The Boredom of Haruhi Suzumiya

by Nagaru Tanigawa

  Nagato, in center, fielded the ball perfectly, but she only reacted to balls within her range. And her movement was sluggish, so if a line drive got past her, the batter was guaranteed a double.

  … Just lose quick and go home. That works.

  “Let’s shut them out! Yeah!”

  Haruhi was getting pumped up by herself. It goes without saying that the chest protector, shin guards, and catcher’s mitt for the person on the receiving end of her pitches, Koizumi, were all borrowed.

  The opposing leadoff batter bowed to the umpire before heading to the batter’s box.

  Haruhi threw her first pitch with an overhand motion.

  Strike.

  An impressive fastball with great spin, speed, and control. The pitch was right down the middle, but the force behind the ball was so intense that the bat didn’t even twitch.

  Naturally, I, along with the other SOS Brigade members, was not surprised. If she were suddenly named to the national soccer team, we probably still wouldn’t be surprised. Anything is possible with Haruhi.

  But the same couldn’t be said for the opposing leadoff batter. He stood in a daze as the second pitch flew by. He finally swung on the third pitch, but unfortunately, he struck out. Her pitch apparently had a tendency to change slightly when it reached the batter. Really vicious, just like Haruhi’s personality.

  The second batter, after receiving advice from the leadoff batter, gripped his bat to bunt. But after hitting two fouls, he also struck out.

  I was getting worried. At this rate, the game might not be decided until the last inning. However, the meat of the order delivered. The third batter landed a solid hit on Haruhi’s pitch. If you keep throwing fastballs in the strike zone, you’re going to give up hits.

  The ball sailed far above Nagato, who didn’t move a muscle, and disappeared outside the ballpark.

  Haruhi glared at the third hitter circling the infield as though she were Queen Medea, just betrayed by Jason.

  In any case, we were now one run behind.

  We proceeded to give up a double to the cleanup hitter, and an error by Kunikida on the fifth hitter left runners on first and second. The sixth hitter landed a Texas leaguer inside right field to bring in a second run. The seventh hitter drilled one down the third base line, but Tsuruya scooped it up effortlessly and delivered a laser to throw the batter out. Finally time to change sides.

  The score at the end of the first inning was 2–0. It was surprisingly close. Except I didn’t want us to put up a good fight. We needed to give up ten runs pronto so we could go home.

  Our fifth, sixth, and seventh batters, my sister, Koizumi, and Kunikida, went down one after the next, and we found ourselves back out in the field for the bottom of the second before we could even catch our breath.

  It appeared that the opposing team had perceived that the outfield was our weakness. They began focusing exclusively on hitting fly balls. Every time, Taniguchi and I would dash to the outfield to try to catch the ball. We were successful around 10 percent of the time and it was excessively tiring. Well, it was a small price to pay for saving Asahina from her predicament. After all, she still looked cute when she was all frightened and huddled into a ball.

  And so in the end, we gave up five runs this inning. 7–0. Three runs to go. The game should be over next inning.

  Top of the third inning. Our turn to go on the attack.

  Tsuruya, with her long hair tied behind her back, was keeping it alive with foul balls. She appeared to be a person with good reflexes, but eventually, she popped the ball up behind her and the catcher caught it. She returned, tapping her helmet with the bat.

  “That’s a toughie. It was all I could manage to get the bat on the ball.”

  Haruhi creased her brow as she watched, seeming to be deep in thought. Nothing good ever happens when she’s thinking.

  “Hmm. It looks like we’re going to need that.”

  Haruhi puckered her lips and slowly motioned to the umpire.

  “Hey! Time-out!”

  She then grabbed Asahina, sitting properly with a megaphone in her hand, by the neck.

  “Eek!”

  Haruhi disappeared behind the bench, dragging the petite, gym uniform–clad girl with her. Both of them had been carrying sports bags with them, and it soon became clear what had been inside those bags.

  “W-Wait…! Suzumiya! St-Stop… it!”

