Only For You (Forever and Always, Book #1)

by E. L. Todd

  3

  “You want to share a cab to the gym?” Janice asked as we walked out of the grand doors that led to the entrance of R and R. I was relieved the day at the office had finally come to an end. By the end of the last hour, I was fantasizing about sticking paper clips into various parts of Carl’s eyeballs, making it impossible for him to close his eyelids. That was the moment I knew I needed to get the hell out of there. I was starting to sound like Patrick Bateman from American Psycho.

  The city was humid from the sweltering heat of summer. The people of Manhattan were wearing shorts and sandals as they passed us on the sidewalk. The roadways were saturated with tourists who came to see the attractions of New York. Personally, I didn’t have any interest in the Empire State Building or the Statue of Liberty. I preferred the culture of the city. Just watching the customers in the coffee shop or the runners who jogged around Central Park was enough to convey the tone of the city—the greatest city in the country.

  “No, I have somewhere to be,” I said sadly. My navy blue dress slipped past my thighs and I pulled it down as we walked to the end of the sidewalk. I was heading to Sean’s apartment. I didn’t visit the evening before because I didn’t know how long the breakup conversation would last and I didn’t want to interrupt them. I hadn’t called or texted him either. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” I waved to Janice as a cab pulled over at the sound of my whistle. I got inside, heading to his apartment a few blocks away. Normally, I would walk, but these heeled shoes were killing my feet.

  When I got out of the cab in front of his building, I went to the pizzeria next door and grabbed a large combination and a few beers before I headed up to his place. Whenever I was depressed about something, Sean always brought me pizza and beer. It was like how girlfriends made tea for each other when they were angry at their boyfriends, started their period, or just wanted to bitch about something for the hell of it. I always thought the act was touching. After we ate, we would always sleep together in my bedroom, talking about anything else to make me smile. Sean was always there when I needed him. Now I needed to return the favor. The doorman opened the door for me, and another man pressed the elevator button, allowing me to reach Sean’s door without dropping anything. I knocked on the door several times before he finally answered. I was surprised he came to the door at all.

  His lips were stretched tight, like he hadn’t slept in three days, and his eyes were puffy as if he had rubbed poison ivy all over his face. He ran his hand through his hair when he saw me on the doorstep, indicating his awkwardness. I could tell how depressed he was. I’d never seen him look worse. The sight broke my heart.

  “Now isn’t a good time, Scar,” he said weakly. He ran his hands through his brown hair and I saw the despair in his blue eyes. Normally, Sean looked calm and collected even when he was in stressful situations. His shoulders never drooped and he always held himself upright, strong and proud, but now his frame seemed broken. His jaw was tight with unspent tension and his mouth looked tense, not relaxed like it normally was. Sean was still handsome, but he also looked pitiful. He reminded me of a dog that didn’t have an owner—lost. “I’m not in the mood right now.”

  I pushed the door open and walked into the room, placing the pizza on the kitchen table and the beer in the refrigerator. He sighed as he shut the door behind me. I ignored his obvious despair and tried to act normal.

  “The Yankee game is starting in a few minutes,” I said as I popped open two bottles of beer. I gave him one. He held it in his hand but didn’t drink from it. That act alone told me exactly how he was feeling. Sean would never let a fresh beer go to waste. I carried the pizza into the living room and turned on the television. Sean didn’t argue and took the seat next to me on the couch. He finally took a drink of his beer, but he didn’t speak.

  We had been friends for a long time, but I’d never seen Sean so depressed over a break up. He was talented at hiding his emotions and adopting an indifferent façade, but I was connected to him in a way no one else was. I could practically hear his heart scream with every beat. I hated seeing him in so much pain, especially since it was unnecessary. Penelope never should have left him.

  This wasn’t the first break up we had been through together, but it was definitely the worst. I had a boyfriend in college and the relationship was unstable and shaky. Some days we were happy together, and other times we wanted to rip out each other’s throats. It was Sean that finally ended the relationship, saying that he didn’t like the guy and wanted me to find someone better. Without hesitation, I ended the relationship for good. I remembered the day like it just happened.

