The Boredom of Haruhi Suzumiya

by Nagaru Tanigawa

  “…”

  Nagato silently looked back. I suppose that she can slay monsters if it comes to that. I’m counting on you, E.T.

  The boat rocked again.

  “Eek.”

  Asahina lost her balance, but Nagato was there to silently hold her up.

  We disembarked from the ferry to find a butler and maid waiting for us.

  “Hello, Arakawa. It’s been quite some time.”

  Koizumi cheerfully waved one hand.

  “And you, Mori. Thank you for coming to meet us. Sorry to trouble you.”

  Koizumi then turned back to us, standing dumbfounded, and spread his arms in an exaggerated motion like a stage actor focused on making sure the people in the nosebleed section can see what he’s doing. His usual smile was four times wider than usual.

  “Allow me to introduce you. These are the two people who manage the manor we will be staying in, Arakawa and Mori. Their respective positions are butler and maid. Ah, I suppose you can see that.”

  No kidding. I took another look at the two peculiarities who remained bowed. You couldn’t help staring at them.

  “We have been awaiting your arrival. I am the butler, Arakawa.”

  An old tuxedo-clad gentleman with white hair, eyebrows, and mustache greeted us and bowed again.

  “My name is Sonoh Mori. I serve as the maid. It is a pleasure to meet you.”

  The woman next to him lowered her head at the same angle. Then they both straightened together with timing so exact you had to wonder how many times they’d practiced this.

  Arakawa appeared to be fairly old, but it was hard to judge what his actual age was. It was also difficult to gauge the age of the maid, Sonoh Mori. She appeared young enough to be our age, but that could have been a product of makeup, or she simply had a baby face.

  “A butler and maid?” Haruhi murmured in surprise.

  I felt the same way. I had no idea that such professions actually existed in Japan. I figured that the concept had become a relic of the past.

  I see. The two people standing behind Koizumi definitely looked like a butler and maid. At the very least, if they introduced themselves as such, you’d have no choice but to nod and agree. Especially the maid, Mori, I believe. She looked like a maid in every possible way. Because she was wearing a maid outfit. I’ve spent every day looking at Asahina wearing her maid outfit in the literary club room, so I know what I’m talking about. And the outfits worn by Arakawa and Mori hadn’t come from Haruhi’s need for pointless costume play. That was the necessary dress for their actual professions.

  “Wah…”

  In a daze Asahina gazed at the two of them—Mori, to be specific—with a surprised look on her face. Though I suppose it was half surprise and around 30 percent confusion. Who knows what the remaining 20 percent would be considered? There may have been some envy mixed in. Perhaps she’d actually developed a desire to become a real maid after Haruhi kept forcing it on her.

  As for Nagato, she hadn’t made a single comment and her face hadn’t even twitched. She stared at the two professionals who made up our reception with eyes like obsidian barbs from the Old Stone Age.

  “Now then, everyone,” Arakawa called to us in a rich tenor like that of an opera singer.

  “I have prepared a boat over here. It will be a half-hour voyage by boat to reach my master’s island. I hope you can forgive the inconvenience of being located on a remote island.”

  He and Mori bowed again. I was feeling pretty uncomfortable. I wanted to tell them we didn’t warrant such courteous treatment. Or is Koizumi the son of some rich family? I figured that his specialty was being an irregular esper, but maybe his family was rich enough for him to be called “young master” at home.

  “It’s totally not a problem!”

  Haruhi shouted in a voice that instantly scattered all the question marks in my mind. I turned to find that Haruhi had a smile on her face like a bogus movie producer who had just squeezed a large sum of money from a stupid sponsor.

  “That’s what makes it a remote island! Half an hour is nothing. You can take as many hours as you want. After all, I’m looking for a remote island in the middle of the ocean. Kyon, Mikuru, you should be happier about this. We have a remote island with a manor and there’s even a suspicious-looking butler and maid. You could search all of Japan and only find two islands like this!”

  There isn’t a second one.

