“No. I’m good. So what’s up? Why are you looking for me?”
Are you coming to the séance?”
“Absolutely.”
“Fuckin Hal won’t go.”
“Is that what you wanted?” Robbie asked.
“No. I need some help.”
“With?”
“Elvis songs.”
Robbie placed his hands on his hips and nodded.
“I went to go to the Social Hall but the karaoke books were locked up. Fuckin Ben from Fabrics acting like they’re a secret. I’m trying to make a list. Preparing Elvis’ comeback concert.”
“Cool.”
Joe thought, ‘Christ’.
Frank’s head cocked up.
Robbie saw it. “What, uh, do you have so far?”
Frank flipped out his notepad. “Jail House Rock. Teddy Bear.”
Robbie waited. “And?”
“That’s it.”
“Not a very big list, Frank.”
“I know. He’s been dead, or thought dead for so long. He’s one of them artist you think you know all his fuckin songs till you have to name them.”
“What about Blue Suede Shoes.”
“Good one.” Frank wrote it down.
“All-time favorite. American Trilogy.”
“Fuck, that’s good. Oh!” Frank snapped. “My Way.”
“Your way what?”
“The song, My Way.”
“That was Frank Sinatra.”
“No it wasn’t.”
“Yeah, it was.”
“Hmm. What about That’s Life?”
“Frank Sinatra.”
“Lady is a Tramp?”
“Frank.”
“What?”
“No, I’m saying it was Frank Sinatra.”
“Fuck. He took all the good ones.”
“I know.”
“Tell you what?” Robbie said. “I have an Elvis CD. You want it?”
“Yeah.”
“Jason has it.”
“Fucker.” Frank said. “I was just there too, he didn’t know an Elvis song and he had that CD.”
“I don’t think he knows he has it.”
“Oh.” Frank shrugged. “I’ll head over. You coming?”
“In a second. I have to finish.”
“Finish what?”
“Um, mediating.” Robbie said.
“Ok. Save me some.”
“Save you some what?” Robbie asked.
“Whatever you’re meditating. It’ll be good.”
The corner of Robbie’s mouth raised when he realized Frank meant marinating. “You got it. See you in a minute.”
After a nod. Frank put his notepad in his pocket, and cursing, ‘Fuckin’ Jason’ walked out.
“Safe?” Joe whispered.
Robbie looked out the window. “Yeah. He’s gone.”
Joe came out. “Oh. He’s gone all right. What a moron. Frank Sinatra songs.”
“You know you can get your revenge simply by doing the séance.”
“Yeah, yeah.” Joe waved out his hand. His eyes shifted and he pursed his lips. “Well, all right.”
“Sweet!”
“Only this one time.” Joe lifted a finger. “And only because Frank is an idiot and Hal won’t be there.”
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
“Fuck. Hal walked in.” Robbie released the drape from Danny’s living room window. He had a perfect view of Frank’s modular home. It was supposed to be at Andrea’s house but Frank, switched it again.
“Shh.” Danny finished the final touches. “Don’t say anything to Joe.”
“Don’t say anything to me about what?” Joe asked as he walked in.
“Um . . .” Robbie stammered. “That you will be able to hear everything they say.”
“Your ass.” Joe quipped. “Don’t tell me what?”
Danny shifted his eyes to Robbie and then to Joe. “Hal’s there.”
“Christ.”
“Dad, don’t worry about it.”
“Robbie, Hal’s smart. Hal will see right through this.”
“No, he won’t.”
“Danny?” Joe asked of Danny.
“I don’t think he will. If he had suspicions, yeah. But if he doesn’t. No way.”
“But will he get suspicious?” Joe asked.
“He has no reason to even suspect you’re alive,” Danny said. “Robbie sealed that investigation about the prints. He saw your dead body. I wouldn’t worry.”
“Fine.” Joe sat down. “How is this gonna work.”
“Just transmitting you from here,” Danny replied. “I have four small speakers set up in the living room, small echo effect, and small electronic, static effect. It’ll sound like you but have a strange feel to it as if it’s coming from beyond. And...This monitoring screen.”
