my life as a country album

by LJ Evans

  I wanted to kill him for ruining our mood.

  “Come on,” you said, and you pulled me up.

  You stared at me for a long time, and then laid a gentle kiss on the top of my nose, before turning away. “Race you to shore,” you said before diving in and taking off.

  You had a good head start because you’d surprised me, but I just smiled, dove in, and swung out into a pace that always seemed to beat you.

  Except, I didn’t win. Maybe because you were fueled from pent up guy stuff, or maybe because I was slowed by your kisses. Either way, you were smiling like you’d won the lottery when I reached the shore a few strokes behind you. We replaced our tops and shoes and headed off to find Craig.

  The rest of the bonfire passed in a blur. You never let go of my hand. We danced. Slow and tight up against each other, and fast and crazy. Wynn joined us for a dance but was pulled away by Pete to do a slow dance. People were drunk and happy and celebrating the end of another year. I wasn’t drunk. I didn’t even have one beer, but I felt like I’d had a million of them. Everyone else may be celebrating an ending, but to me, it was the celebration of a beginning.

  By about two in the morning, everyone had filtered away in their cars, heading home. You and I had agreed to stay and make sure the bonfire went out without starting a fire. The night got cold. I shivered. Still wet. You threw me a pair of sweats from the truck, and I changed out of my wet bottoms into them. And with barely a thought, left the wet panties behind too. I felt bold. Like I hadn’t felt in years.

  You had opened the sleeping bags, zipped them together, and rolled them out into the back of your daddy’s truck. I crawled up and joined you inside them. You were quiet. And I started to worry a little.

  “Jake?”

  “Hmm?”

  “You don’t have to be sorry you know.”

  “I know.”

  “I’ve wanted this for a long time.”

  “God, I am an idiot. You always told me I was.”

  “Well. You are. But just when it comes to girls.”

  “You’re not supposed to be a girl. Dolphin maybe. Definitely not a girl.”

  I chuckled. And you did too.

  “You knew I was. Remember. You told my mama I was a girl when I was in her tummy.”

  More thoughtful silence.

  “I know. And if I had any doubts, I really knew you were a girl that time at the lake. You know. The time we had to go to the Quick Stop.”

  I smiled against your chest.

  “I think that’s why I was so happy that Brittney showed up. I didn’t want to think of you that way. It was easier to think of her that way.”

  My turn to be quiet.

  “But Cami,” and I got nervous again, because you were saying my name in that way that made sure I was paying attention. “We’re still a mile apart.”

  “I don’t care.”

  “But I do.”

  “Why?”

  “Because it wouldn’t be fair to you. To have you pining away over some guy who’s away at college when you should be going out, making high school memories, and shaking your butt at all the guys making them drool.”

  “Cuz that’s so me,” I said dryly.

  “Well. It could be you.”

  What I should have said right then to you was that I loved you and that there would never be anyone else but you whether you called me your girlfriend or moved on without me. But I didn’t because I was scared that if I pushed you, we wouldn’t even have this time together. So instead, I said the thing that I didn’t really mean.

  “So. Let’s just have this summer then. This last one. Together.”

  I felt you nod. We were both so tired. The emotions of the day. The make out sessions. The euphoria for me of it all. So, we fell asleep again. My head on your chest, our feet intertwined, and the stars and the crickets singing our song.

  ***

  We woke in the cool predawn light. There was a mist that had formed on the lake and made it seem a little dream like. It was the second time in twenty-four hours that we had fallen asleep together. I pulled out my iPhone, and it read five a.m.

  My parents were going to be pissed. I mean. They knew I was with you, but the way my mama had looked last night. I wasn’t sure she was going to trust me with you anymore.

  We scrambled out of the truck, kicked some dirt over the bonfire that still had some coals, and then headed out for home. We pulled into your driveway and shut off the engine quickly both of us hoping that I could sneak into my house from the back.

  I looked over at you. You were so serious. Like you’d just broken a thousand state laws. I leaned over and kissed you. Just a small kiss. Not intending it to be more, but you pulled me up close to you and devoured my lips again.

  A knock on the window scared the shit out of both of us. My mama was wrapped in a blanket with tired eyes, and a not too happy look on her face.

  You opened the door, and we both slid out the driver’s side. I didn’t even have the grace to look ashamed. I was happy. So, so very happy. But, I did block the view of my panties lying on the seat of the pickup.

  “Jake Carter Phillips,” my mama started.

  “Yes, ma’am,” you said trying to sound contrite, but my mama didn’t take it that way.

  She shoved her finger into your chest and finished off, “You. Will not. Be staying out all night with MY. Fifteen. Year. Old. Daughter.”

  I think she said it to bring home to you our age difference. And maybe that you were eighteen and that I was considered jailbait.

  But, somehow, looking at my smiling face got the better of her. I’m not sure she’d seen me this happy in a long, long time. Maybe ever. She pulled me out from behind you and hauled me off towards our house. She called out over her shoulder, “Later, we’ll set some ground rules.”

  When I looked back at you, you held up my panties and winked at me, and my stomach flipped happily.

