Head Above Water

by Caitlin Ricci

  “One of the empty pastures,” I told him instantly. I didn’t want to be too far away from Witchcraft. I didn’t think I’d lose her like Daniel had with Cleric, but I still wanted to be able to see her. And that meant staying close. Just for today. Plus, I was bareback. There was no saddle to slide into that fit perfectly around me. I kept having to catch myself from dropping my toes instead of keeping my ankles down, since I didn’t have stirrups. But I did get to wrap my arms around Sam’s stomach like this.

  I didn’t comment on how he held his reins, or how bad his posture was when his spine should have been much more erect to give him a better seat in the nonexistent saddle. He rode because he enjoyed it. Not because someone had been pushing him to get blue ribbons, and training him to do so, before he even started kindergarten. I was trying to be more like him. So I didn’t correct my posture when I started to slide.

  But I absolutely drew the line at dropping my toes. Ears, shoulders, elbows, hips, and heels all had to be in alignment. I knew that as well as I knew my ABC’s or what two plus two was. And I wouldn’t slip more on that than I already was as we plodded along in one of the empty pastures. We weren’t in Cleric’s pasture. I hadn’t asked Sam not to go in there, but he hadn’t. Instead we were in the north pasture, which bordered the government land that ran along the back of Uncle Caleb’s property. We were a bit away from the houses, but I could still see Witchcraft as she grazed. Blue was trying to graze near her. He wasn’t part of their duo, but I didn’t worry too much about him fitting in with them once Magic came back to the pasture with him. Magic looked to Witchcraft to make decisions for him, and Blue was almost a younger, less pony-like version of Magic, so I had no doubt everything would be okay with them again. Cleric, Witchcraft, and Blue had shared a pasture back in Kentucky.

  Thinking about him again made me sad, and I rested my cheek against Sam’s shoulder. It was weird, but I liked seeing him in my T-shirt. The shorts I didn’t care about. But the shirt he had on was one I’d had for years, one of my favorites that my mom had given me for my birthday one year when I hadn’t wanted anything but horse stuff.

  I wrapped my arms a little more tightly around him and watched Witchcraft as we plodded along in the big pasture. She kept raising her head and looking over to the empty pasture beside her as if she knew Cleric was gone and he wasn’t coming back. They hadn’t been best friends or anything like that, not like I was with Sam, but he’d been part of her herd, and I thought she was hurting too. She’d lost a friend. So had Blue, and maybe even Magic too. They’d shared a barn, and their pastures had been next to each other for months.

  It made me sad thinking about it, and I had to let go of Sam to wipe at my eyes. He didn’t make Magic go any faster than a walk, which normally Witchcraft and I would have been bored with. We both liked going faster, exploring, and trying new things. But today I was completely fine just to hang on to Sam so tightly there was no space between us as Magic moved along at his own pace.

  Sam didn’t say anything, which was fine for me. I didn’t need him to. I was so lost in my own tangled mess of thoughts that I wasn’t really paying much attention to anything other than how good he felt to rest against, and how sad Witchcraft looked as she paced at a walk along the fence without having Cleric there to nuzzle over it. “You okay?” Sam asked.

  I nodded against his shoulder. “Yeah. Just thinking. I’d be devastated if I lost Witchcraft.”

  “Me too. I can’t imagine losing Magic.”

  I didn’t even want to try. “Poor Daniel.”

  “He’s a jerk, but yeah, still poor him.”

  That made me smile but just a little. “You know, at some point you’re going to have to like him.”

  “Why?” He asked me that like he had no idea why I would want him to get along with my brother. It made me laugh.

  “Because you want to be with me in five years, like we were talking about. Right?”

  He let go of one of Magic’s makeshift reins to cover my right hand and move his fingers between mine. “I was hoping for a little longer than that.”

  It was weird, and it was crazy for me to be thinking about being with someone five years from now, but I didn’t question that with Sam. Of course we’d be together in five years, or ten. “Me too.”

  “Think Caleb will know that I’m sneaking into your room by then?” he joked, which made me smile, and I lifted my head to kiss the back of his neck.

