by Skyler Snow
“Dude, are you just not really a morning person or something?” Tom asked, genuine concern laced his voice as he watched me with raised brows. I must have looked insane, my hair still wet from my shower, my face burning red, and my breathing ragged. I shook my head, still too out of breath to respond with anything. He started up the car and pulled out onto the street, still glancing at me out of the corner of his eye. “So, did anything exciting happen?”
I froze and pressed my lips together, but I could feel Tom’s eyes on me.
“I’m not sure what you mean,” I said, refusing to meet his inquisitive gaze.
“You know I won’t let it go.” Even without looking at him, I knew he would be wearing a knowing smirk.
“I fucking kissed him, Tom,” I blurted out.
It felt more like a confession than anything else. It was the first time I had said it out loud, and the silence that followed was crushing. I looked over at Tom, and he seemed only a little surprised, but the silence was making me squirm.
I pressed my lips together, refusing to break the silence. I studied Tom, waiting for him to speak. The look on his face was more thoughtful than anything, so I waited, telling myself not to spiral into panic, but for some reason there was a prickling feeling of tears welling up in my eyes.
“Well… Did you mean to?” Tom’s voice was a bit confused and thankfully his tone didn’t hold its usual teasing.
“No! Well… Yeah… I think so… I was drunk!” My hands were shaking now and my throat felt tight. I left out the part where that desire to kiss him hadn’t faded away at all since last night, mostly out of embarrassment… or maybe it was confusion.
“God, I’ve probably fucked everything up.” My chest tightened, and I felt the familiar tendrils of a panic attack setting in. “He’ll probably want me to leave now. I can’t believe I did that.”
“I mean… You were drunk.” Tom looked over at me before I felt the car jerk to the side. I looked around to see that he had pulled off onto the side of the road, lined with other cars in a haphazard parallel-parking job. “C’mere.”
He held his arms out to me, and I buried myself in his arms. I began to sob, my tears leaving dark spots on his grey sweater, as he gently rubbed my back, making soothing noises. My breathing seemed to burn all the way up and out my throat before I began to calm down and my body relaxed. Tom pulled away handing me a bottle of water which I happily accepted.
I wasn’t even sure why I was crying. Was it the relief of finally feeling all the things I thought I never would? Or was it fear, because I had to face Scott? What if I’d made such an ass of myself that he’d want me to go? It was going to be weird, wasn’t it? Going back there now?
I let out a long sigh and chugged some of the water to soothe the burning in my throat. At least it did its job and I felt a little better.
“Okay, man. It’s all gonna be okay. It’ll probably be awkward, but honestly, if you just don’t bring it up, it’s unlikely that he will either. And if he does, you could just say that you were drunk.” Tom began to explain in a gentle voice, watching as I pulled myself together, wiping the last of my tears away and handing back his water bottle.
I felt like he was giving me an out. Yeah, I was drunk, but did I even want the out?
“But it wasn’t because of that! I… I think I like him.” My brows knitted together in confusion. “Like... I might want to be with him.”
“Still, it might be good to pretend nothing happened. Just to give yourself some time.” Tom reached out to my hand, gently rubbing the back of it with his thumb, helping me to calm down again. “You feeling a little better?”
“Yeah.” My voice was hoarse now and my eyes felt a little puffy. But I was much better than I had been before when I was alone in the apartment panicking. “I don’t know why I cried.”
“Ain’t nothing to worry about. Crying’s a good thing. Makes ya feel better.” Tom was back to his teasing tone as he clipped his seatbelt back on, watching to make sure that I did the same. “Are you worried that he might kick you out?”
“Maybe a little, but then again, not really? I don’t know why my emotions are all fucked up right now.” I trailed off, wondering how I should put it. “He’s a good man. I… actually don’t know why I cried.” There was a strange wave of calm that rolled over me. Whether it was because of the cry or because the numbness after the panic attack was settling in, I was grateful for it. It would help me look relatively normal in front of the others. For now, I would prefer to keep this private.
“Probably just a lot going on. Besides, you’ve had these panic attacks before.” Tom looked over at me, searching my face. I was certain that he could read me like a book. Although, right now, if it was a book open for reading, it must be a mess of words. I hardly knew what was going on in my life, either. Just a few weeks ago I had moved in with Scott and started a new job and kissed him. My life was a whirlwind of events, and I hadn’t realized how stressed it had all made me. “So... you really like him?” Tom asked, a small smile on his face.
“I think I like him. At least, I want to kiss him again.” My voice was barely above a whisper as I admitted that deep-seated truth. There was a prickling in my face as a blush rose to my cheeks and thankfully Tom looked away from me to stare out at the road.
