Why Do Men Fall Asleep After Sex?

by Mark Leyner

  As for the copper bracelets, go ahead, wear them if you want. They won’t fix your arthritis, but they might turn your arm green.

  CAN YOU GET THE FLU FROM A FLU SHOT?

  Influenza (the flu) is different from the common cold. Both are caused by viruses and can produce the same symptoms, but the flu is generally much more severe. Most people describe higher temperatures and severe body aches when they have the flu and not a cold.

  A flu vaccine contains inactivated viruses (viruses that are killed), so you cannot get the flu from a flu shot. The shot is designed to allow your body to develop protection (antibodies) without actually getting sick. This happens about two weeks after receiving the vaccine. Up to that point, you are still at risk of getting the flu, just not from the shot.

  Minor side effects associated with the flu vaccine include: soreness, redness, or swelling at the injection site, low-grade fever, and body aches. The flu vaccine doesn’t provide 100 percent protection against getting the flu. Experts try to predict the strain for that year, and match the vaccine with the virus. As you probably know by now, experts aren’t always right.

  IS IT TRUE THAT LAUGHTER HAS HEALING POWERS?

  So, you are now on page 218 of this book. C’mon, tell us you’re not feeling a little better.

  You might be surprised to know that there is significant evidence that humor can do a body good. Perhaps you have read “Modulation of Neuroimmune Parameters During the Eustress of Humor-associated Mirthful Laughter” in the March 2001 issue of Alternative Therapies in Health & Medicine. This study tested blood samples of over fifty men, before and after they viewed a one-hour humor video (Over Your Head with the comedian Gallagher, the guy who smashes stuff with his Sledge-O-Matic).

  Scientists measured some hilarious things like “Natural killer cell activity, plasma immunoglobulins, B cells, T cells with helper and suppressor markers, total leukocytes with subpopulations of lymphocytes, granulocytes, and monocytes, etc.” They found increases in many of these cells, which suggests a link between humor, laughter, and positive health benefits. Now, this isn’t incontrovertible science, but there certainly aren’t any unpleasant side effects of laughter. (Although some people do have adverse reactions to watching Gallagher.)

  For the more pious among us, an even earlier allusion to a link between laughter and health can be found in the Bible: “A merry heart doeth good like a medicine” (Proverbs 17:22).

  WHY CAN WE STILL NOT CURE THE COMMON COLD?

  We can map the human genome, clone a sheep, send a man to the moon, and even infuse bottled water with 100 percent of the daily recommended allowance of vitamins and minerals…. Sohow is it that we still can’t cure the common cold?

  It’s not as though scientists haven’t tried. It’s just that the odds are stacked against them. To begin with, at least two hundred identified viruses are capable of causing the collection of symptoms that we identify as a cold. These viruses include rhinoviruses, coronaviruses, parainfluenza viruses, respiratory syncytial virus, adenoviruses, and enteroviruses. Rhinoviruses are responsible for about 70 percent of all infections, but even among the rhinoviruses, there are many different types. Another trouble with these viruses is that they keep mutating. This makes finding a cure almost impossible.

  The best hope lies with a vaccine, but with two hundred viruses that change every year, we would probably need just as many shots on a yearly basis to prevent colds. Maybe it’s better to just take some anti-inflammatories and cuddle up on the couch with a box of tissues, some chicken soup, and The Food Network.

  WHY DON’T PEOPLE WHO TAKE NITROGLYCERIN FOR THEIR HEART EVER BLOW UP?

  If you are a fan of the old Roadrunner cartoons, you probably remember the coyote blowing himself up time and time again trying to handle explosive nitroglycerin. If the coyote had so many troubles, why can heart patients carry around their nitroglycerin pills without any danger?

  This question is made even more intriguing by the fact that there is no chemical difference between the nitroglycerin used in explosives and in heart medication.

  For those who don’t know what nitroglycerin or “nitro” is, it is a medication used for the prevention and treatment of heart attacks. Nitroglycerin comes in tablets, ointment, patches, sprays, and most commonly a small pill that is placed under the tongue. Nitroglycerin dilates (opens) blood vessels, increasing blood flow to areas of the heart that are being deprived of oxygen.