  “Are you okay?” he asked. We sat together under the shade of a tree near the entrance to the university. I was picking at the grass and Sean was staring straight ahead. It was a Saturday afternoon but neither one of us were in the mood for going out. I was too depressed to have a good time, and I knew Sean wouldn’t leave my side until he knew I was well.

  “I’ll get over it, Sean.”

  “Please don’t do that,” he said. He turned toward me and I felt his eyes sink into me. “You are my closest friend, so please don’t act braver than you really are. That shit isn’t going to work on me. It’s okay to break down sometimes.”

  “I thought it annoyed you when women were emotional and sappy, crying over the loss of a boyfriend?”

  “It does.” He laughed. “But you are different. I love you.”

  “You love me?” I teased. He smiled at me, and I suddenly felt better. I already knew how much he cared for me, but it was nice hearing it once in a while.

  “Yeah,” he said with a smile. “You are different than any other girl I’ve ever met. It’s no wonder why guys are crawling all over you all the time.”

  “Then why aren’t you?” I asked playfully.

  “Since I dated your friend Nancy before I met you, I’ve always thought of you as off limits. Perhaps if I saw you first, things would have been different. I will admit that I’ve checked out your ass a few times.”

  I hit him on the shoulder. “Don’t get gross.”

  He laughed. “You know I respect you, Scarlet. So take it as a compliment.”

  “I still don’t need you to check me out,” I teased.

  He smiled. “You are a hot piece of ass.”

  “You got that right.” Sean put his arm around my shoulder and I leaned my head against him. Somehow he made me feel better without trying, distracting my mind from the root of my pain and changing it into a happy moment. I felt safe with him. I knew it was okay to be upset or depressed, but at the same time, he chased away any reason to be upset. He made me forget my troubles.

  “Are you hungry?” he asked.

  “I’m always hungry.”

  Sean laughed. “Let’s get some pizza and beer.”

  “I know I’m cool like a guy, but I’m still a girl. I do have a vagina.”

  “I’m going to need some proof.”

  I hit him on the shoulder again. “Don’t be gross!”

  “Okay.” He smiled. “Then what would you rather have? A salad and some sliced fruit or something?”

  I shook my head in disgust and thought for a moment. “Pizza and beer sounds good.”

  Sean rolled his eyes. “Women.” He sighed. He got up and extended his hand to me. I placed mine in his and he hoisted me up from the ground.

  The sound of the commercial shattered my memory, bringing me back to reality. I was still sitting on the couch with a cold beer in my hand.

  We watched the game for a few hours and Sean never said anything about Penelope. I hadn’t really expected him to, but after the first few innings, the Yankees were in the lead and Sean began to relax. He started yelling at the screen like he always did when something happened to his favorite baseball team.

  Then he reached for the pizza box and ate half of it, finally finding his appetite and forgetting his depression for a few minutes. As soon as the game was over, he readopted his sullen attitude, breaking
my heart once again. I tried to lighten the mood. “I decided not to dye my hair blonde,” I said.

  “Good.” He smiled. “That would have looked terrible on you.”

  “Well, thanks for being so sensitive about it.” I laughed and held up my beer. “Do you like it? It was the only thing left in the store.”

  He placed his empty bottle on the table. “I’ll drink anything,” he said. “You know me.” Sean finally met my gaze. His eyes fell when he saw the pity in my eyes. “You know.”

  “Yes.”

  He nodded.

  “We don’t have to talk about it, Sean.”

  “Good,” he said. “That’s the last thing I want to do—talk about it.” He looked at the commercial on the screen, but I knew he wasn’t really watching it. I was certain he was thinking of that stupid cunt. I was hoping she’d get hit by a cab or something. Or better yet, get a rare strain of super gonorrhea and die from the unstoppable pus leaking from her pussy. “How was your day?” he asked.

