So no, I didn’t want Pete telling Dee the truth about what happened. What would that buy me? I’d still not be forgiven. I wouldn’t get peace and I couldn’t get free. It’d only make her hurt and, if I could take a bit of pain to ease hers a little, so be it. It was a sacrifice I had to make.
Dee
Sally and I had started having coffee together every now and then. She was trying to get over Alex and I needed someone to bitch to about him.
“Seriously,” she said, “you should find out about the song rights.”
She’d told me a few times but I’d not followed up. The only thing I’d done was ask Mum and Dad about it. They knew nothing and told me if there was any money coming from it or anything like that, I could have it.
I was sure that it’d be nothing.
“Yeah, it’s worth nothing now, while Alex is just playing at his club, but he’s just got signed. If one of those songs becomes a huge hit, that’s millions of dollars. Well, maybe not millions but a whole pile of cash, anyway. Every time someone plays that song, you should get money. Put your stake in now. Stake it like it’s a vampire. Not even a hot, sparkly vampire like in Twilight but an old school, hideous vampire. Stake it like it was Alex in vampire form.”
I think the getting-over Alex was going well for her. She was at the mean stage of recovery. For me, not so much. It was a dull and persistent ache. Chronic Alex Syndrome. My body craved him so much, even though everything about that was wrong. God, though, the things that man had done to me with his fingers and his mouth. I could not obliterate those thoughts.
Before that, I’d only dated a few guys. Some teenage groping in the back seat of a car or at parties. All hurried and clumsy. It’d been fun but not that much fun. Alex knew exactly what he was doing. If you could study sex, Alex would have a PhD.
“You’re thinking about him,” Sally said. “You have that look in your eyes. That ‘I’d do anything for Alex’s cock’ look.”
“No, I’m not.”
“Hell yeah, you are. You are even blushing. Don’t let me hold you back. If you want him, go for him.”
“I don’t want him.”
“Yeah, you do. And I mean it, maybe if you got together with him, it’d make it easier for me.”
I twisted the napkin in my hand. “I don’t want him,” I repeated, hoping to make myself believe it. “I want revenge.”
“So, how’s that going?”
“Terrible. I’m the worst revenger ever. I had a plan but it was an ill-conceived plan. Mostly it involved finding him then turning up here and making him uncomfortable. Now, I have no idea where to go with it. What can I do? Beat him up? Break his guitar-playing fingers? Spread rumours about him?”
“I see your problem. Can’t you get him prosecuted with the full force of the law?”
“I’ve thought about that a lot. They did nothing at the time. There’s no evidence that it was more than an accident. People saw him get into the car, barely able to walk, but that means nothing. His parents paid a lot of money to keep him out of trouble. And the local police chief is their best buddy.”
Sally sucked on her cheeks and thought about it.
“That’s tough.”
“Even if he had a change of heart and turned himself in, there’s nothing that can be done. Dad was obsessed with it after Jake died and tried to get them to arrest Alex, but he just wore himself out over nothing. He took it as far as he could go, to the higher ups in the police and all, but they said it was too late. They have real criminals to catch, all that shit.”
“You could make him fall in love with you, then grind him under your heel like a worm. That’d be fantastic.”
I didn’t want to say but that was the worst idea ever. I couldn’t imagine how I’d get Alex to fall in love with me without getting all messed up and hurt in the process. The best thing I could do was slowly extract myself from the hold he had over me. Well, over the entire band. To do that, I had to get Pete on my side. He was so firmly under Alex’s hold, but the one card I hadn’t played yet was his ambition. If we could get better gigs for the band, somewhere far away from here, then Pete would forget Alex in a heartbeat. That was the kind of guy he was.
“What about you?” I asked Sally. “What are your plans?”
“Lately, I’ve been thinking of getting away. Throwing it all in and going to explore the world. I have nothing to keep me here. I love my job but it’s just a festering pot of misery, having to see Alex every day.” She grinned. “And, if Carlie goes on tour with Holden, nothing would hurt Alex more than me leaving. Ha, he’d have no staff left to run Trouble.”
She was right about that. It’d be the worse blow she could deal him. Sally was so much better at revenge than me. She could be my revenge mentor. I could talk about it all I wanted but I had nothing. My plans hadn’t involved having all these awkward and stupid emotions.
“Or I might just stay here and date the barista. He’s pretty cute and he makes awesome coffee.”
I turned in my seat to get a look at him. I’d never really noticed him that much. Long hair tied up in a man bun, chiselled cheekbones, full lips. Sally really had a type.
“That’d be awesome,” I said. “Their red velvet cake here is super delicious too.”
“Yeah, and I could get him to spit in Alex’s coffee every time he comes in.”
I chuckled.
“I should get to work,” I said. “I’m on the late shift tonight and those kids need someone to sell them band shirts and twee dresses.”
“Yeah, well, don’t forget what I said about the song royalties. He’s screwing you over and, if you want to get to him, that’s the best way. It’s his best material. You could make him your bitch.”
