The Nerd Turned Conqueror: A Fantasy Harem Adventure

by Oscar Reeds

  “Why are you sulking here, man? It’s been weeks!”

  Haggard threw a half-full bottle of beer at Art, but the dude had fast reflexes and dodged it well.

  “Dude, that didn’t answer my question,” he pressured, much to Haggard’s annoyance.

  “Why the fuck do you think I’m sulking, you asshole?!” he screamed. “It’s that irredeemable little prick from the outer cosmos.”

  Again, the company Haggard kept didn’t really do linguistics well. He sighed and rephrased it.

  “I mean, I don’t want to think about that little shit, the Genital.”

  Oh how I now loved my new epithets I acquired in space. It meant that Genital was going to be nowhere near that list for a long, long time.

  “What’s wrong with him?” Chuck asked, rubbing his cock. He wanted to jack off to a nearby magazine, but the other two ordered him to stop.

  “The little shit is now a hero,” Haggard uttered, angry. “He’s promoted everywhere as this great fellow, as this man who can save our planet! He’s not saving any planets! He’s a piece of shit!”

  But Haggard, unexpectedly, began to cry. Art and Chuck had no idea what to do.

  “Bob, what the hell?” Chuck asked. Haggard wiped his eyes, but his voice kept showing signs of weeping.

  “Damn it, Art, I hated that kid!”

  Hated? Past tense?

  “The little prick never defended himself! He was always a little pussy! How can I like someone who can’t even be a goddamn man?!”

  He began to throw stuff around the house; yup, this got him worked up pretty well.

  “Dude, what in the hell are you talking about?!” Art yelled, but was just as shocked as me to see Haggard embrace both him and Chuck, followed by his crying his very eyes out into his shoulder.

  “Damn it, I wanted that kid to be tough. I wanted him to talk back! I wanted him to stand up for himself!”

  “But dude, you did pretty heinous stuff to him.”

  “I did! I fucking did! And I hate that I did.”

  Whoah. That was a shock.

  “That kid’s mom tried to kill him! That kid’s dad tried to beat him senseless! And he just took it?! I fucking hated that! I fucking hated that!!”

  I couldn’t believe it. The same Bob Haggard that was beating me to a pulp and treating me like garbage actually had a benevolent reason for doing that. Granted, it was fucked up and not well thought through, but it was still something.

  By now I was well aware of how honesty works through emotions. I saw Haggard openly hostile towards me, but here was the first time I saw him weak. The first time I saw him as an almost sympathetic guy. I was still not about to become his BFF, but there was a definite change of attitude towards him. I simply had to admit that not even a dickweed like Bob Haggard works in a black and white value system. This fellow had nuance to him, and instead of feeling better about his pain, I fucking felt worse!

  I had to see people I cared for. I had to listen to the wise words of my friends, even if they were badmouthing me. So I reentered Janine, and was surprised that she was at the hospital. She and Melissa knelt near John the Lutist’s bed, while Petra was peeling oranges. Gene Ray was surfing the internet on his phone, utilizing all of the limited capacities of the hospital Wi-Fi. They were all there for at least ten minutes, waiting for the nurse who would push his wheelchair outside.

  Soon enough, they were in the hospital’s tiny park, talking about me, of course.

  “Hey, all he did to you was cheat,” John said, unevenly. “I mean, I nearly lost a foot to him. And we barely even got to talk!”

  “True,” Melissa replied, sighing. “Though it is partly my fault as well, he still bears some responsibility.”

  “He did nothing spectacularly wrong to me, though” Janine said, and then slowly looked at everyone who remained silent for a reason. “Fine, fine, he had me as his dog the first day he got powers. But I don’t mind that! Water under the bridge.”

  “You’re only saying that because you two linked minds,” Gene added, not looking away from his phone.

  “Precisely.”

  Again, silence.

  “Look, you guys,” Janine sighed, getting up slowly from the bench she was seated at. Upon her getting up, a tiny flock of pigeons flew away, frightened. “I know it’s cliché to say ‘you don’t know him like I do,’ but those are the facts. Conrad and I melded minds. We exchanged crucial feelings and information, and I had come to know him more deeply than he knows his own stupid self.”

