by Ginna Gray
There was also another reason she had not questioned Dirk; at the time that he had volunteered the information that he could not give her children, she had not been comfortable enough with him to ask why. But, of course, she couldn't tell Dr. Stevens that.
"I see," the doctor responded. "Perhaps he merely has a low sperm count. That would drastically reduce his chances of fathering a child, it's true, but it doesn't rule out the possibility. Often, however, when men are told that, they panic and assume the worst. If he is curious, I can run another test.
"In the meantime, however, you are very definitely pregnant." Sitting forward, Dr. Stevens pulled a prescription pad toward her, scribbled something on two of the forms, tore them off and passed them across the desk to Alissa. "These are vitamin and calcium supplements. I want you to take them faithfully. Some women sail through pregnancy without the least upset, but if you do experience nausea, particularly if it's severe, let me know and I'll prescribe something.
"You'll be thirty-seven by the time this baby arrives, Alissa," she continued in a serious voice. "You're healthy and I don't anticipate any problems, but the age factor puts you in the high-risk category, particularly since this is your first child. For that reason, I want to monitor you and the fetus closely and run tests throughout the pregnancy."
"All right," Alissa agreed automatically. She was still too dazed to fully appreciate everything Dr. Stevens was telling her. Her emotions were swinging like a pendulum, back and forth between ecstatic joy that she was actually going to have a baby and apprehension over what Dirk's reaction would be.
What would he say? How would he feel? She asked herself the questions over and over, but she had no idea of the answers. She was so distracted, when she brought her car to a halt in the apartment parking garage she realized that she had absolutely no recollection of driving home.
She had plenty of time to stew over the problem. Dirk had been out of town for the past ten days and wasn't due in until the following night. By the time he did arrive, she had halfway convinced herself that it had been nothing more than male pride that made him claim he did not want children. That he would probably be happy to learn that he wasn't sterile, after all.
Telling him wasn't easy. She intended to do so immediately, but she hadn't counted on Dirk's ferocious need of her. The moment he walked in the door, he dropped his bags, swooped her up in his arms and carried her off to bed like a marauding buccaneer. For the next hour, Alissa was so caught up in the throes of passion she could not think of anything but Dirk and the incredible pleasure they shared.
Much later, in the sweet aftermath, she tried again to tell him, but the words stuck in her throat. It wasn't until after they had showered and had dinner that she found the courage.
While she cleaned up in the kitchen, he went into his study to go through the stack of mail that invariably piled up in his absence. Alissa dawdled over the task, but eventually the dishwasher was chugging away and the kitchen was spotless. She could put the deed off no longer.
Dirk glanced up when she entered the study, but he merely gave her a vague smile before returning his attention to the letter in his hand.
"Dirk, I have something to tell you."
"Mmm. Okay," he replied in a distracted voice.
"I'm pregnant."
Several seconds ticked by with no reaction, and she knew her words had not yet soaked in. Then his head snapped up. "What?"
"I'm pregnant."
She knew instantly that she had been deluding herself in thinking he might be pleased. It took every ounce of courage she could muster not to quail before his fierce stare. She swallowed hard and laced her icy fingers together over her midriff in an effort to control the trembling that had started deep inside her being.
For several seconds, he merely watched her with eyes like ice. Alissa licked her lips. Say something. Anything was better than this awful silence, she thought, but in the next instant she learned how wrong she could be.
"Who is the father?" he demanded in a deadly-soft voice.
The words hit Alissa like a blow to the chest. She staggered back a step, every vestige of color draining from her face. "Wh-what?"
"You heard me. Who is the father?"
Pain sliced through her. Of all the possible reactions she had thought he might have, she had never imagined that one.
Alissa hadn't known it was possible to hurt that much and not die. Tears filled her eyes, blurring his image. Her throat ached so much she could barely speak above a quavering whisper.
"How … how can you ask that of me? You are the father."
