The Ex Trials (Falling for Autumn #3)

by Heather Topham Wood

  “No, we came to an understanding earlier.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes, we decided to try and be friends and move on,” I said smoothly. I left out the part where Cole had outlined his plans to get laid on the trip. With a little distance, I could reason he had lashed out because of old resentments. Cole had more class than to flaunt his conquests in my face. At least, I hoped he did.

  Delia tossed back her silky blonde hair and tilted forward even closer. “Good, that’s a step in the right direction. Because I’m starting a betting pool to guess how long it will be until you’re sleeping together again. Right now, I’m putting my money on day three.”

  I shoved her arm playfully. “You’re an awful friend. I can play a little harder to get than that.”

  “Not when it comes to the Caldwell brothers. Believe me, I can relate. Levi and I held off from sex for months and it was sheer torture. There’s nothing stopping you from being with Cole, so there’s no reason to not go after him.”

  If only she knew. I was too ashamed of the truth of why we weren’t together. Not even Cole knew the whole story. The abbreviated version was heart-wrecking enough—to tell him all felt downright cruel. For months, I tried to believe my own lies, but I understood the truth was a ticking bomb ready to explode at any given notice. My gut told me that the truth would blow a crater through our entire group and I’d be the one left completely alone on the other side.

  ***

  “Hey babe, looking fine tonight,” Evan said into my ear from behind. His heavy arm looped around my shoulders as I eyeballed him with my peripheral vision. I sniffed the air as I felt his warm sweat drench the back of my neck.

  “Get off me. What is that smell?” I asked testily.

  “Oh, must be kitty litter,” he deadpanned. “Because of all the pussy I’ve been getting tonight.”

  I shoved him off of me. “Go away. You’re so gross.”

  He chuckled heartily. “Come on. You set me up with that question. I had to go for it.” Evan pulled me in closer. “Babe, are you blushing? I always knew you wanted me. But you banged my brother, so I’m going to have to pass. Can’t be having him feel bad when you start comparing notes with your friends,” he said in a whisper.

  I gave him a wan smile while I tried to scan the bar behind him discreetly. We had been bar hopping for the last couple of hours and the Diamond Lounge was the first I’d seen of the men. Autumn, Delia and Lexi were still tearing up the dance floor while I found a nearby stool to give my poor feet a much needed breather.

  Evan noticed me surveying the bar. “If you’re looking for Cole you’re out of luck. He’s at the upstairs bar, striking out for the hundredth time tonight. You’ve seriously messed up my brother’s swagger,” he said.

  “I doubt that,” I said. “Is that where the rest of the guys are? Upstairs?”

  He nodded. “I was looking for the bathroom and I saw you sitting here looking all sad and moody. No downers allowed, Casey.”

  I frowned at the insight of his words. I was being a downer. Where was the party girl that usually came out when surrounded by friends? Why would she choose to go dormant when I needed her the most? I could fake it better than anyone. What was wrong with me? Was Cole getting under my skin even after our talk? Or was the thought of seeing Justin again too much for me to deal with?

  The problem was I had no one to vent to about Justin. I hadn’t even told Autumn and Lexi the truth about the last time I’d seen Justin. Their impression was I didn’t like the guy. They had no clue I’d been nurturing my disgust of Justin privately for months.

  I jumped off the stool. “I’m going to the bathroom and then off to grab a drink. Can you let Autumn know?”

  Evan guffawed. “I hate when you treat me like one of your chick friends. How can you be hot for my identical brother and not for me?”

  I waved my fingers in his direction. “Thanks Evan.”

  Turning my back on him, I walked briskly toward the side exit doors. I pushed them open while being greeted by a blast of the cool, forceful ocean breeze. Inching forward toward the deck railing, I pulled my hands across my body to stave off the cold.

  The deck outside of the bar was quiet and desolate. As I looked out, I saw nothing but the dark endless ocean. We were miles and miles from land and wouldn’t arrive in Saint Maarten until early the next morning.

