Pure Abandon

by Jeannine Colette

  “Enjoying the sun?” Gwen says, coming out of the cabin below, holding my son, Gray. “I think someone is hungry.”

  Gwen places my baby boy in my arms. I put my finger in his mouth and he sucks immediately. Yes, someone is very hungry. Gwen laughs with her “a grandmother always knows” attitude. I smile back as she returns to the cabin.

  This sailboat isn’t your average dingy. Gwen says it’s a yacht. When you step inside the boat, there is a sectional sofa with a seating area to the right and television console to the left. Behind that living room is a dining area, to the right a kitchen. There are two bedrooms and two bathrooms, not to mention a small captain’s quarters. The wood glistens under the pin lighting and the cream colors of the carpet and furniture upholstery make the space look luxurious.

  I feed and burp the baby before taking him inside the cabin, settling him in his bassinet. Grayson is the newest addition to our family. Jackson is so in love with his little brother. He gives him kisses daily. When he’s not smothering him with hugs that is.

  “Where is Jackson?” I ask.

  “Your men are on the dock, looking at the big boats.”

  I step outside and look down the dock for my husband and child. Two years ago, I never would have thought I could be this happy. With all the trepidation and what-ifs that played in my head, I know I’m exactly where I belong.

  I remember the day I had to make the most important decision of my life. I was standing in the rain, watching Asher exit the W Hotel.

  I was just about to step away when golden eyes caught me. I couldn’t move. I was frozen.

  Surprised to see me standing there drenched in the rain, Asher left his entourage and started toward me. He leapt off the curb and ran across the street.

  Seeing him darting toward me, my feet found their stride and I started to move. I had to get away.

  “Kathryn!” he called out, dropping the white pearl-handled umbrella to gain distance. The rain picked up. I knew I shouldn’t, but I turned around anyway, and just like the day we met, I was entrapped.

  “Where are you going?” he asked, sounding confused, and he had every right to be. I showed up, but I was walking away.

  Looking at him, that one last time, my heart clenched so tight. The man who captured my soul and became my greatest friend, who had professed his love and life to me, was in front of me. The man who was so powerful and commanding was falling apart in front of me, as he slowly understood what it was I was about to do. And for a split second, I was afraid I was making the wrong choice.

  “I came to say good-bye, but I couldn’t do it.” My hands rose to my face and wiped away hair that was sticking to me from the rain and wind.

  “You know what that means, right? It means you love me. You can’t say good-bye.” He took a step toward me, placing his hands in mine.

  I quickly pulled my hands away from his, afraid if I let him touch me I wouldn’t be able to pull away.

  “No, Asher. You have it all wrong. I don’t love you. I never did.” I waited a second for my words to set in. “You have been an amazing friend to me. You showed me there is more to my life, that I don’t need to settle. You make my life make sense. For me that means I needed to meet you to know exactly what I want.”

  “What do you want?” His face twisted in discomfort.

  “I want my family. I love my husband. I love Gabriel.”

  His body stands straight, and he puts on his affront. “But I told you I loved you.” His words are pained.

  “Yes, you love me as much as I love you.” I place my hand on his shoulder. “But it’s not the love you deserve. You don’t want to marry me. You don’t want to have children with me. You deserve so much more, and you will get it. I think for the first time in your life, you’re ready for it. Now you just need to meet the right person. Some day you will meet her and you’ll let her know who the real Alexander Asher is. I only skimmed the surface. There is so much more you’re willing to give. You just have to find the one to give it to.”

  Asher stood in front of me, soaked from head to toe. The commanding man who always got what he wanted was truly nothing more than just that, a man. “I told you I always get what I want.”

  He does. He did. But…

  “Not this time.”

  Asher shook his head and looked almost pained. He always marveled that I was the one who told it like it was. And, with him, I could. I found my voice again with him. I discovered who I was, who the new Kathryn is.

  He reached for my hand, and this time, I let him. I wasn’t afraid anymore.

  “I’ll never forget you.”

  I smiled right back. “I will hold you in my heart forever.”