“Yeah?”
Danny gave a nod to Robbie.
Robbie indicted to the crucifix. “Camera.”
“Watch,” Danny said and put on the monitor.
Joe grinned as he saw himself and Danny from Robbie’s point of View. “Just don’t move too fast.”
“Got it.” Robbie looked at his watch.
“Like that,” Joe bitched.
“Sorry. I have to run. I don’t want to miss the start.” He moved to the door. “Good luck.”
“Yeah, yeah.” Joe waved him off. When he left he stood back up.
“Where are you going?” Danny asked.
“I need a drink.”
****
“Hoi Mini Weenie?” Andrea presented a plate under Hal’s nose the second he and Elliott stepped inside the house.
“Um, no, I’ll pass.” Hal took off his jacket.
“Elliott?” she offered.
“Don’t mind if I do.”
Hanging up his coat, Hal gasped.
“What?” Elliott asked.
“Nothing.”
“Hal?” Andrea showed him the plate again. “Are you sure you don’t want a tasty Hoi Mini Weenie.”
“I’m positive Andrea; I don’t want a Hoi Mini Weenie.”
“But they are delightful.”
“I’m sure they are.”
“Not hungry.”
“Not for a Hoi Weenie.”
“I’m so excited,” Andrea said. “Joe is coming back tonight. How do I look?”
“Wonderful,” Hal stated. “But Andrea he’s not coming back.”
“Oh.” She waved out her hand. “Visiting. Argue semantics.” She flashed a smile. “Get comfortable, we’ll be starting soon.”
“Hmm. Yes.”
Elliott inched toward Hal. “Captain, if you were going to be this cynical why did you come?”
“I don’t know, Elliot, perhaps I didn’t want to miss my father’s return. Hmm?” Hal asked sarcastic.
“I think it’s exciting. Although I have to say, it feels normal.”
Quickly, Hal shot glance his way. “Normal? Normal? Good God, Elliott, we have my entire family plus, gathered in my brother’s living room where a gay, eccentric, would be psychic clothing designer is going to try to conjure up my dead father’s spirit via a ventriloquists dummy and it feels normal?”
Elliott snickered. “That’s not what I meant, Captain, I meant I’m not feeling anything out of the norm.”
“Explain.”
“Feel. Sense.” Elliott shrugged.
“Oh, so now you are a medium as well.”
“I have a sense about me.”
“At this moment I am wondering if you have any sense about you.”
“Captain.” Elliott scolded.
“Captain,” Hal mocked.
“Captain.” Frank said.
“Christ.” Hal winced.
“That, too,” Frank grinned. “If you feel that strongly about me.”
Annoyed, Hal rolled his eyes. “I’m sure, I would like to call you Christ, but that is a reserved name.”
“True. Anyhow, glad you can make it. Sit down we’re about to get started.”
Frank pointed to the living room.
“Wouldn’t have missed it. Besides if we make contact with our father, I have a few questions to ask him.”
Frank nodded with a wink, reached into his back pocket and pulled out a note book. “Me, too.”
When he turned and walked away, Hal whispered to Elliott. “Look Elliott, my brother has progressed. He’s the Neanderthal Blue’s Clues host. Good God he flips open his handy dandy notebook and talks to our dead father through a doll. This is the man that leads our nation.”
With a shake of his head and a ‘Captain’, Elliott walked into the living room with Hal.
****
“All set,” Danny said. “Looks like they’re ready to begin. They’ll only hear you when you press the button so that way we won’t have any accidents.””
Joe placed on the headset. “I’m still leery about this.”
Jason, who was present, asked, “Why?”
“Andrea, Frank, Ellen. I don’t worry about. Hal, I worry about.”
“You mean that he’ll discover you aren’t dead?”
“Yeah.” Joe nodded.
“Joe, how will he even think that? Really.”
“Ok, what about changing things. We’re on the right path, you know.”