I left with that idea swimming in my head. Alex as my bitch, that could be mighty sexy. Mum had sent Jake’s phone to me when I asked her. It’d taken her a few days to find it and I hadn’t received it yet. The thought of going through his messages now, after all this time, felt a bit ick, but revenge isn’t easy.
Alex
There’d been some delays in getting the contract signed but finally we went in for the meeting. I’d been working hard on negotiating the contract and I had no intention of screwing it up.
Matt came to reception and showed us into the same meeting room.
“Today’s the big day, guys.” He grinned.
Fabian rubbed his hands together. He’d have signed his life away for loose change if I’d not been around to protect us. This would be a huge step forward but that was no reason to sell out cheaply.
“We’re looking at stepping up the release process for this, so it’s timed with your festival performances. We want to maximise the exposure.”
We had a support spot coming up for Holden’s band too. I’d mention that to Matt, try to get some marketing together.
I nodded and read through the final version of the contract.
“Just one thing,” he said. “We want to change the feature track. There was one hidden away on the demos that we think will work best. Everyone was in agreement. ‘Fifteen Minutes of Sunshine’. Man, that’s a killer. Why isn’t it on your live set?”
Shit. How had that gotten on the demos? I’d recorded it once, a few years ago but with no intention of live release.
“That’s not possible,” I said. “We don’t do that song.”
“We could do it,” Fabian added. I shot him down with a glance.
Matt scratched his head. “Well, that’s the thing. We really want you to do it. It’s money in the bank.”
This was the last thing I wanted. Fabian didn’t look at me, but I’d given him the job of compiling the demos. He’d put that song on it? I didn’t want to say it but I’d not written that song. I did not want to play that song. That song was poison. Did no one listen to the lyrics? It sounded like a sweet love song, all hooky and feel-good but that song was a joke. A literal joke. Jake had written it about his love for the nose candy. It wasn’t explicitly stated but tha
t’s the full story. That’s why I’d pulled the plug when Dee started playing it. And now they wanted to release it as a single?
“There are others just as strong.”
Matt’s friendly grin had steel behind it.
“Look, if it was up to me, I’d be fine with whatever you want to release but the higher-ups, they make the final decisions.” He shrugged but he wasn’t going to budge. I wasn’t even sure if there were any real “higher-ups” or if he just used that to get leverage.
That pile of paper sat on the table in front of me, promising me so much. I’d be shitting all over Razer and every other joker who’d looked down on me if I signed it. We’d have a legitimacy that we’d lacked until now.
Plus, that big mouth, Hedley, had told everyone we were getting this golden deal. I’d look like a fool if I didn’t sign. The deal, the festivals, all of it dissolved in front of me. I wanted this. I’d played hard ball but I’d have folded like cheap origami during the negotiations if they’d pushed me. Because I needed them more than they needed me.
But it was Jake’s song.
The question banging against the walls of my brain was, “would anyone find out?”
Dee, she’d know, but maybe I could get away with it. Come up with a good story? Offer her money? Maybe she wouldn’t care, anyway. It wasn’t like the song was anything to her. I could tell myself that.
I picked up the fancy pen and scrawled my signature on that contract before I changed my mind.
The other guys followed me.
Matt disappeared for a moment then come back with a bottle of champagne and some glasses. A woman followed him in with a camera.
“Some photos for the website,” she said.
The three of us posed with Matt, the other two grinning widely. I sneered. My face wouldn’t smile.
***
We celebrated at the bar that night. Hedley ended up vomiting in the toilets and Fabian went home with some chick he’d picked up. That left me on my own. Cheers to me. I figured it was better to go home myself than hang out drinking more in my morose state. I didn’t want to listen to Carlie’s wisecracks. I didn’t want to deal with Drew. My own company was best.
I walked the long way home, hands in my pockets, my head down. Then I got to the traffic lights and realised Dee was beside me.
“Hey,” I said.
She smiled, a kind of smile. Nothing like the real thing.
“Mind if I walk with you?” I said.
“We’re walking in the same direction; I guess I can’t stop you.”
That was a yes. If she’d not wanted me around, she’d have most definitively said no. I took my hand out of my pocket, aching to hold her hand, even more to put my arm around her neck. To walk down the street with her, letting the world know she was mine. I was that stupid.
“I heard the news. Congratulations,” she said.
This was the time, the perfect moment when I could tell her about the track. It might all be okay. I needed to just take the chance and tell her.
“Just a sec,” she said. “I need to pop in here and get some milk.”
I stood outside the convenience store, watching her in the overly bright interior. She grabbed the milk out of the fridge, then stood, brushing her hair out of her face at the cashier. She reached into her pocket and took out a hair tie and drew her hair back into a ponytail.
She smiled as she came out.
“I missed out on breakfast this morning because I had no milk for my cereal. And I bet the guys forget to buy any.”
I walked beside her in silence. She told me about her job at the clothing store and a funny story about some customer but I couldn’t really focus on what she was saying.
Her hair shone in the moonlight and she became so involved in telling the story that it seemed like, for just a short time, her defences came down. I wouldn’t tell her about the song and I wouldn’t push too hard. With any other woman, I’d have made a move and not even considered rejection but, with Dee, rejection was high risk.
