Why Do Men Fall Asleep After Sex?

by Mark Leyner

  It’s 9 A.M. Leyner and I are sitting in our office, awaiting our first patients. After finishing Why Do Men Have Nipples?, we decided to go into practice together. Leyner’s BA in English and Masters in creative writing hardly qualified him to treat patients, and his adamant refusal to seek higher medical education didn’t help matters. (Leyner was violently opposed to the idea of attending school again. During a rather heated discussion of the issue, he smashed a printer we’d just purchased for our new office, and scrawled an adolescent vulgarity on a print of van Gogh’s Sunflowers hanging in the hallway.)

  When Leyner regained his composure, we realized that the thing that made our partnership work was our fanatical mutual admiration, our boundless love of arcane medical matters and our capacity to talk endlessly about our own insecurities and desires, and the personal crises and dilemmas in which life occasionally ensnares us. For some bizarre reason, people other than the two of us seem to be interested in what we have to say…. We finally agreed that if Dr. Phil could do it on TV, why couldn’t we offer our learned and empathic counseling services. This would preclude the need for advanced degrees, and, I also figured it was a way to safely keep medical instruments and sharp surgical devices out of Leyner’s emotionally unstable grasp.

  Our office assistant, Wendy Thurston, who was recently fired from her position as senior editor at Half a Dozen Ponds Press after she was arrested for shoplifting lipstick from a Rite Aid, escorted our first patients of the day into our office. They were a young couple. The woman was attractive, conservatively dressed, and—at first glance—seemed somewhat despondent. Her husband, dragging behind, seemed more interested in the defaced painting in the hallway than in being here to address “issues” with his inexplicably unfulfilled wife.

  “Who wrote ‘sniff my crotch’ on the van Gogh out there?” he asked as he took a seat next to his wife. “I love it!!!” he guffawed, slapping his thighs.

  His wife grimaced with chagrin. “You see,” she said, “I married a philistine and a troglodyte.”

  “Insult me in English, you pretentious bitch!,” the husband replied. Leyner assumed a fighting stance—the Drunken Crane pose of the Shaolin School.

  I remembered the last time that Leyner assaulted a patient and, hoping to avoid more litigation, I interceded and suggested that Leyner’s pose is the typical noncommunicative and defensive position that spouses take and that this impedes further discussion. A dissapointed Leyner shrugged in agreement and slouched into his leather armchair.

  As I turned to the fuming couple, I asked them to role-play with us. I offered to play the husband to our female patient and Leyner enthusiastically embraced the opportunity to play wife to the man.

  I began, “Sometimes patients feel more open and honest with a surrogate spouse, so I want you to tell me exactly what you need from me in this marriage.” Sheepishly the woman responded, “I need a partner, a soul mate, someone to talk to. Sometimes I just want to be heard. I don’t need someone to solve all my problems, I just need someone to hold me and listen.” The husband jumped at the chance to answer his wife, but I stopped him.

  “I want you to respond to Leyner as if he were your wife. This will keep the two of you from becoming defensive and allow you to see each other’s point of view.”

  Confused, the husband looked at the beaming Leyner and said, “I listen, I hold you, but it’s always the things that I don’t do. I feel like you don’t appreciate the things that I do. I barbecue, I walk the dog, I take out the garbage, I even put down the toilet seat. What do you want me to do? Lactate?”

  Leyner rose from his chair red-faced, tears welling in his eyes, spittle flying from his mouth as he gesticulated with melodramatic hysteria.

  “Bastard…You stole my youth and now you’re drowning my soul in your vile bullshit. You make love to me as if I were some inflatable doll—pumping for a minute or two while you watch Sports Center and then losing consciousness. You’re torturing me…I hate you. I HATE YOU!!!”

  Tears streamed down Leyner’s face as he wept uncontrollably. The couple sat silently, completely and utterly confused.

  So much for the role-playing. Unfortunately, there is no easy solution to the Battle of the Sexes, but here are some answers….

  WHY DO WOMEN PEE MORE THAN MEN?

