Cockpit

by Joanna Blake

  And that was it.

  It was just going to have to be enough.

  "Margie has a cousin with a place in Charleston. She said she'd put in a good word. Said I had a job waiting for me."

  I paused, looking at Crystal.

  "Probably waiting for me."

  "Where the hell are you going to live?"

  I shrugged.

  "I'll find a place. Even if I have to stay in an SRO for a few days-"

  "An SRO? Hell, to the no girl."

  I ignored her, choosing between my few pairs of jeans. I didn't have room for much so I picked the neatest pair. The ones I'd be wearing to job interviews.

  God help me if someone wanted me to wear a suit or something.

  My eyes fell on the letter I'd spent hours agonizing over. It was already in an envelope. His name was neatly written on the front. I picked it up gingerly, like it was a bomb that might go off.

  "Can you... can you give this to Jagger? Not today. Or tomorrow. Just... eventually. Or if he comes looking for me."

  "You're really running out on him? Again?"

  I shook my head.

  "He's already moved on, Crys. And it's not a love letter. It's a promise that he can see his daughter. I just need to get a lawyer to draw up some paperwork."

  "I don't believe it. That man is crazy in love with you."

  "No. Maybe he was. But... well, that's over now."

  "I don't think so. I was there, girl. I saw the way his eyes popped out of his head when he saw you in that dress."

  I tried to keep my voice light. To not let on how humiliating that moment had been. I had cringed a thousand times when I remembered it. The way his eyes had skittered away from me. He hadn't been turned on.

  He'd been embarrassed for me.

  "He thought I looked ridiculous, Crys. No offense."

  "None taken. But trust me, ridiculous was not what he thought."

  I held my hand out and she took the envelope with a heavy sigh.

  "Fuck. I'm going to miss you, Red number two."

  "You too, Red number one."

  I smiled at her tremulously. I couldn't start crying now. If I did, I would never stop.

  Besides, I was tired of crying. It was time to put on my big girl boots and get moving. I had a chance to start over and I was taking it.

  I'd cried enough.

  I pushed the top of the luggage down and zipped it shut. There. It was done. Everything we owned was inside that bag. The other bag was Hallie's diaper bag. It just held baby stuff; diapers, wipes and snacks for the trip. I had my beat up old purse, a light jean jacket and that was it.

  "Are you sure you aren't just doing this so he'll come running after you?"

  I shook my head.

  "He won't. And since he won't know where I'm going, it doesn't matter. He can't come find me. Right Crys?"

  I gave her a hard look and she nodded. I knew she wanted to help. But I didn't need any meddling. It was over. That was it.

  "Besides, I don't know if I could forgive him for... her. It was just too soon and I... well, it doesn't matter now."

  Crystal nodded. She knew what I was talking about. I'd described the sexy blond at Jagger's place in detail. Down to the fact that her lip was pierced and that she wasn't wearing a bra. He hadn't even waited a whole week to get somebody new in his bed.

  But that was none of my business. He'd made that clear. And if he was moving on, I had to move on too. Not to another man. Just... away.

  As far away as I could get.

  "One last thing?"

  "Anything for you toots."

  "Can you give me a ride to the bus station?"

  She held out her hands, begging me.

  "Let me buy you a plane ticket at least."

  I shook my head.

  "No way. I'm doing this on my own. The honest way. It's all on me."

  She titled her head and sighed, looking at me with her big sad eyes. I knew she was holding back tears. Mostly for me, but also because of her elaborate taupe and aqua eye makeup.

  "Alright, doll. We'll do it your way."

  Chapter Nineteen

  Jagger

  ✈

  I stood a block away, waiting for the General to leave his house. I'd texted Jenny over and over the past few days but it looked like she'd blocked my number. When I called I didn't even get a voicemail.

  Yeah, she'd blocked me alright. Not that I blamed her. I knew how all this looked. I would be pissed too.