When we got to the apartment, she didn’t run straight inside. She kept talking, asking me about the contract.
“The only thing I’m worried about is that we won’t have full creative control. The company are making some decisions I don’t like.”
She punched me on the arm. “That’s got to be tough for you,” she said. “I guess them’s the breaks. If you want to work for the man, you have to do it the man’s way. It won’t hurt you to compromise.”
If I twisted things really hard in my brain, I could almost take that as permission to use the song.
“I guess I should go,” I said.
As I turned to leave, she reached out to stop me.
“Alex,” she said.
“Yes?”
She looked at the ground. I knew exactly what she wanted to ask and I prayed she wouldn’t. Pete had stirred things up, that’s for sure.
“Oh, nothing.”
Dee
I wanted to celebrate the fact that Alex had walked me home without me jumping him. I’d not reached for him or taken his hand or given him any indication we were more than just friends.
The lust monster inside me was slain.
That’s a lie.
The lust monster had been barricaded into a cave, hidden in the darkness and not allowed to show its face. But the lust monster wasn’t dead. Every night, it came out of hiding and took over my body. Every single night.
I shook my head, trying to shake out all the thoughts of Alex.
The things Pete had said weighed on my mind. I’d idolised Jake. He’d been the perfect older brother, always ready to help me out and stand by me. Everyone loved him and he never did a thing wrong. Maybe that was a bit too perfect. I mean, everyone has faults. He was messy, I knew that. He could be a total stink pig at home, even if he never showed that in public. Maybe there was other stuff he kept hidden too.
I’d wanted to ask Alex but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to discuss Jake with him and he’d made it clear to Pete that he didn’t want to discuss it either.
I had the next day off work, so we rehearsed in the afternoon. Pete was working at the bar that night. He seemed totally oblivious to any tension, like he’d planted the bomb in my mind and then walked away.
Maybe I’d been overreacting to the whole situation anyway. Maybe it’d been one of these weird guy things.
I walked home from the studio, just wanting to put on my PJs and curl up on the sofa. In between work and rehearsal, my schedule was way too hectic. I never got to be just a couch potato anymore.
When I got in the building entrance, I checked the letterbox. There was a parcel from Mum. Jake’s phone? That had slipped my mind completely.
The rest was just junk mail. I threw it in the bin.
The thought of checking Jake’s phone creeped me out a bit. It’d been recovered from the crash site, unharmed. A cop had turned up one night with the phone and a few other things in a plastic bag. The battery was dead, of course. Mum put the phone in one of the kitchen drawers and no one had thought about it since.
It probably would’ve stayed there forever, the way Mum hoarded stuff.
Thankfully, she’d put the charger in with it. It was one of those older model phones with a weird connector. It’d been the latest thing when Jake got it. He’d flashed it around, showing off the amazing camera. Now it looked like something from the olden days, a floppy disk drive or a gramophone player.
While it charged, I made a cup of tea. I started reading a book but ended up waking up in the dark, the book having fallen on the ground and my neck sore from being at a weird angle.
I put on a warm cardigan and some music. I knew I needed to check Jake’s phone but I didn’t want to. I really didn’t want to. It creeped me out.
I got Jake’s photo out of my bag and propped it up on the coffee table. If he was watching me, that might seem better. Then I heated up my cold tea in the microwave. It tasted a bit weird but no point wasting things.
When all that was done, I sat down, took a deep breath and pressed the “on” button. The picture swirled around while it started up.
Then the messages came up. There were so many. Jake hadn’t deleted many, that’s for sure.
I clicked a message he’d sent to me. It was a photo of him and Alex goofing around before they went on stage, maybe before their first gig. They both looked so young.
But it was messages to Alex I wanted to find. Or messages to someone else talking about the songs. Anything like that.
The first twenty or so messages were boring things like reminders from Mum to buy milk on his way home or arranging rehearsal times. Then there was one to a girl called Regina. That made me curious. I’d never heard of anyone called Regina at home. Who was she?
I opened the message and a photo loaded. It took a minute then I dropped the phone.
“Oh fuck, oh fuck. I did not want to see that,” I said out loud. I clutched my chest like an old church lady clutching her pearls, in absolute outrage.
It wasn’t that I was against dick pics in principle, if the recipient wanted to see them but, sweet mother of God, that was my brother’s cock. I never wanted to see that. I didn’t want to think about him having one even. He should be like a Ken doll and just have a plastic mound.
I picked the phone up and tried to get out of the message without seeing that photo again. There was a reply back from Regina, with a photo attached. I sure as hell was not going to open that.
More messages – Helena, Bae, Other Bae, back door chick – ewww, I did not even want to think about that! They all had photos attached. I deleted them all without opening. The list of chicks went on. And a whole heap that didn’t even have names, just numbers. That was worse. The message could be important but I didn’t want to see more dicks.
Most of the emails to Alex were about rehearsal times or gigs. A whole bunch of them from Alex asking where Jake was, saying he was running late. I smiled. That would make Alex so mad. He hated people not being punctual.
Rock Revenge: Alex's Story (Access All Areas Book 4) Page 11