by Deorre, Iris
‘You don’t understand.’ She was tearing up. The sex had definitely made her feel vulnerable. It had opened up the deepest part of her, the parts she didn’t want him to see.
‘Then help me understand. I’m not going anywhere, if that’s what you think.’
‘You don’t know that. You don’t know what it’s like after chemo.’
‘Then let me know, let me understand. I could even take you.’
‘No, no…I’m fine. I’m sorry, Eugene, please just go.’
‘Does that mean you never want to see me again?’ He felt a deep sadness.
‘I don’t know what it means.’
Sahara truly didn’t, all she knew was how exposed she felt. It was too early for her to depend on someone who might not be in her future.
He pulled on his trousers, and finally he was all dressed and ready to go. He sat on the bed a moment and tried to reach out, but she pulled away. It hurt him dearly, but he knew there wasn’t much he could do.
‘I guess, I’ll be going.’ He stood up.
She didn’t turn to watch him go, instead she felt like a complete idiot, but it felt better than being let down. Sahara was certain that if he saw the reality of her illness, he wouldn’t want to put up with it. It was better to stop the relationship before it went too deep.
‘Throw the keys through the letter slot,’ she said.
‘Okay.’ He didn’t know how else to proceed, it was new to him, different. ‘Bye.’
‘Bye.’ She bit back her lip to stop herself from crying.
Chapter Eight
‘Honey, are you ready? We don’t want to be late.’ Her mum shouted from downstairs.
‘I’ll be down in a minute.’ She did the last bit of touches to her make up.
She smiled at herself in the mirror. ‘Everything is going to be okay.’ She sucked in a deep breath. ‘Everything is okay.’
After the pep talk she joined her mother downstairs.
‘Honey? You didn’t tell me you cut your hair.’
‘I don’t have to tell you everything do I?’
‘What’s with the attitude? You know I don’t appreciate being talked to that way.’
‘I’m sorry mum.’ She turned to her mum. ‘I shouldn’t have said it that way.’
‘I know this is tough, and I know that sometimes you feel angry, and that’s okay, but also know that what you say can hurt other people.’
‘Yes, you’re right.’ She thought about Eugene, and her heart sunk. ‘I just had a lot on my mind, and I still know that’s not an excuse.’
‘That’s alright honey. Shall we go?’
Sahara nodded.
‘And you can tell me all about this hot hunk you’re dating.’
Sahara stopped in her tracks.
‘Mama knows everything.’ She laughed.
‘Who told you?’
‘Does it matter? All I care about is that you’re happy, and hopefully you’re getting some!’
‘Mum!’ she was mortified. Her mother had never spoken to her like that before.
‘Oh sweetheart, you’re an adult. Sex is a beautiful thing, don’t deny yourself the pleasure.’
‘I haven’t.’
‘Ah…so there is really a man. Come on, tell me all about him.’
They slipped into the car, Sahara was torn between regret and relief. There were mixed emotions about the whole matter.
‘Well there is no point talking about him now.’
‘Why? What have you done?’ she started the car.
‘Why do you assume it’s me?’
‘Because I know you honey, I’ve known you all my life.’
Sahara leaned back into the car and shut her eyes.
‘You better ring that man and apologise for whatever you’ve said or done.’
‘Why?’
‘Because if you don’t, I will place you over my lap and give you a nice hiding.’
Sahara laughed.
‘Seriously though sweetheart, don’t shut out love just because you’re scared.’
‘I can’t do it, mum. He’ll see the worst of me.’
‘But he’ll also see the best of you. And if he walks away from you, he’s the fool not you. Don’t shut him down just because you’re afraid to get hurt. At some point, we all get hurt, it’s unavoidable. But that’s all part of living.’
Sahara was quiet. She knew her mother was right. She’d always believed in living in the moment, taking opportunities as they came, and up to a point she’d managed, but when it came to love, it was a whole new ball game.