His palms hit the desktop like the crack of a rifle shot, and he exploded up out of his chair, sending it crashing back against the wall. "Dammit! Don't lie to me on top of everything else!" he roared.
Alissa jumped back another step, her heart pounding. The ice had vanished from his eyes. In its place was bitter rage.
"I—I'm not."
"That's enough! I want the name of your lover? Who was it, Alissa? That old friend of yours, T.J.?"
Alissa sucked in her breath, but he continued relentlessly, ignoring her distress. "God knows, you had plenty of opportunity. You were with him practically every day while he was remodeling the house."
Feeling cold and sick to her stomach, Alissa could only stare at her husband.
"Answer me, dammit!"
A despairing, icy calm descended on her, settling over her shoulders like an lead cloak. She raised her chin and met his glare.
"No, it wasn't T.J. Nor was it anyone else you care to name. For the last time, you are the father of my baby. You are the only man who could be."
Dirk snorted and gave her a nasty smile. "Nice try, sweetheart. You've got the sincerity bit down pat. But I'm afraid it won't wash. You see, I can't possibly be the father. I had a vasectomy seven years ago."
"What?" The statement made her reel. To keep from falling, she clutched the back of a chair. Finally, she shook her head. "You had a vasectomy, and you didn't bother to tell me before we married? How could you do that?" she demanded with growing anger. "How could you?"
"I did tell you."
"No. No, you said you couldn't give me children."
"It's the same thing."
"It isn't the same at all. Being unable to father a child is one thing. Undergoing surgery to prevent it from ever happening is altogether different. I had a right to know that before I agreed to marry you."
"Oh, no. No, you don't! You're not going to twist this around and make it my fault. You're the one who's been unfaithful, not me."
Alissa pressed her hands protectively against her flat belly, and her chin came up another notch. "Listen to me, Dirk, because I'm just going to say this once. I have never, at any time, been unfaithful to you," she said simply. "Never. Whether you believe me or not, you are the father of this baby."
"The hell I— Wait a minute! Where do you think you're going?"
She stopped and looked back at him, her eyes filled with pain and sadness. "I'm going to pack. If you believe that I would betray you that way, or any way, then we have nothing," she said in a thin, expressionless voice.
"Don't bother," he commanded, coming from behind his desk. "I'll go. I have to get out of here. Anywhere away from you." He sidestepped around her as though she were something vile, taking care not to touch her, and that hurt her to the depths of her soul. He strode out of the room, leaving her standing in the middle of the floor, too shattered to move.
Even after the door slammed and minutes had ticked by, Alissa stood there, staring at nothing. She caught her trembling lower lip between her teeth. With her arms wrapped tight around her middle, she tipped her head back, widened her eyes and stared at the ceiling in an effort to hold the tears at bay, but it was hopeless. The trembling in the core of her being grew stronger, spread outward, until she was shaking like a hypothermia victim.
Then the terrible pain and anguish came crashing down on her, nearly buckling her knees.
&nbs
p; Low, raw cries tore from her throat as she bent over double and groped her way across the room to the sofa. She collapsed on the maroon leather, curling immediately into a fetal position as the sobs wrenched from her throat and shook her whole body.
"You're an idiot."
"Dammit, she cheated on me!"
"Alissa? C'mon, Dirk. Tell me aliens have landed in the Astrodome parking lot or the moon is made of green cheese and I might believe you. But Alissa, unfaithful? No way."
"I told you, I can't be the father of that baby."
Jack shook his head, his expression a mixture of pity and disdain. He poured a shot of whiskey over ice and handed Dirk the glass. "You're certain about that?"
"Yes. I had a vasectomy years ago. The type of women I typically dated were not exactly paragons of ethical behavior, and I had no intention of being slapped with a paternity suit or blackmailed into marriage." He made a derisive sound, and tossed down the whiskey in one swallow. "So what do I do? I turn around and fall for a so-called virtuous woman with the face of an angel who turns out to be the most conniving of them all. Doesn't say much for my judgment, does it?"
