by Deorre, Iris
‘I figured I have two choices. I could choose to be miserable all the days of my life, or I could choose to be happy. It takes much more energy to be miserable, why not be happy. And, nothing good comes out of being miserable so why bother.’ He’d laughed.
Sahara couldn’t agree more. The years of battling cancer had taught her that. She could blame genetics for her misfortune, or she could be happy that she was still alive.
‘It isn’t always easy to be up beat, I’ll admit that. But it’s a conscious choice I make,’ he’d added.
That was how she chose to live her life most days. She never denied the sad days, but she did try to remember what was good.
‘I met a man,’ she said suddenly with her eyes closed.
‘You did?’ Justin turned to face her.
‘Not the way you think.’ She smiled as she remembered Eugene.
‘What way is that?’
‘Well…oh I don’t know what I mean.’
‘You like him, don’t you?’
She giggled.
‘I take that as a yes.’
‘I guess I do like him, but I don’t think I’ll ever see him again. It’s for the best anyway.’
‘Why would you say that?’
‘My life isn’t that simple.’
‘No one’s is. Why not just live in the moment.’
‘I do and I did. I just don’t want to get attached to someone, I might not be there long term.’
‘You can’t be seriously saying that. You of all people should know how life works.’
‘I do, I really do, but when it comes to love, it’s a whole new subject for me.’
‘Let go of all thoughts of tomorrow, just live for today. If you like the guy, you like the guy, there isn’t anything wrong with that.’
‘He’s a player,’ she said.
‘Even better!’ He laughed.
She laughed too. In her mind, she had it all figured out, it seemed like the perfect plan, but in reality, it wasn’t as simple, her heart wasn’t like her mind.
‘Just be you.’ He encouraged.
‘I will.’
They spoke about lighter subjects until there was nothing left between them, except silence. Sometimes it was just enough for them to enjoy each other’s presence. Eventually it was time for her to leave. Elizabeth waited for Sahara to say her goodbye’s to Justin.
‘As always, it’s been great!’ she said.
‘Go and enjoy that shopping!’ he laughed lightly.
‘And you enjoy that drive to McDonalds for the McFlurry.’
‘I sure will.’
Sahara left with her mother. As they walked Sahara felt a little queasy, but that was normal. She’d done it quite a few times that it no longer scared her, not as much as the results of the chemo.
‘Why do you two always talk about things you’ll never do.’
‘Never say never mum. I will go out shopping once the sickness and tiredness has worn off.’
‘Ok, but what about Justin.’
‘We’re just imagining it mum. Sometimes the imagination is better than the real thing.’
‘If you say so, honey.’ Elizabeth wouldn’t understand it the way they did. It wasn’t about doing it, it was just a way of escaping with the mind.
‘When I get home, all I want to do is lie down.’
‘Anything you need honey.’ Her mother smiled.
Chapter Four
Sahara gazed around the restaurant for a moment and spotted them. They were waving like a bunch of crazy women in the corner of Bella Italia. She dashed over toward them with a great big grin!
‘Hey!’ Emily stood up and took her into a big hug. ‘You look great!’
‘Thank you, you look great too. The honeymoon has done you good!’
‘Oh yes, it was lovely. White sands, blue sea…I didn’t want to come back to the real world. Not to mention the miserable weather!’
‘No complaining!’ Sahara warned.
‘I’m sorry.’ She giggled.
‘Hey, you.’ Felicity stood and gave her a hug too.
‘So what’s this emergency meeting?’ Sahara sat down with her closest friends.
The past few weeks, although had been hard and an upward struggle, she’d coped and was feeling a lot better!
Emily looked at Felicity, and pulled her lips.
‘Let me guess, man trouble?’
‘You could say that.’ Felicity took a sip of the wine she’d ordered. ‘But first, let’s get you a drink.’
Felicity waved for the waiter.
‘I’ll have an orange juice please.’
‘Are we ready to order food too?’
