The Rock Bible

by Henry Owings

  3 You are not a legitimate band playing actual music until at least one member of your crew has a one-word, one-syllable name like “Tank,” “Brick,” “Horse,” or “Meat” and has acquired this nickname by doing something really stupid.

  4 Being part of the road crew means that you’re probably really good at playing video games (among other mind-numbing habits). The band will want you to teach them the ins and outs of certain games as they while away time on the bus. This talent will probably result in a stupid nickname (see verse 3, above).

  5 Acceptable previous employment for roadies includes newspaper carrier, pocket fisherman, and off-season lobster poacher. Those jobs are actually much more interesting than being a band’s lap dog. Acceptable post-roadie employment is limited to drug counselor (only after rehab), porn star, co-author of a rock memoir that won’t get published, and guy who sits around boring other people with stories.

  6 It’s a proven fact that people working at clubs, especially in a technical context, are dirtbags with some sort of criminal record. As such, they probably have great stories.

  7 “Local crew” is regional slang for “personal slave.”

  8 Before going on the road for the next ten years with a band you don’t like, consider a career as a hobo.

  9 In the future, after you’ve ruined your back and pooped out your liver due to drinking, it’s possible that you’ll be interviewed for an oral history of the band with which you worked. When that happens, it’s important to remember that you are not a writer.

  10 After ten years on the road with any band, you’ll undoubtedly say, “I really should’ve gone to college instead.”

  11 If the band you’re working for isn’t playing for more than 300 people, your presence is largely unnecessary.

  12 If you do, in fact, have a great talent for accounting and keeping track of inventory, consider working at a bank or a warehouse. Your management skills will most certainly be better recognized and rewarded.

  13 There are a dozen trained chimps that can take your place. Don’t stop to think about it, just keep humping the gear.

  14 If the band you’re working for can’t remember your name, it’s because they’ve got more important things to worry about, like writing songs and performing live every night.

  15 Don’t get bummed when you have to pay for drinks. If you were that valuable to the band’s existence, they’d be big enough to have a separate tour rider just for you guys.

  16 Despite the popular long-running joke, there is not a rational woman on the planet who will sleep with a roadie.

  17 The only acceptable place for road crew to have sex with groupies is inside road cases.

  18 If you get some action after the show, it’s not because you’re hot, it’s because you work for a band whose members she/he wants to sleep with.

  19 “Guitar techs” are basically guitar players who are too stoned or drunk to keep their own bands together.

  20 Crouching behind a guitar amp during the show does not immediately inform the crowd that you’re needed on stage. In fact, it’s probably your unconscious attempt at showing how self-important you really aren’t.

  21 Light techs should remember that the crowd never goes home humming the lights.

  22 The difference between a sound guy and a light tech is that a sound guy can do lights.

  23 The sound crew should realize that nobody in the audience started the evening by saying, “I’m going to go hear a band tonight.”

  24 Without a sound guy, it’s radio. Without a light tech, it’s a Christmas tree.

  25 If the sound guy has a ponytail, everybody knows what it’s covering up.

  26 If you’re playing a small club, there is never a need for you to use a flashlight to clear a path through the crowd to move your equipment.

  27 Unless you’re the sound guy at the show, leave your flashlight and Leatherman at home.

  28 Just tell a band to turn it up or turn it down. When you start rattling on about how many dBs the band is pushing, they just tune out and learn to hate you. Keep it simple.

  29 When in doubt, and on tour, the house sound guy is the man to ask for narcotics.

  30 Everybody thinks they’re funny. Most people aren’t, especially sound men.

  31 “Sound man” does not mean “DJ.” You are not entitled to talk to the audience through the PA.

  32 If you see a smiley-faced EQ on the mixing desk in front of you, lay off the amphetamines.

  33 Most sound men should have their ponytails clipped off and fed to them.

  34 If you have to duct-tape your mics or mic stands to keep them from falling apart, then you need to spend less on PBR and more on your equipment.

  35 The band doesn’t want to be your friend. The fans don’t want to be your friend. The club owner doesn’t want to be your friend. They all just want you to go easier on the treble.

  36 All sound guys are, without exception, failed musicians who hate the band’s existence. They usually have out-of-date taste in music and are just waiting to ruin their sound.

  Many Good Guys are in many Bad Bands, which has led to the acronym GGBB. In light of this, when a band is stepping off their hallowed pulpit from either a sparse room of attendees or a full house of screaming fans, try to evasively compliment anything. The light show. Their merchandise. Anything. When you’re desperate, try muttering one of the following phrases to escape from a potentially awkward situation.

  “The audience seemed really attentive.”

  “Your bass player was really holding it down.”

  “You guys just will not compromise.”

  “Hey, what label puts out your records?”

  “Your drummer looked like a hurricane of squirrels.”

  “Man, you guys looked like you were having so much fun!”

  “It’s nice to hear a drummer who really knows how to put some step into the kick drum.”

  “It takes guts to get up onstage and do what you do.”