  I had no idea. “By then I hope you’ll be able to walk around like you live there too. Like Trent does. Or maybe he’ll let us rent his townhouse or something. Then we could board our horses here, and it would still only be a ten-minute walk to take care of them.”

  “I hope to have a truck by then. Something big that I can haul our horses around in. Then we could go camping all the time with them.”

  I really liked that idea. “Sounds great. I’ve never been camping with them. Trailered them lots of times for shows and stuff, but never for camping, or anything else relaxing like that. I’d like to do that with you. A horse vacation sounds awesome.”

  “Yeah, it does.”

  We’d have to get jobs and stuff, but I wasn’t thinking about that too much. I’d be eighteen next year, and so would he, and we’d go to college, then we’d figure it all out. I wasn’t so worried about it since I knew he’d be there with me. And that meant everything would be okay.

  “Hey, have you ever considered telling Joe that he’s your dad?”

  I was surprised by his question, and I didn’t have an answer ready for him. “No…. Maybe. I’m not sure I’d want him knowing. I mean, I had a dad. And he turned out to be horrible to me. What if Joe wants to try to get custody of me or something? Then he’d try to take me away from here, and I couldn’t handle that. If he did I’d get on the first bus right back here and hide out in the barn until I turned eighteen, and he couldn’t make me live with him anymore.”

  “I wouldn’t want you to be taken away either. You could hide in my room. Mom doesn’t go in there anymore since I’m supposed to be cleaning it myself.”

  I smirked. His idea of cleaning was to shove his dirty clothes under the bed except when his mom was looking. I wasn’t a whole lot better, since my own laundry basket was overflowing. Luckily I had clothes to last me for weeks before I really got desperate enough to see if I could steal something from Daniel’s room.

  IT WAS practically noon when I went back into the house. I was going to go straight to my room and try to take a nap since I hadn’t had much sleep at all the night before, but when I saw that Daniel’s door was closed, meaning he was in there, I wanted to stop and say hi. Checking on my brother was important after something so horrible had happened to him. I knocked, and heard him talking to someone, but he didn’t come to the door. So I knocked again. He continued to ignore me, which annoyed me, and I opened the door.

  “I was knocking,” I told him before he could yell at me for coming in.

  But as soon as I saw what he was doing, and what was on his computer screen, I shut the door hard and leaned back against the wall. He’d been watching porn, which, fine, wasn’t a big deal. I’d watched it a few times too. But he was watching guy porn.

  He yanked the door open and glared at me. “What the hell is your problem?” he demanded.

  “Are you gay?” I asked him. I was trying to be quiet, but I don’t think I succeeded because he cringed as if he was afraid someone else would hear us.

  “No way in hell. I’m not like you freaks.”

  That made me mad instantly. “I’m not a freak. You’re a dick. And Uncle Caleb is gay and so is Trent and if you say that to Sam’s face I’ll….” I was going to tell him that I’d hit him, but I wouldn’t. We both knew that. So I went with my next best option. “I’ll let Sam hit you, and I won’t stop him this time.”

  He rolled his eyes at me and crossed his arms over his chest. It made him look scary, but I wasn’t afraid of him. I was more confused than anything. “If you’re not gay,
why were you watching porn?”

  “I wasn’t,” he instantly lied.

  “I saw you. You were on the hunks site.”

  He was glaring at me now as he leaned against the wall. No one had overheard us talking, yet, but I knew that wouldn’t last forever. “You’re so disgusting. And unnatural. Men who have sex with men are wrong and deserve whatever comes to them.”

  Now that was something I’d heard before. But not from him. “You need to think for yourself and stop saying whatever Dan used to say to us when he was being a jerk. He was wrong. I’m not disgusting or unnatural. I’m completely normal and being with Sam makes me happy. And Uncle Caleb and Trent are happy with each other.”

  I shook my head at him and wondered if this was the thing that made him so screwed-up. If being gay, and knowing what his dad used to say about guys who were gay, was the thing that made him so angry all the time. “You need some serious help.”

