So Alec and I left to go to his mom’s home. While Alec and I were there, he was in another room, and Carolyn must have called him on his cell phone, or he called her. I surmised it due to the fact that his disposition suddenly and drastically changed towards me. He was angry but was silent. He didn’t answer me when I spoke to him. Neither did he speak to me at all on our way home. He knew that I had called Carolyn, and he was very upset with me.
When we got home, he said, “Why did you make the call? He said, “Everything was going well in both households, and then you made the call.” He was distraught and apparently overwhelmed.
He sat in the dining room chair. He was bent over at the waist and was holding his head in his hands. At that moment, he was the picture of despair. He said Carolyn was so upset to the extent that she was asking him to come to her. He said, “I’m going to have to go there to calm her down.”
I stood in front of him as he sat there in the chair, and I asked him not to leave me. By then, I was a nervous wreck. My whole body was trembling. I mean to the point that you’d think that I had a neurological disorder. I asked him to calm her down over the phone and not to leave me. In actuality, I needed him to help calm me down.
He listened to me. He went outside and called her on his cell phone. He was out there for a good forty-five minutes. One minute seemed to stretch into another, and I went outside to see if he was still there or had left in his car to go to see her. I feared Carolyn had been so upset to the point that he had left me and had gone to her house. What a relief when I found that he hadn’t. He was still outdoors. I inhaled and exhaled a deep breath. I don’t know what I would have done, if he had gone to her.
Shortly thereafter, he came back into the house. “Carolyn is upset, and I need to go there.” “I care about her,” he said.
I must do something to keep him from going there. “I will call her and apologize,” I said. Like that wasn’t enough, Alec had to take it to the umpteenth degree and ask me to do something stupid. He was good when it came to asking the stupid stuff.
“Ask her if it’s okay for me to stay with you. Tell her that you need me here.” I thought; Alec must have lost touch with reality. I know he’s been under a great deal of stress lately, but... How else could one explain what he was asking of me. I am certainly not going to ask that woman if my husband can stay with me. Alec had another thing coming, if he seriously thought for a moment that I would really do such a thing.
Well, I called her and just said, “I’m sorry.”
Like that wasn’t enough, She said, “You don’t mean it, Ana.” How was I supposed to prove whether I meant it or not to her? Should I grovel at her feet or what? Alec was standing beside me and kept on telling me to ask her if he could stay with me. Well, I hung up the phone. Alec was angry that I hadn’t done what he had told me to do. I, on the other hand, had no intention of doing what Alec had asked of me. It was simply too much that he asked for.
I called my wali again and let him know that I had called Carolyn and apologized to her. I knew my apology was weak and insincere. I knew in my heart that I had behaved badly and that what I had done was wrong. I had mixed feelings about it. I definitely was feeling bad about it and on the other hand I was feeling good about it, as well. It was a bitter sweet situation.
My wali advised me to offer salat (one of the five daily prayers in Islam) and ask God to forgive me. He further admonished me to make sure that I don’t repeat that act of calling her again. He said, “Call Carolyn back and apologize to her with sincerity.” I did.
I called her, and I said that I was very sorry for what I had done. She said, “Did Alec tell you to call me.” I said, “No. Alec didn’t ask me to call you.” Her question shocked me, and I thought to myself that if nothing else, Alec must be teaching her at least one thing about Islam-to be obedient to one’s husband. Our discussion didn’t end with my apology. For whatever reason, Carolyn then said,
“Why did you do it, Ana?” Her tone was that of a mother speaking to a child. My first thought was: okay, what kind of crazy question is that? Granted, I had acted like a child, but it still didn’t give Carolyn the liberty to address me as though I was one. I wondered if she spoke to Alec the same way that she had spoken to me and how he could stand it. How could he tolerate it? Didn’t she know how to speak to an adult?
I became defensive and said to her straight, “I did it because I did.”
She then called me a hypocrite and said a Muslim wouldn’t do it. What was this woman saying? Does she have a clue? Does she really think that Muslims are saints or angels? Muslims are humans too who sometimes may behave badly and make serious mistakes. Muslims sin too, the same as anyone else on this planet.
“Muslim doesn’t mean perfect.” I didn’t say it to her; I yelled it at her. “A person who is striving to be a believer would repent and ask God’s forgiveness.” No matter how often I hear it or see people make assumptions along that line, it still appears strange that some people think that a Muslim is supposed to be angelic.
I know a lot of Muslims who pretend to be what they should be, even though nobody ever really completely is. I don’t pretend. I don’t have the time or inclination to pretend. I keep it real. I don’t hide. I can’t hide from God who knows and sees all things. It’s not about whether people see. It goes deeper than that for me.
I said, “Don’t you tell me about Islam because you know nothing about it. You accepted Islam only to get a husband.” The interlude was over. We shouted over each other’s voices, so I had no idea what else she said. I hung up the phone. It was impossible for us to make any semblance of sense anymore. Alec didn’t leave me that night. I suppose Carolyn calmed down.