  A good way to understand why therapeutic nitro doesn’t blow up is to consider dynamite. Dynamite, which is safe to handle, also contains nitroglycerin. In dynamite, the nitroglycerin is combined (or diluted) with a nonexplosive substance, diatomaceous earth. Dynamite is then stable enough to handle and resists shocks and movement. All you need is a blasting cap and you are ready to blow stuff up.

  The medicinal dose of nitroglycerin is infinitesimal compared to the amount in a stick of dynamite. So kids out there—don’t try to steal your father’s nitro, attach a blasting cap, and blow up the neighbor’s cat.

  WHEN YOU USE PROPECIA OR ROGAINE FOR HAIR LOSS, DOES HAIR JUST GROW ON YOUR HEAD OR ON YOUR WHOLE BODY?

  There are many options for people who are suffering from hair loss. Options include: shaving it all off like Kojak or Michael Jordan, growing the remaining hair as long as possible and attempting a “comb-over,” or enrolling in the Hair Club for Men and taking the toupee route. If none of these choices work for you, there are medications that can stimulate hair growth.

  Minoxidil (Rogaine) and finasteride (Propecia) are the two best-known medications to try to regain that shaggy look. Minoxidil was a drug originally used to treat high blood pressure, that is, until it was found to increase body hair growth. This side effect led to the development of a topical solution that could be applied directly to the scalp. The exact mechanism of action of minoxidil is unknown, but somehow it stimulates the follicles to create new hairs. The treatment must be continued indefinitely in order to maintain hair growth, because we keep getting new hair follicles and we need to continue exposing them to the medication.

  Although minoxidil is a topical treatment, some of the drug can be absorbed into your system, and unwanted body hair has been reported. If you are not careful when applying it and it gets onto other body parts, they can also get hairier.

  Finasteride is a prescription drug that comes in tablet form to treat hair loss in men only. (Minoxidil works for men or women.) It was originally used for the treatment of prostate enlargement. Finasteride works by blocking an enzyme responsible for the conversion of testosterone to dihydrotestosterone (DHT). Men with male pattern hair loss (androgenic alopecia) tend to have miniaturized hair follicles and increased amounts of DHT on their scalps compared to those with hairier heads. The reduction in the amount of DHT can help reverse the balding process and stimulate new hair growth. Results are usually seen in about three months. The specific enzyme that is blocked by this drug is only found in the prostate, the liver, and the scalp, so there shouldn’t be any effect on hair on other parts of the body.

  DOES GINGER HAVE ANY MEDICINAL QUALITIES?

  In the Goldberg and Leyner families, the first thing our mothers did when we had stomachaches was reach for ginger ale.

  Ginger has been studied for a variety of medical purposes for many years. In China it is often prescribed for headaches, stomach problems, and the common cold. Indian practitioners of aryuvedic medicine also use it for digestion and arthritis. In the West, it is used most commonly for the prevention of nausea.

  There are many scientific studies about different uses of ginger, but the only use whose efficacy is clinically proven is for the treatment of nausea and vomiting associated with pregnancy. In low doses, ginger may be appropriate for pregnant patients, but check with your doctor first.

  Despite the best intentions of our mothers, commercially available ginger ale doesn’t even contain any real ginger. But it still seemed to work. That’s the placebo effect. Thanks anyway, Mom.

  CAN G
ARLIC PREVENT HEART DISEASE OR CANCER?

  Many common medications that doctors use come from natural sources. Warfarin (Coumadin), a common blood thinner, was discovered from bleeding cows that had eaten yellow sweet clover. Digitalis, a heart medication, is derived from the plant foxglove, and penicillin comes from the penicillium mold. Recent studies point to the antioxidant properties of red wine, pomegranate juice, and dark chocolate. And ethnobotanists are scouring the Amazon to explore the medicinal potential of indigenous flora. So what about garlic?