  “I’m not the one doing unnatural acts with a nig—”

  I should have tried harder not to punch him, but wow he’d crossed the line so hard right then, and I ended up punching him in the eye. I didn’t remember getting on top of him, or continuing to punch him, but at some point Trent pulled me off him and held my arms across my chest so that I couldn’t lash out at Daniel anymore.

  “You don’t call him that!” I screamed at Daniel instead. “You ever say the n-word around me, or him, again and I’ll mess you up bad!”

  Uncle Caleb had been looking at us like we’d both been crazy up until that point. But once I’d said that, he turned and stared at Daniel. “Did you call Sam that?” he asked Daniel, his voice soft. I stopped struggling in Trent’s arms as I waited to see if Daniel would lie to Uncle Caleb.

  Daniel had blood dripping down his cheek, and his eye was pretty messed up, but he looked up at Uncle Caleb and nodded. “Little gay boy freak’s right. I did say that.”

  I saw Uncle Caleb clench his fist at his side, and I thought he was going to punch Daniel too, and for a second there I wanted Uncle Caleb to because maybe he would be strong enough to get Daniel to stop being such a complete and utter jerk. Whatever had changed for him when Mom died, whoever this person was, I didn’t know him anymore and I hadn’t for a year. And I didn’t want to live with him anymore either.

  “If he stays here, I’m moving in with Sam,” I told Uncle Caleb. Daniel was wrong about me and he was wrong about Sam and I didn’t want him anywhere near me. And more than that, I didn’t want Sam to possibly hear him saying the n-word at some point. Sam didn’t deserve that, and I knew he would have kicked Daniel’s butt for even calling me a freak.

  Trent came around me, but kept his hand on my shoulder, maybe in case I decided to strangle Daniel or something. Yes, he’d just lost Cleric, and I felt horrible for him, but that wasn’t a new excuse for him to be such a jerk. He didn’t get a free ride to do that whenever, and however, he wanted.

  “Robbie, you’re staying in this house,” Trent told me. I opened my mouth to instantly argue with him. “But Daniel, you just dropped a nuclear bomb on the last shred of reason there was to keep you here. You have five minutes to get everything you absolutely need together. I’ll take you to the doctor’s office to get cleaned up, but then you’re going to my townhouse. You can get more stuff later, but you’ll only have sixty days to get your act together before we’re done with you entirely. This attitude of yours is so far beyond messed up.”

  “Trent. Come on, no. He’s only a kid,” Uncle Caleb said.

  Trent shook his head, and he looked like he was prepared to win any fight. “No. He refused to go to counseling. He’s a terror to his little brother. He’s eighteen, and he acts like a baby having a twenty-four-hour tantrum. I’m sick of seeing it, and I’m sick of hearing how worried you are about him. I love you, and we haven’t been out of the house for a date longer than an hour in months because you’re afraid of what he’s going to do to Robbie or Ben or even Sam. He needs to grow up, and if being nice to him and letting him figure out his own mess of issues isn’t working, then this might, because frankly I’m done having him here with you all.”

  Uncle Caleb didn’t look like he wanted to argue anymore. And I hadn’t realized it had been that bad for them. I’d never been afraid of Daniel doing anything to me or Ben. I’d been worried about him, but I’d never been scared. Looking at Uncle Caleb now, though, I saw that he was actually scared. Maybe I’d missed something. Maybe I should have been afraid of Daniel. But I couldn’t make myself fear my big brother.

  “Can I help you pack?” I asked him. I wanted to be helpful, for some stupid reason, even though I’d just given him a black eye, and he’d started to call my boyfriend a really bad name.

  Uncle Caleb shook his head at me. “Go wash up, then get Ben and wait downstairs. You can both say bye to him there.”

  Daniel wasn’t looking at me as I turned away from him, but once I was in the bathroom I did hear him slam the door. I had blood on my hands and my knuckles were kind of scraped up. Nothing too bad, though. I’d had worse when I’d fallen down and scraped up my palms on asphalt one day when I’d been racing Ben to the car in a parking lot.

  Ben was waiting for me when I got out. “What happened?”

  “I had a fight with Daniel. He’s gonna go live at Trent’s for a bit,” I explained to him.