"I see. And you're absolutely positive that you are sterile?"
Dirk shot his friend an annoyed look. "Yes. How many times do I have to say it? Dammit, a vasectomy is a permanent surgical procedure."
"Yeah, well, I hate to tell you this, old buddy, but I have heard of instances where it wasn't exactly permanent. It seems that nature fights the procedure and has been known, on occasion, to reverse it."
Dirk stared at him, his face going slack with shock. "Are you serious?"
"That's what I've read. You probably ought to see your doctor. Get him to check you over. Actually, it would have been a good idea to have done that before you accused your wife of adultery."
Dirk closed his eyes, a sick dread churning inside him. What if…?
"Let me ask you something," Jack said conversationally. "When Alissa told you the baby was yours, how did she react? Did she blush? Or stammer?"
Dirk's eyes popped open, and he looked at Jack with an arrested expression. "No. Not at all."
"And that didn't tell you something? Hell, Dirk, everybody knows what a terrible liar she is."
Gradually, the look of shock in Dirk's silvery eyes turned to unadulterated hell. Groaning, he dropped his head into his hands. "Oh, God. What have I done? What have I done?"
All weekend and all day Monday, Alissa wandered the apartment like a lost soul. The entire time, she expected to be served at any moment with divorce papers, and every time the doorbell rang she jumped.
However, she didn't hear a peep out of Dirk, not even through a process server. He didn't come home, not even for a change of clothes. She knew because she had not left the apartment.
Dirk had hurt her terribly, and Alissa tried to harden her heart against him, but she could not. She loved him too much. Sadly, she had come to realize that she always would, and that depressed her even more.
Alissa wondered where he was. She didn't think he would seek out another woman. His pain, though groundless, was too new and too raw. But then, when a man felt betrayed, who knew what he would do? She didn't want to believe it of him, but it was possible that he might retaliate by having an affair.
The thought of Dirk with another woman tore at Alissa's heart like sharp talons, so she tried desperately not to let her mind venture in that direction.
On Tuesdays she had a standing date to join her friends for lunch. She thought about calling Annie, who was the most gullible, and begging off with a phony excuse, but she doubted that she could fool even her naive friend.
Besides, Alissa was no coward. She knew she couldn't stay holed up in the apartment forever. Sooner or later, she had to face people and get on with her life, no matter what Dirk decided to do.
Not even a liberal application of makeup could hide the ravages of a broken heart. Her friends immediately noticed her pale skin and puffy eyes.
"Oh, dear!" Annie gasped after one look at her.
The others fired off questions in rapid succession. "What happened?"
"What's wrong?"
"Are you ill?"
"Nothing is wrong. I'm perfectly fine," Alissa lied.
Margo's eyes narrowed. "Oh, yeah? Then why do you look like you've been on a three-day crying jag?"
Because I have, Alissa thought, but she dredged up a weak smile. "If I look a little under the weather, it's only natural. I'm pregnant."
As she had known it would, the news instantly diverted their attention from her ravaged appearance. All her friends knew of her desire for a family, and they reacted with squeals of surprise and delight, showering her with best wishes and hugs and kisses.
The excitement lasted throughout the meal, as they peppered her with questions. How was she feeling? Did the doctor say she was okay? When was the baby due? Did she want a boy or a girl? How did Dirk feel about becoming a father?
The last brought a renewed wave of pain, but Alissa pasted a smile on her face and assured them he was thrilled. She blushed, but they put it down to excitement, accepting the lie because it was what they expected to hear. By the time the meal was over, Alissa was congratulating herself on having bluffed her way through it, but she should have known she could not fool Margo. Her friend was intuitive and as sharp-eyed as an eagle.
When the other women prepared to return to the office, Margo announced that she had a dental appointment and would be in later. Alissa rose to leave, too, but Margo stopped her with a hand on her arm. "I have a few minutes to kill. Stay and have another glass of iced tea with me."