  I could hear bits and pieces of Asahina’s adorable shrieking.

  “Come on! Get undressed! We’re getting changed!”

  The wind carried Haruhi’s booming voice to us. This again, huh?

  When Asahina finally reappeared, she was wearing an exceedingly appropriate outfit for this event. A sleeveless shirt and pleated miniskirt ensemble in bright blue and white. She held yellow pompoms in both hands.

  A cheerleader in every sense of the word. Where did they get an outfit like that? It’s a mystery.

  “Looking good there.”

  Kunikida commented in a carefree manner.

  “Mikuru, can I take a picture?”

  Tsuruya chuckled as she took out a digital camera.

  I should mention that Haruhi was wearing the same outfit. She could have just worn it by herself… but I didn’t feel that way. Asahina in a cheerleader outfit was, quite frankly, a ridiculously adorable sight. She looks cute no matter what she’s wearing.

  “It might go better with a ponytail.”

  Haruhi had gathered Asahina’s hair together as she brushed it from behind, when she noticed my gaze and puckered her lips like a duckbill. Ponytail canceled.

  “Come on. Start cheering.”

  “What… H-How do I do that…?”

  “Like this.”

  Haruhi circled behind Asahina, grabbed her slender pale arms, and began waving them up and down. Like some kind of funny dance. Haruhi was loudly hissing, “Say it! Just say it!” or something in her ear.

  “Eek! Everybody! Please hit the ball! Please do your best!”

  Asahina screamed at the top of her lungs in a falsetto. At the very least, Taniguchi appeared to be psyched up as he recklessly swung the bat in the batter’s circle. Of course, I doubt that will be enough to get a hit off the opposing pitcher.

  As expected, Taniguchi returned to the bench dejected.

  “Yeah, there’s no way I can hit that.”

  That brought us back to the top of the order, and Haruhi once again stood in the batter’s box.

  Still wearing that cheerleader outfit.

  Previously, Haruhi and Asahina had dressed up as bunny girls, which had been a spectacle rather rough on the eyes, but the impact here was much the same.

  At the moment, the opposition was having difficulty deciding where to look. Asahina was wonderful in every possible way, and the same could, for the most part, be said for Haruhi, barring her personality. Like her looks or figure.

  Haruhi did not overlook the fact that the pitcher, whose control suddenly went out of whack, threw a really sweet pitch. She hit it past the center fielder for another stand-up double. While some miscommunication occurred during the throw back to the infield, Haruhi slid into third base. I was wondering where the third baseman’s eyes were when Haruhi slid.

  And the next batter was a beautiful cheerleader whose charms surpassed those of Haruhi’s. Asahina, cowering with the bat in her hands, was dizzy with embarrassment as she endured the stares of many males (including myself). Very nice.

  The opposing pitcher was unable to manage anything beyond a wobbly pitch at this point, but I suppose I shouldn’t have been surprised when Asahina still couldn’t hit it. Even when he was throwing easy ball after easy ball.

  “Eh!”

  Her eyes were shut when she swung the bat, so it’d be pretty hard for her to hit anything.

  Soon enough, she’d racked up two strikes. At this point, Haruhi began waving her arms around on third base. What is she doing?

  “That appears to be a bunt signal,” Koizumi explained calmly. />
  “Did we ever decide on any signals?”

  “No. However, we should be able to conjecture what kind of signal Suzumiya would use in this situation. She’s probably signaling for a squeeze.”

  “Signaling for a squeeze with two outs? Even a tenured manager would try to come up with something better than that.”

  “Presuming that Asahina’s chances of hitting the ball are practically zero, using a squeeze play when the opposing team least expects it may possibly cause the infield to commit an error. Or perhaps she believes that even Asahina can at least manage to make contact with the ball.”

  “They’ve all figured it out, though.”

  Their infielders were all ready to swoop in on the ball. There was probably something wrong with Haruhi’s gesturing. Everybody could tell that she was signaling for a bunt.