  Aside from that little insult at the end, I was intrigued to learn more, so I kept listening. The even ticking of Janine’s heart was what was scaring me – it hadn’t been fast or passionate, or even regular. It was slower than ever, as if she were saying something that was empirical truth on every planet in the known universe.

  “What?” Melissa asked, being almost as impatient as I was.

  “Simple. He’s a good guy deep within, but is very confused.”

  Well, I was confused, I’ll give her that much.

  “He treats women both fairly and unfairly because of his mother’s situation,” she continued, “and feels insecure around other men because of how horrible David was to him.”

  David? Since when were Janine and my father on such familial terms? Something must have happened while I was away…

  “Well, David was somewhat rough to you as well,” Petra stated knowingly, which made Janine blush and accelerated her heartbeat a little.

  “David and I have agreed to let those three days just be those three days. Conrad doesn’t need a stepmother his age.”

  So THAT’s what happened!

  “All in all,” Janine continued, her heart calming down, “Conrad needs love more than anything. How do you think he’s going to react if his girlfriend tells him that he shouldn’t have slept with anyone DESPITE what deal they had? How is he going to react if his new friend tells him that he owes him a leg, or that even his servants fear him?”

  She knew? Others were wondering this as well, I imagined.

  “What do you mean?” Melissa asked. “You mean Tohrumi and Yukio?”

  “Not just them,” Janine concluded, which made everyone shiver. “They are afraid that Cornad will use them for war somewhere in deep space.”

  I was dumbfounded. So what I had heard was just a tip of all of that.

  “I have spoken to them,” Janine continued, pacing around the bench they were occupying and trying to keep her voice down. “They don’t see a whole lot of purpose now that Conrad can create literally millions of them. They feel expendable.”

  “So they’re Sylvester Stallone?” John joked, poorly. Nobody had watched that film series of the group, and more importantly, nobody even wanted to.

  “This isn’t the time for jokes, John” Melissa berated him, clearly angry, maybe even angrier than before. “If his own creations are afraid of him, then he has become too powerful! Maybe even beyond the point of repair!”

  Repair? Was I damaged?

  “Melissa, you need to calm down, now,” Janine concluded, not wavering in her voice. But Melissa stood there defiantly.

  “No, Jan. You don’t understand. This now goes beyond what I feel for him or what he feels for me. It’s a matter of safety.”

  I knew this was going to come up at some point. But I wanted to hear what she was going to suggest.

  “Well, what can we do other than to talk to him?” Gene asked, genuinely wanting to know the same thing everyone on that bench, me included, wanted to know. Melissa crossed her arms and took a deep, meaningful breath.

  “Okay,” she said, “what we need to do is to get Conrad to ask that ghost friend of his to take away his powers.”

  Everyone gasped.

  “Not all of them, obviously, but most of them. Make him a bit more normal, a bit more…approachable.”

  I could tell this, oh how I could tell it – everyone wanted to deny this s
tatement, but they all agreed with it, both silently and physically. Melissa knew damn well what was right at that point.

  “And the worst part? Us asking him might even be a matter of life and death,” she concluded.

  I couldn’t listen to this anymore. I teleported them all to my ship, and after the initial surprise subsided, fear set in.

  “Conrad?! Have you been listening?! IS THIS IT?!!!” Melissa shouted, but that shout died very soon after. As did all shouting. I was on my knees, before all of them, and I was crying.

  “I am sorry…” I said, unable to collect myself. They let me cry for ten minutes, after which I got up anew. With a single flick of my fingers, I changed up Petra’s, Gene’s and John’s faces a bit, to make them look handsomer. Next I cured John’s foot indefinitely, and finally I used my teleporter to give them all a massive chest of diamonds and emeralds, each chest weighing about half of its new owner.

  “I’m sorry…” I repeated as I teleported my three Earthly creations onto my ship as well. I gave them money as well, which made them feel somewhat dumbfounded.