‘So what’s he like.’
Sahara let go of the internal fight and began to tell her mother about the man who made her heart stop. Elizabeth listened and was glad that her daughter had at least found someone, even if it was for a short while.
‘So he’s that gorgeous man who carried you to the car at Emily’s wedding?’
‘Yep!’
‘You should invite him over for a Sunday roast.’
‘Mum.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because I’m not sure I’m going to see him again.’
‘Well, you’ll have to make sure that doesn’t happen.’
By the time they reached the hospital, Sahara had been given a full lecture about what to do. She let it go in one ear and out the next, like she always did when her mother went on about things a little too long.
‘I’ll do my best mum,’ she said finally as she got out of the car. ‘You don’t have to come in.’
‘I’m not, I’ve got to do some shopping.’ She smiled.
‘Okay, see you soon.’ She shut the door and headed for the hospital.
‘Hey, you!’ She greeted Justin.
‘You’re late,’ he said.
‘I’m so sorry.’ She giggled as the nurse started to attend to her. ‘Did you have a good weekend?’
‘I did, I went surfing, the whole of Saturday and Sunday, it was awesome!’
‘I’m sure it was. Besides that, did you see your family?’ Sometimes she wished Justin didn’t have to fantasise his weekends or his days. She wished he could at least experience one of them.
‘Yes, Dad and Mum came, my sister doesn’t like coming to the hospital. It freaks her out.’
‘I’m sorry to hear that.’
‘Don’t be, we skype a lot, so she’s there for me, in her own way. I don’t blame her, hospitals suck! Sorry.’ He said to the nurse.
‘You’re right, hospitals do suck.’ The nurse chuckled.
‘How was your weekend?’
‘Well, I had a date.’
‘Oh my god! You? A date?’
‘Actually, I’ve been seeing someone for a while now.’
‘Oh wow! Is that why you haven’t been around?’
‘Haha, you know I only come ever so often.’
‘I know. I’m happy for you.’
‘Don’t be, I kinda blew it.’
‘What did you do?’
She relayed as much of the story as possible. He listened intently before giving his verdict.
‘Here’s what I think. If that man loves you, he won’t let you get away with it. He’ll come after you.’
‘I don’t know, I was really silly.’
‘No you weren’t, you were just scared. I get scared all the time and I push away the people I love, it happens to the best of us.’
‘Thanks for that, I felt awful, and my mother didn’t help.’
‘Because she’s not you, no one will understand it until they step into our shoes.’
They spoke a while longer, about things they wanted to do, dreams they wanted to experience. Even though Justin wasn’t certain he’d ever get out of the hospital, he certainly had a positive outlook on life. There were a few more people around them, but it never seemed to bother them. It was the way their lives were, and they made the best of what they had.
She didn’t notice him walk in, she was too busy laughing at Justin’s impersonation of Scooby doo. It w
as when Justin stopped to look in his direction, did she notice him. Sahara almost choked on her spit. Her heart thudded, and she felt the fear in the pit of her stomach.
‘What are you doing here?’ she asked.
He approached her and knelt down and looked up at her.
‘Who’s your friend?’ asked Justin.
‘Eugene, I’m Eugene.’ He proffered his hand to Justin who only just managed to shake it. ‘I’m Sahara’s boyfriend.’
She gasped.
‘She didn’t want to see me, but I came to tell her that, that wasn’t her choice to make.’
‘It is my choice,’ she said.
‘I can’t make you love me, but I’m sure as hell going to love you.’ He looked up into her eyes. ‘Scream and shout at me if you want to, but I’m not going anywhere.’
She turned away from him, Sahara was unable to look him in the eyes, it hurt too much, she felt too open.
‘So you’re the gorgeous man she’s been talking about,’ said Justin.
‘She’s been talking about me?’ He laughed gently.
Sahara turned to face him. ‘You don’t understand.’
‘Then help me understand.’