‘I’m ready, I already know what I want,’ said Sahara. ‘I’ll have my usual. Yep, today for the first time, I really have an appetite. I’m taking it while it lasts.’
They nodded, they understood not to ask questions. The rule was, Sahara volunteered information.
‘I’m back at the shop, mum’s been great, but I needed to get back into it. My assistant is great too.’
‘That’s wonderful. I never thanked you enough for the beautiful flowers you did for the wedding.’
‘Oh yes you did, numerous times.’ She giggled.
‘Yes I did.’
The waiter returned with the orange juice and they went ahead and ordered.
‘I’ll have the pizza, pepperoni,’ said Emily.
‘And I’ll go for the chicken wings and a salad.’
‘Don’t tell me you’re on diet again?’ asked Sahara. ‘You’re already so skinny.’
‘And that’s the way I want to stay.’
Felicity was tall and slim with gorgeous long black hair. She was a beautiful mix between a black mother and Indian father, something that seemed quite rare, but extremely beautiful. She was also extremely intelligent with a masters in Pathology, and had just started on her PhD. But when it came to men, she was another kettle of fish, it made her friends wonder about her intelligence at times.
‘Go on, tell us what’s bugging you,’ said Emily finally to Felicity.
Felicity sat back and sighed. She knew that the moment she opened her mouth to complain, Sahara would be at her, but it was the risk she was willing to take. She needed to rant, she had to.
‘I let him back into my life,’ she started.
‘Who?’ asked Emily.
‘Craig.’
Emily gazed at Sahara.
‘He’s using me, he only wants sex.’
‘Honey, no one can use you, it’s not possible,’ said Sahara.
Felicity looked at Sahara a little annoyed, but she would continue, she had after all opened this can of worms.
‘Your body, your life is always under your control,’ said Sahara.
‘But, he is, he just wants sex.’
‘So you’re giving your power away by refusing to own the part you play in this drama.’ Sahara wouldn’t let this one go.
‘What are you saying?’ She tried to bite back the anger.
‘I’m saying own it.’
‘What am I supposed to do? He knows what strings to pull and I keep falling back into bed with him. I can’t help it.’
Sahara smiled and put a hand on Felicity’s gently.
‘I don’t think you understand what I’m saying. Let me put it this way.’ She looked briefly at Emily. ‘When you’re in the moment with him, do you enjoy it, or is it so horrible you can’t bear it? My guess is, you enjoy it, that’s why you keep doing it.’
‘I guess.’ She was less defensive. ‘Yes alright, of course I enjoy it.’
‘Then what’s the problem?’ asked Sahara.
‘He leaves straight afterwards and I feel used and alone.’
‘You choose to feel used.’ Sahara spared no punches. ‘In those moments, those magical moments of the big O, there is no thought of being used, is there?’
‘No, of course not, I’m talking about after.’
‘How long does he stay for, you know, when you�
��re getting down to business?’
‘An hour and a half to two hours.’
‘So in those two hours, do you have an amazing time?’
‘Yes, you could say that. What is your point?’ She felt mixed emotions.
‘And yet you choose to focus on the last few minutes of his departure, forgetting the two hours of pleasure you had. It makes no sense to me!’
Felicity was silent a moment.
‘You get to have sex! You enjoy it! He chooses to do it with you, he could do it with anyone, but he keeps coming back to you.’
‘What are you saying?’ her voice was less strained.
‘I’m saying own this. How you view the world is entirely up to you. You can either see it as a bad thing, or a good thing. Don’t be a victim, don’t come from a position of weakness, come from power, own it! Because in reality, there is no wrong or right decision, there is only the decision that is right for you.’
‘My god Sahara, what are they feeding you in those drugs?’ Emily teased.
Sahara laughed. ‘When you live from hour to hour like I do, you hold onto the good, the beauty and I’ll tell you this. Sex is a beautiful thing, don’t make it bad and ugly because of beliefs planted in you by others.’