  We love garlic, but unfortunately there just isn’t any data in yet that decisively proves this pungent bulb’s health benefits. Garlic has been studied in high blood pressure, cholesterol lowering, blood thinning, and cancer prevention, to name a few. The best available data suggest that garlic is slightly better than a placebo in reducing total cholesterol levels, but this effect is debatable.

  Don’t worry, when we find more evidence, we will let you know and we can all go out and celebrate by gorging ourselves on a huge plate of shrimp scampi. Until then, feel free to wear a clove around your neck or hang it on your door to keep evil spirits and vampires at bay.

  DO MAGNETS WORK TO CURE PAIN?

  Thanks to a variety of questionable claims, the medical magnet business is booming. Annual sales are about $300 million in the United States alone and over $1 billion worldwide. Magnets have been said to increase circulation, reduce inflammation, speed recovery from injuries, relieve low back pain, and even increase longevity and aid in cancer treatment. None of these claims are supported by any data.

  There are two types of magnets: static (permanent) magnets whose electromagnetic fields are unchanging (these are the ones that are marketed to gullible grandmas) and electromagnets that generate magnetic fields only when electric current flows through them. In the future, science may find roles for the use of electromagnets, but we doubt that static magnets will ever have any utility.

  One best-selling author, a vociferous proponent of magnet therapy, urges us to “neutralize electromagnetic chaos.” How do you do that, you might ask? You run out and buy an Electromagnetic Chaos Eliminator Pendant, stupid. Feel free to waste $99.99 if you wish.

  We think a better use of magnets is for sticking your kids’ artwork to the fridge.

  DO DOCTORS REALLY STILL USE MAGGOTS AND LEECHES?

  It’s not uncommon for us to see a homeless patient come in with a leg infection that is covered in maggots. After we brush away the “bugs” (maggots are actually flies at a larval stage), the wounds are surprisingly clean.

  Yes, maggots eat away dead tissue and leave only the healthy stuff behind. This is not a very appetizing solution, but it works, and doctors have indeed used these little creatures as a therapy for cleaning stubborn wounds. Sterile maggots of the green bottle fly, Lucilia sericata, are used for this procedure, which is called “maggot debridement therapy.” The maggots (about five to ten) are placed on each square centimeter of a wound. The wound is then covered with a breathable protective dressing and the maggots are left for about two to three days to do their work. Not only do the maggots eat the infected tissue, it is believed that they secrete substances that kill bacteria and promote wound healing.

  Now for the leeches…

  Medical leeches are making a comeback, but it’s not for those good old bloodlettings. The use of leeches in medicine dates back to antiquity. The first use of a medical leech was about 1000 B.C., probably in ancient India. They reached their peak of popularity in the nineteenth century. Leeches were used for a variety of ailments, the idea being that blood carried evil humors and that thinning the blood would lead to good health. Leeching fell from favor, but today the little bloodsuckers are used by plastic surgeons throughout the world as tools in skin grafts and reattachment surgery.

  If you want to read an intriguing tale about medical leeches, get a copy of The New Yorker from July 25, 2005, and enjoy John Colapinto’s article “Bloodsuckers.” You can learn that “Leeches are found in virtually every kind of habitat—including a species in the Sahara that resides in the noses of camels; one that resides in the anuses of hippopotamuses; a cave-dwelling leech in New Guinea that sucks on the blood of bats; and one that attacks the armpits of turtles.” The leech used for medical purposes doesn’t come from a hippo anus, it is a European leech, Hirudo medicinalis, that is raised on leech farms.

  Leeches do their work by removing blood from the site of skin grafts or reattached parts and relieving congestion in the blood vessels. The Hirudo leech also has a chemical in its saliva that acts as an anticoagulant to prevent blood clotting. The bite of a leech is painless due to its own anesthetic.

  CHAPTER 11

  THE LOST AND FOUND DEPARTMENT: A RANDOM ASSORTMENT OF QUESTIONS

  When I came into the office I found Leyner in the middle of the floor doing a rapid series of one-handed push-ups. He noticed my arrival, bounced up, and ran over to me with great excitement. If he had a tail I am sure it would have been wagging.

  “Man, today is going to be great! Last night I went to a lecture at NYU by the world-renowned group therapy guru Andrew Weissman. I figured out the best way to test his methods.”