“We’ll simply double check the future,” Jason said. “If by chance things change, we’ll find out what changed and intercept.”
“You really want me to do this.”
“Absolutely, I don’t get much comical entertainment in my life. This is one of those times.”
“Christ.” Joe rubbed his eyes, and then looked at the screen. “What the hell is Ben from Fabrics wearing?”
****
Ben from Fabrics adjusted his turban and flowing silk robe as he changed his seating position in his chair. He seemed to be in the twelve o’clock position while a circle of chairs formed from both sides of him. Only the adults were present. Frank, Hal, Dean, Robbie, Elliott, Andrea and Ellen.
“Clear your minds. Deep breaths,” Ben directed as he held out his hands in his eccentric way.
Hal sat there in his typical pompous manner; legs crossed, and a smirk across his face.
“I’m feeling a clean energy right now, please Francis bring out the victim.”
Hal shifted his eyes to Elliott, mouthing the word, ‘victim.’
Frank stood and went into the other room. He returned with a bag. The second he opened it, Andrea started praying and gasped when he pulled out Bob the Dummy from the bag.
“Oh, my God,” Hal wisped.
Ben shot a glance Hal’s way. “God has nothing to do with this buster. Frank, could you take the duct tape from the doll.”
“Yeah, but I am not to fuckin blame if he vomits.”
“Oh my God,” Hal rolled his eyes.
With a rip-rip-rip, Frank removed the tape. “Now what?”
“Lay Bob on the coffee table, arms folded, please.”
The coffee table set center of the circle, and Frank laid him flat, crossing his little arms.
“Sweet Jesus,” Andrea gasped out. “I can see Satan in his eyes.”
Robbie snickered.
“I need everyone to prepare yourself,” Ben said. “The devil could be playing tricks on us, there is that chance. Then again, there is a chance that Joe actually is trapped inside of that doll. Is everyone ready?” He looked about the faces and began. “I encircle us with the white light of protection.”
“Amen. Praise.” Andrea shouted.
Ben continued. “I am moving into a channeling mode. Joe.” He chanted out. “Joe.”
Ben paused.
Nothing.
“Joe, we know your spirit is trapped in the doll. Joe. Joe can you hear us.”
Nothing.
“Joe are you there? Joe.” Pause. “Joe.” Pause. “Joe.”
“What goddamn it, what?”
A gasp, a unison gasp went around the room. Even Hal cocked back.
But within a split second of Joe’s voice emerging into the room, Ellen released a blood curdling scream, jumped from the couch and flew out the front door.
Dean, laughing, followed Ellen with an “I’ll take care of her, Frank.”
“Thanks, Dean.”
“Ok,” Joe said. “Someone called me. What?”
After stumbling from his chair, Ben, too, screamed the exact same way as Ellen and bolted out.
Andrea dropped to her knees on the floor, hands in prayer manner, repeating, “Sweet Jesus, Sweet Jesus, over and over again.”
“Great, just great.” Joe said. “Fruit loop brings me through and now he leaves. What if I’m suck?”
“Sweet Jesus, Sweet Jesus.”
Hal slowly stood up, eyes wide, peering around.
“Captain?” Elliot asked.
Hal held up his hand.
“Hal,” Joe said. “Sit down we’re visiting.”
“Yeah, Hal, sit the fuck down.”
“I’m just . . .”
“Sit down, Hal,” Joe ordered.
“Fine.” Hal sat down.
Elliott whispered. “This is amazing and scary.”
“Yes, isn’t it?” Hal said coyly.
“Fuckin told you.” Frank gloated. “Didn’t I? I told you guys. This is fucking great. Hey, Dad.”
“Frank.”
“What?”
“What?” Joe asked.
“You called my name. What did you want?”
“I didn’t want anything. I acknowledged you. But now you have to take Ben’s place.”
“Ok.” Frank moved to Ben’s seat. “I don’t have to use the turban do I?”
“No, you just . . .”
“Because I don’t look good in a turban and . . .”
“No, Frank, you don’t have to wear . . .”