  I immediately thought of my work drama with that asshole, Carl Rogers, but I decided not to share it with Sean. My insignificant problem was nothing in comparison to his pain. The love of his life had just left him. I wasn’t going to bring up something that would just make him feel worse.

  It made me angry knowing I was only hired because my boss wanted to fuck me. It just made it worse that he was threatening to fire me if I didn’t cooperate. It made me doubt my abilities as a copy editor. Would I have gotten the position if I was ugly? I shook my head and cleared the thoughts away. “It was fine. Nothing of any significance happened. But I did see a hotdog vender throw a bun at some woman who was ordering from his cart. She kept complaining about how unsanitary his business was.”

  Sean laughed and it made me smile. “And what were you doing when all of this happened?” He took another drink of his beer.

  “Ordering a hotdog,” I said.

  He laughed loudly at my words. “And you didn’t care about the dirty conditions?”

  “No,” I said as I shook my head. “I dropped my hotdog on the ground but I ate it anyway.”

  “Oh my god,” he said as he leaned over and laughed. He clutched his stomach as he heaved with laughter. Eventually, he leaned back and his chuckles resided to a mere smile. Sean stared at me for a few moments. “Thanks, Scar. I appreciate it.”

  “Of course.” I nodded. I finished my beer and placed the empty bottle on the table, alongside his glass. “Did you work today?”

  “Called in sick,” he said quickly.

  “Do you want to go to a strip club?” I asked. I had never been to a strip club but I knew that’s what guys did in the city. They paid for a lap dance and watched pretty girls get naked. I wouldn’t normally offer something like that, but I was desperate to cheer him up.

  Sean gave me a surprised look. “Why would I want to do that?” he asked seriously.

  “Isn’t that what guys do when they are depressed?”

  “Well, that’s not me and you know it.”

  “I thought you might like to try something different.”

  “Maybe a different flavor of ice cream, but that’s it.”

  “You sound so manly,” I said sarcastically.

  “You got that right.” He took another drink from his beer, just to prove his point.

  “Do you want to get some ice cream in Central Park?” I asked. Sean shook his head as he smiled, clearly amused by my suggestion.

  “I suppose. Even though I didn’t work out today, hardly moved, drank three beers and ate half of a pizza, maybe a little ice cream wouldn’t hurt.”

  “Yeah, you have a lot to worry about, Sean,” I said as I rolled my eyes. We go to the same gym and I’ve seen his workouts. They are intense, making his muscles toned and firm, and his body barely held any fat. If I was walking down a dark alley, I would definitely want him beside me for protection. “Let’s go.”

  We walked around Central Park for an hour, talking about a new account he was working on at the firm, something incredibly boring and I had no real interest in, but I listened to him anyway because I knew he needed to distract his mind. He droned on for about twenty minutes, and normally I would interrupt him, but that day was an exception. My mind kept wandering to my boss and I fantasized about killing him. I thought about it so often that my disturbing thoughts didn’t even surprise me anymore.

  The sun lowered behind the buildings of Manhattan and cast a shadow over the park. It was a nice respite from the humid temperature of the summer heat. Sean finally ended his snooze story and we walked in silence. I finished my child size ice cream a long while ago, but Sean was still picking at his.

  “How did you know?” he asked.

  I knew what he meant. “She told me.”

  “When?” he asked with a sad voice.

  “Yesterday morning—before she did it.”

  His voice became angry, pained with the emotion of betrayal. “Why didn’t you warn me, Scar?”

  “It wouldn’t have changed anything, Sean. She only told me so I would be there for you. It isn’t my place to interfere with your personal relationships. Besides, I think it would have only made things worse.” His eyes still shined with anger and I knew he was upset. “I’m sorry, Sean. I tried to convince her she was making a mistake, but it didn’t change her mind.”

  He threw his half eaten ice cream in the garbage can we passed, and I tossed mine as well. Then he put his hands in his pockets, walking beside me in silence. I decided not to press the subject. We walked back to his apartment without saying a word, and I knew how angry he was by that silence alone.