  “W-Wow. So amazing… I can’t wait.”

  Moving past Asahina’s failed attempt to sound excited, Haruhi is taking rude to a new level when she’s calling people “suspicious-looking” to their face.

  Well, this whole situation is pretty shady, and quite frankly, the SOS Brigade isn’t any less suspicious so we aren’t really in a position to talk about others, but I don’t see why events had to play out in a way that left Haruhi on a perpetual high.

  As I watched Koizumi chat with Arakawa the butler and Mori the maid standing by with her hands clasped, I had an urge to look out into the sea. Calm waves and clear skies. No sign of an impending hurricane so far.

  Will we ever step foot on the mainland again?

  Nagato’s cool poker face looked very reassuring. Pathetic, huh?

  Arakawa and Mori led us to a small wharf near the ferry dock. I had been expecting a pop-pop boat, but instead, a private cruiser out of a picture of the Mediterranean was rocking in the waves. It looked so fancy I didn’t even want to ask how much it cost, though I could totally picture catching a swordfish while riding this thing.

  I was too careless. While ignoring Haruhi, who just jumped onboard herself, Koizumi helped the timid Asahina and indifferent Nagato onto the ship. That should have been my job, but groaning about it failed to turn the clock back.

  We were led into the cabin, and before I could even start wondering why such a fancy Western-style reception room was inside a boat, the cruiser gently set off. So it appears that butlers have boat permits these days since Arakawa was the one at the helm.

  Incidentally, Sonoh Mori was sitting across from me with a gentle smile, like she was a fixture on this ship. Her maid attire was chic and fundamentally sound. I had a feeling that it wasn’t as stimulating as the outfit Haruhi made Asahina wear in the club room, but since I wasn’t particularly well versed in the world of maid outfits, I wasn’t really sure.

  I wasn’t the only person feeling uneasy, as Asahina had been glancing over at the maid’s garb. Maybe she wants to ask about the experiences of a real maid on the job as a reference for how to behave in the club room. She tends to be serious about the oddest things.

  Nagato was sitting rigidly in a forward position while Koizumi remained composed with the usual smile on his face.

  “This is a nice boat. Perhaps we should add fishing to the schedule?” he proposed to no one in particular.

  And as for Haruhi—

  “So what do you call that building?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Does it have a name along the lines of House of Black Death, Crooked Mansion, Lolac Villa, or Koketsu Castle?”

  “No, not particularly.”

  “Are there any terrifying stories about strange hidden mechanisms or the architect dying an unnatural death or a room where any person who spends a night will die?”

  “None that I am aware of.”

  “In that case, does the master of the manor wear a mask or hear the voices of his three sisters inside his head, and then there were none?”

  “Not at all.”

  The butler chimed in.“Nothing like that at the moment.”

  “Then there’s a pretty high chance that something will happen in the future, right?”

  “That may be the case.”

  This butler is just telling her what she wants to hear.

  As soon as the boat had set off, Haruhi had climbed up to the cockpit of the boat and engaged in the above conversation with Arakawa. From what I could hear of their conversation over the sound of the engine and spla
shing waves, it seemed that Haruhi was expecting way too much from this manor on a remote island. In any case, why does she insist that the island have a bizarre nature simply because it’s removed from land? Can’t she be satisfied by taking a swim, eating good food, lying around, and strengthening our friendship before going home happily? I sincerely hope she can.

  Though it may already be too late.

  The appearance of a butler and maid had been more unexpected than a blue shark showing up in a public pool, so at this point, I wouldn’t really have been surprised if the master of the manor wore a mask or there were other guests who behaved in a suspicious manner. Damn Koizumi. What other tricks do you have up your sleeve?

  “Wow! I can see it! Is that the villa?”

  “That would be the manor,” Haruhi’s conspicuously loud and lovely voice boomed through the air, stabbing my heart like thunder.

  The villa or whatever actually looked pretty normal.

