According to the travel arrangements that I was now privy to, she and Alec were going to a place in the States (Orlando, Florida), a place that he and I had already visited. Going to Florida was no ‘biggy’ to me.
Florida was far from being a place that I’d envy her for traveling to. They weren’t going to stay at the luxurious, upscale resort that Alec and I had stayed at when we were there. In fact, they were going to have your run-of-the-mill accommodations.
I was glad to know where they would be staying, and that I had nothing to get myself worked up about. I wasn’t such a slave to my imagination anymore now that I had the factual information. On another note, the anticipation of him going made me feel uneasy.
The time leading up to Alec’s vacation with Carolyn was much harder for me than his actual going was. I liken it to knowing something was definitely going to happen, but being unable to keep oneself from worrying about it or obsessing over it.
I kept thinking about Alec and all our numerous vacations that we had taken over the years. We had made so many wonderful memories together. I visualize her taking my place now.
I knew it wasn’t going to affect just me. It wasn’t going to be easy for Alec to vacation without me. I was certain of it. Not for a moment did I think that he’d not think about me while he was away with her. I just knew he’d be sad without me with him.
Nonetheless, I was becoming more and more anxious about them going as the time for them to leave drew near. I found that going to work helped keep my mind off of it. The thought that Alec and I were scheduled to go on our dream vacation just a few weeks after he returns from vacationing with Carolyn helped tremendously in making it easier for me to deal with.
Alec and I had been on so many exotic vacations and trips together over the five years that we had been married only to each other. We had our vacation routine down pat. We knew just when to get up, go to the fitness center, have room service, go on excursions, nap, dine, and the list goes on. Mention it, and we had a regular time for it. In spite of how many vacations she and he take, she would never be able to catch up with him and me, unless he and I stop going completely.
Now, Alec was going to go on vacation with someone else. There was bound to be some variations in his routine. Carolyn is a different person than me, and it makes sense that she might want some things done differently.
Images of the two of them together plagued my mind. I envisioned them seated on the plane together. I imagined them in bed in the hotel together. I visualized all types of scenarios, none of which served any purpose or helped me.
Before Alec left to go to Carolyn’s for the start of their vacation, he and I had a beautiful night and morning together.
Before he left that morning, however, he was sneaking around in the kitchen, making Halal (lawful food for a Muslim similar to Kosher) sandwiches to take on the plane. I still didn’t let him know that I knew he was going away, and exactly where he was going. He had no idea that his sneaking was all in vain.
After they had left, I resisted Satan’s whispers to call Alec at their hotel room. Satan kept whispering to me, telling me to go ahead and let him know that I knew where he was. I wanted to let him know that he hadn’t concealed anything from me. I thank God for helping me and giving me the strength to not make that call. I knew it would have been a wrong thing to do. I wouldn’t have wanted it to happen to me.
Towards the end of their vacation, I called Alec during the day on his cell phone, and I left a nasty voice mail message. I was upset that he hadn’t called me, although I had asked him not to. To my surprise, he immediately called me back. He was very apologetic for not having called me. He said that I had asked him not to call me; therefore, he was just honoring my wishes.
“I would have called you, but you said not to call you when I’m away with Carolyn.” There was such sadness in his voice. He sounded melancholic. At that moment, his heart and mine must have touched, because I became sad too. I wanted us to be together urgently, right then and there, but, of course, it was an impossibility. I still didn’t let him know that I knew where he was. Having heard his voice helped uplift my spirits. If I was truthful to myself, I would admit that I had needed to hear his voice.
When Alec came home to me, he said how much he had missed me. He said it to me for many days that followed. He said,
“I would have called you every day and a couple of times a day, if I had known you wouldn’t have mind.”
He sounded so sincere. It was a mighty big change for us not to have vacationed together. Alec wasn’t the only one who did the missing. I had missed him considerably too, more than he could have ever known.
A week later, one afternoon, Alec, some of his family, and some of mine went to one of Alec’s work events and had a wonderful time. When we were leaving, Alec and I stood outside for a while talking with one of his colleagues named James. During the course of the conversation, James asked us if we had a nice vacation and how we enjoyed Orlando.
Whoops, there it is. With a scowl on my face, I didn’t say a word. I just stared at James while he was talking. When he was looking at Alec only, I shot Alec an evil, killer look on the sly.
I put on my game face for Alec and was acting as though I was learning something for the very first time. He didn’t know that I already knew he and Carolyn had vacationed the other week in Orlando. Alec gave James a look that read, ‘stop talking!’ In response to James question about the vacation, Alec said, “It was nice,” and it ended the conversation. Alec and I then left to go home.
Alec and I entered the car. “I thought you said Carolyn doesn’t like going away on vacation,” I said. He said, “Carolyn and I only went away because the trip was related to her job.” He said, “There was a work conference that she wanted to attend there, so I agreed to go with her.” He said they had planned the trip when they first got married as their belated honeymoon. I never let Alec know that I already knew where they had gone.