  With tears in my eyes again swelling up, I spoke.

  “I’m so sorry, my dearest friends. I was terrible in every way imaginable… Janine, I apologize for making you go through that leash period. John, forgive me – your foot was entirely my fault. Petra and Gene, I also owe you an apology. You took hits from me, received lots of hatred, lots of violence, lots of bullying…I cannot repay you that, and I will never stop trying. Greysticks, Yukio, Tohrumi – I will never replace you. You will always be a part of my new family, and I will gladly die first if it meant your survival.” To everyone’s absolute and utter horror, I also teleported Haggard aboard, who was drunk and disoriented. I used my healing to remove the alcohol, but then I asked for a new surge from Norman. “Norman, apply what I did with my father to every human I meet and want to have it applied to.” Haggard and I then had a moment, and as was the case with everything, it ended in us swelling with tears. “I’m so sorry, Hagg—no, Bob. I’m so sorry that you felt so insecure around me, that you had nothing to fall back to. I’m sorry I couldn’t see that.” At long last, I turned to Melissa, who was shaking, but still couldn’t bear to look at me. “I’m sorry, baby. I hurt you the most. I am still just a virgin by mindset, and I cannot figure out how this girlfriend thing goes. I didn’t mean to harm you…Please forgive me.”

  But she wouldn’t. She heard me out, yet turned her head and avoided talking to me at all. I couldn’t pursue it, though.

  “I forgive you, Conrad,” Janine said, embracing me. I asked her for a favor then and there.

  “Can you come with me? I need to talk to dad…”

  She looked at Melissa, who was nodding her head, but in a way that demonstrated that she didn’t like what was about to come to pass.

  “I will, and Melisa will, too. We all need to discuss stuff.”

  Others agreed to stay on the ship, Bob included. We shook hands, and made a mutual pact that I would not engage in petty revenge, but that he was to stop himself from ever bullying anyone ever again. Neither of the two was going to be easy, but it was a step in the right direction, at least.

  ***

  The walk to my house was heavy. I used my concealing ability to shift my face, so that people around us wouldn’t recognize me. I’ve had my fill of celebrity endorsements, brunches, and the paparazzi. I have no idea how other superstars do it – the whole thing managed to bore me in less than three days.

  But I don’t really want to talk about my hatred of the celebrity culture. I want to focus on one of the hardest conversations I had in my entire life.

  Melissa was avoiding all eye contact. She barely answered any question, and when she did, it would either be a nod, a hum, or a single syllable word like “yes” or “no.” Janine and I did most of the talking, but I could tell she was also at least a bit reserved.

  “Janine, I…” I couldn’t even finish that. A simple, honest sentence, yet here I was unable to answer it. All of those speeches I held on different planets, full of enemies, rugged warriors, sexy women, and corrupt politicians, and here I was at a loss for words talking to my friend from Earth. The human mind is a strange apparatus which we still barely understand. I gulped before continuing. “Janine, I don’t…” No. Words just refused to come out. Goddamn it, Conrad Fair-Tongued, justify that name and speak!

  “It’s okay, Conrad,” Janine said mercifully, and I silently thanked her for that. “You don’t need to force yourself. I know you don’t know what to say.” She smiled. “I mean, it’s pretty evident.”

  “…how do I even face him?”

  “Why are you being so nervous? You did nothing wrong to him.” She embraced me a bit. “You were just away for about two weeks, at most.”

  It wasn’t enough to calm me down.

  “Janine, please back me up in there, okay?” I then turned to my horrifically silent girlfriend. “Melissa, I’d…I’d like your help too.”

  She said nothing. Not that she even wanted to. My apology to her was clearly not enough.

  “She’ll come around,” Janine smiled again, though less honestly than before. We were at my house.

  I removed my cover before entering. Naturally, the house was empty, and my father was calling out for Yukio or Tohrumi. They were on my ship cleaning it and picking up new tech for Yukio’s camming job, since I teleported them there. Father saw me, and his expression of pure happiness immediately turned to one of worry. He did not like the looks on our faces.