  As expected, the squeeze play ended in failure. After all, Asahina had no idea what a squeeze was to begin with so she simply tilted her head and watched Haruhi’s obvious signals with a puzzled look on her face while the third strike flew by. Three outs. Change sides.

  Like a puppy resigned to being scolded by its owner, Asahina returned in low spirits and stopped when Haruhi called her over.

  “Mikuru, come over here and buckle down for some pain!”

  “Eh…”

  Haruhi raised both hands to pinch Asahina’s trembling cheeks and pulled.

  “This is punishment. Punishment. Let everyone look at your funny face!”

  “Pwease stop… Wit hurts…”

  “Are you an idiot?”

  I whacked Haruhi’s head with the megaphone.

  “It’s your fault for giving signals that make no sense. Just steal home by yourself or something, stupid.”

  That was when it happened.

  Ring-ring. Koizumi pulled a cell phone out of his pocket and looked at the LCD display, cocking an eyebrow.

  Asahina had a startled expression on her face as she looked into the distance with one hand pressed against her left ear.

  Nagato looked straight up into the sky.

  Koizumi stopped me as we were dispersing across the field.

  “Things have taken a bad turn.”

  “I really don’t want to hear it, but go ahead.”

  “Closed space has just appeared. On a scale never before witnessed. It appears to be expanding at an alarming rate.”

  Closed space.

  The gray world I was already familiar with. As if I could ever forget. Getting stuck in that gloomy space left me traumatized for life.

  Koizumi continued to smile.

  “Allow me to explain. Closed space is an unconscious way for Suzumiya to release stress. And Suzumiya happens to be in a foul mood at the moment. Therefore, closed space has appeared, and as long as Suzumiya retains her foul mood, it will continue to expand, and the Celestials you are well acquainted with will continue to rampage. There you have it.”

  “… So you’re saying that Haruhi’s got her panties in a bunch because we’re losing a baseball game? And it’s so bad that she’s creating that stupid space?”

  “So it would appear.”

  “Is she a child?!”

  Koizumi didn’t reply. He simply chuckled. I sighed.

  “She’s so full of it.”

  Koizumi gave me a look.

  “You’re still saying things like that at this point? And you sound as though it doesn’t concern you. The ordeal before us is largely related to you. We used a lottery to determine the batting order, correct?”

  “A ladder lottery, yeah. What about it?”

  “And consequently, you became cleanup.”

  “I’m not particularly happy about that.”

  “It doesn’t matter to Suzumiya whether you feel happy or under pressure. The issue here is the fact that you drew cleanup.”

  “Explain in a way I can understand.”

  “It is very simple. You became the cleanup batter because Suzumiya desired it. This wasn’t a coincidence. Suzumiya wished for you to play a big role as the cleanup batter. And then she was disappointed by your dismal performance.”

  “So sorry about that.”

  “Yes, I am also troubled by the current situation. At this rate, Suzumiya’s mood will only continue to worsen and closed space will continue to expand.”

  “… So, what am I supposed to do about it?”

  “Hit the ball. A long hit if possible. A home run would be terrific. Especially if it were a huge one. How about trying to bounce one off the scoreboard?”

  “Don’t be ridiculous. I’ve only ever hit home runs in video games. And there’s no way I’m going to hit a ball that curves like that.”

  “All of the concerned parties sincerely wish that you can do something about this ordeal.”

  “Wishing isn’t going to help when I’m not a genie or a monkey’s paw.”

  “Let us do everything possible to prevent the game from being called this inning. If we allow the game to end now, it will mean the end of the world. We must do all we can to hold them to two runs.”

  Koizumi didn’t look very worried, considering the gravity of his words.

  Bottom of the third. Haruhi went to the pitcher’s mound without changing clothes. Asahina was also wearing the cheerleader outfit as she stood in right field.

  Haruhi had no qualms about exposing her bare limbs as she went into the same windup motion she used regardless of whether or not any runners were on base.

