My Winter

by Nikki Young

  “Thanks,” I say giggling again. “I’m fine. Working from home, so basically I’m doing nothing. How about you? How’d your meeting go?”

  “Meeting was good, but I’m gonna have to head back down here in a few weeks to finish a few things up.” He pauses for a second and when he speaks again he sounds nervous. “Hey, I gotta ask you something and don’t feel like you have to say yes, okay?”

  “Okay,” I respond without questioning.

  “My buddy’s getting married next weekend and I was wondering if you’d come with me. Like as my date. Yep, I said the word date. Hopefully you’re over that by now.” He laughs and I wonder if there will ever be a time I could say no to him.

  “Sure, but isn’t it kinda last minute notice?”

  “Yeah, it is, so it’s totally okay if you don’t want to go.”

  “Not for me, but for your friend. Didn’t you have to RSVP?”

  “Oh, that. Yeah, no big deal. It’s my buddy that I own the company with. It’s cool. Don’t worry.”

  I agree to go to the wedding with him and we talk for a while about nothing in particular. Just when we are about to hang up he stops me.

  “Hey, Leah?” he says.

  “Yeah?”

  “I meant what I said in the email. I really do miss you.”

  I haven’t stopped smiling since answering the phone and just hearing him say he misses me makes me think the smile will remain for the rest of the day. Something about his words ring true and honest. I believe him wholeheartedly.

  “I miss you too.”

  Almost immediately after hanging up with Adam my phone rings again, but this time it’s Cari. When I answer I sound far too excited and she laughs instantly without greeting me.

  “Guess Adam called, huh?” she says simply.

  “Yeah. Why am I so stupid?”

  “I don’t know, but I told you so. He likes you, stupid girl.” Cari laughs again.

  “He invited me to his friend’s wedding next weekend and I said yes.”

  “Good. That’s a good thing, Leah. Now will you stop worrying?”

  “Maybe,” I say jokingly.

  The two of us talk mindlessly about absolutely nothing for the next half an hour until Jimmy gets annoyed and yells for Cari to hang up. We say our good-byes and I tell her I’ll pick her up from the airport tomorrow.

  The next Saturday I’m scrambling around the apartment trying to find a pair of heels I lent to Cari when my phone starts ringing. I’m late and this is the second warning that Adam has given me. When I agreed to attend this wedding with him, he failed to mention that I would need to be up and ready to leave by nine in the morning. Only moments later, there is a knock on the door.

  “Adam!” I scream from inside the apartment. “I’m hurrying, I promise!” I grab the door, flinging it open just as I find my shoes crammed in the hall closet. I stuff them into my bag right before Adam pulls me into his arms. I’m laughing as I squirm to get away from him, but he locks his arms tighter and begins kissing his way down my neck. “I thought we were late?”

  “We are,” he says against my neck and the vibration of his words run through my body and I relax in his arms.

  “We wouldn’t be late if someone had told me it was an out of town wedding,” I reply, once again struggling to pull away from him.

  Since he returned from his business trip, Adam and I have spent far too much time together. The days have become rare that I actually sleep at Cari’s house and it’s funny because I thought it would begin to bother her. She’s been nothing but supportive of my relationship with Adam. The best part is that I’ve been able to spend time with Cari and Adam, which was unheard of when I was with Ellis.

  “Where’s Cari?” he whispers in my ear and the feeling makes me shiver as he pushes me toward the bedroom.

  “She’s at the gym,” I answer as his fingers unbutton my jeans, sliding them down my legs. “We’re late. Don’t you…” My thoughts are interrupted as his hand starts to slide into my underwear. When he lays me down on the bed and begins to trail kisses down my body, stopping exactly where he knows it will distract me; all sense of being late is gone.

  Five hours later we arrive in St. Louis just minutes before the ceremony begins. We slide into the white wooden folding chairs in the back row. It’s a quaint service with only about fifty people and no bridal party. Adam slips his hand into mine and bringing it to his lips, he places a few small kisses on the tips of my fingers. I rest my head on his shoulder as he places our entwined hands in his lap.

