Wish

by Deborah Bladon

  This is where I fell in love with her.

  I settle in next to her, leaving enough space between us that I won’t be tempted to take her in my arms and never let her go.

  “Are we going to talk about our feelings?” she asks in a voice that’s barely more than a whisper. “If we are, can I go first?”

  Christ, please. Please, don’t let her say she loves me.

  I can’t hear those words. They will haunt me forever. They will slowly kill me.

  I swallow and take a ragged breath. I promised myself I’d never to lie to her. I vowed that I would always be honest with her, but tonight I have to break that to protect her.

  “I’m moving out,” I say it quickly to get the words out.

  Her gaze drops to my mouth as her bottom lip trembles. “What did you say?”

  I fist my hand on my knee. “I need to move out, Matilda. I think it’s for the best.”

  “The best?” she repeats back slowly. “What does that mean?”

  She can’t absorb what I’m saying. I’ve seen it over and over again in my work. People unwilling to accept what they’re hearing because they are clinging to what they want to believe is true.

  In those cases, it’s the loss of a loved one that their heart can’t grasp. For Matilda, it’s the death of our love.

  Tears well in the corners of her eyes. “What are you saying, Sebastian?”

  I scrub my hand over my face to hold back my emotions. “This has to end.”

  “This?” She spits the word out. “Us?”

  I hang my head as I nod. “Yes.”

  “I thought…” She stumbles as she gets to her feet.

  I’m up too grabbing for her out of instinct, but she swats my hands away. Her breathing is labored and uneven. “I thought this was different. I thought you felt what I felt.”

  I did. I do. I love you, Matilda. I fucking love you.

  She stands in place, her hands shaking as she clasps them together in front of her. “I thought I was different.”

  I’m causing her pain. I need this to be done. “I haven’t changed. It’s me, Matilda. I can’t change. A relationship won’t work in my life.”

  Her gaze skims my face as tears stream down her cheeks. “Are you leaving tonight?”

  I look over at the open door of my bedroom. “I’ll go now. I’ll come back in a day or two to pick up my things.”

  She bites her lower lip to still it. “I’d appreciate if you would text me to tell me when. I don’t want to be here when you come back.”

  I almost double over from the look of excruciating pain on her face. “I will.”

  She turns and rounds the sofa in silence before she crosses the apartment, goes into her bedroom and closes the door.

  Chapter 51

  Tilly

  “You look sad, Tilly.” Cooper touches my hands with his. “Mom looks like that when one of her pet friends from work goes to heaven. Did that happen today?”

  I look into his soft blue eyes. They’re the eyes of an innocent child who could never understand the debilitating pain of being dumped by the person you thought you’d spend the rest of your life with.

  It’s been more than a week since Sebastian told me he was moving out.

  I haven’t heard a word from him.

  I decided that if I don’t by the end of this week, I’ll pack up his things and have them sent to him at work.

  I closed his bedroom door the night he left and I haven’t opened it since.

  “Something like that, Coop.” I pat the sofa next to me. “Do you want to sit down so I can read you a book?”

  He bounces in place. “I’ll get the one Detective Wolf gave me.”

  It’s not the first time he’s brought up Sebastian since I got here to babysit him.

  As soon as I arrived, he wanted to know where his best friend was.

  Carolyn expertly answered for me by telling him that Detective Wolf was working on a case and would be busy chasing bad guys for a very long time.

  When Cooper went to his room to get a new toy to show me, Carolyn tugged me into a hug. I needed it more than I realized.

  My phone chimes as Cooper takes off in the direction of his room for the second time tonight.

  Kate: Meet me for a drink when you’re done.

  I stare at the screen for a few seconds before I type out a reply.

  Tilly: I’m dead tired tonight.

  Kate: You’re not using that on me again. You’ve been sleeping fourteen hours a day.

  I have been. I’ve spent much of the past week in my bed. I’ve only left my apartment to go to work and to come here.

  I thought spending time with Cooper while Carolyn is on a date with Darrell would help, but so far it’s only reminding me of the man I love.

  I respond with a few taps on my phone’s screen.

  Tilly: One drink. That’s it.

  Kate: I’ll head over to the bar across the street from Carolyn’s place now. I’ll be waiting for you when you’re done.

  I smile for the first time in more than a week.

  Tilly: I could be here for hours yet.

  Kate: The martinis will keep me company.

  ***

  “I feel like an idiot.” I sip on the glass of soda I ordered when I got to the bar. I was tempted to go for something stronger, but I’m scared that if I start pouring alcohol down my throat, that I won’t stop.

  It was my go-to pain reliever after my break-up with Boyd. I won’t fall into that trap again.

  “Because you fell in love with him?” Kate runs her fingers over her chin. “Don’t beat yourself up because you loved Sebastian.”

  Love. I still love him.

  “It’s not just that.” I look around the crowded bar. It’s the same bar that I was at weeks ago with Sebastian when he took a fist to his face.

  It was the night of our first kiss and I could see forever in the distance.

  Now, I only see loneliness and confusion.

