Head Above Water

by Caitlin Ricci

  Robbie and I shared a look, and I knew he really wasn’t up to doing this either. But unless we were really sick, Mom didn’t let us out of doing school stuff. That was kind of the problem with Mom homeschooling us all. In public school, back when I was a lot younger, I could be sick and come home to play video games. Even in Caleb’s house she seemed to know if we were faking it, though, and if we were caught we got double the homework. I hadn’t had that much work in about a year, and I wanted to keep it like that.

  Ben and Daniel came in a few minutes later, and Mom started teaching each of them while Robbie and I read about the Civil War. It wasn’t boring, but we had to keep nudging each other to stay awake. I was glad Mom didn’t see us doing that. Caleb might have wanted our help taking care of Hawk, but he didn’t need it, and time being around the foal, or getting to ride Magic, were things Mom could cut back from me. She hadn’t let me ride for two days once when I hadn’t cleaned up my room. Now I tried to keep it spotless, or as close to it as I possibly could manage, which sometimes wasn’t very well since I got busy, so that she didn’t take away my riding time.

  Robbie finished reading the chapter first, maybe because he’d actually been reading and I’d been paying more attention to him. We had notebooks on the island, each a different color with our names on the front of them, and Robbie got up to write the short essay in his.

  At least, that’s what I thought he’d been doing. But, while Mom had her back to us as she helped Ben with his math and Daniel was going over his college prep stuff, Robbie came back and slipped me a peanut butter cookie. I ate it quickly and saw him take another for himself. It wasn’t much of a breakfast, but that Robbie had thought of me made me smile as I kept reading.

  He came back again, this time wrapping his arm around my shoulders and leaning his head in close to mine. I smiled at him and felt my cheeks warm up a lot when he planted a big kiss on my cheek. “I think I love you,” he whispered, making me gasp as I turned my head to stare at him.

  “I think I love you too.” He smiled back at me, and then kissed me for real this time. Sometimes things were scary, because I didn’t know where we’d end up or what was going to happen. But sometimes, like right then, I felt like there was nothing in this world that could tear us apart.

  “Boys….” Mom gave us our first warning, and I bit back a groan as I smiled at Robbie.

  He pulled away and started doing his essay. Me, I’d barely managed to get halfway through the chapter, but I did get something on paper before the time was up. It was even a bit legible too, which made me pretty happy.

  “Break time?” I asked Mom hopefully, not really expecting her to say yes. But then she nodded.

  “Yes. You two have half an hour. Be back here by ten thirty.”

  “Thanks,” Robbie said, getting up from the island. Half an hour wasn’t much time to do anything, but I took his hand and pulled him into my room. We left the door open, because my parents would have had a fit otherwise, and then kicked off our shoes before flopping onto my bed together. We were wrapped around each other, and asleep, within a few minutes.

  MOM KNOCKED on my door right at ten thirty, and I groaned awake. I’d barely been able to get to sleep, but Robbie was drooling on my shoulder. He rolled away from me when I tried to wake him up. When shaking him didn’t work I went for the kisses and, before I realized he was actually awake, got him kissing me back.

  He wrapped his arms around my shoulders as I rolled over on top of him and for a few seconds, before my mom cleared her throat and knocked loudly on my door again, I forgot there was anyone else in the house.

  “Boys, stop kissing and come out here for your chemistry lesson,” Mom told us.

  I pulled away to see Robbie giving me a sleepy smile, the same kind he gave me late at night before we went to bed together. “We have to go,” he reminded me.

  “I was getting a head start on the lesson,” I said, making him laugh. We did get out of bed, though, and even if I was exhausted, I kind of wished I’d showered instead of sleeping. Then I wouldn’t feel so grungy. Couldn’t fix that now. I figured I’d shower during our lunch break, and maybe Robbie would too, and then we could be clean for a few hours before we went back to caring for the horses that night.

  I was too tired to go for a ride, but I’d never stop caring for them. And Magic was so old he’d probably prefer not to be ridden and just left to be a pasture pet that got groomed and loved on every day.