  Back in the apartment, I grabbed my purse and was ready to leave when he stepped in front of me. “Can you sleep here tonight?” he asked. He dropped his gaze and stared at the floor. His strong shoulders sagged under the weight of his grief and the light in his eyes dimmed, appearing lifeless. My hatred for Penelope increased even more. “I couldn’t sleep last night and I don’t expect to get any rest tonight either—if I’m alone, at least.” His request didn’t bother me. I had slept over many times, sometimes in his bed and other times on the couch. It wasn’t unusual for us to be together in such an intimate way. Nothing ever happened and Penelope never felt threatened by me, claiming that if something was going to happen between us, it would have happened already.

  “Yes, of course.” I smiled. I grabbed his shoulder and rubbed him gently for a moment before I dropped my hand. “I don’t mind sleeping on the couch.”

  “Don’t be stupid, Scar. You can sleep in my bed with me. You’ve done it before.”

  “I suppose,” I said quietly.

  Sean gave me a clean shirt and a pair of running shorts, which were way too big. I went into the bathroom to change and when I came out, he was already in bed with the sheet pulled over him. I lay on my side of the bed and set the alarm on my phone so I wouldn’t be late to work. Maybe I’d take one of Sean’s knives to work with me.

  “Did she tell you why?” he asked.

  I knew what he was referring to. I didn’t know if I should tell him the truth, or if he already knew the truth, so I was silent for a moment, debating within the privacy of my mind. “No,” I said finally. “Did she tell you?”

  “Yes and no,” he said. “She mentioned some bullshit about drifting apart and she didn’t see a future for us. Sounds like a fucking lie.”

  “Maybe,” I said non-committedly.

  Sean covered his face with his hands and sighed loudly. “I don’t know what to do.”

  “You’ll be fine, Sean.”

  He shook his head. “No, I won’t. I love her. I mean, I really love her.”

  “I know you do.”

  “I don’t know what to do,” he repeated.

  “How about you go to work tomorrow? Let’s start there.”

  I heard him sigh. “I guess that’s a start.”

  4

  Sean

  “You don’t look sick, but you definitely look like shit.” Br
ian walked into the elevator and stood beside me. The doors closed and the elevator was still for a moment before it began its slow ascent to my firm on the thirtieth floor. My lips felt tight as they formed a constant frown, and I felt my heart ache during every moment. I drank two beers before leaving for work that morning, without Scarlet’s knowledge, just to take the edge off, but I still felt like shit. My mind drifted to thoughts of Penelope. I tried to ignore them, but they came rushing back to me. I completely forgot that Brian was standing beside me.

  Brian waved a hand in front of my face. “Is there anyone home?” he asked. Normally I would be annoyed with this behavior but I was so down that I didn’t care at all.

  “Hi,” was all I said.

  Brian stared at me, probably wondering if I was going to hit him or threaten him. He knew how upset I was. “What the hell happened? Did someone die?”

  “I don’t want to talk about it.” I tightened the strap on my shoulder bag and stared straight ahead at the closed doors of the elevator. I could see Brian staring at me in the distorted reflection. I had no desire to speak with anyone and I wanted to be left alone. I would have just called in sick if Scarlet had let me, but she insisted that being at work would be a good distraction. She was usually right, even though I would never admit that to her. The screen displayed the floor number the elevator was passing and I couldn’t understand what was taking so long. I wanted to get out of there.

  “Did Penelope say no?”

  My teeth ground together in pure hatred for Brian because he said her name. I hated hearing her name from anyone and everyone. That woman, the love of my life, was the last person I wanted to discuss. I thought I was going to marry the girl and I thought she felt the same way. I guess I was wrong. I took a deep breath. “I never asked her.”

  Brian turned away and became quiet. He didn’t speak for awhile and I felt relieved that the conversation had been dropped. I just wanted to disappear down the elevator shaft. I wanted the cord to snap from the burden of the heavy weight on my heart, and I wanted to plummet to my death. Brian could come with me.