  “You can tell you guys listen to really good music.”

  “I’ve never heard anything like that before.”

  “Was that last song a cover?”

  “We had to straighten out our beer situation with the bar manager, but it sounded great backstage.”

  “I saw loads of people really digging it!”

  “Your merch looked bad ass, I caught some chicks checking out the table.”

  “Hey, let’s go do shots!”

  ND on the seventh day, God had finished the work he had been doing, so he rested from all his toil … until a fan wanted him to sign something. And God signed it, but the fan also wanted a photo, and God took a photo with the fan, but the fan wanted God to sing happy birthday to a friend over a cell phone, and God sang happy birthday, and then the fan and the fan’s friends resembled that animal that God had become so familiar with … the sheep. And then there became far more fans than there was rock and roll, and the fans dressed a particular way, and the fans all thought the same way, and sometimes the fans were indistinguishable from the rock and roll bands, and then God considered some form of natural genocide, but God was unsure of how to get all these idiots in one place without wiping out some actual decent people, so God gave up on the genocide idea and instead placed a lot of faith in drug overdoses and aging, and so on, and so on.

  1 If you’re supposed to be on the list but aren’t, you aren’t important enough to insult every staff member in the club because of it.

  2 If you’re exceedingly tall and the room’s packed, stand at the back of the room.

  3 While standing in front of a band that does not play metal, those that throw devil horns shall have the offending appendage removed and subsequently forced down their throats.

  4 When the drummer breaks a stick and throws it into the crowd and it hits you on the head, you have first dibs. Also, don’t save things like that. Go to a store and buy a drumstick if you really want one.

  5 If the band killed it, don’t just clap. Gi
ve them a real hand and help load out their equipment.

  6 If you ever use a cell phone instead of a lighter during a ballad, it’s time to start smoking again.

  7 If a mic gets knocked over, you are allowed to set it back up. However, that doesn’t allow you a discount on band merchandise after the show.

  8 While in the audience, you can never leave a jacket or purse on stage while the band is playing. It is a stage, not a coat check.

  9 Every show has the crazy dancing dude that creeps out and amuses the crowd. If you ever find yourself as that dude, don’t be surprised if you don’t have any friends.

  10 If your friend isn’t at a show with you, he or she didn’t care enough to buy a ticket. Calling him or her during the show and then holding up the phone so he or she can hear a distorted representation of what the band is playing isn’t helping anybody.

  11 Never start a drum circle after a show in the camping area of a music festival.

  12 Unless a show is in a church or a coffee house and the band requires no amplification, sitting on the floor is strictly prohibited. Not only are most floors absolutely filthy, but chances are you’ll get your hand stepped on or, at worst, be trampled during a stampede.

  13 If you are invited to watch a friend’s band play, you are allowed to leave after ten minutes if they suck. Points are never scored for enduring a horrible performance.

  14 Never walk across the stage. If you do, you’re just showing that you’re confused about where catering is.

  15 If a band has inflatable stage props, it is the audience’s responsibility to try to pop them.

  16 No matter how crowded a show might be, it’s never a good idea to urinate anywhere but the bathroom.

  17 Don’t urinate on people’s feet.

  18 Unless it’s just you in the audience, you’re sadly mistaken if you think someone in the band just made eye contact with you.

  19 Many bands you enjoy are just simply not very good live. Unlike musical taste, this point is not subjective. Also, bands with poorly recorded albums will most likely be just as horrible when you pay to see them.

  20 Never go to a band’s concert if their T-shirt costs more than a ticket to the show.

  21 Never pay an excessive amount to see a concert unless the band is scheduled to bring dead members back to life during the performance.

  22 Do not sing along with a band at a show unless you are absolutely sure of the words.

  23 Never take the band’s set list unless you plan on selling it later.

  1 You can’t listen to a band on your way to their show. Conversely, it’s absolutely acceptable to listen to them on the way back.

  2 You can’t wear a band’s T-shirt to their show. And if you do buy a T-shirt at a show, you cannot wear it that night or the next day at school.

  24 For every beer you steal from the band, an angel loses its wings.

  25 Don’t ever tell people to shut up at a show. Conversely, if you are on stage and have a microphone and an amplified instrument going through a PA, and you can’t make more interesting noise than an office dweller with a can of beer, you are in trouble.

  26 Never sing aloud along with the songs unless you can do it in key and at a volume that only you can hear. In any other situation, no one will appreciate your contribution.

  27 Don’t get upset when your heckle gets returned to you in a much funnier and degrading manner. Granted, most bands can’t handle anything less than pure adoration from the audience, but there are a few sharp people playing music who have no problem letting you know that you are a talentless, drunk idiot whose lineage may contain canine DNA.

  28 Never yell “Free Bird” to a band. If you are in a band that has “Free Bird” yelled to it, know the song well enough to give a torturous twenty-minute rendition.

  29 Never yell out for a band to play their most obscure song. It isn’t on the set list because they don’t like playing it.