  My mama, luckily for me, let me go to bed. I was kinda surprised that I got off that easily, but after she’d let me sleep the morning away, she came in, pulled the blinds open, and sat on the edge of my bed with a searching look on her face.

  She stared at me like that until I shifted uncomfortably.

  “I think you’ve always been more his than mine,” she finally said quietly.

  “Mama,” I protested, but she shushed me.

  “But, Camdyn. He’s going away. And he’s got a life right now that is going to be even more different from yours than when you were in middle school, and he was in high school.”

  “I know,” I said with my heart in my throat.

  “I just don’t want you to get hurt, or…,” her voice trailed off. “Well. I don’t want you to do anything stupid.”

  “Mama. You’re talking about Jake. When have you known him to ever do anything stupid?”

  “I’m not talking about Jake. I’m talking about you.”

  “Well…,” because I knew she was right. I’d done plenty of stupid things. Some she didn’t even want to know about. Like diving off a cliff.

  “But, it takes two to tango, right?” I tried to laugh it off. She responded by placing a box on my nightstand. It took me a moment to realize it was a box of condoms.

  “Mama!” I exclaimed at the same time hoping to hell she really hadn’t seen my panties in the truck. Not that anything had happened… but well…

  “Look. If I know you, you’ve already been thinking about it. You’ve always been five steps ahead of me. I just want you to be safe. I don’t want you to end up with any regrets.”

  I just stared at the box. And I knew that if you had wanted to go all the way last night on the dock, or in the sleeping bags in the back of the truck when I’d already been panty free, I would have. Without a thought in the world. I’m pretty sure you would have been safe about it. I take that back, I know you would have been safe about it. You were a gentleman. And, you cared about me too much not to be, but this made me realize that my mama wanted that too. Tha
t she knew that this decision was mine. And the thing was, looking at the box of condoms made me realize what a big decision it really was. Maybe that was half her point.

  She leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. “I think you’re too young. I think that you aren’t ready for the emotions that come with this, but I also want you to know that I realize that I don’t have any control over this or really any of the decisions you make for you and your body.”

  I just nodded as she confirmed what I already knew. She’d made her point. She got up and headed for the door.

  “And. You bring him and his parents over here for dinner. We’re going to have to have a new set of rules if you two are going to be dating.”

  And she left. It took me a while to realize how she’d said “him and his parents” in a way totally different than she normally talked about your mama and daddy. We were a family.

  I lay there for a few minutes longer, and then couldn’t stand it anymore. I picked up my phone ready to call you. But, at the last minute, I changed my mind and called Wynn. I knew she had news to share as much as I did. At least Pete wouldn’t be disappearing in two months. He was still going to be there as we entered our sophomore year.

  But, I wouldn’t think about that right now. I’d been thinking ahead my whole life. To this moment. To knowing that you were mine, and for right now I was going to bask in it. Take every moment as it came and simply enjoy.

  Our Song

  “And when I got home ... before I said amen

  Asking God if he could play it again.”

  - Taylor Swift

  I started this whole thing with a song, and it just seems like one after another, they roll together to make a film in my head of our life together. The moments that made us, us. But that beautiful summer before you left, it was one of our best memories. It was truly an example of Our Song. We had more than this one song. We did. But, that right there was the first of us truly together. The late night talks, the first tangled kisses, the firsts. The many, many firsts. Not all. We saved some firsts for later. But, these were some that could never happen again.

  When you and your family showed up for dinner that night after the bonfire, it was really weird. My mom had set the table like she did when daddy had business folks over. She was being all formal, and she’d even had daddy BBQ Tri-tip like he did for my Grandma and Papa.

  When your mama and daddy showed up, they looked things over and gave each other a scrunched up, “What’s going on look?” Then, you did that thing that made my heart zig zag like a race car which was grab me by the waist and pull me up against you, chin on my head.

  “Andrea’s worried about setting the tone for how Cam and I are to proceed now that we’re dating,” you said it so casually and with such a grin in your voice that I couldn’t help but smile.

  Both your parents’ mouth’s went, “Oh,” at exactly the same time. Mia made a “gross” face. And that kind of took the steam out of my mama. She placed the mac and cheese on the table and then slumped into the dining room chair.

  “Well,” your daddy said clearing his throat. He looked at us and then looked away as if it was too painful to watch.

  My daddy came in from the barbeque pit and almost dropped the Tri-tip when he saw your arm around me. Apparently, my mama hadn’t said anything to him either. It was priceless. I felt like I could fly, and God knows that was always something I strived for.

  Everyone sat down, and you held the chair for me. It was slightly uncomfortable. Not the part of you holding my chair, the whole family thing. I looked at my mama and couldn’t tell, like with the condoms, if she’d done it on purpose to continue to make it feel more of a big deal, or if she just hadn’t known how to handle it.

  My daddy started the passing and everyone was quiet. Again, abnormal when we were all together. Normally no one could shut up and everyone was talking at the same time about who knows what. Once we’d all dished up, your daddy broke the silence.

  “So, someone going to enlighten me on just when this happened, and what we’re supposed to think about it?”

  My daddy, winking about boys and genitals just a few years ago, looked like he was regretting every comment he’d ever made about it.