  Hell, I'd be fucking devastated.

  She thought I'd rebounded already. Suze's unkempt appearance didn't help matters. She'd looked like she'd been fooling around. Jenny had no way of knowing that Suze always looked like that.

  The General had left ten minutes ago. I took a deep breath and jogged to the door. I knew she was going to be pissed. I would be too. But I had to talk to her. To tell her the truth. I just hoped she would listen.

  I had spent the last few days imagining how she felt. I knew she was hurt when I'd called it off. Now I was afraid that she thought I'd never been in love with her to begin with.

  But that was a lie. The sad truth was, I was still in love with her. I had a crazy feeling I always would be.

  No matter what she said when she opened the door. Whatever she said, I would stand there and take it. And then I'd tell her who Suze was and maybe, just maybe we could talk about fixing what we'd broken.

  What we'd both broken.

  But she didn't open the door.

  I waited a long time before I realized that either she was hiding from me or she was out. I frowned. The house felt empty somehow. It was early for her to be out already with Hallie. It wasn't even zero eight hundred.

  Maybe she was already at the playground...

  I waited a few more minutes then I left, heading over that way. There were already some moms there, sipping coffee and watching their kids play. I recognized Crystal right away. She wore dark sunglasses and sat alone.

  "Hey."

  She gave me a look, not bothering to say hello. She did slide over and make room for me on the bench. She sounded disgruntled when she finally spoke.

  "Took you long enough."

  "What?"

  "To notice she was gone."

  My blood felt like it had turned to ice.

  "What do you mean, gone?"

  "Relax, she's not trying to keep your kid from you. She's being mighty fair about it if you ask me."

  "What are you talking about?"

  She sipped her coffee, staring at me.

  "You know, I had you figured all wrong Jagger. I thought you were in it for the long haul. I thought you-"

  She pointed her finger right at my chest.

  "-were one of the good guys."

  I stared at her. I could feel my heart thumping in my chest. I had a terrible, sinking feeling that I had lost Jenny. For good.

  "What do you mean she's gone, Crystal? Where did she go?"

  "She moved dude. Adios muchacho."

  My breath was coming fast now. I felt lightheaded as I tried to figure out what the hell Crystal was saying to me. She'd left? By herself?

  "Where is she? Is she safe? Is she alright?"

  "No, she's not fucking alright! She was in love with you! You fucked some other girl after she tried to tell you she had your fucking baby! Alone, by the way! She didn't have anyone to help her! Not even me!"

  I could just stare at her as she picked up steam.

  "You think it was easy being an unwed, teenage mother? Didn't matter that her daddy was the General. None of these bitches wanted to talk to her."

  She waved her hand at the other mothers across the playground who were watching us with rapt attention. They gave her a dirty look but didn't look away. How could they? She was practically shouting at me.

  "Never mind all the fun stories she got to hear about you. Oh yeah, girls talk Jagger. And she got to hear allllll about your conquests, SPD. Also known as Sergeant Panty Dropper."

  I flinch
ed. She had a point there. I had been pretty wild back in the day. I could suddenly picture Jenny pregnant, so beautiful and young and afraid.

  I was starting to feel like I'd really fucked up. Like I'd been too hard on her. I should have let her talk. I should have listened. I should have been more forgiving.

  Each word Crystal said slammed into me like a sledgehammer. She was really on a roll now. She was preaching like she was at church.

  "And you- you have a hot little blond lined up not five fucking minutes later! Well done, Jagger! You and your gonads have proved that you are a real bastard! I hope you are fucking proud."

  She pointed at my chest again. I flinched but I didn't look away. I deserved this. So I took my medicine. Every last drop.

  "It's your fault she's gone. And it's your fault, I lost my best damn friend in the world!"

  I was starting to get the picture. Hell, she'd made her point and then some. It was my fault. But she wasn't done.

