “Go, now. Please everyone.”

  The room emptied.

  “Marls?” I heard Ash say my name from behind me. I shook my head no.

  “I’m not leaving her,” I tell Ash. “I’m not leaving, George,” I tell my sister.

  Ashley left the room.

  Georgia laid her son on the bed in front of her and unwrapped the blanket. He was perfect, and he looked like Maca.

  “Oh Marley, why, why? He’s just a little baby. Why him, why not take me?”

  “I don’t know, George. I don’t have the answers tonight, I’m sorry.”

  I poured water in the bowl that the nurse brought in. I made sure it was warm—not hot, not cold, but warm—the way that babies like it. I grabbed some of the cotton wool that was sitting next to it and took it to my sister. I stood and watched as Georgia washed her son. She asked me to pass her the bag that was sitting on the shelf in her room. Milo had dropped it off earlier, once he’d finished giving his statement to the police.

  From bag, George pulled a nappy, a vest, a baby grow, and a blanket that had guitars over it. She dressed Beau, then wrapped him in the blanket.

  I sat on the bed next to her and held her son. I told him all about his Dad and what a great musician he was. I told him, much like I did my own son, how much his Dad and all of us loved him. I tried to think of everything that Maca would say. I tried to make him feel safe and loved.

  Sometime later, the nurse that was in earlier, brought a wheelchair in and told us that it was time to take Beau to meet his Dad.

  When we got to his room, the rest of our family was there, along with Maca’s parents and half-brother and sister. That pissed me off. He’d seen a bit of his Dad over the years, but not his Mum, and he’d only ever met his brother and sister a few times.

  Bailey and Len lift George onto Maca’s bed. It’s the most heartbreaking sight I’d ever witnessed.

  George moved Maca’s arm so that it was around her and she undid the blanket a little and introduced Beau to his Daddy.

  “Look what we made, Sean. Just look at how perfect he is. He looks so much like you. Just look at all that hair, all curly, just like yours used to be.”

  She wiped the tears from under her eyes. “They’re not letting me keep him though, Sean. They’re taking both of you away from me. He has to go to heaven and they’ve decided that you need to go to heaven with him so that he doesn’t get scared and lonely.”

  She kisses Beau, then she puts him to Maca’s lips so that they press against his son’s head. Then she kisses Maca.

  “I love you both, my beautiful boys. I love you both so much and I’ll see you very soon.”

  She closed her eyes with her husband’s arm around her, their son held in her arms.

  Maca’s life support was switched off and he passed away quietly at 11.43pm.

  Georgia had to be sedated before the nurses could take Beau from her arms or remove her from Maca’s bed.

  Georgia was kept sedated for a further forty-eight hours and was evaluated by a psych team before she was allowed home to my parents’ place five days after her surgery.

  Life for the rest of us was hard. We were all in shock, all grieving for Maca, for Beau, and for what Georgia had lost.

  As
h and I made love constantly in those first few days. We’d cling to each other and cry, during and after. We just needed that connection.

  We tried our best to explain to the kids in an age appropriate way what had happened, but Annie had nightmares for weeks afterwards. And for the whole of December and part of January, we slept with all three of our kids in bed with us.

  On the afternoon before the funeral, the bodies of Maca and Beau were brought to my parents’ house. Georgia insisted that the coffin go out in the soundproofed room that we’d all hung out in so much.

  Now that she was up and about, she’d been sleeping in there. She was taking tablets to help her do it, and she was on a low dose of valium and antianxiety medication. My parents seemed to think that she was over the worst, but I knew my sister better than most, and insisted that someone was with her at all times, so we all took it in turns. She wasn’t there mentally during that time, her mind gone, or just shut down till she could cope again.

  We were each given time to spend alone with Maca and Beau. I asked Ash if she wanted to go together but she said no, that she felt I needed to say goodbye alone.