  Ben nodded, as if that all made sense. “Is Trent staying here, then?”

  I didn’t really know, but I figured, since Trent didn’t really seem to like Daniel much, that he was. “Maybe. Probably. I guess.”

  “Okay. You done? I need to pee.”

  I got out of the way so Ben could use the bathroom, and then headed downstairs, where I sat myself down on the comfy couch that faced the big windows and the deck with the pine trees beyond it. I took out my phone and texted Sam. Daniel is gonna go live at Trent’s place for a bit.

  Sam’s text came back to me within a minute. I wondered what he was doing in the house down the hill. If he was sitting around looking at the same pine trees I was. He better not burn it down before we get to rent it after college. That’s our first place together after all.

  His reply made me snicker, but I wasn’t laughing long, as Trent practically marched Daniel down the stairs in front of him. Daniel had a backpack and a duffel bag over his arm, but that was it, and the stupidest part about it was that I suddenly didn’t want him to go. Mom died, and then Dan was arrested, but it had always been the three of us. Now it wasn’t going to be. Sure, he was just a ten-minute walk down Main Street, but that didn’t matter much because for the first time in our lives, we were going to be living apart, and that made me sad. He was a jerk, and I didn’t like him much at all, but he was still my big brother.

  I got up from the couch and went by the door. “See you soon,” I said to him.

  “Probably not.”

  I didn’t know what that was supposed to mean, but Trent shook his head. “Don’t take it personally that he seems hell-bent on being ridiculous right now.” I nodded. I guess I could understand that. But my brother telling me I probably wouldn’t see him again anytime soon wasn’t a great feeling.

  Actually, it downright sucked.

  Sam was in the driveway when Ben and I followed Trent and Daniel out. He came over and took my hand, and I gave Sam’s hand a squeeze. He was awesome for being there for me, as if he knew this was going to be weird for me to say bye to Daniel, even though it was only going to be a short time. Uncle Caleb came up behind us and put a hand on both my shoulder and Ben’s. I was glad for his support. I needed it right now.

  “He’ll be okay, right?” I asked Uncle Caleb, as Trent put him in the back of the patrol car and, after a wave to all of us, started backing out of the driveway.

  Uncle Caleb nodded. “He’ll be fine. Trent will give him some money for groceries for the next two months, and he’ll check on him too. It’ll be good for him to be on his own for a little bit.”

  I wasn’t all that convinced, and by th
e way Uncle Caleb sounded, I wasn’t so sure he was convinced either. “I’m sorry we’re so much trouble for you.”

  He steered us all back inside, where he put down a plate of cookies Sam’s mom had made a few days before, and gave us all glasses of milk. He pulled out a beer for himself. “You’re not,” he said, leaning across the island toward the three of us as we munched on the cookies. They weren’t the freshest, but none of us were going to turn down awesome cookies either. “None of you are. Daniel’s just got some stuff to work out. That’s all this is.”

  “Do you know if he’s really gay?” I asked Uncle Caleb, earning me shocked looks from both Ben and Sam on either side of me.

  Uncle Caleb frowned at me, then took his time stalling as he ate a cookie instead of answering me. “I know that he’s confused, and angry. I don’t know that he’s gay, but I know that he’s questioning who he is right now. And Dan had a big part in messing him up pretty badly.”

  I didn’t know what he meant, but I guess I could kind of see that. “He sounds like him a lot of the time. Like he’s some stupid puppet just saying whatever Dan told him to.”

  Uncle Caleb looked really sad as he nodded. Ben took another cookie, and Sam wrapped his hand around mine on the island. It was good to have him so close. And I was really glad he hadn’t been at the house when Daniel had been so mean. It was one thing for me to hear that word, but I didn’t ever want Sam to hear it. I leaned over and rested my head on his shoulder.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Sam

  TRENT CAME back about half an hour later, looking completely fed up like Mom did when she’d been pushed to her limit with me. Usually with her it was about cleaning my room, but even though I didn’t know what had happened, I knew enough to realize that most likely wasn’t what was going on here. Something had gone really wrong with Daniel and everyone else, and I couldn’t say I was really all that surprised.