  "And now she and that baby are alone, living in some flea trap. If I was a man, Jagger, I'd beat the crap out of you."

  I smiled bitterly.

  "I'm sure you would."

  I closed my eyes.

  "Please, Crystal. I need to talk to Jenny. She blocked my number."

  She crossed her arms and looked away from me.

  "Good!"

  "Listen to me Crystal."

  "Why should I?"

  I sighed, resting my head in my hands.

  "The blond is my sister."

  "Yeah, right. Jenny told me you are an orphan."

  "Not an orphan. My parent's weren't dead. I was unwanted."

  She scowled but she was listening at least. I took a deep breath.

  "Suzy - the blond - she's my foster sister."

  Crystal's overly bright lips opened in surprise.

  "No shit?"

  I shook my head.

  "No shit."

  "Where is she, Crystal?"

  "Can't tell you. Sworn to secrecy."

  She looked away, her arms still crossed. I hadn't earned her forgiveness yet. But I would get her cooperation.

  "But she did ask me to give you this."

  She pulled something out of her purse and handed it to me. It was an envelope. My name was printed neatly on it.

  "What is it?"

  She shrugged as I tore it open and read. It was a very polite, very neatly written letter. Jenny had perfect penmanship. But the letter... the letter broke my heart.

  Crystal was right. Jenny was more than fair. She told me she was leaving without saying why. It wasn't a Dear John letter. She said nothing about love or breaking up.

  It was an offer to co-parent, even if we ended up in different states. She was offering me parental rights, even though she had no real reason to. She told me that I would hear from her lawyer soon and we'd work out something that suited us both.

  I closed my eyes.

  I'd done this. I knew what it must have cost her emotionally to write that, to even contemplate it. As an unmarried father, I barely had any rights. Seeing Hallie without her permission would have been an uphill battle.

  She wasn't asking for child support. She was offering me my child. Giving back what I'd told her she'd stolen. But she hadn't really.

  She'd just delayed things a bit.

  "Where is she?"

  She stared at me, her leg bouncing as she decided whether or not to trust me.

  "Please, Crystal."

  "Tell me one thing, Jagger. Do you love her?"

  "Yes, I fucking love her!"

  "Okay, she'll kill me but I believe in happy endings. She's in Charleston. A youth hostel downtown."

  She gave me the name of the place and her phone number in case I needed her. I stood up and thanked her. For telling me. And for being a good friend to Jenny. She smiled at me and I turned to go. I had to get a move on if I was going to catch up with my woman.

  "Wait, before you go. Just one more thing!"

  I was already trying to figure out the quickest way to Charleston. I couldn't take my bike, because we'd be coming back with the baby... Maybe I could hop on a cargo flight to a base nearby...

  "What?"

  "Did you like her makeover?"

  "Her what?"

  "The day you came to pick up Hallie. I saw the way you looked at her in that red dress."

  I smiled. Suze was right. It had been a post break-up makeover.

  "I fucking hated it."

  Crystal smiled knowingly.

  "She looked hot, right?"

  I almost laughed.

  "Off the charts."

  She pulled her arm into her side in a self-congratulatory move.

  "I knew it! Okay Jagger, you're forgiven. Go get our girl!"

  I gave her a thumbs up as I ran off.

  I had to get her back.

  I had to.

  Jenny

  ✈

  I rocked Hallie back and forth with my foot on the base of the stroller, too busy folding clothes with my hands. I hadn't started at the bar yet, they needed to move the schedule around to make room for me. So for now, I'd found a job at the laundromat, washing and folding.

  It was alright, though the heat was starting to get to me. Hallie seemed to like it though, and they didn't mind that I had my baby with me.

  In fact, the lady who ran the place had taken a real shine to both of us.

  Hallie had some new toys and the owner Ellen had even started knitting her a hat. She said it got cold here in the winter. I had no idea what to expect when I'd come here, so I hung on every word.

  It looked like we were going to need winter coats.