  “We were here one night.” I point at the table in the corner where Sebastian and I sat. “We had our first kiss right over there.”

  She turns to glance over her shoulder. “Are you serious?”

  “I am.” I attempt a weak smile.

  “I’m a horrible best friend.” She pushes back her chair. “We’re getting out of here. Let’s go.”

  “No.” I reach to grab her hand to still her in place. “I don’t want to go.”

  She hesitates. “You don’t have to be brave.”

  My gaze slides over to the bar and the same redheaded bartender that was here the night Sebastian kissed me. “I’m not brave.”

  “I asked you to come live with me temporarily, and you refused so you could stay in the apartment you shared with the man you love. Now, I’m telling you we should get the hell out of here and you’re still in that chair.”

  I glance at her. I see the concern in her eyes. It’s been a constant since the night Sebastian left and I called her begging her to come over.

  She did. She crawled into bed next to me and held my hand while I wept through the night.

  “Running away from memories only gives them more power. “I sip my soda. “I’m facing them. I have to.”

  She nudges her chair closer to the table. “Fine. We’ll face them together.”

  “I did something the day before he left.” I cup my hand around the soda glass.

  “What did you do?”

  “I tried to make his dream come true.” I shake my head. “He made so many of mine come true that I wanted to make one of his a reality.”

  She downs what’s left of the drink in her glass. “What does that mean, Tilly?”

  “When we were here that night he told me that his dream was to be a prosecutor. One of his friends told me the same. He said that Sebastian talks to him about becoming a lawyer.” I close my eyes briefly to ward off the regret I’ve been feeling for the past week.

  “A lawyer? That’s surprising.”

  I
nod. “The day before he broke up with me he told me he was planning on meeting someone to talk about his future. I assumed he meant becoming a lawyer so when I went to work that day and saw the Dean of Admissions for NYU Law I thought it was fate.”

  “You saw who at work?”

  I pinch the bridge of my nose before I go on, “Ron brought his cat into the clinic that afternoon and I thought it wouldn’t hurt to mention Sebastian to him.”

  “Ron is the Dean of Admissions?” She stops me to clarify.

  I nod. “Yes. He came in unexpectedly and I brought up Sebastian and his career and his admission years ago to NYU Law. Ron said he’d put together an admissions package and reach out to Sebastian to talk about his chances of getting accepted again in the future.”

  Her voice lowers. “Did Sebastian tell you he wanted to go to law school?”

  I shake my head. “No. He never came right out and said it. I think that’s why he left me, Kate.”

  “You don’t know that.”

  I look back at the table in the corner. “Maybe it was my dream more than his. He was shot years ago. I was scared that it would happen again.”

  “He was shot?” She jerks her head back. “Oh my God.”

  “He’s fine.” I pat my shoulder. “He’s fully recovered now, but it scared me enough that I convinced myself that he’d be happier as an attorney.”

  “Tilly.” She reaches to cup her hands over mine. “He didn’t leave you because you put in a good word at a law school he may never want to go to. If that was the issue he would have just brought it up and told you that he appreciated the effort, but he wasn’t interested in that career path.”

  I shake my head in frustration. “You don’t know that, Kate.”

  “I know that you told me very early on that he doesn’t want a girlfriend.”

  I don’t need the reminder. I haven’t stopped thinking about that since the night he broke up with me.

  “Tilly, he left you because he didn’t want to be in a relationship with you.”

  The words sting. They sting as much as they do every time I let then trample through my thoughts.

  I want there to be a logical reason for why Sebastian walked away from me. I don’t want it to be because he didn’t love me.

  “You have to face this.” She wraps her arm around my shoulder. “The sooner you do, the sooner you’ll be able to move on.”

  She’s wrong. My heart won’t let me move on.

  Chapter 52

  Sebastian

  “One more night on my sofa, Sebastian.” Liam kicks my bare foot with his boot. “I’m giving you more night and then I want you out of here.”

  I don’t open my eyes. “You said that yesterday and the day before that.”

  “Get up.” He opens the curtains to let the early-morning light flood his living room.

  I push my palms into my eye sockets. “Jesus, Liam. What the fuck is wrong with you?”

  “What the fuck is wrong with me?” he repeats back. “I’m not the one wallowing in my own pity. I’m getting my ass to work and tonight I’m taking a beautiful woman to dinner.”

  “Don’t rub it in,” I growl.

  “I had my doubts.” I hear him walking around the sofa. “I admit I had doubts when you told me you loved Matilda, but I need to say, I have zero doubts now. You really do love this woman.”

  “I know that.” I push myself up into a sitting position. “You don’t think I spend every fucking day thinking about her?”

  He sits on the edge of the coffee table.

  He’s dressed for work in a pair of black pants and a blue button-down shirt. I can’t say the same. I’m wearing boxer briefs and nothing else.

  The only clothes I have here are those that I could fit into my duffel bag. I stuffed that with more underwear, two pairs of jeans and a bunch of T-shirts before I left the apartment I shared with Matilda.

  I had no idea where I’d end up that night until I called my youngest brother.

  I didn’t even try and keep it together. I sobbed into the phone and he told me to head over to his place.