  Taking my hand back, I turned to head toward the subway, but Asher called out, “Take the car. Devon will take you where you have to go.”

  My body is soaked and there’s no way I’ll hail a cab. Even still, I can’t take his car. “No, this is something I have to do on my own.”

  And I left. Leaving the beautiful, exotic, successful, philanthropic man who had more to give than I would ever deserve on a street corner in the rain.

  My heart leaps when I see them. My two men, holding hands, walking down the dock toward me with their navy eyes and wavy, dark hair. They are twins.

  “Let’s go get Mommy!” Gabriel says to Jackson, and the two run down the dock toward me.

  My nerves catch up to me. I hate when he lets Jackson run on the dock. Especially since he’s not wearing his life jacket.

  Gabriel hands Jackson to me, and I raise him over the railing.

  “Hi, Mommy!” My sweet angel beams. “Look what I have!” He holds out his small hand to show me a plastic bag of goldfish crackers. “I was feeding the fish with fish!” His cherub cheeks lift into an angelic smile.

  “That’s awesome. Did you and Daddy have fun?”

  “Uh-huh. Where’s Grayson?” Jackson says as he shoves a handful of goldfish in his mouth.

  “He’s inside with Grandma.” I give Jackson a quick kiss before he runs inside to see his little brother.

  Grayson Monroe, my second angel. My new beginning. When I finally changed my name to Kathryn Monroe, it felt good. And when we were blessed with a second little boy, I knew there was no greater way to keep that piece of my family with me.

  Gabriel lets out a laugh and kisses my hair. His fingers twist the soft curls in his hands. I let out a sigh. This is bliss.

  “What are you thinking about?” he says with his lips pressed up against the top of my head.

  “Just how happy I am.” I smile and nuzzle closer.

  “Good. Me too,” he says.

  And we are. It’s amazing to think we almost weren’t.

  Gabriel starts the engine of the boat and drives it out toward the sea. The delicious scent and taste of the salt air brings on a sense of serenity. Once Gabriel guides the boat out of the harbor, the real fun begins.

  With the boat as close to the eye of the wind as possible, Gabriel pulls the mainsail with the boom slightly over the transom. Since I’m a terrible seaman, Gabriel has hired a deckhand to help him drive the boat. Seeing him pulling ropes, moving beams, and cranking away, I know he’s in his glory. This is where he should have always been.

  When the boat is cruising windward, Gabriel relinquishes complete control of the boat to the deckhand and takes a seat on the cushions of the deck sofa and holds his arms out to me. I slide into the crook of his arm and pull my feet up on the couch. I curl up as close as I can get to Gabriel without climbing on top of him.

  “Now this is the life,” he says with his Robert Redford megawatt smile beaming into the sunset.

  “Yes, this is where we should have been all along,” I gush.

  “So you don’t regret selling the house?” he asks.

  “Not one bit.”

  “You don’t regret moving to sunny Florida?”

  “Never.” I scrunch my nose at the thought of being anywhere else.

  Gabriel lets o
ut a laugh. I lean over and kiss him deeply and passionately.

  It was never a choice of Asher or Gabriel. The choice was whether I would continue to fight for Gabriel.

  I never loved Asher.

  It was always my Gabe.

  After my corner encounter with Asher in the rain, I found my way back home. By that time, the rain had died down. I, on the other hand, was still wet, but it didn’t matter.

  Gabriel’s car was still in the driveway. I made it in time.

  “Gabriel!” I called out as soon as I entered the front door. I ran into the living room. “Gabriel!”

  “What are you shouting about?” Gwen said as she entered the kitchen holding Jackson.

  “Where is Gabriel?” I asked

  “He left about ten minutes ago,” she answered. “Is everything okay?”

  I looked out the window. I could see his car. “His car is in the driveway.”

  “He must have gone for a walk.” She looked out the window. “I don’t know why. It rained the entire time he was here. What’s the matter?”

  I ran out of the kitchen and out the door. I had to find him.

  Exiting the house, I looked up and down the street. He was nowhere to be found. There was only one place he could possibly have gone.