“Is this… You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to by the way, that’s all fine, but is this like... your first gay interaction with a guy?”
Tom, for all his teasing, was a good friend. You wouldn’t think so with his lewd attitude and sharp wit. It was obvious he knew when to put it all away and listen. I felt some of the weight lift off my shoulders and I melted back onto the seat.
“Yeah. Last night.”
“And is he gay?” Tom asked, his eyes never leaving the road. We must have been getting close to work now, but he was driving slower than before. He stopped at every yellow light we ran into, giving us both more time to talk. Thank God for him and his thoughtfulness. I definitely needed someone to talk things through with.
“I don’t know. He’s never dated anyone, to my knowledge.”
“Sounds pretty gay,” he smirked.
My brow rose. “How does that sound gay? Maybe he’s just private.”
Tom snorted, “Yeah, right, private… I bet my last dollar he’s gay.” Tom glanced my way briefly, before focusing back on the road, “He’s what… fifty?”
“Forty-eight,” I murmured.
“Trust me, no one is that private.” Tom sounded completely certain.
I thought about it. Scott didn’t seem like the kind of man that would stay in the closet. He was just larger than life and so self-assured.
“I don’t know.” I shrugged. “Maybe.”
“Trust me, newbie,” Tom said. “Your silver fox is gay, or at the very least, somewhere on the dick-liking spectrum.”
I couldn’t stop the snort that followed and when I met Tom’s gaze, we burst out laughing.
Tom was suddenly serious again. The guy was an enigma. “And are you okay with it? Being gay?”
“I’m not gay,” I shot back. Probably a little too quickly. I wasn’t sure if it was a knee-jerk reaction, and silence followed as my brain raced, trying to figure it out.
“There’s nothing wrong with it.”
“I know that, Tom.”
Tom himself was bisexual, Connie was lesbian, and Isaac… None of us were sure, but we all had thoughts.
“Do you really?” Tom parked in front of the office building but made no move to get out of the car. He took his seat belt off and turned to face me. His eyes on mine were serious, but also filled with pity. “Do you really?” he asked again.
12
Scott
I left for work early, knowing that it was cowardly. I woke up when my room was still grainy in the darkness and left as quietly as possible. Staring longingly at Elliot’s locked door before slipping out of the apartment.
At the gym, people seemed to see the conflict ragi
ng on my face. Those familiar faces dropped their smiles and their waves. Instead, they just gave me some space and I was thankful for that. My whole body felt like one big exposed nerve ending.
Thankfully, my first client of the day was quiet as I watched him work out. We didn’t know each other very well yet. He seemed to be a quiet man, which suited me just fine today. The silence that settled between us gave me a chance to think—not that thinking was doing me any good.
Even with everything on my mind, I made sure to give my client all my attention. Correcting his posture on some of his exercises when needed, making sure that he stuck to his regime we’d come up with and weighing him in.
But even giving my client the attention he deserved couldn’t stop my mind or my traitorous cock from thinking about Elliot. Or from remembering the way he had felt in my arms the night before.
Elliot, who had made the first move. His warm wanting touch and his aroused but slightly dazed expression as he gazed down on my face. Even now there were shuddering aftershocks of an explosion that had gone off in my chest. Just thinking about the feel of him in my arms made my heart hammer. The cold shock when he pulled away and we both met each other’s eyes, realizing what was happening. Elliot ran into his room and slammed the door shut. My attempts to talk to him and the silence that I got in answer.
It all blurred together in my mind like smeared paint. Everything had crashed into the next and I found myself battered by the events, still reeling a good twelve hours afterward.
My next client was Jackie. She was a stunning, petite woman just out of college. She had that enthusiasm of someone still bright-eyed and excited to take on the world. Jackie wasn’t looking for much out of me. Except for someone to talk to and keep her on track as she worked out. Which meant we actually chatted quite a bit while focusing on her exercises.
From the moment that she stepped up to me at the gym, she looked me up and down. When her eyes finally returned to my face, she said, “What’s up, Scott? Something wrong?” Jackie threw her duffle bag to the side, not caring where it landed, her eyes intent on me.
I shook my head, trying to put a smile on my face for her sake. I wasn’t one to bring my personal life to work. I wouldn’t get in trouble since I owned the place, but that didn’t mean I wanted personal drama where I trained.
Jackie was insistent, a scowl appearing on her pretty face and her hands going onto her rounded hips. “Oh, come on. I tell you enough of my garbage; you can trust me!”
“Why do I have a feeling you’re not going to take no for an answer?” I raised a brow at her.