‘Okay, okay.’ Felicity said, ‘Yes, okay. You know what, you’re right. I never saw it that way.’
‘Me neither,’ said Emily.
Sahara smiled. Her life was just the way it was, she just wished everyone could see what she saw. But then there was the side to her that she feared, the part that couldn’t open up to love. Perhaps it was time she took her own advice for once. She smiled faintly as the thought of Eugene came to mind.
‘So, tell us about your honeymoon.’ Sahara turned to Emily.
Emily beamed from ear to ear. ‘It was fab! The Caribbean sands were amazing. Myles and I would sit out for hours on end. There were times when we ventured out into the town, but that was rare.’
‘I’m so glad you guys had a good time. You guys really deserve to be happy.’
‘Thanks Sahara.’ She smiled faintly, she was dying to know what was going on with Sahara.
The food arrived and they began to eat.
‘It’s been a while since I could enjoy food. This looks great.’ She took a moment to take in the delicious vapour. ‘I might as well enjoy it while it lasts.’
Emily and Felicity smiled.
‘I’m doing really well, only a few more chemo sessions to go, then hopefully I’ll be in the clear.’ She hoped that it would be the last time she went through the pain.
‘That’s good to hear,’ said Emily.
‘Yeah, I’m happy for you. I hope it all goes well.’
‘Yes, me too, but right now, in this moment, I’m going to enjoy this pasta.’ She giggled.
The prawns were divine, even though it was a little chilly, she appreciated every taste. She tasted the garlic, the cheese, the rosemary and the chilly. Each had its own unique flavour, and although blended together, she could separate each flavour. Over the years her senses had heightened, it had been both a good and a bad thing. Sometimes the smell of something, when she was ill, didn’t do her any favours, but in that glorious moment, Sahara enjoyed the food!
‘Any plans this weekend then?’ asked Felicity.
‘Myles and I are just home this weekend. We’re trying to get our home in order. We’ll be peeling off the wall paper in the bathroom.’
‘Yes, you did mention you wanted to upgrade that bathroom. What did you call it again?’ Sahara asked between mouthfuls.
‘A blast from the past.’
‘Yeah.’ She laughed.
‘Honestly, you guys have seen it, I mean Christ! Carpet! It’s so tatty and so nineteen forties.’
‘Yeah, it is in need of a makeover,’ said Felicity.
‘What about you? Up to anything exciting?’ Sahara asked Felicity.
‘Off to see my family this weekend. Exciting.’
‘You don’t sound excited.’ Emily laughed.
‘Well, going home is just a place to be sent around.’
‘That’s okay then isn’t it?’ Sahara teased.
‘Hey, tell us what you’ll be up to this weekend?’ Felicity asked Sahara.
‘I’m working this weekend. I’ve got a great big order to get out.’
‘Don’t over exert yourself,’ Emily said before it was too late. She knew how Sahara hated to be tagged as vulnerable.
‘I won’t, don’t worry.’ Sahara had sensed her worry.
Emily smiled. They continued to eat with only a few words between them here and there. It had been a great evening and Sahara had felt fun and useful. It was almost as if her life was back to normal, at least she’d like to thinks so, even if it was just for the day.
****
‘Tell me you’ve got good news,’ said Eugene as he settled into the jaguar, after stepping off one of his private jets.
‘Well, hello to you too,’ replied Casey.
‘Sorry, it’s been a hectic few weeks. I know I’ve been on your back, but it comes with the job.’
‘I get that, that’s not the problem.’
‘What is?’
‘This obsession you have with this woman. I thought by now you’d be over it.’
‘I guess you don’t realise how important this one is. There was something really special about her. However long it takes, I really want to find out more about her. Do we need to fire the investigator? I mean, it looks like a trip to my friend is in order.’
‘No we don’t. He came back with information a week ago.’
‘Then why the hell didn’t you tell me?’
‘I tried to, but I could never get the information in.’