  I ran to the park. There was nowhere else close enough to walk to. I took the path I knew he usually strolled with Jackson and followed it up a hill. As soon as I rounded the bend, I saw him standing at the top of the hill, walking away from me.

  “Gabe!”

  Wearing a white shirt and jeans, he turned around at the sound of my voice, his face a mixture of surprise, confusion, and what I could only hope was elation.

  I slowed my pace as I tried to catch my breath. My run turned into a power walk. Gabriel stood in place, waiting for me to get to the top of the hill.

  “What are you doing here?” He was exasperated.

  “I want my family back. I want you and me and Jackson. We are a family, and families don’t give up. They fight. They fight every day for what’s right. I know I betrayed our family and I know I hurt you. The thing is… I love you. I mean it, Gabriel Monroe. I am in-love with you. I will spend the rest of my life proving it to you if you’ll just give me a chance. I’m not asking you to forgive me. I’m asking you to try.”

  There, I said it. I laid my cards out on the table. And now I waited.

  We stood there taking each other in for what felt like an eternity. I knew I couldn’t say anything else. The ball was in his court. All I could do was wait.

  And finally, after seconds, minutes, hours, I don’t know… he spoke.

  “Every time I look at you, I’ll be reminded of what you did.” His words stung, and as much as I knew I should turn around and leave this poor man alone, I just couldn’t. I couldn’t because of that one little word.

  “Do you love me?” It was my Hail Mary. If I wanted my family back, it could only happen if he was still with me. I stood there waiting for an answer. Praying for a miracle.

  He lowered his head and nodded, “Yes.” He swallowed hard before continuing, tears threatening to break through his navy-blue eyes. “Yes, Kat, I still love you. I don’t like you, but you will always be the girl who dropped her books on a staircase and took my heart with her.”

  I couldn’t contain the grin that appeared on my face. “Then we should try. We love each other. We can do this. Let’s get out of here. Sell the house. Quit your job. Start over!”

  “You’d really let me quit my job?” He let out a small laugh. I didn’t think I’d be able to hear that sound again.

  “You hate your job. You hate it here just as much as I do.”

  “Where would we go?” he asked.

  “Anywhere. As long as we’re together. We can go anywhere.”

  And we did. We decided to live out the dream we had on our honeymoon. We sold our very expensive house in New York and moved to Florida. We have a beautiful home on the intercoastal and a boat, Breaking Wind II. Hey, it was part of our history and we couldn’t resist.

  Gabriel is still a lawyer at a smaller firm, and I’m working for a local Miami entertainment show. We even catch a few Marlins games every year, found a new favorite Chinese take-out place, and enrolled Jackson in T-ball. You would think Gabriel would be the coach, but it’s actually Gwendolyn. She’s really good at it. Though I’m not crazy about the blue cheetah uniforms she designed for them.

  It’s the life we should have always had.

  It wasn’t easy. We’ve spent a small fortune on marriage counseling, and it was worth the investment. I know there’s a part of Gabe that will never forgive me. But that’s what marriage is. Working together.

  We cried a lot in the beginning, but now we laugh a whole lot more. I feel like I know Gabriel better now than I ever have. Because now I know the boy he was and the man he is now. And I love them both equally.

  And Gabriel… he loves me. And he tells me often. The fact that he’s still here shows me he loves me more than I ever could have imagined.

  “Are you going to tell me where we’re going?” We packed for a long weekend, but, true to form, my darling husband didn’t tell me our destination.

  “It’s a surprise.” His face is illuminated in the bright Florida sunshine.

  “And I love your surprises.” I fall deeper into the crook of his arm. He smells like sunshine and the sea.

  “Twenty questions. Me first. Favorite thing about Florida? And you can’t say me or Jack or Gray.”

  That’s easy. “The house. It’s perfect.” A modest-sized three-bedroom bungalow on the intercoastal. I can walk to the beach with my boys.

  Gabriel agrees. “Yes, the house is beautiful, like my wife. Although, I have to say, my favorite thing is the fact that we can take the boat out every day.”