  “Sit down, son,” he said, still wearing his business suit. I had no idea if he had kept his old job or found a new one, because the info I got from the girls was all over the place.

  “Janine,” he said. She merely nodded quietly. He didn’t dare turn to talk to Melissa. Apparently his intuition was also coming back into focus.

  “So I hear you’re an emperor now,” he said. I said nothing.

  “He is, David,” Janine added, but her voice sounded far too cheerful, so she stopped. I saw the glances they were exchanging, so I brought it up.

  “So dad, you and Janine, huh?”

  He bowed his head.

  “Son, you were in space. We were all worried, we thought you dead at certain points! The media kept pestering us, Janine couldn’t take it, so one thing led to another, and…”

  I raised my hand. Indeed, I acted tough, but every muscle in my body was preventing me from crying my eyes out.

  “Dad, I don’t want excuses,” I said.

  “Son, I…”

  Again I raised my hand. He fell silent.

  Much to Melissa’s irritation, I got up and began to walk about the room. It wasn’t pacing – all of my steps were deliberate, and I tried my damnedest not to collapse onto my knees and mewl like a cat with a broken leg.

  “Dad, I see that you have a job finally. That’s…that’s good.”

  And David spotted the change in my voice.

  “What’s wrong, Conrad?” he then smirked. “You’re an emperor of eight planets. You have all of these amazing powers and tons of new friends. Rumor has it that you also have a vast new fortune, as well as the means to link Earth to an intergalactic society.”

  I couldn’t take it anymore.

  “I do have all of that, dad,” I said, with tears now running, but my voice remaining firm and unbroken. “But dad…dad I…I lost the woman I loved!” Melissa couldn’t bear to hear this. “I impregnated so many alien women that I literally have an army of Me’s. I killed millions, billions even! Some were human, some were alien, and the most were my own creations, my own people, my flesh and blood!” I was now crying. “And everything I did put my friends in a state of danger, dad! Even you!”

  I embraced him very hard, the hardest I’ve ever held my old man in my entire life. He reciprocated lightly, with no excessive force in his arms. A complete opposite of mine.

  “I am so sorry, dad!” I screamed. “I’m sorry
for not getting to you sooner, and for ruining your life yet again!”

  But he looked at me puzzled.

  “But Conrad, in these past few weeks you’ve literally done nothing wrong to me.”

  I was also puzzled.

  “Sure, life would’ve been easier had you stayed on Earth, where it was safer, but other than that, you really did nothing wrong.” He smiled. “But you have done an important thing right.”

  He was getting up now, pacing, telling me something that I had to hear at one point in my life. “An important thing,” he continued “which took me years to not even do right.”

  Janine was confused, whereas Melissa refused to pay attention.

  “You see, son,” he said, “Your actions have changed so many people. You will always have casualties during the war, and it’s only normal to want to have sex in a field filled with nothing but sweaty, dirty dudes who also want sex.”

  I almost forgot he used to be conscripted.

  “Moreover, Conrad, you’ve united so many through conflict. No ruler, to my knowledge, managed to combine multiple cultures, customs, and actions into one well-oiled machine. Yet you’ve done that with eight planets!”

  I was so teary-eyed I almost wasn’t listening.

  “But, my Melissa…” I pointed to her, and she immediately left the house, without a word. I wanted to go after her, but both Janine and David stopped me.

  “No, son,” he muttered. “Let her figure it out. And if not – let her go. Melissa will probably be happy with a different man if you won’t suffice.”

  I didn’t like this tone, or this conversation.

  “Dad, I’m trying to keep my friends where they are…”

  He patted me on the back.

  “Conrad, the thing with friends is, there are times you will lose some. Some of them physically, through combat or an accident,” he was looking at his fingers, no doubt replaying his own war in his head. “Yet some you’ll lose by sheer virtue of walking away.” He looked at Janine and me, and smiled. “From what I saw, you’ve made quite a few friends over there in space.”

  “I also made enemies,” I retorted. “Lots of them.”