  I pay little attention to the ceremony. My thoughts are consumed with wondering how two people can be so sure that they are right for each other, that they can make that commitment when the world is full of what-ifs, the kind that make me second-guess every decision I ever make.

  The reception begins immediately following the ceremony and Adam is adorable with his friends. They laugh and joke and when he gets up in front of the guests to give a speech, I can see a true love and respect for his friend and his new bride. While he’s talking with his friends, I sneak off to the bar. Waiting for the bartender to get my drink, my phone vibrates in my clutch.

  Adam: Did you see the girl at the bar in the red heels? She’s ridiculously distracting. I’m gonna ask her to dance. FYI…one of my friends commented on your ass and I kinda wanted to punch him in the face.

  Everything about him makes me smile. I drop my phone back in my clutch and meet Adam as he stands waiting for me on the dance floor. He puts his hand out and I take it. Pulling me against his chest, I instantly feel calm. Adam is like home and when he holds me in his arms I know there’s no place else I’d rather be.

  His hand moves slowly down my back coming to rest right above my butt, pressing firmly. His other hand cups the back of my neck as I wrap my arms around his neck, pulling myself closer, feeling the weight of his body. My head falls to the side when the music begins to play and Adam’s lips graze my cheek. David Gray’s “This Years Love” is playing and Adam begins to softly sing the lyrics in my ear. The words of the song ringing true and so fitting to what has become of our relationship. Nothing is more perfect than this moment.

  Adam pulls back, he runs his thumb along my cheek, and places a kiss on my forehead. “You wanna get out of here?” he asks.

  “Yeah,” I answer quietly.

  I excuse myself to go to the bathroom while Adam says good-bye to his friends. As I’m exiting the bathroom, I run into Adam’s business partner Mike.

  “Great wedding,” I say smiling.

  “Hey, Leah. Thanks,” he says leaning in and kissing me on the cheek. “You guys heading out?”

  “Yep. Long drive. Guess we’re both tired.”

  “You know, he’s head over heels for you, right?” Mike says from out of nowhere.

  “What?”

  “Adam. You’re all he ever talks about. I’ve never seen him like this. Not even when he was married to that princess he called his wife. You’re good for him, Leah.” He chuckles slightly and kisses my cheek again just as Adam’s walking up. His laugh is almost as if he’s in on a joke that I don’t understand. The two guys smirk at each other, say their good-byes and Adam and I leave.

  Adam takes my hand in his, tightening his grip. He smiles at me as we leave the reception room and walk to the elevators that lead to the hotel rooms. I smile back at him and when the elevator door closes, he pulls me to him and kisses me hard. It takes the air right out of my lungs and I whimper when his tongue slips between my lips. I will never forget the touch of his lips, his fingers, his skin against mine. It makes me feel everything; it makes me feel like I never have before.

  We enter the hotel room and Adam pulls me into his arms. His embrace is warm and comforting as he just holds me and I let my guard down. It’s okay to let him love me. As much as I’m terrified, I need him.

  Adam’s lips find their way to my neck and his hands unzip my dress. It falls to the floor as I reach for the hem of his shirt. Lifting it ove
r his head, he tosses it to the side. My entire body is craving the feeling of his skin against mine. I wrap my arms around his neck, and then slide them down his chest. I need it slow, his touch is overwhelming as I start to feel like something about this moment is different than all the others. My body is on fire and the sensation of his hands all over my skin fills me with just exactly how much I need him.

  Adam moves us to the bed, looming over me with his beautiful eyes focused on my face, and I nearly lose it. This man wants me. He brushes my hair out of my face with his hand and rests it on my cheek. I close my eyes as he places a few soft kisses on my lips.

  The words he whispers make me hold my breath. “You saved me, Leah. It’s always been you. I just didn’t know it.”

  When I finally exhale, it comes out as a sob and before I realize it, I’m crying. My hand grips the back of his neck and I pull him as close as I can, silencing my tears with his lips pressed to mine. If only he knew he saved me too.

  Something in our kiss changes in that moment. It’s full of need and longing, a desire that only grows stronger. It’s love.