I knew where Carolyn worked, but it was the only thing that I knew about her. For instance, I didn’t know where she lived. When I asked Alec about where she lives, he said, “She doesn’t want you to know where she lives.” It didn’t end there. He said, “She doesn’t want to know that you exist.”
It didn’t matter to me what Carolyn said about me. I was hurt that this was a woman who came into my life, married my husband, and my life as I knew it had changed probably forever. That wasn’t enough, though; she continued to dismiss me.
I didn’t set out expressly to fill in the blanks about Carolyn. Nonetheless, one day Alec came home with pictures. He had taken film to a camera shop and had it developed. They were pictures from one of his and my vacations. He left the envelope that the pics had come in on the table.
When he was no longer in the room, I picked up the envelope. On the inside flap of it was an address that I assumed was Carolyn’s. Wow. It just goes to affirm that what God wants to be revealed, no one can conceal, and what God wants to be concealed, no one can reveal.
Well, I hadn’t asked for it, but here it was delivered to me. I drove to her home in Far Rockaway. I got to see exactly where she lives. I did some investigative research on my own, and I learned a lot about her family members, as well.
I liked not being in the dark any longer about who she was. I needed to know where my husband slept when he wasn’t with me. I likened it to a mother needing to know where her child was. It was good to know who I was dealing with. The knowing brought with it a sense of relief and increased strength. It was definitely helpful. I can’t function in a state of ignorance.
On one of those rare occasions when Alec and I had a civil conversation about his marriage to Carolyn, he said she worried a lot that he may leave her.
“She thinks I’m going to leave her.” He said he promised her that he would never leave her and would never stop giving her money.
“What?”
I asked Alec how he could possibly promise her something such as that when only God knows the future. I said, “Muslims aren’t supposed to make promises because we have no idea what God has decreed for us or anyone else for tomorrow. We could make our intentions known, but not make promises.”
I said, “What if you don’t love her anymore, and yo
u are miserable with her? Will you still stay married to her, just so you could keep the promise?” I said, “God has made divorce permissible.” “What if you later want to divorce her?” I said.
I said, “You have made unlawful what God has made lawful. God says in the Holy Quran do not make unlawful what He has made lawful. Divorce is permissible in Islam.”
It wasn’t uncommon for Alec and me to have heated arguments about Carolyn. One day, just out of the blue, I said, “If you can’t afford to take care of Carolyn and me, then you should divorce her.” He said, “I would never divorce her.” It was alarming to me that he made the statement so passionately and with such certitude.
I thought again, how could anyone be so certain about what would happen in the future. What if he caught her in bed having sex with another man? Alec didn’t know what tomorrow literally would bring months and years from now. God is the only One who holds the key to time in His hand.
Alec’s statement made me wonder just how much he loved Carolyn and me. I remember he had said before he married her that he made it clear to her that he wasn’t going to divorce me.
He said he had made it clear to her that if she was going to marry him with the thought that he would divorce me, it was not going to happen. He had also made it clear that if she thought he’d divorce me, then she shouldn’t marry him because there wasn’t a chance that it would happen.
I thought about how insecure and needy Carolyn must have been to ask him to make such a promise. A woman would have to have very low self-esteem and a certain level of neediness and dependency to ask a man to make that kind of a promise to her. Would she really want him to stay with her under any condition and circumstance? It crossed my mind that maybe she didn’t feel secure in the marriage without a legal Marriage License.
I could see how not having a Marriage License could put fear in her that Alec may leave her. Divorce is simple in Islam, especially when one has no Marriage License. She had financial problems when he married her. It only makes sense that she would be dependent on him for money once he’s giving it to her on a regular. What would she do if he divorces her and stops giving her money? I’m sure it causes her anxiety to think about it. Only time will tell what will happen.
It’s still February 2002, just two months after Alec had married Carolyn, and it is time for he and I to go on vacation. It would be the first official vacation for him and me since he’s been married to her.
While on vacation, Alec and I talked with each other more, and we enjoyed each other’s company more than we had ever done on any other vacation that we had taken together. The excursions and activities took a back seat. He and I didn’t venture out on the town or spend a lot of time with other people.
It was most important to us that we spend more intimate and quality time together, and we did. We didn’t leave our suite much other than to go to dinner. We did a lot of ordering of room service. It all made for a lazy and relaxing time.
Something was terribly different though, and it wasn’t a good kind of different. It was a sort of indifference. Deep inside, I was intensely sad. I was overtaken by gloominess and was numb. Where were my feelings? Had I buried them deep within me somewhere?
It was a strange feeling that I’ve never had before. I was feeling neither joy, nor pain. Yes, I was happy to be away with Alec and we were having a lovely time together, but something was amiss.
I didn’t react much to anything that Alec said about him and Carolyn. Nothing had a bearing on me. It was as though inside of me was empty, and I found it impossible to muster any emotion.
Tears streamed down my face without a single muscle in my face having moved. They flowed continually for no reason. Nothing sparked it. It just happened without warning. It happened while we were dining out, while we waited for the limo, while he and I were alone together or in public. Anyplace that we were, tears all of a sudden were rolling down my face.
