Anyway, she was new to Islam. I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt, and accept that maybe she did think that I wouldn’t mind her marrying my husband. Maybe she was sincere about it. After all, my sister Elouise thought polygamy was the Islamic way and didn’t understand why I was so upset. I think Elouise was being sarcastic though. People all think differently, and we sometimes have to make allowances for other’s opinions when they differ from ours.
Alec said he thought that I was a believer, and I wouldn’t mind being in a polygamous marriage. His words were hogwash to me. If he thought that I was a believer and wouldn’t mind suddenly being thrust into a polygamous marriage, then why didn’t he sit down and discuss it with me instead of telling me how it would be?
He knew all along that I wouldn’t go for it, which was evident in the way that he delivered it to me. He had such a difficult time telling me about it in the first place.
If he thought I wouldn’t mind because I’m a believer, why didn’t he tell me that Naima and he were making the plans and arrangement? Why didn’t he tell me the evening at his mom’s house when he had expected Carolyn to be there instead of me. What he said was an untruth that he thought I’d be okay with it because I’m a believer.
What Alec said got me to think about being a believer and what it entails. He had said a mouthful. Now I thought about being a believer and what a believer was, along with its attendant responsibilities.
It was a moment of truth for me. At that very moment, I realized that I was not a believer. It was an eye opener for me and a humbling experience. All this time, I had thought that I was something that I wasn’t.
God says that we must accept the entire Quran. We must accept the whole Book or we are no better than an unbeliever. We don’t get to choose the parts that are convenient for us and then say, I like this part and will follow it, and I don’t like that part, so I won’t follow it. We don’t get to do that. It just doesn’t work that way.
With the Glorious Book, The Holy Quran, it’s all or nothing. God didn’t say we have to live a polygamous life. The question is: while polygamy is not compulsory, does one have a choice to hate it, if one is a believer? Polygamy is a part of Islam and shouldn’t be hated by anyone. Suffice to say, I had no right to dislike polygamy.
Shouldn’t a believer want for his brother-in-faith (sister-in-faith) what he wants for himself? Yes. A believer should. I pray that God increases my faith and truly lets me want for my brother-in-faith (or sister-in-faith) what I want for myself, even when it’s not convenient for me. I’m not saying that Carolyn is a sister-in-faith. I honestly don’t know what she is; although I have my thoughts about it.
Alec came home early one day soon thereafter and asked me to forgive him. This was not the first time. He had asked me to forgive him a number of times after he had married Carolyn. I was a bit confused and wasn’t sure what he was asking forgiveness for. Now, let’s see, was it for marrying Carolyn? Was his request for forgiveness for hurting me? Or was it for both reasons or something else?
These were all questions that I asked myself but never directed them at Alec. I never asked him for clarification. There were many things that I didn’t ask Alec to elaborate on. During this time in our lives, Alec and I didn’t communicate well. I don’t think he and I ever communicated well, come to think of it.
A problem that I had with Alec was that there was no mutual consultation between him and me before he made his intent to marry Carolyn. He made up his mind that he was going to engage in polygamy, without first speaking to me about it. He made himself God and charted a course for my life.
How could he make a decision on such a serious matter that would affect my life, and not get my input? God tells us in the Holy Quran to conduct all our affairs with mutual consultation. Alec must not have known, had forgotten, or maybe just ignored that injunction, because he did the exact opposite.
How could I forgive him for hurting me when I was constantly in pain as a result of his marriage to Carolyn? It was causing me unbearable agony and suffering? Could I forgive him for marrying her when he was still married to both her and me?
Alec was asking for my forgiveness, but nothing had changed, and the source of my pain still existed. Carolyn was still a part of his life and by extension my life. Alec didn’t give me a chance to have a say in the matter. He had decided it for me and was now asking for my forgiveness.
Each time Alec asked me for my forgiveness, I thought that he had some compassion in his heart for me. Maybe he was indeed remorseful. Nonetheless, I’d sometimes throw gibes at Alec about what he had done. He never really said anything long or profound about it. He’d simply say, “I know you won’t forgive me.” It made me sad when he’d say it.
I wasn’t just going about my day living polygamy. I don’t think a day had gone by that I hadn’t thought about polygamy as a part of my life. Even though not all the days were bad and there were some good ones, nothing completely removed the thought that my husband is married to another woman and me at the same time.
Vacations didn’t help either. Alec spent more money on me after he married Carolyn than before he did. It didn’t make any difference. I thought if I demanded more money from Alec, it would make him miserable and make me feel better. I was only deluding myself because it didn’t happen. No matter what I demanded from Alec, it didn’t change what I was going through. I was still hurting.
I thought I’d feel much better, the more upset and hurt that he was. However, it didn’t work that way. It seemed as though nothing made a difference for the better. Nothing Alec said to me erased the pain or removed my constant thoughts about living in a polygamous marriage.
Alec tried to reach me. He wanted to help me, but he couldn’t. Nothing that he did helped, and he tried with might and with main. The pain and the awful thoughts lingered. The most difficult thought of all was that of him having sex with Carolyn. The thought was constant. It never let up. Those were the most agonizing and tormenting moments of my life in polygamy.
During my quiet moments, I asked myself if Alec had anything to ask me to forgive him for. God allows polygamy. Thus, if Alec decides to engage in polygamy, why should I have a problem with him about it? I was beginning to realize more and more each day that the real problem that I was having wasn’t with Alec or Carolyn, but was with myself.
I realize that somehow I have to find the strength to learn to accept polygamy. It’s slow, and sometimes it gets tiring, but I’m trying to accept the turn that my life has taken. I’m trying to accept the fact that if Alec engaged in polygamy for the right reasons and in the right way or not, it was a matter between him and God.
His accountability is to God and not to me. It’s the same as with me. I have to account to God for all that I do. I need to take greater cognizance of that fact.
Can I forgive Alec? Has he wronged me? I know certainly, first and foremost, Alec should concern himself with God’s forgiveness. The pain of living in polygamy and the thoughts of it lessened considerably each day the more that I prayed and remembered God.
I had known this before, but the noise in my head had made it impossible for me to listen to God. The noise was the whispers of Satan. Praying salat prayers and remembering God were the keys to me getting stronger.
Accepting Polygamy Isn’t Easy
I think it’s harder to be the woman who married the husband first in a polygamous marriage. The reason for this isn’t farfetched. The husband and the wife have bonded already in love. She has taken possession of her husband and doesn’t want anyone else to have him.
The woman who joins the existing marriage has to form that bond with her husband. She hasn’t formed an emotional attachment yet. The emotional attachment happens when they become intimate with each other and share. It’s usually then that love enter her heart for her husband.
When the emotion of love kicks in, she gets an instant reality check. She realizes that living a polygamous lifestyle isn’t as easy when it’s not just a
thought. She realizes that she wants her husband all to herself, the same way the first wife had him. When love kicks in, it becomes a period of stark reality without the rose colored trimmings. I wanted Carolyn to get that reality check sooner rather than later.
How were we going to deal with the holidays? The non-Muslim holidays that came soon after Alec married Carolyn were easy for me to get through. He was with me on New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day, because the schedule fell that way. Over the years, before he became polygamous, I was used to Alec and I being off from work on those days, and we’d spend the time together even though we didn’t celebrate.
The next holiday was Valentine’s Day. Now, that is one holiday that is difficult and almost impossible to ignore. One can’t very well close her eyes to the flowers, candies, and cards, etc. that are advertised in the stores, on TV and basically everywhere. There is no escaping from seeing and being reminded that the day is fast approaching.
It’s a special day in which one is supposed to be with the special one whom one loves. Everything was commercially designed carefully to make sure that it was alive in one’s consciousness. It seemed as though everywhere I turned, there was a reminder of Valentine’s day. Being in a polygamous marriage only magnified the importance of that holiday.
How could a husband be with one of his wives and not the other and the other one not feel bad? It’s a day to be with the one whom you love. The lyrics came to mind from a song, “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.” The thought must go through the wife’s mind that he must not love her, because he isn’t there with her. I’m sure it’s a sad and lonely day for some wives in polygamous marriages.
The first Valentine’s Day, which was two months after Alec married Carolyn, was a tough one for me. I had already sunk into a deep melancholy and was very sad. I didn’t think about going to work that day. I simply couldn’t. There was no way that I could fool myself into believing that I could make it through that day being at work.
I was too overwhelmed with the feeling of sorrow, and I was unable to bring myself to do anything whatsoever. I stayed in bed all morning. I just laid there and barely moved. I was paralyzed in body and mind. It was a new feeling for me that I hadn’t had before that I can remember.
At midmorning, to my surprise, Alec came home. I didn’t know he had entered the house until he came into our bedroom. It never crossed my mind that he would come home to see me that day.
He said, “I knew you didn’t go to work today.” He appeared sad. He lethargically looked through his closet (we both have our own), as though he had come there specifically to get something. He didn’t seem to be looking very hard. It was as though he pretended to look. I suppose he wanted a reason to be here, so it wouldn’t be obvious that he came here just to see me.
I didn’t get up when he came into the room. I was lying there motionless still unable to move. After a moment or two of looking through the closet, he slowly came to the bed and sat there beside me. It was as though neither one of us had to speak a word. Our emotions were in tune. I said,
“Can you be with me?”
“Yes. You’re my wife, aren’t you?”
It was all that we had to say. So, we were together as one. We fell asleep in each other’s arms and after a few hours, he left. It was Carolyn’s night.
I don’t think most men think it through thoroughly before they engage in polygamy. Alec said he didn’t think things through. He just went with the moment’s flow. He didn’t consider the details that were such an intricate part of living.
An example of such detail is: Where would everyone live? Alec does not like living in NY. He says it’s too expensive. I, on the other hand, like it here and I don’t care about the cost. I firmly believe that God will provide. Before our lives had taken a leap in another direction, he had been talking to me about us moving. Alec was already thinking about his retirement, which was some years away.
He often brought the subject up of where we would live when he retires. We are different in that regard, as my mind doesn’t think that far ahead. I simply take a day at a time and live without trying too much to outline how each day would be.
