by E. L. Todd
“I can’t,” I said.
“Why?”
“I’m madly in love with him,” I said. “I can’t be around him on a daily basis and feel this way. Our platonic relationship is over and can never be the same. We can’t be friends like we used to—everything has changed. I either want all of him or none of him.”
Cortland nodded. “You have to look after yourself first,” he said. “Do you think he loves you?”
“I—I don’t know,” I said honestly. “There are times when I think he could.”
“Only time will tell,” he said.
I met his gaze and he was smiling at me. Against my inner turmoil, I smiled back and felt better for it. The waiter brought the check and Cortland handed him his card.
“Let’s split the check,” I offered.
“I got it, Scar,” he said. I smiled at him for using my nickname, something only Sean and my brother referred to me as.
“That’s unnecessary,” I said as I opened my wallet. “Please let me pay for my half.”
Cortland smiled at me. “Buy me a cup of coffee and we’ll be even.”
I sighed and put my wallet away.
“Are you ready to go?” he asked.
“Yep.”
We left the restaurant and Cortland held the door open for me as we walked outside and returned to the market. We marveled at the items for sale and Cortland stopped in front of a coffee shop. “Would you like some coffee?”
“Sure.” I smiled.
We both ordered our drinks, but Cortland paid the cashier before I could even open my wallet. He just smiled as he took the drinks and gave me one.
“You said I could treat you to coffee.”
“Well, you are just too slow.”
We left the shop and explored Pike’s Market, and even though I had been there countless times, I still enjoyed the atmosphere and the colorful people who worked inside.
“My first impression about you was right,” I said as I drank my coffee.
He looked at me. “And what impression was that?”
“That you are a pretentious douche.”
Cortland laughed. “You caught me.”
“Thank you,” I said.
“Of course,” he said. “Call me old-fashioned, but I think a man should always be a gentleman, even if it is just his friend’s sister.”
“That’s not what I meant,” I said. “Thank you for listening to me. I’m practically a stranger and you’ve been so tentative and comforting to me. You bring Ryan to your family holidays and now you are taking care of me.”
“It’s like I already said.” Cortland smiled. “Ryan is family and so are you.”
“Well, I’m honored to be considered,” I said.
“So has this guy called you?” he asked. “And does he have a name?”
“Sean,” I said. “And no, he hasn’t. I asked him not to and he has kept his word.”
“Then you should make the first move.”
“No,” I said. “He took advantage of me—something you should never do to your best friend. I don’t want to see him or speak to him, unless he wants something more with me.”
“How long have you felt this way?”
“I really don’t know,” I said. “It just dawned on me recently. I’m not sure why I never noticed it before.”
Cortland nodded. “Sometimes it takes one instance to have something snap in your mind—rearrange your head—and make you realize what has always been there.”
“I guess so.” I nodded.
“Are you going to try to move on from him?” he asked. “Date other guys?”
“Yes.” I sighed. “I will eventually. I would rather be over him without dating anyone. I am in no place to start dating, but I don’t want to think about Sean anymore. I want to forget about him.” Maybe that’s what Sean was thinking when he slept with me. Now I understood his actions.
“That’s understandable,” he said. “Just take it one day at a time.”
“You’re right,” I said. I looked over at him and watched him drink his coffee. Cortland was looking at a couple sitting together on a bench but his smile dropped as he watched them. I wasn’t sure why the sight bothered him. He reminded me of Sean in many ways with his sense of chivalry and his ability to understand my feelings, but he looked nothing like him. Cortland’s cheekbones were high and he has a curved face similar to mine, and his lips were thin. His handsome features and built physique made me wonder if he had a girlfriend, but I decided not to ask. Cortland had never revealed anything personal about himself, and I decided it would be unfair to question him. After all, he only asked me because I revealed information to him initially.
“Are you ready to go back to the apartment?” he asked as he tossed his empty cup into a garbage can.
“Yes,” I said.
We walked back to the car then drove to Ryan’s apartment across town. Cortland parked the car and walked me to the door, like the gentlemen that he was.
“Would you like to come in?” I asked. “Ryan should be home soon.”
Cortland thought for a moment. He stared at me with his green eyes and I could tell he was thinking about something, but what that was, I would never know. “I should probably get back to work,” he said finally. “Have a good day.” He turned and walked to the elevator then disappeared behind the doors. I inserted my key in the lock and slipped inside the apartment.
I went straight to my room. I pulled my phone from my purse and looked at the screen, but there were no missed calls or texts from Sean. I hated how pathetic I had become, thinking about Sean to the exclusion of everything else. I also hated how much I missed him. I didn’t want to feel that way anymore—so depressed and hollow. I wanted to forget about Sean and move on. He didn’t want me and he was never going to—it was never going to happen.
A few hours later, I heard the front door open and knew Ryan was home. I didn’t get up or move from my spot on the bed. It wasn’t that late, but there was nowhere else I would rather be than in my bed. Ryan opened my bedroom door a few minutes later, and lay on the floor in his sleeping bag without saying anything for a while. I just listened to him breathe in the darkness. I counted the number of breaths in a minute, trying to keep my mind off Sean.