“ ’Cause you’re smart.” She nudged me with her shoulder and gave me an encouraging smile.
“It’s… a guy.” I finally admitted, my voice lowering instinctively. I knew that times had changed, but it was still hard to talk about these things to other people, much less in public. There was a time once where being gay could get me into all sorts of trouble. Some habits were just hard to break even though things were better now. I lived in a very liberal and gay-friendly state.
“Oh.” Her voice dropped to match mine, but with even more curiosity than before as she strolled over to the treadmill and got it started for her warm-up.
She jumped on and I followed, ready to change the setting for the intervals as she looked over at me. “You were saying?”
I snorted. “Focus, please, before you end up on your ass. I’m upping the speed.”
She grunted but did as I told her even though we both knew I was stalling.
When I lowered the speed again, she looked over at me. Her brow was raised as if telling me to speak.
I shook my head and sighed. Jackie had lost fifty pounds by herself. Of course she wasn’t one to give up.
“Well, have you ever wanted something so much, but you knew that it was bad for you?” I asked.
Jackie snort laughed. “Hello, former fat girl here. I know all about not avoiding stuff that’s bad for you.”
I smiled at that but increased Jackie’s speed again. She gave me another one of those knowing looks that said she knew I was stalling but still focused on her warm-up.
When I reduced the speed again, she said, “Just so you know, I work from home. So if you don’t talk now I will pester you after I’m done, till you do. I know you’re free for a couple of hours after me today.”
I grunted and rolled my eyes as I turned off the treadmill. Jackie jumped off and headed in the direction of the rack of weights. Picking up the twenty-pound ones before sitting down on a bench. She patted the bench next to her, starting to do her warm-up curls as I sat down. “So, this guy. Who is he? What’s going on?”
I rubbed my hand over my face and considered it and figured, why not? It wasn’t like she knew Elliot.
“He’s my friend’s son,” I started out with. It was still a nerve-wracking experience to come out to someone, even to Jackie. She was cheerful and loving, and more open with her problems than anyone else I knew. Still, there was this lingering part of my growing-up years that had burned it into my mind that keeping this part of my life a secret was for the best.
Some things were just hard to shake.
“The one that’s living with you, right? Elliot?” Jackie asked, her voice just a bit strained as she worked out. I nodded.
Of course Jackie would remember. We met up every other day and Jackie seemed to recall every single thing I had ever said to her. It was still a surprise every time.
“Yeah. Elliot.” I stopped, feeling something inside of me coming to a freezing halt. If I tell her, she’ll know so much. I’m gay, a younger boy kissed me after getting drunk, that I may even have feelings for him. So much would be exposed, and it would be so easy to twist it up. So easy to see the situation skewed and see me as someone who might hurt Elliot.
“Did he do something wrong?” Jackie’s voice broke me out of my trance. She had switched to the other arm and was watching me curiously. I must have been lost in my thoughts for a moment because her eyes were filled with concern. Worry was clearly etched on her face.
“No, he’s a good kid. Just… Something came up between us,” I finally admitted, trying to find the words that wouldn’t condemn me as some lech. Jackie raised a brow in question, before asking, “An argument?”
“Something like that.” It wasn’t the truth, but it was the closest that I was comfortable with admitting.
“Well, he’s young. I bet he’s just stressed, being in a new place, new job and all.” Jackie nodded as if she knew what she was talking about. “It must be difficult for both of you to sort of settle in with each other. Give him some time and I’m sure that he’ll get better about it.” Jackie watched my face intently. It was a little unsettling, or maybe it was my own paranoia creeping into my head at this point. “Or was it your fault?” she asked.
That was my fear. That something I had done had pushed Elliot into doing this. It would explain his reaction of running away afterward. Maybe I had done something to suggest that this was what I wanted that he had picked up on. I mean, I had been a little more forward lately. Leaving little hints and not retracting them, just to test the waters.
“I’m not sure yet. I hope not.”
“Scott?” Jackie’s hand was on my arm, the weights now put away. She stood in front of me, looking down on my face. “What happened?”
“Nothing.” I plastered a smile on my face. But the look on Jackie’s face said she could tell that I was holding something back. The woman could see right through bullshit.
I sighed and blurted, “He kissed me. Last night when he was drunk.” I decided, fuck it, I was grown man, a business owner. I was tired of pretending a whole part of who I was didn’t exist to some people.
I needed to get it off my chest. Although I could probably call Ray and DJ and go out for a drink. Then again, maybe that was just an excuse not to face Elliot.
Honestly, if I didn’t sort my feelings out by the time I had to go home, I was seriously considering just renti
ng a hotel room for a day or two. We both needed space, didn’t we? