The Nerd Turned Conqueror: A Fantasy Harem Adventure

by Oscar Reeds

  “What is this?!” he shouted, not noticing Arduck slowly emerging from the crowd. “What is going on?”

  “Bahb,” one of his soldiers said, “we hereby pledge our undying support to our rightful ruler, Conrad the Queenlayer.” The duke was surprised, I imagine, more than he had ever been during his life. “Those who wanted battle are now dead at our feet, and if you want to live, join us as a grunt.”

  Naturally, he refused. And naturally, I killed him from behind with a strategic punch to the shoulder. An aerial punch, of course.

  Arduck was smiling in his Dahrmite way when he approached me. “Your plan was brilliant, Queenlayer,” he said, as he approached one of the thousands of artificial Ehre soldiers I created before the battle and tapped it on its shoulder. “Who knew you’d have such a great asset as army crafting?”

  “Indeed,” I replied, looking into the empty, yet still airborne ships of the Ehre. “Now let’s move on.”

  “What is your command, sir?” Arduck asked, eager for a fight.

  “Take me to where colonel Penna’s body was discarded.”

  They were stunned.

  “I mean, we could,” he replied, “but why?”

  “Just do it.”

  Moments later, it was just Arduck and me inside of a stinking, horribly maintained tomb. I specifically forbade Endolande to enter, because I knew she knew what I was about to do. She didn’t approve, but then again, I didn’t care. I needed this as much as I needed a new body.

  Penna was lying dead among other incompetent officers. Most of those died long before I came to this planet, as this was the Dahrmite equivalent of a prison graveyard, or a mass tomb for the undesirables. With my new regime established, Penna was seen as a traitor, and was properly dispatched here. But I didn’t go there to reminisce.

  “Norman?” I said. He merely looked at me. “I want the power to revive the dead for five minutes.”

  A surge, which happened during Arduck’s horrific change of facial expression. He couldn’t believe what I was saying. He, of course, had no idea who Norman was, but he could obviously understand what I was saying.

  “Why would you revive him?” he said, flabbergasted.

  “Oh, you’ll see,” I replied.

  A snap of my fingers, and Penna drew breath again…or rather, was again alive. You’ll forgive my constant interruptions, but I’ve lived on Earth for all of my life, so I constantly use earthly metaphors to describe what’s happening. So for now, let’s just say that he began breathing again.

  “Huh, huh, hah, where am I?!” he yelled, and then stepped back a bit when he saw me. “Am I dead?”

  “Well, you were” I said. “But I brought you back.”

  He was confused.

  “For five minutes, though.”

  Now he was scared.

  “Therefore, dear colonel, you ought to pay attention quickly. I am willing to forgive your attitude towards me, your new emperor, if you pledge your services to me. The clock is ticking, so decide quickly.”

  “I don’t mind being dead if it means not serving you,” he replied, but got back up. “However, I was never one to fail to use a chance. What if I try to kill you again, though?”

  I shot him at the same place he took the mortal wound, and sure enough he was dead again. Arduck had no fucking idea what was going on, and I could tell his little head hurt while he tried to figure it out.

  “Norman?”

  “What, Conrad?”

  “The same, but make it a week.”

  A surge and a finger snap later, Penna was back on his feet, with a week left to live.

  “Do you understand now?”

  He nodded.

  “Good.”

  “But I do not understand one thing,” he asked. “Or rather, two things.”

  “Tell me the other one first.”

  He shifted his legs and sat back down.

  “Why did you even revive me?”

  I smiled.

  “Because I was bored, and wanted to have fun.”

  I could clearly hear Arduck sigh in irritation. He spent an entire afternoon in these underground cesspits for that? He was borderline pissed.

  “I see,” Penna uttered, getting back up and cleaning the soil off his outfit. “My other question is why did you bring me back under your command?”

  “Well, we had a small Ehre problem,” I said, moving towards the exit, with the only other two living men in the room following me. “It’s taken care of, but more Ehre remain.”

  “So you need me to liberate our planet from our new conquerors?” Penna asked, but I could tell that he was dumbfounded by my cold reply and a colder look once I turned to face him with an answer.

  “Oh no, colonel,” I said. “You see, we’re going to conquer their planet.”

  ***

  What happened next is a glorious week-or-so of proper interplanetary conquest. To save time, I will try my damnedest to limit the dialogues to a minimum, and will retell everything in the form of a long story.

  It was a glorious time, a time when I acquired multiple different monarch epithets, when I banged multiple women, killed multiple men, left a mark (or a scar) on multiple monuments and buildings, and ultimately conquered multiple planets, seven in total. Each of them will get their own little summary, and all of them will mark the first ever Epic of Conrad (which I plan on either writing or commissioning someone to write for me) that happened in space. So let’s begin.

  CONQUEST #1: PLANET OF THE EHRE

  The plan for this was simple, but before I lay it out, I should describe the planet.

  The Ehre divided their world into eight sectors, each run by a duke. The one run by Bahb was now left vacant with his death, so our hostile takeover was rather simple; especially considering we used the very Ehre soldiers I created to beat their original army to begin with. Nobody complained, so we continued to act with no resistance.

  Two biggest sectors, Eak and Egak, were each controlled by one of the twins, brothers who held the same name of these sectors. They were vying for supremacy, but were, as I had come to learn, incompetent warriors. The most competent one, and possibly the most dangerous, was Froh of Steadartia, the fourth sector in size. While small, his area held the most ports, the most natural resources, and the biggest concentration of what we would dub Ehre bankers. A slightly bigger, yet significantly worse area was Vitrua, and it didn’t really have a single duke – more like a rotating council of eight dukes. And they rotated on an almost daily basis. The area I was now ruling over, Siddrihil, was fifth in size, and it was pretty remote, making it hard to conquer. The sixth place in size, yet the largest in demographics, was Volkodrad, and it was the only area ruled over by a female Ehre, a woman called Spokia. The seventh biggest sector, Driezhd, actually worshipped a somewhat false god called Tiumtuta as their duke, but it was the high priest that had the final say, and to my knowledge, the high priest never kept his birth name. The smallest sector, appropriately dubbed the Eighth Sector, was merely a small city outside of Eak. It was ruled by a new ruler, the first of his dynasty, called Fistote. Nothing of significance was happening here, other than the fact that they were preparing to celebrate their independence day from Eak soon. Sadly they weren’t going to be celebrating it this particular year.

  With some spoken wisdom by Norman, I learned of the physical characteristics of the Ehre. I knew that they had several weak spots on their body that would prove fatal if hit properly, so I did just that during battles – I equipped all of my troops with snipers from Earth which I crafted using one of the earlier powers Norman gave me. The Ehre soldiers were surprisingly adept at learning how to utilize foreign weaponry, and I used this to my advantage, having personally crafted other weapons such as machine guns, hunting rifles, shotguns, mini-guns, rocket launchers, Magnum revolvers, and even BB-guns for the kids. Of course, I kept producing soldiers en masse, of all races, and in less than seven hours, Siddrihil had more peop
le than Volkodrad. Considering the fact that my hand-crafted soldiers didn’t require food, water, sleep, or excretion, nor did I give them sexual needs, they were the perfect army, and they did their job well.

  I first went after Driezhd. Somewhat sneakily, I attacked and conquered several villages, but the zealots there kept praying to their false god and avoided to admit proper defeat. This actually gave me an impromptu idea. As a sign of good will, I agreed to release ALL of the villages and ALL of my prisoners if the high priest sent me their smartest scholars who were willing to teach me about Tiumtuta. Naturally, I also asked for their best women who were willing to have sex with me. According to Norman, their sexual organs were the same as ours, which made me wonder why a semi-reptilian female would have breasts and a pussy capable of giving birth to live progeny rather than eggs. But who am I to nix biology? All in all, their priests were more than willing to teach us, and their women were exceptionally willing to have sex, seeing it as both a way to serve Tiumtuta and leeway to get some dick while still under monastic vows. They didn’t complain, I didn’t complain, hell even my soldiers didn’t complain, Dahrmites included. Or rather, the soldiers that I didn’t artificially create. After we were done with them, we had an army of pregnant Ehre priestesses, which I ordered transported to the Dahrmite world and put under severe protection from everyone. Penna’s acolytes were the one who were in charge of that.