“Did you have fun today?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“Where did you and Cortland go?”
“Pike’s Market,” I answered.
Ryan nodded. “Business was crazy today. I’m not sure why so many people came in. It was one of the busiest days I’ve had.”
“That’s because you are an amazing artist.”
“I know you don’t approve of my career choice, so you can drop the act, Scar.”
I sighed. “I just think you are better than that, Ryan. I don’t mean to offend you. You are one of the smartest men I know.”
“I don’t see the relevance. Doing something you don’t love is stupid. Inking is what I care about, something I’m passionate about. My artwork is everything to me. I would be a fucking idiot if I decided to become a lawyer simply because I have the brains to do so.”
“But you don’t even have any tattoos.”
“Once again, I don’t see the relevance,” he said. “Just because I don’t have any ink doesn’t mean I don’t respect and appreciate the art form. Personally, I just don’t want one. I find the human body to be perfect without any markings.”
“And isn’t that a direct contradiction to your profession?”
“No,” he said. “That would be imposing my beliefs on others, something I will never do. I really wish you would respect my career choice. I make enough money to have a comfortable lifestyle, and most importantly, I’m happy. Who cares about a flashy job and wads of cash if you hate life? I’m very proud of you for graduating Harvard with almost perfect honors, but does it really matter? In the end, you can’t take that diploma with you.”
I thought about his words for a moment. I agreed with his message and was part
ly mesmerized by it. Ryan was a carefree spirit that everyone loved and adored. I never met a single person who didn’t like him.
“You sound like a hippie.” I smiled.
“Thank you,” he said. “I’ll take that as a compliment.”
“It was meant to be one.”
Ryan stared at the ceiling and tapped his fingers against his chest like a song was stuck in his head. I looked at him lying on the floor then closed my eyes. Having both Cortland and Ryan as companions made the experience more bearable. I was so fortunate that I had them to care for me. I remembered what Cortland said about my brother spending the holidays with him and his family.
“I’m sorry I didn’t come home last year,” I whispered.
“It’s okay, Scar,” he whispered. “Don’t worry about it.”
“I’m still sorry.”
“I know,” he said. “So what will you do now, Scar? Just lie in your bed until the end of time?”
“I don’t know, Ryan.”
“I think you should pursue something. Cortland and I can only entertain you for so long—we’ve got jobs and lives. I want you to dedicate yourself to something so it will make you happy, like how my tattoo shop has helped me.”
I nodded. “You’re right,” I said. “I hate being depressed as much as you hate seeing me depressed.”
“I doubt it,” he said. “I can assure you it hurts me a lot more. I hate knowing that I can’t help you in this—it’s out of my control.”
I finally closed my eyes and so did Ryan. I heard his phone ring, but I didn’t open my eyes, choosing to stay in a semi-dream state. I felt Ryan move from the floor and leave the room, but I still kept my eyes shut, choosing to stay asleep.
19
Sean
When I got back to my apartment, I went into my room and scrolled through the contacts in my cell phone until I found Ryan’s number. My heart relaxed when I saw his name. I had no idea where Scar was, but if she was going to run, I knew she would head to him first. He was the only family she had left in the world—other than myself—and I prayed she was with him. I knew he would keep her safe.
I realized it was late there, almost midnight, but I didn’t care. I had to call. It rang a few times before Ryan answered. I could tell that he wasn’t sleeping by the sound of his voice, but he did sound tired, like he had just been running.
“Hello?” he said.
“Hey, Ryan. It’s Sean.”
I heard the smile in his voice. “I was wondering when you would call.”
I felt my body relax. Scarlet must be with him. “Is she there?”
“Yes,” he said. “She’s sleeping in her room. Do you want to talk to her?”
“No,” I said quickly. “No. Don’t tell her I called.”
“Why?” he asked. “She told me what happened between you two. She seems really upset about it—I’ve never seen her look worse. I sincerely hope that there is more to this story. No offense buddy, but you come off as an ass.”
“Yes,” he said. “Of course, there’s more.”
“So tell me,” he said.
I felt awkward. I didn’t want to discuss having sex with his sister. I knew they were close, but that was crossing a line, in my opinion.
“I already know you slept together,” he said. “If that’s what you are worried about.”
I sighed. “I had no idea how she felt about me. I thought it was just—platonic. She never told me how she felt. And when I hooked up with her friend, she told me Scarlet didn’t have feelings for me. I didn’t realize I was doing anything wrong. And she didn’t tell me all the shit that was going on at work. She kept me in the dark because she already knew how depressed I was.” I thought about telling Ryan about her boss and that I may have killed him, but I decided not to. It was so disturbing that I didn’t even want to know about it. “I’m sorry to bother you, Ryan. I just had to make sure she was safe. She just took off without saying a word to me. I didn’t realize how upset she was until now. She moved all the way to the other side of the country to get away from me—she must hate me.”
“I think only love would drive her that far away from you,” Ryan said. “She told me she can forgive you for what you did, but it’s too hard to see you every day. She is totally in love with you. If she can’t have you in the way she wants, then she wants nothing to do with you. So I suggest you leave her alone unless you want to be with her.”