  Any man who has taken a long car trip with a woman truly believes that women need to pee more than men. As we speed down the highway and begrudgingly pull into another rest stop, we wonder whether this is the result of a genetic difference, obsessive water consumption, or a vicious plan to throw us off schedule.

  If you happened to be leafing through the February 5, 2005, edition of The Journal of Urology, you could begin to find an answer. Doctors reviewed twenty-four-hour “urinary diaries” of both men and women and recorded fluid intake and urinary frequency. They found that women do pee more often than men but not because they drink more. In fact, men generally have higher fluid intake but don’t need to go as often. When men finally feel the urge, they tend to pee in higher volumes than women. This is because men have a larger bladder capacity. That means smaller bladders in the ladies. Women are also more likely to suffer from overactive bladder syndrome which makes them go even more. No wonder the line is always longer at the ladies’ room.

  Diaries and memoirs are a red-hot genre these days. There’s The Diary of Anne Frank, Che Guevara’s Motorcycle Diaries, The Personal Memoirs of Ulysses S. Grant, Karrine Steffans’ Confessions of a Video Vixen, and, of course, James Frey’s A Million Little Pieces. But, if you’re inspired by literary ambition, and decide to keep and then publish your Urine Diary, be aware that it will most probably be classified as “nonfiction.” You must account accurately for each and every drop, with absolutely no embellishment or hyperbole. Remember—if you fib in your Urine Diary, it could really piss off Oprah.

  WHY DO WOMEN HAVE SMALLER FEET THAN MEN?

  Overall, women are smaller than men. The “why” is an evolutionary question that is too complex for us to answer here. But the ways in which men and women differ anatomically is more approachable. Male and female feet differ in size relative to stature. Men of the same height as women tend to have longer and wider feet.

  When you compare a male and female foot of the same size, the woman’s foot will have a higher arch, a shallower first toe, a shorter ankle length, and a smaller instep. Women also have larger calf circumferences.

  Women seem to have an incredible knack for disregarding the shape of their feet and forcing them into ever smaller and pointier high heels. This callous disregard makes the foot differences between the genders even greater by ultimately changing the natural shape of female feet. In 1993, it was reported by the American Orthopedic Foot and Ankle Society that 88 percent of the women surveyed wore shoes smaller than their actual foot size. No wonder our wives are constantly patching their traumatized feet with Band-Aids and tape.

  ARE MEN BETTER THAN WOMEN AT MATH?

  Danger! Danger! Answering this question incorrectly may force us to sleep on the couch with our wives beating us with the infamous Teen Talk Barbie that was programmed to say, “Math is hard!”

  Harvard University president Lawrence Summers stepped into this minefield in 2005, when he suggested that biological differences might be one of the reasons that fewer women are in the fields of science and engineering. His speech led many professors to protest his statement, and others threatened to withhold donations. Several days later, Summers was forced to apologize. And he has since resigned.

  So here are some facts (though these are often debated)….

  The brains of men and women are definitely different. Women’s brains are generally about 10 percent smaller than men’s, but this is meaningless when it comes to intelligence. Men and women show no disparity in general intelligence. There are, however, some areas with slight variances. Women are better at visual memory, mathematical calculation, and get better school grades in mathematics. Men, however, are better at mentally rotating shapes
, mathematical problem-solving, and score higher on mathematical word problems and on tests of mathematical reasoning.

  Whether you agree or disagree on the interpretation of the available data, sociologists generally agree that social factors exaggerated any differences touted in the past. Women are clearly underrepresented in certain scientific fields such as math, engineering, and physics, but women now comprise more than 50 percent of medical students.

  In the interest of gender harmony, let’s create a new politically correct, asexual Barbie who says something neutral like “Cognitively rotating abstract shapes can be a daunting task—I prefer mathematical calculation and more linguistically complex and empathy-centered forms of interpersonal communication.” Fun!

  WHY DON’T MEN LISTEN?

  For this one, Dr. Billy exhaustively searched for an answer. How sweet would it be if there existed the perfect scientific comeback for the next time a women screamed at you, “Why are you ignoring me!”

  Well, here are the inklings of our anatomical answer….

  In the September 2005 issue of the journal Neuroimage, psychiatric researchers at the University of Sheffield reported that male and female voices activate distinct regions in the male brain. The scientists monitored the brain activity of twelve men as they listened to male and female voices. They found that in men, women’s voices stimulate an area of the brain used for processing complex sounds, like music. Male voices, on the other hand, activate a region of the brain used for producing imagery. This may suggest that, at least for men, the female voice is more complex and more difficult to hear and understand.

  But there’s more…

  An earlier study in the July 2001 issue of Radiology also showed that men and women listen differently. In this study, researchers at Indiana University had twenty men and twenty women listening to a passage from a novel. While listening, they underwent functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) of the brain. A majority of the men showed exclusive activity on the left side of the brain, but a majority of women showed activity on both sides of the brain.

  Now there is certainly more research to be done, but we can put these two pieces together and start to make a leap toward excusing occasional male lapses in listening to their female partners.

  So men out there, here is our suggested comeback when you are accused of not listening:

  Honey, I try so hard to listen. It’s just that my brain is incapable of doing what my heart desires. (Then go back to watching football.)

  WHY DON’T WOMEN HAVE ADAM’S APPLES?

  The Adam’s apple is simply a bulge in the human larynx that is made of cartilage. This area is called the thyroid cartilage because it is located right on top of the thyroid gland. If you want to get technical, you can also call it the prominentia laryngea, but Adam’s apple is much more quaint, don’t you think? It also is not exclusively a guy thing. Both men and women have thyroid cartilage and therefore an Adam’s apple. They are about the same size until puberty when increased testosterone causes it to grow more prominent in men.

  For some women, the Adam’s apple may be larger than desired. But fear not, modern plastic surgery can fix almost anything. All you need is a tracheal shave to reduce the size of the Adam’s apple. This sounds like it can be done down at the corner barbershop, but it actually involves making a small incision in the throat and cutting away some of the prominent cartilage. This is one of the most common plastic surgeries for male-to-female transsexuals, unsurprisingly.

  So where does the name Adam’s apple come from? Most people say that it is from the notion that this bump was caused by the forbidden fruit getting stuck in the throat of Adam in the Garden of Eden. There is a problem with this theory because some Hebrew scholars believe that the forbidden fruit was the pomegranate. The Koran claims that the forbidden fruit was a banana. So take your pick—Adam’s apple, Adam’s pomegranate, Adam’s banana. Eve clearly chewed before swallowing.

  12:35 P.M.

  Gberg: Hey, what was that title that the Aussie radio guy suggested?

  Leyner: You Put WHAT, WHERE?!

  Gberg: I think we should use that.

  Gberg: Rectal foreign bodies are the new iPods.

  Leyner: You make me laugh…

  Gberg: WE NEED TO HIRE A TEAM OF OOOMPA LOOMPAS TO HELP US RESEARCH.

  12:40 P.M.

  Leyner: That’s what I tried to tell you a long time ago, motherfucker. Why don’t we?

  Leyner: Can’t we find some “young person” to do the raw research and then we’ll parse it and pickle it.

  Gberg: Raw research?

  Gberg: Sounds like a porn film.

  Gberg: Subtle.

  Leyner: Subtitle.

  Gberg: Raw Research—A Nipple Brothers Production starring Lance Boyle.

  Leyner: “Raw Research”…starring the Nipple Brothers. I like that.

  Leyner: Middle finger would watch that.

  Gberg: Maybe we should have a Bravo show where we pick a new Nipple Brother.

  Leyner: The supernumerary nipple.

  Gberg:You need a catchphrase.

  12:45 P.M.

  Leyner: It should take place in some fetid garage meth lab in Nipple Ridge…

  Gberg: Mammary Ridge.

  Leyner: Sorry…I knew something was wrong with my geography…

  Gberg: We can make it a combo of Project Runway and Biggest Loser.