  Yes, my husband, the sailor. This is the boy I fell in love with and the man he has become wrapped in one delicious package.

  “Me next.” I love playing games with him. “Thing you miss most about New York?”

  “The food,” he says with a laugh. “You?” His navy blues sparkle.

  “The skyline.”

  “I promise I’ll take you back.” He leans down and kisses me passionately, his hand resting on my cheek, slowly pulling me in closer. I can’t believe I went so long without kissing this man. I mean really kissing him the way two lovers do. We were so caught up in life that we forgot to live for each other. I will never tire of kissing him again.

  Gabriel smiles, breaking our embrace completely. I look up at him and see mischief.

  “When do you want to start trying for the girl?” Gabriel asks, laughing a little since he knows it’s ridiculous.

  “I just had Grayson!” I hit him in the arm, my hair blowing in the wind.

  Gabriel takes his hands and smoothes the hair off my face, holding it in place on the side of my head. “I know, but I can’t wait to have a little girl that looks just like you.” He kisses my nose, and I melt at the touch.

  One corner of my mouth turns up. “Well… I am enjoying the practice. Maybe we can practice for a few more months and then try?”

  Gabriel holds out his pinky finger to me. “I promise to always try.” His words have more meaning than ever before.

  I smile, wrapping my pinky around his. He looks down at our entwined fingers and kisses them, sealing our promise to each other. “I love you, Mrs. Monroe.”

  The sun shines brightly on our backs as I kiss our fated hands. “I love you, too. Now what do you say to getting some dockside delivery when we arrive at our surprise destination? I’m starving.”

  His eyebrows perk up. “Chinese?”

  “You don’t have to ask me twice.”

  ASHER

  I don’t know why she always feels the need to shower at my place. It irritates the hell out of me, but at least I know she’ll be gone as soon as she’s done. It’s the only reason I keep her around. She may be a vindictive bitch, but she’s a great fuck and knows I’m n
ot going to ask her to stay the night. I don’t want her here all night. I don’t want anyone here all night. I may hate to sleep alone, but that’s my cross to bear. My penance for a wrong I did so long ago. I sleep alone, in the dark, and I like it that way.

  I push the covers off my body and lean down to the floor, grabbing the dress pants she so carelessly threw on the floor in her rush to get me naked. I slide them on, going commando and shirtless. I know she’s going to see me like this when she gets out of the shower and want another go, but I don’t care. I want her gone when she comes out.

  Walking down the hallway, I turn into the kitchen and grab the bottle of scotch I’d started before she arrived. I pour myself a fresh glass and savor the burn. Only alcohol that hurts is worth drinking.

  I take my glass and move into the living room. It’s a huge room in a huge apartment. Too big for one person. I know this, yet I don’t know how to live any other way. My house is nestled, if you will, on the top two floors of the Asher building. If you hit Penthouse on the elevator, you’ll go to my office. A very public space that everyone and their mother goes through, trying to get a piece of me and the Asher dynasty. What most people don’t know is there is a private code for the elevator to bring you here.

  It’s three thousand square feet of mine. I only let a handful of people up here. It’s one of the few things that keeps me sane. This and music. When I’m up here, I can relax. No one is asking me for money, a deal, a favor. No one can pretend to need me, care for me, want for me. There are no false pretenses up here, no bullshit.

  I could have bought in another building. I could have bought one of those brownstones or mansions on Park Avenue. But this is my building and I can control it. I know who goes in and what goes out. I can monitor my world from this building. For that reason, and that reason alone, I created my sanctuary on top of the world that I control.

  The living room is a two-story expanse of black walls and a black ceiling with floor-to-ceiling windows on the north and east walls. No curtains, no drapes. I can walk around ass naked and no one would be able to see in. A white marble fireplace sits on the west wall, surrounded by bookshelves and a giant mirror that reflects black and glass. A low slate-grey couch sits in an L-shape in the center of the room. Simple, clean… just how I like it. The room opens up to a dining area I hardly ever use, except for the occasional breakfast. It’s a black dining table with seating for eight. I’ve only sat at the head and have never had company.