  The sun was on its way down, but there was still time before dusk. As sunlight fell upon the manor, I almost thought that it was shining. After all, I’d never dreamed that I’d ever set foot in something like a villa.

  The building enshrined atop a vertical cliff didn’t appear any different from what you’d expect from a manor constructed as a rich person’s summer getaway, though it didn’t appear to be based on an old castle from Europe, it wasn’t a brick-colored house entwined in vines, it didn’t have any strange towers attached, and it didn’t seem to conceal any funny gimmicks like the ones you’d find in a ninja house.

  As expected, Haruhi had a look on her face like someone served onion rings after expecting pork chops as she gazed at the villa (manor, according to Haruhi) in the distance.

  “Hmm. This isn’t quite what I was expecting. I believe that the appearance is a critical element. I wonder if the architect referenced older documents in the process.”

  I stood next to Haruhi on the deck as I took in the scenery. I’d been dragged out of the cabin by her.

  “What do you think about that, Kyon? The building looks surprisingly normal for something on a remote island. Don’t you find that a waste?”

  I sure do. Why do you need to build a villa in this place? It’s an hour-long round trip by private cruiser just to go to the convenience store. Where do you go if you’re feeling hungry in the middle of the night? And I doubt there are any vending machines around.

  “I’m talking about the atmosphere. I’d been convinced that the place would be more eerie-looking. This is what I’d expect from a quiet tourist destination. We aren’t here to have fun at a rich friend’s summer home.”

  I brushed away the strands of Haruhi’s hair that were blowing in the wind and prickling my face.

  “That’s right. This is supposed to be a summer camp. What kind of activities do you have planned? Are we going to pretend to be adventurers? Simulate what would happen if we were stranded on a deserted island?”

  “Ah, that’s a good idea. I’ll add island exploration to the agenda. Maybe we can discover a new species.”

  Not good. I just said something to make Haruhi’s eyes shine brighter. Please don’t let anything unneeded show up, island.

  I directed that thought in the direction of the island covered in green.

  “It appears that the islands in this area were formed long ago when underwater volcanoes erupted,” Koizumi said as he slowly walked out.

  “New species aside, there is a possibility that we may discover shards of earthenware left by ancient tribes. Or traces left by the proto-Japanese during their voyage across the sea. Isn’t it romantic?”

  I don’t see any connection between the romance of archaeology and this newly built villa, but I definitely don’t want to go around looking for tsuchinoko or digging holes. We can split into two groups. Haruhi and Koizumi can explore the island while Asahina, Nagato, and I play on the beach. Nice idea.

  “Oh? I see somebody over there.”

  Haruhi pointed to a small wharf that I would expect to have been newly constructed. Apparently, the harbor was specifically meant for the cruiser as there were no other boats in sight. A single figure stood at the end of the breakwater-like structure and waved to us. It appeared to be a man.

  Haruhi reflexively waved back.

  “Koizumi, is that man the master of the manor? He looks awfully young.”

  Koizumi was also waving.

  “No, that isn’t him. He’s also an invited guest. The younger brother of the owner of the manor. I’ve met him once before.”

  “Koizumi,” I interjected. “Tell us these things earlier. This is the first I’ve heard about any other guests.”

  “I just found out about him now.” Koizumi casually shrugged me off. “But there is no need to worry. He is a very nice person. Of course, the same can be said of the owner of the manor, Keiichi Tamaru.”

  I’d heard that this Keiichi Tamaru was crazy enough to build a villa in this remote place as a summer residence. He was a distant relative of Koizumi’s, like his mother’s cousin or something along those lines. I’m not really sure, but he’d hit the jackpot in biotechnology and was now living a very comfortable life. He probably had more money than he knew how to spend. Or else I wouldn’t be able to understand why he built this thing.

  The cruiser slowed down as it approached the harbor. We were close enough for me to make out the features of the man standing on the dock. He was dressed in youthful attire and looked to be in his twenties. This was Keiichi Tamaru’s younger brother, apparently.

  Arakawa was the butler and Sonoh Mori was the maid.