  One of the reasons I'd chosen Charleston was the schools. Lots of colleges to apply to when I was more settled. Another reason was that Margie knew someone with a job.

  But the truth was I was running away. From the constant reminders of what I'd almost had. A man. A stable home for Hallie. From the very good chance that I'd see him around on a regular basis.

  With her. The blond.

  Or others... probably lots of others.

  And the truth was that was pretty much the only reason. I knew I would crumble if I had to keep seeing Jagger around the base. The college stuff had more to do with me trying to talk myself into this being a good idea. Dad hadn't been happy. He'd even tried to give me money, which was out of character to say the least.

  But after the mess I'd made of things with Jagger, I was determined to do every single thing on my own. Even pay for a lawyer. I had the appointment tomorrow.

  Two hundred and fifty dollars, just to talk.

  I shook my head and kept folding. It would take me a week at the laundromat to make that kind of money. But it had to be done.

  The only thing about it I hated was the time. It was easy to slip into a trance when you were doing laundry. Your mind tended to wander.

  And mine always wandered the same direction.

  Jagger, in a t-shirt and jeans. No shoes. The blond behind him. The look on his face when I'd told him the truth.

  The look on his face when he told me he didn't want me anymore.

  I closed my eyes, trying to block out the pain.

  What's done is done. Stop crying about it Jenny. It's over.

  Move on.

  Except I wasn't going to move on. I didn't want to date anyone else. I wasn't sure I ever would.

  I'd compare anyone I met to Jagger.

  And they'd come up short.

  Their eyes wouldn't be as blue. Their kiss as wild. Their hair as... tousled. I still wondered how he got it to look so damn good. From what I could tell, it was just Jagger. One hundred percent natural.

  So I tried to shut him out. And failed.

  I started early and worked late, making sure I made every dollar I could. Hoping I would wear myself out enough to sleep without dreaming. Finally, it was time to close up. I smiled down at my sleeping baby.

  "Okay kiddo, let's go home."

  A slice of bitterness cut thr
ough me. Home... haha. That was a joke. We didn't have a proper home.

  We didn't belong anywhere.

  Or to anyone.

  But at least we had each other.

  I kissed her head and wheeled us back to the youth hostel to sleep.

  Chapter Twenty

  Jagger

  ✈

  "Ow!"

  My head bounced against the wall as the plane dipped. Again. I was on the floor, stowed away as a favor by a buddy in the back of a cargo plane. It had been leaving at the right time and heading in the right direction.

  I hoped so anyway.

  Otherwise, I was going to be shit out of luck.

  This flight went to a base a few hours from Charleston. I had a small bag with me and nothing else. I was pretty much going to beg my woman to come back to me.

  I knew I was the living embodiment of a country western song.

  My woman done left me

  She run far away

  My woman done left me

  And I got nothing else to say

  Yeah. That was me. I put my bag behind my head and held onto the straps that held the massive cases on either side of me. I eyed them, hoping they didn't fall on me. Or that they didn't fall on me and then explode.

  This was definitely not regulation.

  If they landed on me, I'd be the one to get court marshaled.

  Even if I got squashed.

  I closed my eyes, rubbing my temples. I had to focus. I had to have a plan. What was I going to say to her? Start with the facts. She'd left because she saw Suzey. She thought I'd cheated or at least moved on too quickly.

  Which still sounded like cheating to me, considering how recently we were together. More than just together. We'd been madly in love. I sure as shit hoped she hadn't had the same idea... the thought of another man touching her made me sick to my stomach.

  So step one was convincing her I hadn't cheated. I had a dog earred photo of Suze and I as gangly teens. One of the few actual photos ever taken of me, before the service and smartphones.

  That had to be enough to convince her.

  Then I had to make her love me again. If I knew my Jenny, she'd shut me out. Hard. She told me about how she did it with her mother too, not mourning for months and months until it hit her all at once.