A few weeks later, in August, still 2002, Alec and I were off on a vacation again. It was the best location that we’d been to other than when we went to Saudi Arabia for Hajj. Hajj is the pilgrimage to Mecca that all Muslims are obligated to take at least once in their lifetime, if they can afford it. This current vacation was hands down the best vacation that he and I had ever taken since Hajj.
With this, you would think that I would be happy when I returned home, having had such an awesome time. But I wasn’t. I enjoyed him and me being away at our dream location so much that I didn’t want it to end. It’s the one thing about enjoying oneself so much, it has to end sometime.
It had been just him and me for ten days. Even though the world didn’t dissolve into nothingness, I was able to pretend that it was just him and me against the world, and we were all that mattered. It was truly the most beautiful and the most memorable, incredible time that I’ve ever had.
We had been living a life of relaxation and comfort while being stress free. We were in our own little worldly bliss. I had tuned out everything that I had left behind: including work; family; Carolyn; and all that was routine. I had created a make believe world where for ten days it was just mine and Alec’s. There were no intruders, no third parties.
Now, the ten days were over. Make-believe couldn’t go on forever, and reality had walked through the door. I had to return to a schedule that I dreaded and wanted no more. I had to go back to Alec being three nights with her and three nights with me. It was a saddening thought. I knew that the bright and beaming look on my face from being so elated would turn gloomy once again.
I didn’t want to deal with sharing all over again. I didn’t want to live this way any longer. I never really had any expectations of this lifestyle, other than it would be a living hell. I wasn’t wrong. Living this lifestyle was far worse than when I thought of it fleetingly. It was a never-ending nightmare. That’s exactly what it was for me.
Alec and I settled back into our routine after we returned from our vacation. He was
married to Carolyn for eight months now, and the show must go on. My desire to be with Alec, and not have him be with Carolyn intensified after we returned home from the vacation. Maybe it was the heightened state of connection that we had shared in those incredibly wonderful days.
Whatever it was, now I was emotionally distressed all over again. I couldn’t think of anything but Alec, and I wanted him here with me all the time. I was obsessed and nagged by my thoughts of not wanting to live this way. I needed to see Alec daily as I had when we were married, just the two of us.
I could deal with our marriage being polygamous, if it was an actual nightmare. At least I could wakeup from it and thank God that it was only a dream. This however was real. I was already awake and I couldn’t escape from it.
A couple of days later, I called Alec on his cell phone while he was with Carolyn. It was the weekend and early afternoon. I needed to see him desperately. I said,
“I need to see you. Please come over, if just for a minute.” I kept pleading with Alec and wouldn’t take no for an answer. Somehow, I was convincing enough for him to say, yes. When he arrived, I got a surprise. I thought being that he agreed to come to see me, he’d be happy. He was not cheerful. Alec was beyond stressed. Who am I kidding? That was a gross understatement. He shouted at me.
He stated, “I know what you’re doing.” Essentially, he accused me of manipulating the situation by calling him on Carolyn’s days and having him focus on me. He didn’t have to say it or spell it out just so. She probably had been schooling him on what I was doing, and it finally registered in his brain.
Was I doing it? Had I been manipulating him? I most certainly had been, and it would have been obvious to anyone. It was shameful. Although this time hadn’t been just about me taking his attention away from Carolyn. I was deeply distressed before I called him. That was the truth. Nonetheless, he yelled at me when he arrived, which I didn’t expect. Alec apparently couldn’t bring himself to believe that I had called because I had truly needed him.
“I want to spend some time with her too,” he said. He paced back and forth across the room in the living room in which we were. He was in a frenzy. I had never seen him this way before, and it scared me. I was frozen from fear not ever having seen him in such a state of distress. He said, “You don’t know what she went through while we were gone.” He was referring to when he and I were away on vacation.
The yelling didn’t stop, as Alec wasn’t finished with me yet. “You are so selfish.” I was frightened by Alec’s outrage. He was yelling, ranting and raving. He said, “You two won’t even talk to each other. You won’t figure out a schedule.” “It would help if you and she would just make the schedule,” he said. He certainly isn’t thinking rationally now.
I knew Alec was under a tremendous amount of strain. He was going through a lot. Even though he opted for a polygamous lifestyle, he, too, was forced to cope with the many changes that come with it.
Still, knowing all of that, I thought–it’s just not going to happen. There’s no way on God’s green earth that I would discuss with Carolyn a schedule for Alec. It simply was not going to happen in spite of what Alec was going through. There was no way that I would be able to do it.
It wasn’t an option that I’d speak with her about anything let alone take a leap and talk with her about drawing up a schedule. I sat down on the couch, and I cried uncontrollably not knowing what to do. I couldn’t calm him down, and I was now just as upset as he was. I had never seen Alec this way before.
Suddenly, you’d think we had been in darkness, and a light bulb had come on when Alec realized that he had upset me. He quickly regained his composure. He sat down on the couch beside me and hugged me so tightly that I thought he’d squeeze the life out of me. He then apologized profusely for having frightened me.
Now, he wasn’t yelling anymore, and we could talk. He said Carolyn had asked him why he and I had gone away so long on our vacation. I didn’t have to be in her head to know that I wasn’t a factor; she just wanted to know why Alec had been away from her for so long.