Eugene sat back into the comfortable seats as the driver started off toward his home. What Casey had said, was true, he’d been so busy, that there had been no room to think about Sahara, that wasn’t to say he’d forgotten about her.
‘That is true, but the storm is over now. All I want to know right now is, do I have a contact?’
‘We do.’
‘So tell me what do you know?’
‘Well.’ Casey watched him a moment. She’d never seen him this crazy about a woman. Eugene was known to change women like his underwear.
‘I have her address, her phone number and her place of work.’
‘Anything else?’
‘She’s an only child to a single parent, but other than that, there isn’t a lot more. This woman seems to be a very private person. It took our guy a while to dig things up. Family and friends aren’t forthcoming either.’
‘I guess I have enough to go on.’
‘What are you going to do?’
‘What do you think?’ He winked.
‘She won’t like it one bit, you spied on her.’
‘She doesn’t have to know.’
‘Is that the way you want to start a relationship?’
‘Leave this with me, I know what I’m doing.’
‘Fair enough, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.’
He offered nothing. Instead he sat back, shut his eyes and tried to get some rest. The following morning he would figure out what he wished to do with the information.’
Chapter five
Sahara was up at the crack of dawn. It was going to be a long, but great day. There was the order for the wedding flowers that would be picked up at seven o’clock and then there was another big order for a charity event. There were also the odd orders that would come in during the day. Sahara loved to be busy. She loved arranging flowers and making someone’s day. She always remembered what flowers had done for her, when she was in the hospital. She loved their colours, their soft scent and the beauty they brought to her life. Flowers reminded her that the world was beautiful, no matter what was going on in her life. When she gazed at a flower, she felt centred, it brought her back to herself, and everything else around her became quiet.
Sahara knew that no one would understand her rela
tionship with flowers. Flowers gave her the courage to face each day, and that was enough for her to keep doing what she was doing. She’d been over the moon when the bank had approved the loan to start her small flower business. Her passion overflowed to her customers that it made it very successful. It had been one of the reasons she’d had to get an assistant.
Even though the illness had held her back at times, she never stopped working completely. When her energy was back, Sahara was in her shop, making the prettiest bouquets, hoping to make someone’s day.
She got out of bed like she’d just won the lottery. It was something she always did when she felt up to it. Every morning she opened her eyes, she thanked the heavens for another day. It was all she could do, she could only take one day at a time.
As she took a shower, she enjoyed the hot water on her back and the feel of the lather on her arms as she scrubbed herself clean. She took in the smell of the Sanex shower gel, a gel she’d loved so much and just enjoyed the moment. There was a moment when her scars pulled her back into the dark place, but it was short lived. Sahara had taught herself to dwell a few moments in darkness, and then had to pull herself back to the light.
She stepped out of the shower and proceeded to brush her teeth. She gazed at her pretty face and tilted as she thought about what to do with her hair. There were times when she was terrified of putting a comb through it, but it had to be done. Life had to move on regardless of what befell her.
Ever so softly she began to hum, and then she began to dance. She rinsed her mouth, and then danced her way out of the bathroom and back into the bedroom. If there was one thing she’d prayed for that day, was to have the energy for the whole day. Energy came in waves as did her emotions, and it took all of her might and outside help from energy drinks to keep it together.
She opened her closet still singing and pulled out a pair of denim’s and a blue shirt. Each moment, each choice she made, Sahara was in the moment. As she moisturised her body, she appreciated what her body had done for her so far. As she splashed on a light perfume, the only one she could stand without retching, she smiled that all her limbs were still working.
‘Gratitude.’ She told herself. ‘I’ve got so much to be grateful for.’
The morning ritual was like a shot of medicine, a magic pill that helped her face the day.
After she’d dressed herself and wrapped the belt around her waist almost twice, because her waist was almost none existent, she ran her hand through her hair. Her heart stopped a moment and the sudden wave of positive emotions filtered out of her like a gush of water, as she looked at the clump of hair in her hand.