It had been a strain to keep up the happy charade throughout lunch. Alissa would have preferred to retreat to the solitude of her apartment and lick her wounds some more, but she could not think of an adequate excuse quickly enough.
"All right," she said, sinking back into the chair. "But I can't stay long."
The instant the others were out of earshot, Margo pounced. "All right. Spit it out. There's something wrong, and I want to know what it is."
"I … I don't know what you mean. Nothing is wrong. I know I look terrible, but that's just because I'm pregnant."
"Horsefeathers. Those dark circles and red-rimmed eyes are from crying. Nobody cries that many tears of joy. Now, out with it."
Alissa exhaled a long sigh, her shoulders sagging. When Margo got that look, it was pointless to argue. "It's Dirk."
"What about him?"
"He…" Emotion choked her, and she looked away and pressed her wobbling lips together. "He doesn't believe the baby is his."
"What? That bastard!" Margo spit with enough vehemence to draw the attention of several other diners. "Just wait until I get my hands on him. He may be a vice president, but I swear I'm going to tear a strip off that man, I don't care if he fires me on the spot. If I were a man, I'd horsewhip him."
"Margo, no! Please, don't say anything to Dirk. He … he thinks he has grounds for doubting me. It turns out he had a vasectomy several years ago."
"Oh, really?" Margo looked surprised, but she considered that piece of information for only a few seconds before coming to a conclusion. "Well, so what? He still should have known that you would never cheat on him. Maybe that little snip-snip job worked for a while, but obviously something has changed, because he's sure not shooting blanks anymore."
Her friend's earthy humor drew a watery smile from Alissa, the first one in three days. "I appreciate your support. I … I need that right now. You're a good friend. But promise me you won't say anything to Dirk just yet. Please, Margo."
"Oh, all right. I'll bite my tongue for a while. But it won't be easy." She put her hand over Alissa's and looked at her with concern. "So … what happens now?"
"I don't know. Dirk walked out when I told him, and I haven't heard from him since. That was four days ago. I … I don't even know where he is."
"Why don't you call him at the office?"
"He's working?" Alissa looked up
quickly, shock widening her eyes. Even as dedicated to his job as Dirk was, she had assumed that he would be too upset to work. She certainly couldn't have functioned in an office environment under the circumstances.
"He showed up yesterday morning, looking like he'd been dragged through hell. Several people commented on it. I must say, this certainly explains his bad mood. He's been on such a tear, people dive for cover when they see him coming their way."
Alissa's throat tightened. It was silly of her to care that Dirk was so upset, but her emotions seemed to be on a roller-coaster ride lately, roiling up to choke her over the least thing. Biting her trembling lower lip, Alissa looked down and fiddled with the end of her fork. "Yes. He was terribly upset when he left."
"So, what're you going to do? Sit back and wait for him to call the shots?"
"I don't have much choice."
"Sure you do. You could file for divorce."
Alissa's head came up. Her friend's image grew blurry as a wall of tears banked against her lower eyelids. "No, I can't. No matter how much he's hurt me, I still love him. And, whether he believes it or not, he is my baby's father." She shook her head. "I … I just couldn't do that." A tear spilled over, followed by another, and she sniffed and quickly wiped them away with her fingertips.
"Oh, damn. Now I've upset you. Jeez, kiddo, I'm sorry."
"It's okay. I seem to cry at the drop of a hat lately."
"Hey, that's normal in your condition. Anyway, you're entitled. Damn that Dirk for doing this to you. And just as I was beginning to think he was perfect for you after all. Are you sure you don't want me to give him the tongue-lashing he deserves?"
"I'm sure. This is a problem we have to work out between ourselves. But thanks anyway."
"Humph. If Dirk had trusted you like he should have, there wouldn't be a problem to work out."
Alissa's smile wobbled again, and she gave her friend's hand a squeeze. How ironic that Margo, the biggest cynic she knew, gave her unquestioning trust and her husband condemned her out of hand.