If You Believe in Me

by Natalie J. Damschroder

  He didn’t know. PTSD was almost a guarantee, though no one could predict how or when it would manifest. He’d saved a lot of money over the years, with no wife and kids to spend it on. His parents hadn’t needed help. So he could provide financially, at least until he got himself established in a new career. He had plans for that, too. He’d have purpose and goals, things essential to adapting to civilian life.

  He wasn’t a statistic. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t add to them. Did Amber deserve that? Three years without him, much of that with no contact at all, and then suddenly she’d have to deal with his nightmares and flashbacks and bossiness.

  He had to grin at that one. She definitely wouldn’t take orders from him. First things first, he told himself. Get home. Surprise her. Propose in front of half the town, so the people she did so much for could give her the cheer she deserved. Then deal with what happened next, and next, and next.

  And in the meantime, try to kill the terror filling him, the likes of which he’d never felt in battle.

  …

  Amber stood at the refreshment table, pouring milk for a pair of tussling brothers, when the back of her neck prickled. She straightened and looked over her shoulder at the crowded main room of the rec center. Parents and volunteers bent over kids, helping with food and crafts. Glitter dusted every surface on the far side of the room. Overall, the commotion was controlled and positive. Normal.

  So why did she keep getting this sense of being watched? Not a single pair of eyes was on her. Well, except for Rina’s. She’d been a bit hovery, unconvinced that Amber was okay after last night’s drinking binge.

  She studied the crowd while she re-pinned the red and white hat on her head and tugged her too-short skirt a little lower. She’d either grown in all the wrong places, or was getting old. She didn’t remember feeling so exposed in past years. There was an extra elf costume, but the striped tights, tunic, and hat with pointy ears just felt wrong. If I wear this costume all day without a wardrobe malfunction…

  The sound of sleigh bells jingled over the loudspeaker, and the buzz in the room turned into excited expectation.

  “Ho ho ho!” Santa strode out of the storeroom, arms wide, dragging a gigantic red and green velvet sack behind him. Amber frowned. Why was it on the floor instead of over his shoulder? Before she could do more than think the question, she was jostled by surging kids and jumped to get them organized in a line before they mobbed him. He boomed out a few more hos and settled his padded bulk onto the big wooden chair. The fluffy beard and wig hid almost every bit of his face, and the florescent lights reflected off the gold-rimmed glasses. No one here would be able to identify Danny, even knowing it was him under the padded costume.

  His voice came over the loudspeaker now, the hearty, deep Santa version giving instructions on how the photos and gift giving were to work. That was new. Amber would have to praise his genius later, because the extra volume and reach gave authority to his words and made it easier for her and the three teenager elves to get everyone organized. Though why he announced that everyone should sit on his left knee, she had no idea.

  She made sure Hannah knew how to handle the borrowed camera and printer and that Penny was ready with the candy canes. The next fifteen minutes were a whirlwind of asking kids what they were going to say to Santa, getting their whispered answers, and sending them over to him while she and Meredith found packages with the most appropriate gift for each one.

  Amber was bent over the dais collecting a special present she’d set aside for one of the shelter kids when a premonition swept over her, so strong her vision went dark around the edges. Kale. She knew, just knew, that when she stood again, he’d be right there, watching her.

  Her heart hammered when she slowly rose, but the space between her and the hallway entry was empty. The swinging door itself was closed, unmoving. She twisted to check the main entrance at the other end of the room. Nothing. Kids squealed and bounced as they opened presents, showing them to equally excited parents. Shreds of colorful paper littered the floor. But again, not a single person was looking at her.

  She took a long, slow breath. Her fingers tightened around the package until the wrapping crinkled. If it doesn’t tear before I pass it to Santa…

  Santa’s waving hand bumped her hip. Without looking down, she placed the present into it and stood still, waiting for the waves of goosebumps to stop. She felt Kale so strongly. She would have bet her life that he was in this room. But no matter how she scoured, how hard she looked at every face, she couldn’t see anyone who could be him.