  Tilting my head heavenward, I felt dazzled by the twinkling lights of the stars. Back home, there was so much light pollution that I’d never seen the sky so full. I took a minute to slow my breathing and concentrate on their unfettered beauty. I needed a moment to release everything and just focus on being alive.

  Evan was a caveman, but he did have a point. I was feeling like someone had snatched my brain and replaced it with one from an angst-ridden girl. From the second we left Pennsylvania, I’d been too caught up in my own drama to enjoy myself. Whatever happened between Cole and me was in the far past. The feelings were crazy intense back then, but I had to let it go.

  The truth I’d been fighting was Cole had every right to be furious with me. I was the one who screwed up. I hadn’t wanted anyone else besides Cole, but my brain and body had apparently been at odds. I betrayed Cole and he could never forgive me for my mistake.

  Still, I wished I’d been honest with Cole back then and try to explain away what had happened. But I felt too sick and twisted up inside. All I told him was I’d gone out with my girlfriends and hooked up with someone else. He didn’t know who or why. He didn’t know the torture I’d gone through each day of having to wake up and look at myself in the mirror. I despised myself for what I did, but I also hated myself for not being brave enough to come forward and spill the entire undiluted truth.

  Cole was angry now, but at the time he had only been hurt and confused. Not that I blamed him. Everything clicked between us. What had I been looking for that he hadn’t been able to give me? Why was I so set on self-sabotage?

  “Hey,” a quiet voice said behind me. My head snapped back and I took a startled, unsteady step away. I shouldn’t have been surprised to run into Cole. Despite the huge ship, the space felt confined. In fact, every breath I took with him near burned like fire in my lungs.

  “Hi,” I said in a soft whisper. He looked good in spite of probably being out partying for hours. I knew my wild hair was curling into frizz from the salty ocean air and my makeup was probably smearing. On the other hand, Cole was flawless. His Sicilian mother had blessed him with the ability to sport a natural tan year-round as well as lent him the same shade of her gorgeous light hazel eyes. His father had died years ago, but I assumed his height and muscular build came from him. Mrs. Gianna Caldwell was an adorable, petite and plump woman who plied her boys with mountains of food each time they came over. Cole’s incredible metabolism and job as a steelworker kept him from porking up. He was all lean muscle and I’d been in heaven on earth during the hours I got to lick every perfect inch of him.

  “What are you doing out here alone?” he said moving in.

  “Getting some air,” I answered shortly. “You?”

  He nodded. “Same.” He cleared his throat. “About earlier…”

  I held up a hand to stop him. “Yeah, the whole game on thing was a little much, but I get it. This sucks for both of us. But we have a lot of the same friends, so we’re going to end up seeing each other from time to time. We should aim for some semblance of civility.”

  Cole bit down on his lip and looked out into the ocean. “I’ve wanted to see you, Casey. I thought about calling, but then I’d tell myself to grow a pair and move on. I just didn’t get why you had to be with another guy. Was it too much too soon?”

  “Let’s not do this,” I said in panic mode. The timing was all wrong for a full confessional.

  His eyes were unreadable. I wanted more than anything to crawl inside his brain and figure out what was going on. “Why not?” he said.

  “I get that you want an autopsy on our relationship, but I don�
�t think I can give you the answers you want. I’m sorry I hurt you, but I can’t take back that night. Maybe I do have commitment issues. You know my mom could never stay with one man long,” I said, gripping the railing tightly. I grimaced at the absurdity of my justification. I wanted to punch myself in the face for using the “Mommy didn’t give me enough attention” excuse for bad behavior.

  “Bullshit, Casey. My dad had horrible depression most of his life. I won’t assume I’m going to suffer the same fate,” he said in a low and dark voice.

  The door opened behind us and we both quieted. I managed a smile for the middle-aged couple holding hands while keeping my eyes glued to Cole. The couple walked away and we were alone once again. His eyes darkened as he stared at me. The tension was building to a crescendo and I didn’t know what was more likely to happen: for him to kiss me or storm away and never speak to me again.