  True love is purely accidental. It doesn’t wait around for you to find it. It gives you one opportunity, a fleeting moment, a flash in the night, a chance meeting. It can come in the darkest of days, when you think life can’t get much worse. It can find you when you least expect it and sweep you off your feet. It makes you vulnerable, opens your heart and shows your insecurities. It means that someone, just one person, can get inside you and you let them, even though you know there’s a chance they may one day break your heart. But in opening your heart, you find that your dreams become your reality. In that painful, exhilarating, throbbing moment, you let yourself fall in love.

  I pull Adam on top of me and push his pants down. I need him inside me and he understands. He pushes into me and we both moan. He feels so good; I never want this to end.

  “Leah,” he murmurs. “I love everything about you.”

  I smile, because it’s enough of a declaration for me. I wrap my arms around him as Adam starts to move. Adam’s hands continually run up and down my body as if he can’t get enough and I know just how he feels. I can’t let go of him because if I do, this might all fade away.

  We start off slow and deliberate, taking each other in, but as the need grows, the rhythm quickens. With every kiss from Adam’s mouth, my body ignites, like small sparks exploding everywhere.

  “Leah,” he groans and begins driving harder into me. I arch up to meet him and my entire body tingles.

  “Adam, please,” I cry. I want all of him and he responds pushing farther and harder. I’m desperate for him, desperate to get there with him. My body begins to tense and I know it’s only a matter of time before I find my release.

  “Now, Leah,” he moans and we both cry out, letting go at the same time. It’s heady and amazing and unreal.

  I have never felt the emotional attachment that people say comes from having sex with someone. That is until now. Suddenly I feel vulnerable, like Adam has control of me and I don’t ever want it to end.

  I look up at him, into his striking nearly gray eyes, and I realize I want more from Adam. He smiles down at me, his breathing still labored and rough when I softly put my lips to his. My stomach flutters when they touch and I know there’s no going back now.

  Adam rolls onto his back and I settle myself against him, my arm resting on his stomach. He kisses my head a few times and sighs.

  We lay in silence for a few minutes before Adam looks down at me. He smiles weakly and chuckles.

  “What?” I ask.

  “You are the most amazingly beautiful woman I have ever seen. You’re even more beautiful right now.” He runs his fingers down my cheek. “Your cheeks are flushed, your lips swollen, your hair disheveled, it’s so fucking sexy. But the best part, you don’t even realize it. You’re oblivious.”

  I bury my face in his chest as I feel it grow warmer. He puts his finger under my chin forcing me to look at him. He runs the pad of his thumb along my bottom lip making me tremble. He leans down and kisses me slowly. I’m not sure anything is better than this.

  Adam leans over, picking the phone up off the receiver. He calls and orders room service, ordering every dessert on the menu along with a bottle of wine.

  “Why’d you order every dessert?” I ask.

  “I didn’t want to get out of bed and look at the menu,” he says, nonchalantly.

  I smile. “I think I’m going to take a shower,” I tell him, yet I make no attempt to move. I’m relaxed, the bed is ridiculously comfortable and I want to bask in the moment for just a little longer.

  “Mind if I join you?” he asks.

  “Please do,” I respond winking at him.

  Adam heads to the bathroom before I even move. I hear the shower start up as I’m flipping through the channels on the TV. I drop the remote and join him. Opening the glass door, I take in his beautiful body before stepping in. He’s still singing David Gray when I slide my hands up his back, surprising him. Within seconds I’m pressed against the glass shower wall and he’s inside me. The cold glass against my back and the warmth of Adam’s body pressed against mine causes my nerve endings to react. Tingling and burning. The sensation makes me want to scream out Adam’s name as I shudder in his arms. Everything about him, about this weekend, about this moment is unreal. It makes me feel like I can’t live without him.

  Room service delivers a massive assortment of desserts. Chocolate covered strawberries, flourless chocolate cake, cheesecake with berries, crème brulee and the one dessert that I knew would be there, but I prayed wouldn’t: St. Louis butter cake.

  The platters are spread out on the bed, revealing just how much dessert Adam ordered. He grabs a fork and pulls a chunk of cheesecake off the plate. He watches as I follow suit and plunge my fork into the butter cake. I close my eyes and moan.

  “Good, huh?” he says.