  Leyner: And we get gorgeous, desperately horny actresses and models to play crank-addicted skanks from the Ozarks…and…and…and…they fluff us all day long…as we decide who’s gonna be the 3rd Nip Bro.

  Gberg:There aren’t enough good crank-addicted skank parts for actors these days.

  Gberg: That should be its own category at the Oscars.

  Leyner:And the winner for…crank-addicted skank…ooooh, I’m so nervous I can’t even get my trembling tweaking fingers to open this fucking envelope…

  12:50 P.M.

  Gberg: This IM thing is dangerous. I am supposed to be researching the new temporal artery thermometer and instead I am rambling on with you.

  Leyner: It’s…LISA KUDROW!!!!!!!!!!!! Mazel tov, you drooling skank!!

  Gberg: You need some anger management.

  Leyner: YEAH BABY!!!!

  Leyner: I’ll call you later.

  Gberg: Ciao.

  Leyner: Ciao.

  CAN MEN LACTATE?

  You can’t write a book called Why Do Men Have Nipples? without getting a question about lactating men. This one came during a radio interview when an irate caller insisted that a man could nurse his own child. We argued with him, but there was no convincing this guy (Benson—are you reading this?) that it was not possible.

  Here is the truth. The mammary glands of human males can produce milk but certainly not enough to feed a child. Usually male milk production is from a pathological condition. The most common cause of man milk is a prolactin-secreting tumor (prolactinoma) in the pituitary gland. Prolactin is a hormone that stimulates milk production. Overproduction of prolactin may be caused by some drugs, including phenothiazines, certain drugs given for high blood pressure (especially methyldopa), opioids, and even licorice. Male lactation is also caused by the hormonal treatments used in men who are suffering from prostate cancer. Doctors use female hormones to decrease the growth of the prostate, but these can also cause milk production or galactorrhea.

  Extreme starvation—by radically disrupting the equilibrium of hormone production—can also make men lactate (this has been observed in prisoners of war).

  It is also possible for males to induce lactation through constant massage and stimulation of the nipple over a long period of time but that sounds like a lot of work.

  Then there is the fruit bat. Only one male mammal, the Dayak fruit bat, is known to produce milk.

  So if you are a male fruit bat with prostate cancer who likes to massage his own nipples, and you happen to be a prisoner of war—let the nursing begin.

  WHY DO MEN SNORE MORE THAN WOMEN?
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br />   In our last book we dispelled the myth that men fart more than women. So what about snoring? In this case the men are guilty as charged. We do snore more for several reasons. To begin with, women have anatomically different airways than men. Women have a wider airway circumference so if there is any obstruction, there’s a chance the air passing through will not be as likely to hit the oropharyngeal structures as it would in a man. Additionally, a woman’s airway is less prone to collapse than a man’s airway, and that works in her favor as far as snoring is concerned.

  When men put on weight they tend to put it on around the neck area, whereas women put on weight around the hips. The fatty tissue around the neck literally squeezes the airway closed so air can’t pass through smoothly. Air then hits the structures within the throat and vibrates them, which causes the noise we know as snoring.

  Smoking and drinking also lead to increased snoring. In general, women tend not to smoke and drink as much as men, and therefore don’t suffer the snoring consequences.

  Pregnant women do tend to snore more because the blood flow around the nasal area can increase, which causes the lining of the nose and throat to swell. This makes breathing more difficult, so there would be a tendency to sleep with the mouth open, giving rise to snoring.

  WHY DO MEN FALL ASLEEP AFTER SEX?

  Leave it to a ninety-two-year-old woman to break down a complicated question into the simplest terms. When we told Billy’s wife’s grandmother the name of our new book, she answered in a second. “Because they work so damn hard!”

  As much as we would have liked to settle on that answer, we knew more was needed to make our editor happy. So we scoured the medical literature to try to put this issue to rest. We found studies with fornicating rats, hamsters, and prairie voles, but there was very little direct information about the postcoital snooze. There are many hormonal changes that occur with orgasm and some of these changes may offer an explanation for why men fall asleep.