‘This isn’t an illness you get over, I don’t even know if the cancer is completely gone from my body. I’ve lost my hair, my eyelashes and my body weight. It has taken its toil on me, and after today, I’m going to be as sick as hell, that isn’t attractive one bit!’
‘I don’t care.’
‘But I do! I don’t want you to see me like that.’ She couldn’t let him.
He pulled up a chair and sat with them. He was silent, there wasn’t a lot he could say. He knew that what he’d walked into was a big deal, but for once in his life, he felt that he was doing it because he truly did love her.
‘Hey, so what do you do?’ Justin began to quiz him.
Eugene freely gave information, and at times looked over at Sahara who still seemed closed up.
‘Wow! So do you own a sports car?’ he asked.
‘I do. I own a Porsche and Ferrari.’
‘Shit! I’d love to ride in one of those!’
‘You’re welcome to, I could take you for a spin sometime.’
‘You can’t, it doesn’t work that way.’ Sahara interjected.
‘Oh don’t worry about the rules, I can twist my parent’s arms to let me do it. You only live once right?’
‘Right!’ said Eugene.
Sahara didn’t respond.
‘You’ve got yourself one hell of a man.’
Sahara smiled at Justin briefly. She didn’t want him to think she was being mean. She tried her best to be as vocal as possible with both of them, but as soon as it was time to go, the fear washed over her again.
‘Sahara?’ Elizabeth queried as she entered the room.
‘Mum, you’re here!’ she said.
‘Ms Young?’ asked Eugene.
‘You must be the young man Sahara told me about this morning.’
‘Sounds like I’m popular today.’ He laughed.
‘It’s nice to meet you.’ Elizabeth beamed.
‘It’s nice to meet you too. Hope I’m not intruding.’
‘Of course you are,’ said Sahara.
‘Of course you’re not, this is good for Sahara.’
‘Hello, I can speak for myself.’
But instead of heeding her, they started to talk like old friends. Justin smiled, trying not to giggle, but was finding it impossible.
‘You’ve certainly betrayed me,’ she said to him.
‘Oh come on, this is the best thing that’s happened to you.’ He winked and she smiled.
‘So you’re okay if I take Sahara home.’
‘Be my guest, I have things to do anyway.’
‘Hello, still here.’
‘Let me give you some advice.’ She pulled him away from Sahara.
‘Mum?’ She didn’t like the sound of that.
‘Sahara maybe ill, but don’t let her disrespect you. At times she maybe really angry, and that’s understandable, but always remind her that you must be treated with respect.’ Elizabeth patted his shoulder.
‘I’ll do my best.’
‘No seriously. She’s a grown woman and she knows the difference between being disrespectful and being angry. It’s two different things.’
He nodded and looked her way.
‘Anyway, I’ll leave you two, to it. Good luck.’ She started off. ‘See you darling, ring me if you need me.’
‘I need you now.’
Elizabeth smiled, and then left Eugene to deal with Sahara.
‘Shall we go?’
‘I don’t have a choice, do I?’
‘Yes you do, you can choose to stay, or go, it’s up to you.’
‘Haha, very funny.’
‘And you, I’m going to bring my sports car along and we can go for that spin.’
‘I’ll hold you to it.’
‘You do that. Make sure you get permission.’
‘I’m sure I can manage that.’
‘See you soon.’ He held out his hand for Sahara to take.
She was a little hesitant at first, but finally took it and they walked out of the hospital.
‘Don’t promise things you can’t deliver.’
‘What makes you think I won’t deliver?’
‘He’s very ill, it’s hardly likely they’ll let him out.’
‘I can at least try.’
She stopped before they entered the car and gazed up at him.
‘Why are you doing this?’
‘Doing what?’
‘This, coming here, taking me home? You can be with any woman you choose and yet you choose me.’
‘What’s wrong with being with you?’