  His presence triggered too many memories. His smell, his touch—they had become ingrained in my subconscious and I couldn’t ever shake him.

  I broke our staring contest first. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t blame my mom for my own mistakes. And although I don’t want to get into what happened, I will tell you that I regret it. If I could take that night back, I would. A million times I would go back and do things differently.”

  He nodded and I saw a thoughtful look pass over his expression. Being drawn to him was torture. Despite him telling me that he planned to screw whomever he damn well pleased on the vacation, I still wanted him. I wanted that feeling again with him: the sensation of free falling and simply enjoying the ride.

  Damn I wanted to kiss him. If I wasn’t such a freak show, we could totally work. I could fall in love with Cole. It would be easy since I was likely already half in love with him. He seemed to catch on to my thought process and slowly settled his strong, warm hand under my chin. He wet his lips with his tongue while my belly flip-flopped in anticipation. His hazel eyes blazed and I saw an emotional tornado inside of them. My cheeks grew hotter as the seconds tick by, waiting for him to make the first move.

  The door burst open. “You touch her and I will kick your balls into your throat, Cole Caldwell.” Delia narrowed her eyes at him and stormed over to where we were standing. “Levi told me all about how you planned to man whore it up this week and I’m not letting you start with Casey.” She yanked me to her side, out of his reach. “Poor form. And I’ve thought you were finally becoming an adult.”

  Cole backed away with his hands up accompanied by a wounded look. “What did I do to get on your bad side? You know we’re practically family. We were even going to make you an honorary member of the band.”

  “I’ll deal with you later,” Delia said with a sigh. “You better go back and find your brothers. We’ve made a strict no fraternizing with the guys rule for the night.”

  “Fine,” he said with a smirk. “I was just leaving.”

  “Sure you were,” Delia said dryly. Cole caught my eye and I felt something pass between us. I didn’t want to cling to a false hope, but maybe I’d been too hasty. I assumed my mistake meant we were over and done with. But could Cole forgive me?

  The problem was even if he did forgive me, could I forget what had happened? Could I be bounce back and be the same girl I was when we were together? Because I didn’t know if that was possible. I had changed and maybe the new version of me wasn’t what Cole wanted or needed.

  Chapter Seven

  Saint Maarten took my breath away. From the second we crossed the plank to get off the boat, I fell in love. As I took in the perfect white sand beaches, succulent coconut trees and crystal clear blue ocean, I wondered if I could just stay on the island forever and never return to Fairfort.

  For the first stop on the cruise, the ladies had voted to have a relaxing beach day. The guys were renting wave runners, jet skis and all other types of macho toys, but I decided a vacation was about unwinding. We were doing a few sightseeing trips later in the week, but Autumn was a very chill girl. Her ideal vacation would be lying on a beach for hours on end without a care in the world.

  We had set up camp on the beach nearby where the guys were in the water. Besides providing eye candy, I was getting a chuckle out of watching them take turns busting ass on the Jet Ski.

  Reclining back on the beach chaise, I closed my eyes and started to doze off. Falling asleep the night before had been a challenge. Despite staying out at the bars until late night, I’d been too keyed up to drift off. I kept thinking back to the moment I shared with Cole out on the boat deck. What if Delia hadn’t interrupted? Would he have kissed me? Was that whole spiel about hooking up with whomever we wanted all a ruse?

  I didn’t buy for one moment that he would just turn to me for vacation sex. Cole was sexy as sin. And he was in a band. And he had an identical twin brother. He was like the trifecta of hotness. With our history, I’d probably be the last woman he’d turn to for meaningless sex.

  “Here, put this on,” Cole said, and I opened my eyes to see him walking purposefully toward me. Before I could ask him what he was talking about, an oversized t-shirt was tossed in my direction. The shirt smacked my face before falling onto my lap.

  “What’s this?” I scrunched up my face as I examined the shirt. He must have just picked the shirt up from one of the vendors lined up along the street next to the beach. The tee was plain white with an “I Heart Saint Maarten” logo emblazoned on the front.