  He’s dead. She blinked back tears and told herself how ridiculous that was. But wasn’t that how it happened? A person would see a loved one, or hear their voice, or sense them nearby, and shortly after they found out that loved one had died around that exact moment.

  She had to get out of here. But there was still a steady stream of kids, and this was just the first wave. After all the festivities for the town’s underprivileged, they had open Santa hours so people could get photos and kids could tell Santa what they hoped would be under the tree tomorrow morning. That part served as a fundraiser for the first part, and Amber had to be here for all of it. If we don’t run out of photo paper halfway through the second wave…

  Ten minutes later, it happened again. This time she could have sworn she smelled him. A hint of his warm, musky skin overlaid with the aftershave he’d worn the whole time she’d known him. A sob of hysteria nearly escaped her. Why was this happening? She needed to check her phone. It was in the storeroom, with her clothes, and she couldn’t leave. She spun to find her cousin and spotted her hurrying up the side of the room.

  “What’s going on with you?” Rina whispered fiercely.

  “I need my phone. Please. Back there.” She waved a finger at the dark room behind them. “In my tote bag.”

  “Okay, fine. Calm down. I’ll be right back.”

  But she didn’t come right back. Amber grew more agitated every minute, and was just about to rush back there herself when Rina hurried out, her eyes glistening.

  “What? Oh my God, what did you see?” She snatched the phone away and handed off another kid to Santa, who grunted as if he was in pain.

  If there are no calls, no e-mails, no tweets… She thumbed it on and skimmed to the missed calls. Nothing.

  “It’s okay,” Rina soothed. “There’s nothing on there. No texts or anything.”

  Amber didn’t trust her. She checked the text section, her e-mail, and Twitter and Facebook no matter how ridiculous that was. Rina was right. There was nothing there.

  She dialed her home number and lifted the phone to her ear. Meredith mouthed “stuffed giraffe” at her and she sat on the second step of the dais to find it while she listened to her home phone ring and ring. No messages there, either.

  “See? Everything’s fine.” Rina took the phone and hurried away before Amber could confront her about the tension in her voice.

  What the hell was going on?

  …

  Kale should have thought this through better.

  He swallowed a moan as a kid who had to weigh a buck twenty thudded hard on his left leg. What was he, fifteen? This event had always been designated twelve and under. They were growing underprivileged kids big these days.

  A half an hour ago, Kale had hidden in the dark storeroom, practically giddy with excitement that everything was coming together. The extra room in the plane had let him rest in relative comfort. He’d taken a pain pill and slept through the flight and taxiing to the gate at Boston Logan, only waking when the attendant had shaken him. The first rental car company he’d approached had a car available, and they’d given him a military discount. There’d been little traffic and no delays on his drive, and he’d arrived just before the rec center doors opened to let all the families in.

  He still couldn’t believe he’d sneaked in unseen—not just into the rec center, but into town, even. He’d waited in the storeroom next to the Santa outfit,
hoping like hell the person who came to put it on would go along with his plan. And lo and behold, it had been his good old friend Danny.

  That’s when everything went to hell. Danny had walked in and closed the door, clicking on the light and reaching for the Santa suit at the same time.

  “Hi,” Kale had said, standing well out of reach when Danny jumped. But Danny was no soldier. He jumped back instead of forward. Watching the stream of emotion across his face stripped Kale of any happiness he’d held onto.

  Shock. Dawning understanding. Joy. All expected, all welcomed. But then despair so dark Kale had only seen it on the battlefield. Danny glanced over his shoulder, and Kale understood.

  His old friend was in love with Amber. Maybe was with Amber. The pain of it almost sent Kale to his knees.

  But then Danny hauled him into a hug, thumping him on the back. Laughing. Crying. Kale could hardly understand what the guy was saying through it all.

  “Holy shit, man, she was right! I can’t believe it. You’re alive!”

  “What?” Kale pulled back, his turn to be shocked. “What do you mean, I’m alive?”

  They spent ten minutes in rapid conversation, Kale in disbelief. He’d had no idea the government had told his family he was missing. That had to be an error, but holy hell, how long had they been left like that?