  “Yeah. It’s always good.”

  “What is it?”

  “It’s butter cake. My mom owns a bakery. It’s a specialty she makes. You can usually only find it in St. Louis.” I scoop a bite off the plate and stab a strawberry with it. I hold the fork out and Adam takes the bite I offer.

  “That is good,” he says smiling.

  “It was my dad’s favorite,” I say before I can stop myself. I look away hoping Adam doesn’t sense my unease.

  “It was your dad’s favorite?” he asks. I glossed over this conversation when Adam and I had our date at the baseball field, but I knew it would eventually come up again.

  I laugh a little trying to avoid the conversation. “Yeah, my dad’s dead.” The way it comes out sounds callous and it’s not intentional.

  “I’m sorry,” he says in response.

  I put my fork down and swallow hard. “I want to tell you what happened,” I say quietly and Adam nods. “I don’t talk about it, not even with my family.” I don’t even know where to begin. I wet my lips and take a deep breath.

  “My father was a Chicago city cop. He was one of those people, you know, he was so cool. You couldn’t even set him on fire. My brothers and I had so much respect for him. He loved my mom with all his heart. She was the center of his world. He was an amazing dad.” My words come out choppy and forced. I stop as I feel the tears well up in my eyes.

  “My oldest brother Joe played basketball. My dad never missed a game. Even if he was working, he’d drive over in his police cruiser and sit and watch the game in his uniform.” My breathing is growing rapid and I pause to try to calm myself down. “One day my brother Tommy and I walked over to watch Joe play. My dad had said he’d be at the game, but by the fourth quarter my dad still wasn’t there. It wasn’t that unusual because sometimes he got caught up at work, but I remember thinking something was off. I had a strange feeling. The game ended and my dad still hadn’t made it. We waited for Joe and the three of us started to walk home.” I stop again. The picture so vivid in my mind that it feels like I’m li
ving it all over again. My stomach clenches and I realize I’m silently crying.

  I cough a little as my chest begins to tighten. The feeling moves to my throat, like a vice it closes even tighter, as if it wants the words to remain unspoken. “It was snowing. Maybe that’s why I hate winter so much,” I say shrugging my shoulders. “We came to a corner just a block from the school and when we turned, my dad’s cruiser was there surrounded by ambulances and flashing lights from other cruisers. I remember Joe running and Tommy grabbing my wrist, dragging me through the street. My shoes filled with snow and my feet instantly got cold.” I stop and wrap my arms around myself. My body is shaking and my hands clammy. My eyes focus on the wall across from me as the tears fall. “Funny the things you remember, huh?” Adam doesn’t answer; he just takes my hand in his.

  “My father’s lifeless body was slumped over the steering wheel, the horn blaring, the sirens from incoming cops so loud that I remember covering my ears.” I begin to chew nervously on my lip as the remembrance of it all comes flooding back. I can picture the scene like it was yesterday. The snow surrounding the cruiser was tinted a strange shade of red mixed with dirt. The windshield shattered in a spider web-like pattern with a small hole in the center. “I don’t remember screaming, but the paramedics had to sedate me because I wouldn’t stop.” The worst part about this is that I never speak about it and when I do, it’s almost as if I’m telling someone else’s story rather than something I actually lived through. I try to remove the emotions from it; like that will make it easier to cope.

  Adam slips his arm around my shoulders and draws me closer to his body. “I was ten years old, but it still feels like yesterday.” I press against him and Adam places a kiss on top of my head.

  “I’m sure it does,” he says. “I can’t imagine what it must have been like.”

  “I don’t remember a lot of it. It was like a dream. All these other officers kept showing up at the house to offer their condolences. Neighbors and friends brought over all this food and I remember thinking it was weird. At ten, I wondered if they realized that food wasn’t going to make things better. It wouldn’t bring my father back.” I pause again and feel a small chill run up my spine. I was angry with those people back then. The other officers, the neighbors, the friends, angry because their life wouldn’t change, like mine. They’d grieve and in a few days, a few weeks, they’d forget and move on, but not me. I’d forever remember eating lukewarm chicken and rice casserole and hating them for thinking food would solve all our problems.