  Beau was lying face down on his daddy’s chest, Maca’s hands placed protectively over his sons back. I kissed the top of my nephew’s head and I kissed my best mates forehead before sitting in the chair next to the coffin.

  “I don’t know how to do this.” I told him honestly. “I always thought it’d be me. I thought I’d fuck up, crash my bike, or my car. Go on a bender and have a heart attack ... I dunno, summit. I just always thought I’d be the one to die young, not you, Mac, never you.”

  I pulled one of the man-sized tissues from the box that someone had thoughtfully left on the coffee table, probably my mum, and blew my nose. Then I started to laugh.

  “Remember when we were on the bus going to Detroit and I had a cold and asked if anyone had a tissue?” I smiled and shook my head thinking about it.

  “And you, you dirty fucker, passed the one you’d wiped your cum stains up with when you’d had a wank earlier. I had your fucking Jizz all over my nose, you fucker. Billy was really hungover and threw up after gagging a few times ... Ah, funny times, Mac, funny fucking times.”

  I sat and spent the next hour reminiscing and promising my mate that we’d all look after George, and we’d always keep him and Beau in our thoughts when Georgia walked in. I stood and wrapped her in my arms and just held her.

  “I brought this for Beau to wear. I wanted a piece of me to be with him. Sean has my name tattooed on his heart, so I want Beau to have this.”

  She held up the necklace with the ‘G,’ held in the angel wings that Maca had bought her one Christmas many, many years before.

  “It’s perfect.” I told her.

  She didn’t have to undo the clasp, she was able to just slip it over Beau’s dark little head.

  We all gathered together in that room later. My parents eventually went to bed, but myself, my brothers, our wives and Georgia, we drank. We raised our glasses and told stories of our memories of Maca.

  I caught George smiling on the odd occasion, but I knew it was just a mask. I knew the whole scene was a farce. Each and every one of us were terrified about what tomorrow would bring.

  The outpouring of grief from around the world was mind-blowing. I had visited the scene of the accident with Ash and laid flowers amongst the hundreds and hundreds of others that had been placed there. The place was a shrine.

  Despite the funeral taking place at midday, the cars started arriving at my parents’ at around ten thirty. The funeral directors had already informed us that the roads leading from just beyond the gates at the end of the drive, all the way through town to the church, were packed.

  My sister’s body was the only part of her in attendance that day. Her mind had gone, totally checked out. She stood alone in my mum’s kitchen, staring out the back patio doors at the cold December morning. Her arms were wrapped around herself, the way they often were since she’d left the hospital. Even from the back, I could see how thin she was looking.

  I moved to stand beside her but didn’t speak for a while.

  “I know what you’re planning and I totally understand, Porge, but I just need you to know that despite what you’re thinking, what you’re feeling now, we all want you with us. We all want to help you come to terms with this and move forward.” I dug my hands deeper into my suit pockets and tried to compose myself. I didn’t want to cry while I was talking to her; there’d be enough tears later, so for now, at least, I wanted to remain composed.

  “I know that this is ... this loss is something that none of us will ever get over, least of all you, but we all need to help each other find a way to live again. I’ve lost my nephew, my best mate, my bandmate, and my brother in law. I can’t lose you too. I need ya, George, I need ya so much right now. So, I’m begging ya, for me, please don’t do anything stupid.”

  Georgia overdosed the first time, just nine hours later.

  She’d told my mum she was taking a bath. It was an hour later that I noticed her missing. Everyone had had a lot to drink after one of the worst days of our lives.

  I won’t go into the details of Maca’s funeral here. If George ever decides to write a book, then I’ll leave that as her story to tell, so for now, that day will remain private.

  I walked along the galleried landing of my parents’ house and the first thing I heard was the song, ‘Fade to Black’ by Metallica, and I knew in an instant what she’d done.