  His parents had decided he was dead. Thank God they were on a cruise. His surprise reappearance could have given them literal heart attacks. He hated the thought of abandoning his goal when he was so damned close to success, but maybe it would be smart.

  Danny shook his head at him. “Why didn’t you just walk into the rec center?”

  Kale snorted. “Because I’m an asshole.” He confessed his grand, romantic plan, aware his concerns were revealed in his voice.

  Danny said, “She never gave up, man. She’s never stopped loving you. Never stopped believing you’d be back. Go for it.” And he slapped Kale hard on the right shoulder, sending a shockwave down his side. Kale doubled over, still so taken aback by everything he’d just learned that he couldn’t hide his gasp of pain.

  Danny came up with the speaker idea, and Kale practiced making his ho ho hos sound like his friend’s. He changed into the Santa costume and dragged the bag of presents out after him, unable to lift it so much as an inch off the ground.

  The whole time he’d sat here, Amber had never looked at him. A couple of times she’d acted oddly, looking around or holding very still, and Kale thought she might be on to him. But then she went on with her job. Déjà vu. That short skirt flipping around her legs, the way she bent over to get the presents—she used to do it on purpose. Kale realized Danny had watched her last year and fought off a surge of jealousy that had him squeezing the baby on his lap until it giggled as if he were tickling it.

  But Kale’s worries from the plane returned, and he got stuck in his fears. They were even stronger now that he knew she had no clue why he hadn’t been in touch with her for so long. He sat there, listening to lisping kids rattle off their wish lists, handing them presents, staring into the flash on the camera.

  Sweating. Aching. And for the first time in his life, being a coward.

  Finally, he couldn’t wait any longer. Every possible response had played itself out in his head, and he was close to vomiting with the weight of his inertia. The next kid was crying and pushing back against his mother, so Kale took advantage of the moment.

  “Amber.”

  She froze halfway across the red half-circle rug. Slowly turned away from the crying child and the helpless elf trying to tug him toward Santa. Amber’s eyes were huge, her mouth open a little. Kale didn’t want to move, knew changing positions would make his wound scream, but he had to do this right. He levered himself rigidly off the chair and onto the floor, his left knee down. He couldn’t help leaning on the right knee to take the pressure off his side, blowing out a breath of annoyance.

  Amber stayed where she was, standing tall and strong and in what appeared to be complete immobility, while the room slowly went quiet around them. Kale ignored the murmured “Danny!”s and nervous throat-clearings. He slowly got his hand into his pants pocket and pulled out the ring he’d schlepped halfway across the world. Then he pulled off the Santa hat and beard. The gasp that went up made him smile, but he never took his eyes off Amber.

  Fingers trembled as he tipped open the box. Amber’s eyes filled with…fury. In three strides she was in front of him. He looked up, his heart in his throat.

  And then she punched him in the face.

  Chapter Six

  “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

  Dazed, Kale held himself off the floor with one hand while Amber clutched him and peppered his jaw with apologetic kisses. It was kind of funny that she thought she’d hurt him. The jaw tap wouldn’t even leave a bruise, but the impact had been enough to make him twist, and the movement shot agony through his torso.

  “It’s okay.” He’d gotten his breath back, along with a surge of relief at Amber’s secondary reaction. He wrapped his free arm around her waist and straightened. Her next kiss landed on his mouth and he took immediate advantage, cupping the back of her head to hold her in place while he drugged himself with her scent. She smelled so sweet, felt so soft, tasted so amazing. He was home. Home.

  Thunderous applause and cheering penetrated his awareness and he slowly ended the kiss but kept her close. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “But I think I’m going to pass out.”

  Amber shouted for help, and Danny and some other guy hurried over to get Kale off the floor. Amber led them outside and down the hall to an office with a sofa, and Kale let them lower him to it, as much as he wanted to stay on his feet.

  “I look like a fuckin’ pussy,” he muttered.

  “No,” Danny corrected. “You look like a conquering hero. He’s hurt,” he told Amber. “You should get someone to look at him.”