It didn’t matter who was present, where we were or what we were doing. It didn’t matter what Alec said or didn’t say. Nothing sparked the torrent. There was nothing I could point to that caused it, but it happened anyway. My face had no expression on it, but tears kept pouring. And I was powerless to stop the flow.
It didn’t seem to matter to me that Alec and I were away at a beautiful, exotic, cool place. It didn’t matter that we were away from a life back home that I hadn’t chosen. None of it was significant. My soul was sad. I was suffering silent sorrow. I was suffering a quiet kind of pain. In all my years, I can’t recall ever feeling this way.
After Alec and I returned home from the vacation, it happened that on one of Carolyn’s days I was frenzied, and I called Alec. I asked him to come over. It had started again, and I was right back at a place that I didn’t want to be. Anyone who was to know about this would think that I was wrong. Well, they would be correct. I was.
I just did it and kept on doing it. Don’t be mistaken; I was sincerely upset, but that wasn’t all. In the back of my mind, subconsciously, I knew exactly what I was doing and why. I wanted to exercise control over Alec. I wanted to prove to myself that I could bring him under my sway.
Alec had come over in an effort to calm me down a couple of times on days that were Carolyn’s. I tried to explain to him from an Islamic perspective that where he slept at night was important, but he could see either of us during the day, on any day. I let him know that the days were his to do whatever he intends. He begged to differ.
He didn’t agree with me that days are actually for the husbands to do whatever they intend. Days don’t have to be shared equally with the wives. Nights matter. That is the practice in Islam, based on my knowledge. Alec is regimented, though. He’s like that in all aspects of his life. Marriage on a schedule was right up his alley.
On one of such days that Alec came to see me to calm me down, on a day that was Carolyn’s, things were different. He said,
“I’ll divorce her if you want me to, but I’ll hate you!” Huh? Exactly what did Alec mean by that? He’ll divorce her but will hate me for it. Well, why on earth would I want to be married to and live with someone who hates me? It made no sense whatsoever.
I had no idea what the statement meant. It didn’t occur to me to ask him the meaning of it. I know it was silly of me not to ask. If I had asked and he had answered, there would be no reason for me to wonder what he meant. As I said before, I wasn’t a good communicator.
Regardless, I wasn’t going to be a part of it. I had no intention of helping Alec make a decision on what he wants to do or should do about Carolyn. He was going to have to decide whether to divorce her or not, without my input.
Anyway, I don’t think after all that he and I had been through that a divorce from her would help his and my marriage at all. What was done is done. There is no turning back the hands of time. I can’t relive the past. It’s a new day and a new way.
His and my marriage had been turned upside down and twisted all around. It had been twisted and knotted up so much that it couldn’t be straightened out, not by Alec, not by me and certainly not by Carolyn.
Of course I spoke with my wali Ali about the statement that Alec had made. I said Alec is willing to divorce Carolyn, but there is a caveat. Ali was of the opinion that I shouldn’t ask Alec to divorce Carolyn for any reason. Ali said,
“You’ll become subservient to him if you try to make him happy and try to keep him happy.” “Alec would use verbal and the non-verbal threats of returning to Carolyn or going to someone else as a tool to keep you submissive to him,” Ali said.
Those were true words that Ali had spoken to me. Telling Alec to divorce Carolyn would not bear good fruit for me in the long run. It may benefit me temporarily, causing me to think that I had won the battle against Carolyn. Long-term, however, it would probably be a different story. I shared Ali’s sentiments about it.
Snap, Crackle, and Pop
Time takes us now to July 2002, just several months after Alec had married Carolyn. I never knew
what to expect to happen in my life from day to day. I was constantly left wondering what would spring up that would send me into a frenzy.
My nerves were shot, and I was shaky and unbalanced all the time. I didn’t know what was going to be thrown at me, so I could dodge it, but I knew something was always coming at me. I never knew what it was, but it was imminent.
Alec had let me know early on in his marriage to Carolyn that she didn’t like to vacation away from home. He said she liked spending that time at home with her family. I was happy, knowing that he and she wouldn’t have many big travel plans in sight. It soothed my mind when thinking that they would stay at home.
Well, one day, Alec informed me that he would be spending several days with her for their vacation. Remember he and I had just vacationed in February of this year. I thought it’s okay because she and he would only be leisurely lying around their home during those days. It’s what I envisioned. There would be nothing to make the days extra special. The days would be just like any other.
A few days later, however, I was talking with one of Alec’s and my friends who owns a travel agency. He said to me that Alec had made travel arrangements for two and I wasn’t one of them. It shocked the heck out of me. Nonetheless, a part of my brain registered that it was good. Now I knew that he and she were going to go away on their vacation, which was far from what I had imagined.
The friend told me what all their arrangements were. How sweet it is to know the details of their vacation. I surprised myself in being cool, calm and collected while gathering the information. I did, however, have an uneasy feeling inside of me about it.
It just goes to show again that what God wants to revealed, no one can conceal, and what God wants to concealed, no one can reveal. Did I let Alec know I was aware of his vacation plans? No. I didn’t.
The Silent Tears of Polygamy Page 11