  But as fun as interracial sex was, the more important part included the priests. They came to call me Conrad the Exalted, because I chose to learn of their religion. I learned a few important details. Tiumtuta, as it turns out, was born much like them, a son of a mammal and a reptile of two separate species. He was to unite the Ehre and, under his rule, bring prosperity and peace. According to legend (though from what I understood, this was a modern text and not ancient scripture; these guys were the Ehre’s equivalent of Scientology), he was unbeatable, and would only appear when the time for him was right. Not to mention that their dogma stated Tiumtuta’s supremacy over any other god ever, and that people like us were mere gnats to him. I knew exactly what needed to be done.

  During a ceremony where the high priest took me in, he spoke at length of my new conversion, and the people cheered, instantly forgiving me for their conquered villages and slaughtered men. I then spoke at length, talking about how pure Tiumtuta’s religion was, and how everyone deserved it. Then, out of nowhere, he appeared – Tiumtuta descended upon the populace and stood, in all of his glory, making everyone drop to their…knees, I guess? And praying harder than ever. But Tiumtuta wasn’t particularly pleased. He crushed the high priest, calling him a buffoon, and then proceeded to attack the people. But I used my telekinesis to lift the god up, where he fidgeted and cried to be let go. But I didn’t let go. I used my aerial punches to show him who’s boss, punching and kicking harder than ever before. Next I used my telekinesis to slam him onto the ground, back and forth, until he was begging for mercy. He declared me proper god and, as huge as he was, began to lick my feet. The believers were dumbfounded – their god was that pathetic?

  And he truly was, considering how easy it was for me to use my telekinesis to remove his head. His corpse was now taking up most of the stage, and I tore off the monument to the dead god, ordering the dumbfounded crowd to worship me. They did little else but obey. Nobody, at least to my knowledge, knew that this “Tiumtuta” was my own creation, and that the whole thing was staged. But I kind of liked this god I made, so I revived him for a year as well and placed him in an underground mine, where production immediately soared.

  I had Driezhd. Next was Volkodrad. Spokia had the manpower to defend against anyone, considering how many millions lived directly under her command. I chose to approach this differently. Most of my artificial Ehre infiltrated the city under the guise of escaping my onslaught. Naturally, the religious zealots remained in Driezhd, and considering their vows, I had no trouble believing that they would keep silent and not use their special language to rat me out to anyone else on the Ehre planet. But Volkodrad wasn’t filled with zealots. It had, in fact, quite a vocal crowd of dissidents who, as per Ehre custom, recognized no other rule but their own. To them, this Conrad fellow, the Queenlayer, the so-called Exalted, was nothing but an upstart who was to die soon. But I wasn’t anywhere near dying soon.

  My tactic here was simple – invade with refugees and replace the local populace one person at a time. One ability I gave my own Ehre troops which made them different to regular Ehre was that they could body-shift. So every time a family in Ehre took up a refugee, they would kill a member and turn into them. On top of that, at least a few more artificial Ehre would be nearby waiting in hiding, and if, for example, a family had three members, two more Ehre would join the “cuckoo-bird” Ehre and kill of the other family members, shifting into them. It took a bit longer to replace the vast majority of Volkodrad’s populace, roughly a day, but according to my estimates, the only people left unaffected were those in Spokia’s palace.