“If it’ll only work with a turban I’ll wear one, but I’d rather not wear . . .”
“Frank!” Joe blasted.
“What?”
“You don’t have to wear a goddamn turban. Knock it off.”
“Fine, fuckin yell at me already.”
“Sweet Jesus.” Andrea gasped out. “No wonder your spirit is bouncing around Joe using blasphemy like that.”
“Well for your information, Andrea, which you don’t know because you didn’t die. God gives you three things up here you’re allowed to do. I picked that.”
Andrea drew up a queer look. “Of three things you chose using the Lord’s name in vain.”
“Yes, now . . .”
Frank interrupted. “What were the other two?”
“What?”
“You said you picked three things. What were the other two?” Frank asked.
“What does it matter?”
“Well, one day I’m gonna die and I want to preplan the three things.”
“You may not get three things, Frank.”
“Will I get four?”
“Frank.”
“What?”
“Knock it off.”
“I want to know.”
“Fine.” Joe sounded annoyed. “Swearing, drinking and smoking.”
“Oh, Joe,” Andrea gasped out. “You’re smoking again.”
“Andrea, what the hell does it matter? I’m dead.”
“True.”
“How’s that working out for you?” Robbie finally spoke up.
“Excuse me?” Joe asked.
“I asked how it was working out for you.”
“Being dead?”
“No, the three things you picked.”
“Very well, thank you.”
Hal sat back astounded. It sounded somewhat distorted, but it also sounded like his father. More so the way he spoke, the language he used. Hal watched Frank, staring intently at the doll as he spoke. Robbie, what was up with Robbie? He looked way too calm. As if he was in on something.
That was it.
Hal smirked.
Robbie had someone playing a joke on Frank. He had someone, somewhere, pretending to be his fathe
r. That was the reason for the electronic sounding voice. That was it.
Hal shifted his eyes around looking for the speakers.
No. He stopped. He wasn’t going to look. He’d enjoy. It was enjoyable. But he’d only let it go for so long.
“Why does he have that shitty grin on his face?” Joe asked.
“Who?” questioned Frank?
“Hal.”
“He sucks.”
“I beg your pardon,” Hal said. “I have a smile on my face because I am listening to my deceased father speak to us from beyond the grave. Is that not a reason to smile?”
“What? Him being beyond the grave or talking.”
“You’re an asshole, Frank.”
“Wait.” Andrea lifted her hands. “We forgot. This could be a practical joke being played us by the Devil himself.”
Hal thought, ‘Practical joke, yeah, the Devil, hardly’.
“How are we supposed to know?” Frank questioned.
Hal spoke up. “We can ask him things.”
“I plan on it,” Frank said.
Andrea shook her head. “No. No. The Devil can read your minds. We have to test him.” She stood up, pulled a crucifix from her pocket and held it over the dummy. “First test.” She put the cross on Bob’s chest.
“Uh!” Joe screamed, then after a pause, he laughed. “Sorry, just a little ghostly humor.”
“Oh, my God.” Hal sneered.
“That’s it.” Andrea snapped. “Joe, if that is really you, you’ll say that you love Jesus Christ.”
“Andrea ...”
“Say it Joe.”
Andrea, I am not. ..”
“Joe, say it.”
“Andrea this is ridiculous.”
“He’s refusing!” Andrea pointed. “Sweet Jesus it’s Satan.”
“Christ! Fine. I love Jesus Christ. Are you happy goddamn it?”
“Yes. Thank you.” Andrea sat back down. “Thank you, Joe.”
“Now you brought me here, what do you want, I don’t have much time.”
“Why not?” Frank asked.
“What do you mean, why not?”
“Why not. You’re dead. What else do you have to do?”
“Well, for your information, asshole, I have a job up here.”
“What is it?” Frank asked.
“What is what?”
“Your job.”
“What’s with the twenty questions?” Joe said.
“That’s why we brought you here to ask you things. What’s your job?”
“If you must know I am a guardian angel, and right now you’re obstructing my job to guard.”
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