I had agreed that I’d live wherever Alec wanted us to when I stop working. The agreement was contained in our Islamic contract that Alec never signed. I didn’t hold myself bound to that contract. I considered it to be invalid.
Once Alec intended to marry Carolyn, he offered to sign it. I said, “The contract is null and void.” He didn’t sign it when he was supposed to, and the only reason he wanted to do it now was for his own benefit.
We put that conversation to rest for the time being about where we would live. I didn’t think we’d broach the conversation again so soon.
A few weeks later, Alec and I went away again on an overnight trip. That night, we were having a conversation when he said,
“Where do you want to live? He said, “I keep asking you and asking you where you want to live.”
Well, yes, he keeps asking me, but I need my question answered first, before I could answer his. “Will Carolyn be going with us?”
“Yes, of course. What do you think?” He had got to be joking, but I could tell that he wasn’t. There is just no end to the freaked out things that Alec keeps asking of me,
“I’m not going anywhere with you and that woman,” I said.
I thought he must be crazy. I wasn’t finished:
“What am I supposed to do in a strange State, with no family or friends there, while you are laid up with Carolyn?” The words just kept right on coming, “Do you expect me to sit on the couch, look at the walls, and imagine what you and Carolyn are doing? Should I imagine that the two of you are wrapped up in each other’s arms while watching TV or doing come what may?”
How selfish is that? He would be with one of us each night while she and I spent nights alone in some strange town. I’d have no friends or family there, nor any familiar surroundings. Talk about “depress-ville,” I’d be in it. I wasn’t down for that, and I made sure that Alec new it. I didn’t beat around the bush. I made it perfectly and plainly clear to him what I don’t intend to do. I don’t intend to move with him anywhere with Carolyn.
It was those type of pestering questions such as, “Will you teach her Islam?” that kept coming at me from him. He kept slapping me upside the head with his idiotic requests and questions.
I said to Alec point blank, once and for all, that I was not going anyplace with him and that woman. I said, “You could move anywhere and everywhere that you so wish with her and you could come and visit me.” But of course he’d have to continue to pay for my household expenses.
I was getting very agitated, although that wasn’t exactly anything new nowadays. The stress of living in a polygamous marriage was taking a toll on me. I was beginning to feel as though I didn’t exist just the way Carolyn wanted. I wasn’t feeling that I mattered. I was just supposed to give and give and give and keep on giving. I guess he thought I was supposed to be the “energizing bunny.” How was I supposed to go and live near a woman whom I abhor?
Carolyn never contacted me. I hadn’t spoken with her. I hadn’t received a message from her. Nothing. Something wasn’t right. It’s not polygamy in Islam. It seemed more as though Alec was having an affair. I keep saying it and I keep thinking it. My heart keeps saying that an affair is what it is.
I asked Alec again, “When am I going to meet Carolyn?”
“She doesn’t want to meet you, doesn’t want to see you, doesn’t want to hear you, and doesn’t want to know that you exist.”
Wow! You think that was bad? He wasn’t finished. He stated, “She said that she’s not ready for you yet.” She’s not ready for me yet? Well, I’ll be darned. She wasn’t ready for me and polygamy, but she was ready for my husband alright.
I was infuriated. I was red Chile pepper hot infuriated. I was fuming. How dare she? She had the audacity to encroach upon my marriage, planned and plotted
a relationship with my husband behind my back, and insinuates that I have to like it or leave my husband.
The fact that he was already married to me when she agreed to hook back up with him was not a secret. She’s the intruder. She agreed to marry my husband and had the audaciousness to wish me out of existence. Well, I don’t think so. Whether she like it or not, I exist. And right then, I made a decision to make my presence known.
One Sunday, Alec asked me to go with him to visit his mom. I said that I’d go. All the while, I was keeping close tabs on Alec. After all, I didn’t want him to sneak off to Carolyn’s house while I was unaware.
Now I was a super suspicious person, and I needed to keep tabs on him at all times. If I’m with him, I know exactly where he is, obviously. On a second thought, I decided to pay Carolyn a phone visit. I’m thinking she needs a reminder of my existence and before he and I left for his mom’s, I telephoned her.
I left a voice mail message on her cell phone. I wasn’t exactly in a warm and fuzzy mood, so you could probably guess at what I might have said. It went something like this:
“How does it feel to pretend to be a wife? I was just wondering how it feels to pretend to be married. And who gets married on a weekday? It is something foreign to me, so I just thought I would ask you how it feels and what it’s like. I had a nice wedding, a fabulous reception, and a two-week honeymoon. You didn’t have that so; there has to be a world of difference between the two.” I said, “I hope you don’t mind me asking. I was just wondering.” I then ended the call.
Before Alec and I left our home to go visit his mom, I called Ali, my wali. I said, “I just called Carolyn and left her a nasty voice mail message.” He said, “Call Carolyn and apologize to her.” Of course, I refused to do it. I wasn’t sorry for what I had done. Furthermore, I was in my right frame of mind when I called her. I knew exactly what I did and why I did it. It would make absolutely no sense to apologize for something that I wasn’t sorry for.
The Silent Tears of Polygamy Page 10