“I do want to be with her.”
“You mean that?” he asked. “You want to be committed to her? I don’t want you to fuck with her feelings. If you want her, then come be with her. But if you aren’t sure, please don’t waste her time. You will just hurt her more.”
“You’re right,” I agreed. “I don’t want to cause her anymore pain.”
“Good,” he said. “And besides, are you still in a bunch of emotional shit with Penelope?”
“Yes,” I said. “Please don’t remind me.”
“Forget about her, Sean. She’s a fucking bitch anyway.”
“I’m trying,” I said. “So what’s new with you? You still have the tat shop?”
“Yeah,” he said. “Business is great. People love permanently fucking up their bodies.”
“You still don’t have a tat?”
“Nope,” he said. “Nothing catches my eye.”
We sat on the phone for a minute and I couldn’t think of anything else to say. I wanted to talk to Scarlet, but knew I couldn’t. “I’ll let you go,” I said. “Do you mind if I call you to check on her?”
“No,” he said. “I don’t mind in the least.”
“And can this be confidential? I promised Scarlet I wouldn’t contact her.”
“It will be our secret, man.”
“Thanks.”
“Yeah,” he said.
I hung up the phone. I was relieved Scarlet was safe and in the company of someone who would look after her, but I also felt immensely depressed. I couldn’t believe she just took off without saying a word to me. I was still mad at Scarlet for not telling me about Penelope, that the bitch was cheating on me, but now that seemed irrelevant. I knew that I wanted to be with Scarlet. Without her, I was nothing. I just wished it didn’t take a catastrophe to figure it out. But I had to wait. I didn’t want to go to Scarlet until I was certain of my feelings for her. I decided to give it time. I knew she wouldn’t date someone else, not when she was so upset, and she wasn’t the type of girl that went on random dates. She hadn’t had a boyfriend—a real boyfriend—since I had known her. She was on and off with some guy from college, a man I didn’t really like, and she eventually ended it after I told her I didn’t trust him. I wasn’t worried about her moving on, and even if she did, I knew she would leave them for me. I was the one for her. It was obvious.
20
Scarlet
I was searching for editing positions on my laptop all day. Ryan went to work in the morning like he usually did, and I heard the door slam behind him when he came home in the afternoon. I didn’t realize so much time had passed and I jumped when he came into the living room.
“We are going out tonight,” he said as he grabbed a beer from the refrigerator and closed it behind him. He popped off the top and practically chugged the bottle.
“No, thank you,” I said. Editing positions were limited, even in Seattle, and I wasn’t going to give up until I found something. Sean was constantly on my mind and I needed a distraction. Cortland and Ryan were great to have around, but my brother was right. They could only fight my demons for so long.
“Come on,” he said as he rubbed my shoulders. “Go out with us.”
“Who is us?”
“Me and some friends,” he said. “Maybe you’ll meet someone that you like.”
I shook my head. “I’m just not in the mood, Ryan. It’s too soon for me. Besides, I’m looking for editing positions online.”
Ryan seemed to accept my reason because he stood up and went into his room. I sighed as I watched him disa
ppear from the living room. Networking and socializing sounded horrific, and I had no interest at all in doing that. I could imagine myself standing at the bar wearing a tight dress and people hitting on me every few minutes. That didn’t sound like fun at all. I wanted to move on from Sean, but I preferred not to do it with some stranger I met at a bar. I would want to know the guy at least.
Ryan came back into the living room an hour later. “Are you sure you don’t want to come along?”
“Yes.” I smiled. “Please go have fun. You deserve a night out.”
“Yeah,” he said. “Babysitting gets old after a while.”
I rolled my eyes at him.
“I’m bringing a girl back—just so you know. Be prepared.”
“You sure are confident in your abilities,” I said sarcastically.
“Have you seen me?” he asked with a smile. “I know we are related, but you’ve got to admit that I’m hot. We share the same genes after all.”
I laughed as I shook my head. “Have fun, Ryan. And please be safe.”
“I always am.” Ryan left the apartment and locked the door behind him. The silence of the apartment was deafening and made me depressed. I didn’t want Ryan to leave me alone, but I knew I could never ask him to stay. He had already done so much for me. I turned on the television just so there would be background noise, and I focused my thoughts on my computer, not Sean.
A knock on the door made me flinch. Dread filled my heart as I realized I was alone in the apartment. I couldn’t think of anyone who would come over that late on a Friday night. When I walked to the door, I could see Cortland’s features through the peephole. He was wearing a tight fitting blue sweater and plain jeans. He looked incredibly handsome.
I opened the door for him with a smile. He smiled at me and I realized that I was wearing my yoga pants and a plain sweater. Suddenly, I felt awkward and unattractive, sitting alone in an apartment on a Friday night. “Hey,” I said. “What are you doing here?”
“Ryan and I are going out,” he said as he walked through the doorway. I closed the door behind him and followed him into the living room. He looked around for Ryan but didn’t see him. “Is he still getting ready?”