  That left the star, the master of the manor, Keiichi Tamaru.

  Was it safe to assume that we’d covered all the characters who would be showing up?

  Thinking back, I’d spent hours on shaking boats today… Which was why I felt like the ground was shaking right now.

  Once we’d disembarked from the cruiser and stepped onto firm land, the young man greeted us with a cheerful smile.

  “Hey, Itsuki. It’s been a long time.”

  “Indeed, Yutaka. Thank you for coming to meet us.”

  Koizumi nodded before introducing us.

  “These are the people who look after me at school.”

  Not that I remember ever looking after him. Koizumi began working down the line, point to each of us one by one.

  “This lovely young lady is Haruhi Suzumiya. A rare friend. She always acts in an open and natural manner, something I would love to learn to do.”

  What kind of introduction is that? I can feel sweat dripping down my back. You too, Haruhi. Come on. Why are you pretending to act all refined and polite? Did your brain get jumbled up from being seasick?

  However, Haruhi smiled a blindingly brilliant smile.

  “I am Suzumiya. Koizumi is an invaluable member of my brigade… I mean, student association. Koizumi was the one who invited us to this island. He always serves as a reliable deputy brigade… I mean, vice president. Ahem.”

  Koizumi ignored the frosty look I was sending him and continued with his introductions.

  “This is Mikuru Asahina. As you can see, she’s an upperclassman who’s considered the lovely and beautiful idol of our school. Her smile could bring world peace to fruition.”

  There’s one.

  “This is Yuki Nagato. She’s a veritable gold mine of information that can’t be found in our textbooks. She’s soft-spoken, but that could be considered as one of her endearing qualities.”

  And there was another profile that set my teeth on edge. Naturally, I was also given introductions riddled with embellished compliments like something you’d find in a personal ad, but I’ll skip over that part.

  Yutaka flashed a brilliant smile befitting a relative of Koizumi’s.

  “Welcome. I’m Yutaka Tamaru. I’ve been hired to help out at my brother’s company. I’ve heard much about you all from Itsuki. I was worried when he suddenly had to transfer, but I’m glad he’s made such wonderful friends.�
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  “Everybody,” Arakawa’s melodiously gruff voice came from behind.

  I turned to find the butler, carrying a fairly large burden, and Sonoh Mori getting off the boat.

  “We’re exposed to the sun here. Why don’t we move to the villa?”

  Yutaka nodded in response to Arakawa’s suggestion.

  “You have a point. My brother’s also waiting. Let’s take the luggage with us. I’ll help out.”

  “We should be fine. Please assist Arakawa and Mori. It appears that they bought a large amount of groceries on the main island.”

  Yutaka returned Koizumi’s smile with a smile of his own.

  “That gives me something to look forward to.”

  And once the harmless chitchat was over with, we followed Koizumi toward the villa on the cliff.

  Looking back, this was when I started to have a funny feeling about things.

  Though as they say, hindsight is 20/20.

  To reach the villa we climbed our way up a staircase resembling the one leading up to the eighth station on Mount Fuji. My condolences to Haruhi, but this place was definitely a villa and not a manor or mansion.

  The white structure was three stories high yet it felt flat, probably because it took up a ridiculous amount of space. I almost wanted to count how many rooms there were. You could probably have housed two whole soccer teams in this place. A portion of the thick foliage had been cleared off to build the villa, but how had they managed to ship all the necessary construction materials here? That would have required a fairly large-scale heliborne operation. I don’t understand rich people.

  “This way, please.”

  Koizumi led us to the entrance like a butler-in-training. Everybody lined up in a row. We were finally about to meet the master of the manor. A nerve-wracking moment.

  Haruhi was standing in front of the rest of us like a horse racing ahead of the herd. I could see that she was having a hard time containing her anticipation as she licked her lips. Asahina was fussing over her hair in an adorable fashion so she would make a good first impression. Nagato, as usual, stood completely still without any visible signs of sweating, like one of those lucky cat statues.