  “You’re getting burnt to a crisp. You should cover up,” he said, not meeting my eye. His lack of eye contact gave me a chance to ogle him up close. His tanned chest was rock hard with his abs looking more defined than the last time I had seen him shirtless. His board shorts rode low on his waist, displaying the small smattering of hair below his belly button. My skin prickled with goose bumps although I was the farthest thing from cold.

  Regaining my focus, I stared at the t-shirt in confusion. I had slathered on sun block before laying out. My skin was slightly flushed, but definitely not anywhere near sunburned. Not to mention I’d been hiding under an oversized beach umbrella for most of the day. “I think I’m good.”

  “All right, but don’t say I didn’t warn you,” he said and shrugged.

  “I think he’s more concerned with how much skin you’re showing, than your sun exposure,” Autumn teased.

  I glanced down at my skimpy red two-piece and gave Cole a mock affronted look. “You do realize that Saint Maarten is made up of clothing-optional beaches.”

  “Oh no Casey, if you go topless, Cole might buy you a snowsuit to wear for the rest of the trip,” Autumn said.

  Too many unresolved feelings lingered between us and I could see him struggle to laugh it off. His sense of humor had obviously been collateral damage of our breakup. “I’m going now,” Cole said with a huff.

  “Leaving so soon?” I called as he strode away. I held up the shirt. “Thanks for the souvenir!”

  Autumn laughed, before resting her head contently on my shoulder. “You seem more like yourself today.”

  “Sorry about the weirdness yesterday. Cole and I talked last night and I think we’re good now,” I said quietly, watching Cole stride back down the beach. Gracefully, he swam back out to his abandoned Jet Ski.

  “You’re going to try with him again? He’s obviously into you. Blake told me that despite Evan egging him on all night, he kept mostly to himself. Not exactly the rock-god player I met when Delia first got together with Levi,” she said.

  “Maybe we’re just both being seduced by the locale. Once we leave paradise, we still have the same problems as before,” I said morosely.

  “I don’t get why you broke up with him, Casey. There was no fizzling out between you two. You still have crazy chemistry with him,” she said.

  “Autumn, my dear,” I said, tilting my head to meet her eyes. “I have crazy chemistry with any man. It’s part of the perk of being a sex goddess,” I said and did an exaggerated shimmy.

  Autumn barked out a short laugh. “You jus
t wait.”

  “Wait for what?”

  “Do you think you’ve already had good sex? Wait until you let Cole break down your walls and you finally admit you love him. Then, tell me how the sex compares.”

  “Ugh, Autumn, you’re not turning into one of those kinds of women are you? The ones who think you can only have enjoyable sex if you’re lying on your back missionary style while whispering I love you between thrusts,” I said teasingly.

  “No, but if that ever happens in the future with Blake, you’ve officially ruined it for me.” She added sarcastically, “Thanks a lot.”

  “That’s what I’m here for,” I chirped.

  Lexi came over to stand in front of us. Nervously, she pulled on the strap of her black swimsuit. “Hey, I’m just going to steal Casey for a minute.”

  I gave her a questioning look. I sensed Lexi was trying to sound natural, but the way her eyes jumped around made her appear frazzled. “What’s up?”

  “Let’s just talk in private for a sec,” she said, flustered. To Autumn, she explained, “Just some top secret maid of honor stuff I have to run by Casey.”

  Begrudgingly, I climbed to my feet. Whatever Lexi had to tell me better be important if she was forcing me out of my sunning spot. I tossed on the shirt Cole gave me over my swimsuit and subdued a smile. No matter what happened between him and me, I’d be keeping the shirt for a very long time.

  Autumn waved us away while picking up a paperback she had brought along. I followed Lexi down the beach as she hurried across the sand. I huffed and puffed behind her, meanwhile wondering at what could have her so worked up. Finally, when we were a good thirty yards away from Autumn, she stopped and faced me.