  I ran. I ran as fast as I could, but it felt like I wasn’t moving. I reached Georgia’s bedroom door and pushed it open. Apparently, I’d already called out for help as I was running because as I stood staring down at my sister’s small body, curled up on her bed, I heard the commotion of my family arriving behind me.

  The note she’d left beside her, summed up what we were all feeling.

  I’m sorry, I just can’t do this. It hurts too much. The pain is more than I can bear. If you love me, then please just let me go.

  G

  At the end of January, she did it again, and that time, they only just managed to bring her back. So, we took the hard decision to have her committed to a private mental health facility once she was well enough to leave the hospital.

  It was a few weeks after her release that I had an idea that I thought might just help pull my sister from the depths of hell, where she was currently residing.

  I went and got her old car, Hilda, out of storage.

  George was in her usual spot, on the old leather Chesterfield, when I found her.

  “Up ya get, George, I’ve got something out here for you to see.”

  I thought she’d stare at me blankly, that far off vacant look still in her eyes from all the medication they’d had her on in the hospital. She’d been home almost a month then, and they were gradually weening her off of them.

  So I was surprised when she just wiped tears from under her eyes and followed me outside.

  She stopped in her tracks, one hand flying to her chest, the other to cover her mouth. Her tears were instant.

  “Oh, Marley. Where did you get her from? Have you been to my house?”

  I draped my arm over her shoulder and kissed the top of her head. “I have. Hope you don’t mind? I thought you might like to take her for a drive?”

  She looked up and for the first time in a very long time, not only did she smile, but I knew that she saw me. My sister saw beyond her grief and she actually saw me.

  “I don’t want to go out on the road, Marls, but I’ll drive her around out here.”

  I can’t put into words the happiness I felt at her words. My heart actually felt like it was growing and about to burst out of my chest.

  “Yeah?” I couldn’t wipe the fucking smile off my face as I spoke.

  “Yeah.” She smiled back up at me.

  “Well, it’s a fucking start, I s’pose.” I kissed the top of her head before grabbing her hand and pulling her towards the car.

>   EPILOGUE

  2014

  We’ve managed to keep our appearance at the Triple M fundraiser secret; not even a hint of what we’re up to has appeared in the papers. I’m nervous as fuck. I usually make a short appearance on stage each year, and I’ve played on my own plenty since we lost Maca, but this is different. I’ll be fronting Shift, replacing their lead singer Jet Harrison, who had recently taken his own life. I would be singing a few songs by Carnage, and Conner Reed would take up the mic and we would perform a couple of Shift songs.

  The lights go down and the place is in relative silence, considering it’s packed to capacity.

  I hit the first notes of ‘With You.’ Reed follows me in on bass and the crowd goes wild. The curtain lifts and I swear the fucking building shakes.

  I can barely see through the stage lights, but I know roughly where my family is standing, and I try to pick George out on the balcony.

  This is one, of very many, that Maca wrote for her and I always worry, even after all these years, how she copes with hearing them.

  When I’m done, I address the crowd with a lump in my throat and thank them all for coming. Reed then takes the mic and dedicates the next song to his girl. Rock stars, we’re all a bunch of pussies.

  I’m pumped when we come offstage.

  “You fucking rocked it, Reed. You slayed them.” I tell Conner. I really like working with this boy. He’s full of great ideas and we have very similar tastes in what we like to listen to. He’s looking to get out of the spotlight and I think he’s someone I could easily work, either producing or writing music with in the future.

  It’s his first time up on stage since he’s lost his mate, so I make a point of telling him that it’ll get easier—never better, just easier.

  Ash is waiting backstage with a bottle of Cristal and I’m feeling so wired that I know that the only thing that’ll bring me down from my rush is a special bit of Ash loving, so I drag her off to where I happen to know a rather spacious storage cupboard is situated.

  All about the romance me—broom cupboard sex, and Cristal. I take my wife on the best dates.

  Just thirty minutes later, we join the rest of our family up in the VIP bar, even all of the kids are with us this year.