  “This is your fault,” your mama said waving her fork at my daddy and yours making them both blanch.

  “How do you figure?”

  “All that talk about white weddings when they were little, and she was holding his hand.”

  Both our daddies looked abashed thinking back to two little kids on a porch step with sticky Popsicle fingers.

  “If it helps, I think Jake was as surprised as you all were,” I said with a smile. You messed up my hair and smiled back.

  “I think I’m going to puke,” was Mia’s response as she looked to a text that came in on her phone.

  This distracted your mama who immediately got on Mia about texting at the table. And everyone breathed and all of a sudden we were eating and joking and being completely normal. When I looked up at Mia again she winked. Your wink, and I smiled and mouthed, “Thank you.”

  Your sister was cool. Just like you.

  After dinner though, it couldn’t be avoided. We got this long list of no’s. No more doors shut on rooms, preferably no rooms, no staying out past 11 o’clock, no ignoring our families or our chores, no, no, no, no, no.

  It went on a long time. When it was over, we excused ourselves to hit the Dairy Queen for milkshakes and left them to dissect this issue of us dating to the parental nth degree.

  When we got the Dairy Queen, you got my door, and paid for my milkshake and fries. It felt weird. “I’m not sure I can handle you being this nice to me,” I told you.

  “Whatta ya mean?” you asked.

  “Door, paying for me, you know, the royal girlfriend treatment. It’s not me.”

  You leaned over, scooped some of my shake up with a finger, deposited it on my lips, and then moved in to flick the milkshake off of my lips with your tongue. My stomach fell to my knees. And my voice went away.

  “If I’m gonna be able to do that, then I’m gonna give you the royal girlfriend treatment.”

  I just stared into your eyes. And, even though I really, really liked it when you kissed me. And, I really, really, really wanted that girlfriend label, it kinda hit me for the first time what we’d done to our relationship. This wasn’t something we could just shrug away like the time I’d slugged you in the stomach for stealing the fish right off my hook.

  “Hey, love birds,” Paul’s voice broke into our thoughts. He slid in next to me and stole a fry that I wasn’t eating. “What’s up for tonight?”

  You didn’t look happy to see him. In fact, you looked like you had last night when you’d hit him. Paul’s face wasn’t bruised up at all, so I knew you hadn’t hit him as hard as you could have. But it was still interesting to see that look. I wasn’t sure whether to be proud or sad. I certainly didn’t want to come between you and Paul. The two of you had been friends almost as long as we had had been friends.

  “Nothing that includes you,” you said with a guttural growl.

  Paul ignored it. “Lake?”

  You shook your head.

  I knew why. If there wasn’t a party going on, the lake was reserved for make out sessions and… well… the rest of the stuff that follows. Last night I would have been all over that thought. Today. With a couple condoms in my bag, I wasn’t sure how I felt about it at all.

  “I was thinking bowling,” you said with a shrug, and when I met your eyes, I could tell that you were nervous about being alone with me too. I wondered if it was for the same reason.

  “Bowling? Shit, we haven’t been bowling since we were…,” and Paul’s voice faded away because he all of a sudden realized that I was exactly what he’d been about to say. A freshman. Well. Technically, I was a sophomore now, but really who’s counting a day or two?

  We ended up at the bowling alley anyway. And, a bunch of the guys and their girlfriends showed up as w
ell as Wynn and Peter. We played girls against the guys, and it was so much fun both flirting with you and teasing you at the same time. What was really fun was the way you tried to distract me by kissing me when it was my turn, or playing with my hair, or anything you could to make that zing go through my body and make me tingle in places that I’d never really thought about too much. Unfortunately for you, the tingle set me on fire which made me do really well.

  Bowling was the one exception with ball games and me. I couldn’t play football worth a squat, but I could aim down the alley. Maybe it was because I wasn’t really a team player and bowling was more of a one-on-one thing? Who knows? Anyway, the girls did pretty decent, and for a while I was leading them to a win, but we didn’t win. Who would expect us to against a bunch of jocks?

  After, you took me home. And we sat in your car for a long time. Music on. You played with the hair at my face and ran a finger down my cheek and just stared at me with those intense, mosaic eyes of yours. I felt like I couldn’t breathe and yet like I was breathing a million times a minute.

  “I really am an idiot,” you said.

  “Yep. One hundred percent, prime time, idiot,” I said all breathless.

  “But, Cami…,” you paused, and I just nodded. “I’m terrified of screwing this up. Of hurting you. Of being the bad guy. I’d be able to beat up anybody else that messed with you, what do I do if the bad guy is me?”

  “Just kiss me, idiot,” I said for the second time in two days.

  And you did. You pulled me up close and kissed me in that way that you’d kissed me yesterday. Like nothing else in the world mattered but the two of us. I think I fell in love with you all over again for the third time? Or the fourth? Does it matter? I would fall in love with you many more times. I could have stayed there all night, in your arms, kissing you.

  But, my mama flicked on the porch light. It was kind of funny. It was at five minutes to eleven, but it made us realize she was serious about the eleven o’clock thing. She’d never really been serious about my curfew before because she’d known I was always with you, and that you’d take care of me.