  I caught Robbie watching Daniel as we all learned about chemical bonds and exothermic reactions. He was frowning too, which I didn’t get. I wanted Robbie to give up on him already. Of course I didn’t know the Daniel he’d been before he’d moved to Colorado, but from what Robbie had said, he’d been different. Not much nicer, but definitely not someone that I had to worry about Robbie with. When Daniel looked over at us, I glared at him. Robbie was to my right, between Daniel and me, so he didn’t see me giving his brother dirty looks. But Daniel frowned at me. I didn’t care that he was bigger than me, or that he could be really mean. I wanted him to know that I didn’t like him, didn’t trust him, and didn’t want him around Robbie.

  Robbie may have been okay with him, and may have even wanted things to be good between them, but I didn’t see that happening, and really all I wanted was for Robbie to be as happy as possible. To me that meant Daniel not being around.

  The sooner he was out of Robbie’s life, the better Robbie would be for it. I was sure of this. Daniel rolled his eyes at me and went back to listening to my mom talk about compounds and reactions.

  I put my arm around Robbie’s back and rubbed him between his shoulder blades. Mom usually didn’t like us touching too much while we were in class, since it was kind of distracting, I guess, but she wasn’t telling me not to touch Robbie, so I kept doing it. And when he moved his hand to my knee under the table, I smiled. I’d been homeschooled for years before they’d moved to Colorado, ever since I’d been beaten up at my last school in LA, for coming out of all things, but having company was so much better than having my mom just teaching me. I still had to do all of my homework, but it was much easier to relax and listen without her whole attention focused on me like I was a bug she was afraid might jump on her.

  When it came time for lunch, we were given leftovers from Robbie’s birthday party, along with fresh pecan pie and vanilla ice cream. He took two helpings, and I grinned down into my pie. It was hard not to eat extra of my mom’s pie, but I remembered there were times Max stopped at just one piece or asked me to split one with him. He’d been worried about his body. Robbie didn’t seem to care as he dug in, but I remembered when he used to run all the time to stay in his show clothes.

  He didn’t do that so much anymore. He still showed, and I went to all the ones my parents let me, but when he’d grown out of his old clothes he’d taken to wearing a pair of nice black jeans, and a button-down shirt instead of the sparkly shirt with the fringe I’d seen him wear at the first show I’d followed him to. I thought he looked much better now.

  “What are you thinking about?” he asked me.

  “That I’m glad you’re no longer wearing your showing stuff, and look like a normal person when you show now,” I answered instantly.

  He grinned and hid his blush by ducking his head. “I like it more too, though it’s probably cost me a blue ribbon sometimes.”

  “More than one,” Daniel spoke up, surprising me. He still wore his shiny silver-and-black outfit with the green embroidery.

  Robbie nodded like he agreed with him. “But getting blue ribbons isn’t everything,” I reminded Robbie.

  Daniel snorted like he didn’t share my line of thinking. Ben looked a bit uncomfortable. But Robbie turned away from the pie he’d been devouring to give me a little smile that was barely even noticeable with all the crumbs and sticky syrup he had around his lips. “You’re right. Showing isn’t everything. It used to be all there was for me, but now I do it just for fun. As long as Witchcraft likes it, I’ll s
till go. Soon as she seems to be over it, though, I’m done.”

  “Really?” I asked him, completely surprised. Daniel and Ben were looking at him too, like they couldn’t believe what he’d just said.

  Robbie looked around at us and nodded. “Without having someone there pushing me to do it all the time, and making me feel like my whole value is in whether or not I get a damn blue ribbon, I’m realizing that I like doing other stuff too. Like going for trail rides. I like showing and competing, but the second Witchcraft seems like she’s done, I’m out.”

  Daniel shook his head. “You would have never said that if we hadn’t come here.”

  I was back to glaring at him. “Lots of things wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t come here. Like your dad would still be abusing Robbie,” I snapped.

  Daniel looked like he wanted to say something, and probably would have, if Mom hadn’t come back into the room from where she’d been helping Dad outside. “Everyone get enough to eat? Good. Wash up and get ready for class, then. And, boys, no fighting. First person I hear fighting gets double homework tonight.”