  The first batter hit a line drive that happened to be on a direct course for Nagato, which led to an out. But she didn’t even turn her head to look at the second batter’s deep fly that landed between left and center for a triple. Haruhi’s red-hot pitches were as strong as ever, but if you keep throwing fastballs, you’re bound to give up hits. No wonder these guys are a lock for the championship. Following that, two hits and a fielder’s choice by Kunikida led to two more runs. Our backs were against the wall at this point. And there were runners on first and second. The game would be called after another run. And who knows what would happen to the world then.

  Clang. The white ball shot into the air. Headed toward right field. Asahina was all flustered in the vicinity of where the ball would land. No time to think. I sprinted with all my might to the right side of the field for the umpteenth time. Make it in time!

  I dove. And caught the ball. The ball sat in the tip of my glove.

  “There!”

  I then threw the ball as hard as I could to Taniguchi, who had moved over to cover second. The runner had been expecting extra bases on that hit since he didn’t even bother tagging up before he started running. Taniguchi stepped on the base with the ball in his glove. Out. Double play.

  We somehow pulled it off. Man, I’m exhausted.

  “Nice play!”

  I basked in Asahina’s admiring gaze and flashed a victory sign as Taniguchi, Kunikida, my sister, and Tsuruya all walked by and patted my head with their gloves. I glanced at Haruhi to find her glaring at the scoreboard (which was basically a portable whiteboard) with a troubled look on her face.

  As I sat down on the bench with a towel over my head, Koizumi walked over.

  “Picking up where we left off…”

  I really don’t want to hear it.

  “There actually is a way to remedy the current situation. During the previous incident, when you and Suzumiya were in the other world, how did you make it back?”

  Seriously, don’t remind me of that.

  “If we use that method again, it may get us out of the current crisis.”

  “I refuse.”

  Koizumi chuckled. “You’re really starting to piss me off.”

  “I thought you would say that. How does this sound then? We just have to win the game. I just had an excellent idea. I’m sure it will go well. After all, her interests should coincide with ours.”

  And with a grin on his face, Koizumi walked off toward the white circle where Nagato was standing still. The only part of her that showed
any sign of movement was her short hair swaying in the breeze as Koizumi appeared to whisper something in her ear. Unexpectedly, Nagato turned her head to look at me with emotionless eyes.

  Did she just nod her head? Her head bobbed like the head of a puppet whose strings had just been cut, before she trudged off to the batter’s box.

  I glanced left to find Asahina staring at Nagato this time.

  “Nagato’s finally…”

  Her face paled as she voiced those curious words.

  “Is something up with her?”

  “Nagato appears to be reciting an incantation.”

  “Incantation? What’s that?”

  “Um… That’s classified.”

  Asahina bowed her head apologetically. It’s fine, really. I can’t do anything about it if it’s classified. Huh, I guess something unimaginable is about to happen again.

  I could recall a thing or two regarding Nagato’s incantations.

  One unusually hot evening back in May. If Nagato hadn’t barged into the classroom that day, I would certainly be resting in a grave somewhere. Nagato had muttered some kind of incantation at a ridiculous speed to repel the attacker who had tried to kill me. Oh, right. Nagato was still wearing glasses back then.

  I wonder what she’s going to do this time.

  I found out soon enough.

  One swing of the bat. Home run.

  Nagato barely used any strength when she swung the bat yet she connected with the center of the pitcher’s fastball and launched it into the sky before it disappeared beyond the fence.

  I turned to look at my teammates. Koizumi had an elegant smile on his face as he nodded in my direction. Asahina’s face looked a bit stiff but she didn’t seem to be surprised. My sister and Tsuruya were innocently going, “That was awesome!” in admiration.

  However, everybody else was simply dumbfounded. Including the members of the opposing team.

  Haruhi skipped over to home plate to tap the helmet of Nagato, who had indifferently finished her lap around the bases.

  “That was incredible! Where are you hiding that strength?”

  She took Nagato’s arms and bent them back and forth. Nagato stood still with a blank look on her face and let Haruhi have her way.