‘Don’t you get it? I’m sick, and I may or may not get better. And if I do get better, there’s no guarantee that cancer won’t come back!’ She was almost in tears.
She swirled a little forward as if she were about to collapse. Eugene caught her into his arms just in time, and helped her into the car.
‘I feel sick.’ The sickness had come faster than before, anxiety and fear didn’t help.
Even though she’d had the anti-sickness medication, they didn’t help like before.
‘Are you okay?’
‘No! I’m not!’ She snapped.
‘What number?’ he asked.
‘Pardon?’ She looked at him a moment.
‘What number are you right now?’
‘Stop it! Just stop!’
‘No! I will not stop. I love you! You want to know why I’m here today with you, when I could be with any woman, as you put it. It’s because I love you! I don’t want to be with someone else.’
‘Don’t say that.’
‘Say what?’
‘That you love me! This isn’t a game, I told you, I can’t promise you I’ll be here in a year’s time.’
‘No one can promise that. Heck I could be in a plane crash two days from now. I could collapse from a brain aneurism, but right now, like you always put it. I’m here, you’re here, so you’re going to let go of your pride, your ego and let me help you.’
‘I’m not being proud!’
‘Yes you are!’
‘Look at me, I’m feeling awful, soon I’ll be sick, and not look my best. I don’t want you to see me like that.’
‘Well you’re going to have to suck it up and accept that, because I’m not going anywhere.’
‘Don’t shout at me!’
‘I’m not shouting at you, we’re having a disagreement. That’s what couples do, when they love each other.’
Her head spun and she felt queasy. The look on her face told him all he needed to know, and just in time he handed her a sick bag. Sahara started to wretch, she had no choice, but to let go and just allow what was. He gently placed his hand on her shoulder and tried the best he could, to soothe her.
‘I don’t like this, I don’t want to be like this.’ She cried
into the bag.
‘I’m here. Whatever you need I’m here.’
The rest of the drive was done in silence. No words could be spoken. Too much had already been said.
The car halted outside. He asked her to hand him the keys, and to wait in the car. She felt too ill to argue, she just wanted to lie down. A few seconds later, the door to her side opened, he leaned forward and took her into his arms.
‘I’m okay to walk.’
‘But you don’t have to, I’m here.’ He kissed her forehead.
Sahara was grateful she didn’t have to take the few steps to the door. Feeling sick wasn’t the best feeling in the world, even after being sick. He shut the door with his foot, took her upstairs and lay her on the bed. She smiled up at him slightly, then turned around and tried to get some sleep.
He took a moment to study the woman who lay on the bed. It broke his heart that she was ill, but he was hopeful that she would get better. He couldn’t loose her, not when he’d just met her. She was right about life, but he couldn’t think about that, all he could do was take one day at a time, moment by moment.
He stepped out and made a call. Casey picked up on the third ring.
‘What’s up boss?’
‘Could you cancel my trip to Dubai, I’ll be out of work for a bit.’
‘Really?’ She was shocked. He’d never been able to slow down a day in his life.
‘Yes, really, I’ve got something more important to attend to.’
‘Is it that woman?’ she asked curiously. ‘Because if it is, I’m impressed, she’s really got you hooked.’
‘It’s not like that, anyway, could you go ahead and do that, and just keep me informed about everything. If and only if, a call is important enough to disturb me, then you can give me a ring.’
‘Certainly, I’ll get right on it. Hope you’re okay, whatever it is.’
‘I will be. I’m just taking time out. I mean what’s the point of all this money if I can’t take some time off.’
‘True.’
‘Thanks Casey, for everything.’
‘You’re welcome boss.’
They hung up. He popped his head into the bedroom. Sahara turned to face him.
‘You didn’t have to cancel your life for me.’
‘I didn’t do it for you, I did it for me.’ He smiled. ‘I don’t think I’d be able to concentrate until I know you’re okay.’
She turned away again.
‘Can I get you some water?’