  Daniel and I managed not to argue after that. Neither of us wanted extra homework for any reason.

  Chapter Eleven

  Robbie

  LYING NEXT to Sam that night, I was having a hard time getting to sleep. It was like my brain wouldn’t shut off as I lay there, in a loop thinking about what we’d talked about, and how we could do other stuff besides sex. I knew I wasn’t ready for sex. Absolutely not. But talking to Trent and Uncle Caleb had made me realize that maybe there wasn’t anything to be afraid of. Maybe I didn’t have to keep comparing myself to Max in my mind and how great he was and how I freaked out when Sam so much as touched my butt.

  I figured if I did something first, instead of Sam starting everything we did and then me stopping him all the time, maybe that might be okay. It could go horribly too, though, with me putting the brakes on. But if I tried…. “Sam?” I whispered as quietly as I possibly could just in case he was actually asleep. I didn’t want to wake him up if he was.

  But he apparently wasn’t that sleepy either. “Yeah? You okay?”

  I nodded, but he couldn’t see it. “Yep. Could I…?” I had no idea how to say any of this. “Would you mind if I touched you?”

  Sam turned his head to look at me, and I rolled over onto my side so that I was facing him fully. “Uh… like how?”

  It was so dark in my room that I knew he couldn’t see me blushing. But my whole face felt like it was bright red. I couldn’t say the words, couldn’t even begin to say what I wanted to try to do to him. I was too chicken, and this was all so new. But I loved him, and he was my best friend. And he hadn’t made fun of me when I’d told him I was afraid of sex because I didn’t want to lose him. So maybe this would be okay too.

  I moved my hand to his stomach, and he seemed like he was barely breathing. “Is this wrong?” Did I already screw this all up?

  “No. You don’t have to do anything. You know that, right? I’m okay waiting. I won’t rush you ever again.”

  “Yes.” I did know that. Of course. But I wanted to. I leaned forward to kiss him, as softly as I could, as I moved my fingers lower. Sam wrapped his arm around my shoulders and kissed me back, just as gently. He jumped under my hand when I touched him, and I thought he was going to make me stop. “Please,” I whispered to him.

  “Okay.”

  WE WENT out to take care of Hawk an hour later. Sam’s turn wasn’t for another few hours, but I wasn’t going to leave him in my room without me. Not when being with him was so much better. He held my hand, and though we really hadn’t talked much after what I’d done to him, it seemed to be okay. It wasn’t sex, but it was something, and I was good with it.

  Hawk was asleep when we came in, but as soon as we made up the bottle for him from the cans of formula the rescue had given Uncle Caleb, he was wide awake and trying to look at us over the top of the stall door. But he was much too short for that.

  We wrapped ourselves in the blanket I’d brought down again, and pulled Hawk between us. Sam silently stroked him while I fed him.

  “Are you all right?” he asked after Hawk had nearly finished the bottle. It was the first time either of us had spoken since we’d left the house.

  I nodded, and in the dim overhead light I saw him smile at me. “It wasn’t weird or anything like that. I’m sorry I was so worried.”

  “Don’t be.” Sam leaned over Hawk’s back to kiss me.

  “Was I okay?” I didn’t want to know if I was as good at it as Max. I couldn’t ask him that. I didn’t think I could take his answer if Max was so much better at it. But I wanted to make sure I’d done a decent job, that I hadn’t screwed it up or hurt him somehow. I didn’t want the first sex thing I’d ever tried to do to be a complete and utter failure.

  Sam quickly nodded. “You were.” Hawk was done with the bottle, and I let him go. As soon as my hands were free, Sam took my right one. He came into my arms, right between my legs, and I hugged him tightly with his back against my chest. The blanket fell around us, but it was warm enough out that I didn’t rush to try to fix it.

  “Max….” I cringed at him saying his ex’s name. “He always had me take care of myself. When we were done, I mean.”

  “Huh?” I was no expert in sex, clearly, but I thought that wasn’t how it was supposed to go.