  “Thanks.” She dismissed the guys and turned her attention immediately to Kale’s jacket, undoing it and pushing it open to examine his side. In moments, they were alone.

  “This so isn’t how I imagined it,” Kale said. He watched her anxious eyes as she lifted his shirt and peeked under the bandage. Her hat was askew, barely held to her silky hair by some kind of pins. “I’m sorry.”

  “Stop apologizing.” She smoothed the tape back over his ribs. “I think it’s okay. It’s oozing a little. Danny’s right, you should see someone. But you won’t die if it’s not today.”

  Kale didn’t miss the clipped tone or the roughness when she said “die.” He caught her hand and pulled her off the floor to sit next to him. He had to keep her close, touching. It was so surreal to be here. The white-painted cinderblock room, with its battered, cheap metal desk and ripped-and-taped couch, wasn’t unlike some field offices he’d been in. But Amber was here, tucked against him, her hands roaming up and down his torso and brushing across his face as if she, too, thought she was dreaming.

  Thank God he hadn’t lost her. Thank God she was still his.

  “What happened to you?” she asked softly. Her hand landed on his injury, but instead of hurting, it soothed.

  “I can’t tell you.” He pressed his mouth to the top of her head. “Bad guys. We won.”

  She didn’t seem pleased but didn’t push, either. Kale didn’t fool himself that that was the end of it. She’d ask again, or about other things. She’d want to know what had filled his life while he was away from her, and he couldn’t tell her much. They’d argue.

  But not today.

  “God, I’ve missed you.” He couldn’t hold himself back. He nudged her chin up to kiss her again. Her mouth opened immediately, letting him in, and he swept inside, reveling in her taste, her slick heat. He hardened, need pounding through his blood, and before he knew it he had her on her back on the sofa, her lush breast filling his hand.

  She ripped her mouth away from his with a gasp. “Kale, we can’t.” But her fingers tightened in his hair and she w
idened her knees to cradle him. “There are kids out there. No lock on the door. They can—”

  He cursed and levered himself off her. He didn’t care about any of that, but he didn’t want her to think he’d become an animal. Even if he felt like one.

  “Sorry,” he repeated. “It’s been…a very long time.”

  “I would hope so.”

  He winced and gave her another apologetic look. She shifted to her knees and ran her hand through his hair again. He closed his eyes to enjoy the stroking. He never wanted it to stop. With luck, it never had to.

  Wait. His eyes popped open. “Where’s the ring?”

  Amber’s mouth dropped open in horror. “Oh my God. You dropped it when I slugged you.”

  Kale jumped up. “Shit. All those kids out there, someone probably pocketed it. Or stepped on it. We—” He stopped. Amber knelt on the threadbare cushion, holding the ring up at him with two fingers. “You had it all along. You little tease!”

  She ignored that. “Kale Riker, you bastard. You have a lot to make up for. Will you marry me next week and get started on that, please?”

  “Fuck, yeah!” He hauled her carefully into his arms and kissed her breathless again, this time making sure her hand, with the ring, was wrapped inside his so it didn’t go anywhere.

  They were interrupted by a knock on the door. Kale held her long enough to slip the ring on. It was loose, but Amber closed her fist to hold it in place. “Come in!” they called together.

  A swarm of people flooded the office and dragged them back outside so the town could welcome Kale home. He tried to resist, but Amber nudged him into their arms, her eyes full of promise that she’d be there when he was done.

  …

  It was hours before they could break away and go home. Amber knew as soon as they walked into her little house that living in it would never work. It wasn’t just Kale’s size, though he seemed to fill the room and leave none for her. His force of personality had grown enormous and now took up as much space as his body did.

  Amber set aside her concerns long enough to welcome him home properly, grateful that she’d stuffed the king-sized bed into her modest master bedroom because a smaller bed would have made things…well, not impossible, but definitely less magical. Kale insisted he was cleared for sex. Amber didn’t believe him, but the first time took them both to the moon so quickly he didn’t have time to do any further damage.