  I then made one of my Ehre put out a word that the people of Volkodrad want Spokia to negotiate with Conrad. She put it to an instant vote, and was shocked to see the majority agree with the proposition. In her private chambers, she spoke of her defiance to the twins and willingness to take over. Moments later, she was being fucked hard by Penna, and not by his choice. When she saw my telekinetic powers and other abilities, she agreed to a humiliating surrender and vassalage, and even offered her body. But I wanted Penna to have the honors. Mainly because I was enjoying fucking around with these extraterrestrial morons, but also because I wanted to make sure my power went unchallenged. Not many people of Volkodrad felt bad that their duchess had given her ass to the conqueror, mainly because most of her people were actually my people.

  Three territories down, five to go. Now I needed Vitrua, as her warriors were fierce and barbaric. However, as stated, they didn’t have a single duke. It was a cesspit of crime, which, ironically enough, made my entry far easier.

  I first connected with the underworld, by way of local Ehre willing to give themselves up to my rule. They were willing to share information with me considering how quickly I’d taken control of so much land. By way of false info, they were luring in one crime boss after the next, and every time one of them would give me shit, I’d kill him in an instant and replace him with one of my artificial Ehre. In several hours, I had effectively controlled the entire underworld of Vitrua, but the political top was still a bit elusive for me. So I decided on a different tactic.

  I openly began supporting one of the people vying for dukedom, one Selbech. Selbech was a fat slob who didn’t really care about Vitrua, but preferred the wealth of being a duke. Considering the rotating nature of the position, he would have been duke for the 4789th time in the past few years. I chose him specifically because others told me he was as dumb as pig shit. And I was right. He immediately shared all of his private info, convinced I was going to remove his competition for him. He wasn’t wrong in that regard – of the roughly 29 rotating dukes, I killed about half, imprisoned several, fucked the few female ones, and kept but one – a female duchess called Sonia. As a token of good will, I sent Sonia to Spokia, and had the two engage in sex while I watched, though admittedly that all came AFTER I conquered the whole planet. All in all, Selbech was the only duke left standing, and I convinced him to hold a historic speech in that honor. He did. He came out before his criminal people, lifted his hands up high, began talking about changes, about the new times to come, and about his own magnificence. People cheered…when I chopped his head off. They really couldn’t stand him.

  The criminals of Vitrua actually came to respect me for my underhanded nature, and as per my new orders, they let the word out that my next target would be the twins. I even managed to infiltrate a couple of Ehre within their areas, and they offered both Eak and Egak a proposition – borrow money from Steadartia, as it would benefit Froh to have a major ally against this new threat. Froh, on the other hand, wou
ld benefit GREATLY from having the big guys under his debt. However, I made sure to instruct my Ehre to have the twins ask for help separately, independently from one another. That way more confusion would come about.

  Froh was greedy. That was his only weakness, really. He would invest tons of money into a project if he knew that his return on the investment would make him greater. Based on what the criminal underworld of Vitrua told me, he had already done similar deals in the past, which left some sectors without significant sections of territory. Not to mention that he had already amassed a fortune that would keep him and his folks safe. So he readily accepted both twins’ offer to finance their armies against me. What he didn’t know was that most of the merchants and diplomats that came from the two big areas were actually my own Ehre posing as them. They kept funneling that money towards me, and every single time they would, they would make a huge mock-battle, and both twins would complain that the money was intercepted by my bandits. Froh kept sending money several times more, and each time I would be the one to receive it. That money was enough to buy some loyalty from a few powerful servants in Steadartia, the ones I was assured weren’t loyal to Froh, but to his money. I then allowed a few more imposter Ehre to pose as bankers, and this gave me even more money. Then came the raids – I would send hordes of Ehre and Dahrmites to invade border towns, to pillage them, take prisoners, and establish camps. Froh was losing more than he could cover, so he opted for an open war. Rallying his army was hard for him, though – the banks weren’t paying them, and somehow they were even in colossal debt. Nobody wanted to fight. Froh’s personal guard was there, but they were small, and it only took a few swigs of my arms to have them deposed in the air and killed. Froh was left beaten and broke, so he took his own life. With nobody left to fill the void, I became the ruler of Steadartia, and as a show of power, I renamed it Bob the Builder, in honor of the show I used to watch a lot as a kid.