  “He never did that to me. We have another first. Dancing, holding hands in town, sharing milkshakes, buying condoms, and now this.”

  That put a giant grin all over my face. “Awesome. Feeding a foal too.”

  “And falling asleep together in a bed.”

  There was that too. “Thanks for letting me. I was scared you wouldn’t.”

  Sam covered his hands with mine and laughed. Then I thought he kept laughing, but I quickly started to realize that Sam had stopped laughing, and the sound I was hearing was coming from another of the stalls. We got up and went to see what was going on.

  When I saw Cleric standing there in his stall, nipping at his left side like it was hurting him, I went into a panic. “Get his halter on him and take him to the arena!” I told Sam as I started running toward the house. He shouted after me, but I didn’t hear what he’d said because I was already out of the barn.

  I was at the house seconds later, my heart hammering in my chest. We’d gone out the window, and I hadn’t taken my keys or my phone, but I did stand there ringing the doorbell and pounding on the door until I was sure I’d woken everyone in the house. That was my hope at least. Trent yanked the door open and stared at me. “What the hell—”

  I didn’t have time to explain, so I ducked under his arm and raced up the stairs to Daniel’s room. Of course he was the only one who hadn’t come out to stare at me. I tried his door, but it was locked. So I started banging.

  “Daniel! Get up!” I shouted at him through the door. I heard him moving around in there so I kept banging.

  “Robbie, what’s going on?” Uncle Caleb asked.

  I shook my head. Daniel had to get to the barn. That’s all I cared about right then. He’d know what to do more than any of us. He had the most experience with horses, even more than Uncle Caleb. He’d know how to help Cleric.

  “There’s something wrong with Cleric!” I screamed at him through his damn door.

  That got him to open it, though why he looked like he was dressed to go out at almost midnight I had no idea. He didn’t say anything to me, just pushed me out of the way as he ran down the stairs. He didn’t even put on shoes. I hadn’t taken mine off, and I’d tracked in mud. But Uncle Caleb could be mad at me about it later as I chased after Daniel, with everyone following along behind us.

  Sam had Cleric in the arena, and he was still up, thankfully. Without saying a word, Daniel took the lead from Sam, and I grabbed Cleric’s blond tail. “Is it colic?” I asked Daniel.

  He looked worried. No, actually, in the bright overhead lights of the arena he looked downright s
cared. More so than I’d seen him even on the night Mom had died and our lives had been changed so very much.

  “Call the vet!” he barked at Uncle Caleb, like he had any right to give our uncle orders like that. But Uncle Caleb was already on the phone, not more than three yards from us, with everyone else. Even Sam’s parents had come out of their house to see what was going on.

  “We need to keep him up, keep him walking,” Daniel told me.

  I nodded. I knew what to do if Cleric had colic. But I’d never taken care of a colicky horse before. I’d seen Dan do it. And sometimes Daniel had helped him. But I’d never helped. Not like I was now.

  Uncle Caleb came forward, bringing everyone else with him as we walked Cleric around the center of the arena. “The vet will be here in half an hour. His name is Kai, and he’s coming from a call in Estes Park. What can we do to help?”

  “Keep him up,” Daniel quietly said as he stroked Cleric’s golden face. They all helped the best they could, Sam coming right up next to me and keeping his hand on Cleric’s hip right by mine.

  The first time Cleric tried to lie down was ten minutes later. Daniel managed to keep him up by pulling on his head, and I pulled on his tail and pushed his butt, making him move, when all he wanted to do was stop.

  Kai came earlier than Uncle Caleb had said, and he looked worried too. He had us stop him, and Cleric started kicking at his belly. Kai checked his gums, his pulse, and listened to him breathe, before taking his temperature.

  “What has he had to eat lately? Anything different?”

  Sam shook his head. “I feed them morning and evening; nothing’s changed.”

  Kai nodded and started pressing on his belly. Cleric put his ears back, which was weird for him, and Daniel had to hold his head as he tried to move forward and away from the vet and his probing hands.

  Stepping back, Kai shook his head, then listened to his stomach. “How’s his water intake been? Peeing regularly?”