  30 If a band has a female member, it is absurdly imperative that there’s a guy in the crowd to yell “Take it off!” after every song.

  31 If you can’t think of anything more interesting to shout at your favorite artist on stage than “We love you,” at least have the fortitude to back it up by proving it after the show.

  32 Moshing at a show has gone the way of “The Wave” at sporting events. It’s easy to get caught up in the moment when you’re there, but to everyone else watching and not participating, you’re a jackass.

  33 Pretend that the stage is the band’s office and that people can enter only if they work there. You, most certainly, do not.

  34 If you go to shows where the main activity is moshing, you have strong homoerotic tendencies.

  35 While in the audience, never offer the band a beer, a cigarette, or a light. It’s akin to feeding the bears.

  36 Never do spirit fingers within inches of the lead guitar player. It will not improve the guitarist’s ability, but it will improve your ability to look like an asshole.

  37 If you think you’re sounding stupid, you’re exactly a half hour behind everybody else. Apologize and leave immediately. The band has the rest of the night to talk about how much of a jackass you are.

  38 Saying “you guys sounded tight” or “you had great energy” to a band after they’re done playing is a polite way of getting the point across that you think they are a lousy band.

  39 If you’re interacting with the band after the show, refrain from telling members how much their music means to you. In the band’s eyes, it changes you from fan to stalker in the time it takes to say the words.

  40 If you’re a dude, remember that the members of the band didn’t get into music to meet other dudes. Stay away so the ladies can climb aboard the bus.

  41 Never ever strike up a conversation with the drummer.

  42 Either ask the band beforehand if it’s okay to record their show or just don’t ask them at all. Letting them know afterward that you did so without permission puts you in a dangerous position with moody musicians who are worried about their inconsistent, and occasionally weak, performances.

  43 “You rock!” is not a sincere compliment to any band.

  44 Never take the band’s last drink.

  45 Upon meeting a musician you idolize, don’t say: “I’m a really big fan.” And for God’s sake, don’t ask for an autograph. Offering to get free drugs or inquiring about the after-party is acceptable.

  46 Know ahead of time that getting a band tattoo is a perfect way to show people what you used to listen to before your twentieth birthday.

  47 “CBGB” T-shirts are never a good indication that you are “hip to the scene.”

  48 If you have a “Death to False Metal” tattoo anywhere on your body, you must someday reimburse your parents for buying it for you.

  49 If there’s a patch on your jacket or shirt that’s not your name, you must force your girlfriend to buy you some new clothes.

  50 Anyone who wishes to buy any Ramones-related merchandise must be able to name all members of the original lineup and a minimum of five of their songs.

  51 Never purchase a vintage, overpriced T-shirt that wasn’t your idea at the time. Everyone who sees you wearing it knows you paid too much for it.

  52 Wearing a muscle shirt and not actually having any muscles is one reason why the underage girls at the show don’t want to sleep with you. You shouldn’t be flirting with pre-teen girls anyway, you pedophile.

  53 Even the hottest groupies usually have to work their way through the road crew before finally getting to the band. Keep your chin up and your kneepads on. Your time is coming.

  54 Do not expect to make friends with a roadie in the hopes that he will take you on tour unless you smoke him out, buy him lots of good beer, provide him with girls, or all of the above.

  55 If you’re ever offered a backstage pass left over from “the Tulsa show,” be aware that if you take it, you’ll be in a sexually humiliating scenario by the night’s end.

  56 If you’
re dating a member of a band, you’re a groupie. Stop trying to act like you’re somehow a notch above a groupie. You’re not a rock star by default. You’re a groupie.

  57 If you want your band to break up, sleep with the singer’s current girlfriend or ex-girlfriend about whom all the songs are written.

  58 If you are the girlfriend of a band member and you attend band practice, you will be referred to as “Yoko.”

  59 If you feel the need to constantly protect your girlfriend at a show, perhaps it’s best that she make other plans.

  60 Stop trying to pick up people of the opposite sex in the front row of a show while a band is playing. Your feeble attempts at getting action will only be hindered by having to scream everything into your poor victim’s ear, especially when your pickup lines entail name-dropping every mediocre artist to come out of your pathetic town.

  61 If you’re a woman and you’re at a show, act like every guy there is a creepy rapist unless he’s somebody famous who might also have cocaine. This is called “Feminism in Rock.”

  62 Gentlemen, if you go to concerts by sensitive singer/songwriter types to show how equally sensitive you are to ladies, chances are you’ve never seen, let alone touched, a naked person of the opposite sex.

  63 Any and all stash you carry onto the bus is now community property, so fork it over.

  64 If you’re invited onto the band’s bus, don’t sit down if there’s room to stand.

  65 Never ask the band for a ride anywhere.

  66 When the bus driver gets on the bus, you get off the bus.

  67 If a band stays at your house and you have a practice space or studio setup, don’t try to talk the band into jamming with you. They just want to sleep, get drunk, or take a shower, not go for a noodle-fest with some sycophantic dweeb. Keep it in the case.