  Leyner grabbed my arm and pulled me out of the office.

  He led me around the corner to our favorite local bakery. The place was packed—there must have been at least a hundred people jammed in—and I saw Wendy stationed behind the counter. As we entered, I heard her shout, “Okay, everyone, we’ll be starting soon. Does everybody have a number?” She pointed toward the classic red bakery ticket dispenser.

  Leyner escorted me behind the counter and turned to me to explain his experiment. “I was thinking…seeing one patient every hour is stupid…we’re totally limiting how much cash we can make. I went out last night after the lecture and found tons of people with a wide variety of illnesses who were looking for a quick fix. This is genius…it’s like McTherapy.”

  “Leyner, you can’t treat people with serious and complex psychological problems like fast-food customers. The human psyche is not a Big Mac.”

  “Who says? Wendy?”

  “Number 6?”

  “Here!” Someone in the back shouted, waving his ticket in the air.

  Leyner pointed at him. “What’s your problem, sir? And try to keep it brief—we want to give everyone a chance.”

  The guy looked at Leyner and said, “I’m twenty-five, I still live with my parents, and I occasionally wet my bed. What can I do?”

  Leyner didn’t miss a beat. “Your bed-wetting is obviously due to the long-repressed traumas of toilet training. Move out, get rubber sheets, or sleep in a litter box. Next!”

  “Number 7?”

  “Yes,” a weak tremulous female voice murmured from the left side of the room. “I…I’m…I’ve been very very depressed since the death of my favorite aunt and I cry every time I see an older woman,” she said, beginning to weep.

  “Come on down!” Leyner shouted.

  The woman shyly ambled to the counter. Leyner lay a hand on either shoulder and shook her violently.

  “Out neurotic depression!” he bellowed. “I command you! OUT!!”

  The woman crumpled to the ground, remained motionless for a second, and then sat up, grinning from ear to ear.

  “Do you feel depressed anymore?” Leyner asked.

  “No,” replied the woman, looking around almost as if in disbelief. “I feel…happy!

  “Thank you!!”

  The crowd applauded.

  “Wait,” I said, and addressed the room. “Don’t let Leyner force you to take part in this public spectacle. We all know there’s no instant cure for childhood issues or depression. Therapy takes work and it takes time. There are many facilities across the city where—” I was interrupted by a guy in the back who screamed out, “Hey, I got number 16 and I gotta be back at work in a half hour. Stop your whining and let Leyner help us!”

  “All right, then,” Leyner beamed, “Number 8.”

  “
Right here,” announced a man in his midforties, wearing a polo shirt and jeans.

  “Yes?” said Leyner, motioning for him to get on with it.

  “I’m lonely. I’ve tried everything I know to meet someone…the bar scene, blind dates, online dating, matchmakers. Nothing’s worked. I’m beginning to wonder if I’m just fated to spend the rest of my life alone.”

  The crowd audibly sighed.

  “Your problem is you need a woman, right?” Leyner grabbed Wendy, and pushed her into the guy’s arms. “Here you go. This is Wendy. Have fun. Number 9.”

  And so it went. I was amazed at the miscellaneous collection of desperate individuals that Leyner had assembled and how succinctly and peremptorily he satisfied their varied questions.

  “Number 28. Number 28. Okay, 29.”

  A thin woman stepped forward and said, “Can I have one apple tart, two chocolate croissants, and…”

  Leyner cut her off. “Aaah, obviously you’re acting out a deep-seated neurosis based on the fact that your parents used food as a reward and punishment for your academic performance. What is it—anorexia, bulimia, binge-eating disorder?”

  “No, I’m having guests over and I just wanted some dessert.”

  I finally felt as though I could be of some assistance.

  “Ma’am, I know exactly what you need.”

  I reached into the display case and grabbed a hazelnut mocha cake and half a dozen fresh cannolis. I handed her the box of baked goods, sneered at Leyner, and added, “This is the perfect cure.”

  WHY DO THEY CALL IT YOUR FUNNY BONE IF IT HURTS SO BAD?