  He was waiting on the sidewalk in front of his building with open arms and a beer.

  “Julian stopped by my office yesterday.” He sighs. “He wanted to know what’s up with you. He said you’ve been avoiding him.”

  I have no idea what Matilda has told her sister about me. I don’t give two shits if Julian will never speak to me again after breaking Matilda’s heart.

  What I do care about is whether Matilda is all right.

  “He doesn’t know about Matilda.” His hands dive into the front pockets of his pants when he stands. “He was saying something about inviting you two to dinner with him and Maya to talk wedding plans.”

  Shit. Their wedding.

  I have to stand and stare at Matilda while two people we love promise to commit themselves to one another forever.

  “Why wouldn’t she have told him what I did?” I look up at my brother.

  He shakes his head. “Because she loves you. She doesn’t want to come between you and your best friend. It’s the same reason she talked to the Dean of Admissions at NYU Law about you. This woman wants the best for you.”

  The sharp tone of his voice doesn’t surprise me.

  When I came home from work two days ago and showed him the envelope that had been hand-delivered to me in the squad room by Ronald Hixon, he didn’t say a word for a solid ten minutes.

  Once he did speak, his message was clear.

  He told me I fucked up the best thing that has ever happened to me and I need to find a way to get Matilda back.

  I can’t do that.

  I won’t risk her safety for my happiness.

  “What if this is tearing her up inside?” he asks as he heads toward the door of his apartment. “Have you thought about that? What if she’s in as much pain as you are? Can you live with knowing you caused that?”

  The questions bring me to my feet. My hand grazes the full beard on my chin. “I don’t want that, but I can’t keep her safe, Liam.”

  He turns back to look at me. “How many times was dad threatened when he was on the job? He didn’t push anyone away. He held onto mom tighter. He held us closer.”

  I stare at him, listening to every word he’s saying.

  “Have you asked her where she feels safest?” He points a finger at me. “Stop making decisions for her. Tell her what’s going on and let her be the one to decide if you’re worth the risk.”

  Chapter 53

  Tilly

  “I hate leaving.” Kate looks beyond my shoulder at my empty apartment. “Why don’t you give me a few minutes alone in his bedroom? I can have everything packed up and sent to him in no time flat.”

  I love that she wants to protect me in that way, but it’s my responsibility to take care of Sebastian’s things.

  I have no idea where he’s staying now so an hour ago I sent him a short text message.

  Tilly: I need to know where to send your things.

  I don’t have to look at the screen of my phone to know that he hasn’t replied yet. I’ve had the volume set to maximum since he walked out of here because I don’t want to miss his call or text.

  “I need to do this.” I hesitate a beat before I go on, “I appreciate that you want to stay and take care of it for me, but it’s part of the healing process, right? Letting go of the past.”

  She’s been spouting helpful, and not-so-helpful, advice for days. I’m grateful for her support, but it’s wearing me down.

  I’m not ready to move on from Sebastian.

  I don’t know if I’ll ever be.

  All I do know is that tonight I need to clear out his bedroom. I don’t want his belongings near me if he’s not.

  “I’m not going far.” She reaches to touch my shoulder. “I’m going to have dinner at that Greek place we love. It’s just a block over. I can be back here in five minutes flat.”

  “You can go home,” I say trying to con
vince her that I’m fine, even though I’m not. “I’ll send you a text before I go to bed.”

  “I’m in the mood for lamb.” She smiles. “I’ll be having dinner close by. If I don’t hear from you before I pay the check, I promise I’ll go home.”

  “You’ve been amazing through all of this.” I pull her in for a quick hug. “I love you, Kate.”

  “I love you too,” she whispers. “You’ll survive this. I promise you will.”

  ***

  “You’re crying.” Frannie leans closer to her tablet. “Tilly, what is it? What happened?”

  I look down at the paper in my hands. It’s out of the view of the camera.

  It was one of the last things I found in Sebastian’s room. It fell out of a book. I went to pick up the novel to place it one of the cardboard boxes and it slipped from my hands. The paper floated out before the book hit the floor.

  “I’m just…” my voice trails as I look at the date at the top of the paper I’m holding; the letter I’m holding.

  It’s dated four days before Sebastian moved in with me.

  “You never call me.” Frannie’s voice is impatient. “You’re scaring me. Are you hurt? Did something happen to Maya?”

  “I’m okay,” I whisper. “I haven’t talked to Maya. I think she’s fine.”

  “What do you keep looking at?” Her gaze drops even though she can only see my face and the top of my shoulders.

  “Are you wearing the T-shirt Maya bought for us?”

  I look down at the white T-shirt with the words ‘Happy Birthday for Two’ printed on it.

  I’d pulled it out of my suitcase the day after Sebastian left. I needed to feel close to the people I love even if I couldn’t face any of them.

  I’ve worn it to bed every day this week. I throw it in the washing machine every morning to get rid of the mascara stains that are left there when I cry myself to sleep.

  I tilt my phone’s screen down so she can see the front of the T-shirt. I leave my cut-off denim shorts and the letter in my lap out of view.