He said that while he and I were away on vacation, Carolyn was rushed to the hospital, and the doctor had said that they were going to feed her intravenously, if she persisted with denying herself food. Really? I thought to myself; that’s some serious stuff. Huh, I thought I had it bad.
According to Alec, Carolyn said, “She’s not trying to make it easy for me.” I had been sitting quietly just listening before Alec said that. It was all I needed to hear to stoke the embers of the dying flame.
Make it easy for her? She must seriously have lost her mind. Who the heck did she think she was? Why am I supposed to make anything easy for her? She could die and go to Hell for all I care. She got herself into this situation, yet, now, I’m supposed to shorten my vacations with my husband because she can’t handle me being away with my husband for “so long.” Seriously? I mean, Really?
He said he had explained to her that I hadn’t scheduled an extra long vacation. He said to her that our vacations had always been that long. “I suppose we have to change how we vacation from here on because she can’t handle it,” I said. On the heels of that, he assured me that he wasn’t going to shorten our vacations to appease her. Although what he said was no conciliation, there was nothing I could do about it. I’ll just have to wait and see.
I was anxious, thinking that our vacation was one other thing that I’d lose along with having to let go of a part of my husband already. Sigh. I listened to all that he said about it, giving him the benefit of the doubt, but eventually, time would tell.
I still couldn’t get past him saying that I’m the “selfish” one? Huh, she latched onto my husband, and now I’m supposed to give up my enjoyment and comfort to make her life with my husband easier? She had some audacity to even think that, let alone say it.
Well, she is no one special. Despite what she may think, she’s not all that and a bag of chips. She needs to get over herself, and somebody needs to help her get off her high horse. I wasn’t going to continue to take the back seat for her because she can’t handle things. What the saying? “If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.” She needs to leave the marriage, if she can’t handle Alec being married to me.
What makes some women think that they can marry married men, and then life is supposed to be all about them? They think the men are supposed to discard their other wives, and children, if they have any. It’s lunacy on some women’s part to think such a thing.
A wife has to live in a polygamous marriage herself to know what it’s really like. Only imagining the way polygamy is or just talking about polygamy causes some Muslim women a tremendous amount of stress. Some who aren’t in polygamous marriages react negatively and emotionally to just the thought of it. You’d think they have a sixth sense about polygamy. Living it is far worse than any thought of it.
If the expenditure of emotions in simply discussing polygamy causes an adverse effect in many Muslim women, just imagine what living it does to most women. Try imagining a life where polygamy isn’t just something you engage in abstract discussions about. In this case, polygamy is your life and not just someone else’s fiction.
The most important thing that I did and continue my best to do is to turn my attention to God. At times, while living polygamy, remembering God was rough. It was difficult because I was focusing on Carolyn being in my life. My thoughts were about Alec, Carolyn, me and polygamy. I had been distracted from remembering God often, and I had lost touch with God on numerous occasions.
I know that I couldn’t have remembered God and been able to say some of the hurtful things that I said to Alec and Carolyn when I said them. I would not have been able to do some of the mean things that I did to them. In my pain, I had lost focus of my Creator and diverted all my attention to Alec and Carolyn. It didn’t make the situation any better. It had only served to make me behave badly.
I’m trying to hold on. I’m trying to be strong by remem
bering God much and often. I’m trying my very best. I’m giving it my all and all.
I get down on my prayer rug, and I beg and I cry, asking God to help and to guide me. I ask Him to forgive me for all the wrong that I had done in the past, the ones that I do in the present, and the ones that I will do in the future. I ask God to remove the pain and to make things better for me.
I repented, begged, and pleaded to God. Furthermore, I continued to read the Quran daily, especially during the very early morning hours (Fair-morning prayer). I ask him to make me a better person, to make me a believer.
I believe God answered my prayers. I saw a change in me. It was a slow and gradual process, but things got much better, as time went on. At one time, I couldn’t talk about my life living in a polygamous marriage without getting upset. Now I can write about it. Praise be to God.
Ball of Confusion?
I have an Egyptian male friend who is a very kind and nice person. His name is Ahmad. He is a livery driver. I met him one day while I was getting gas in my SUV, and he was getting gas in a limo. He was single and didn’t have any family here in the US. He was quite new here, so I tried to help him as best that I could to get him acclimated to a new lifestyle here in the States.
He and I communicated mostly by way of telephone, and he would sometimes stop by my office at work to say hello and to chat periodically. He was supposed to be my wali for Alec and my wedding being that my wali Ali refused to come to the wedding.
Ali had refused to attend the wedding and reception, because he didn’t approve of my marriage to Alec. Ahmad was late arriving for Alec and my wedding ceremony, and we proceeded without him. Ahmad did make it to our wedding reception the following evening.
One day, I randomly asked Ahmad if he knew of any men who engaged in polygamy and, if so, what they said it was like. He was candid with me, and said that the men whom he knew who were polygamous were tired all the time. He said, they weren’t just physically tired. They were tired of giving away all their money to the wives as well.
The Silent Tears of Polygamy Page 12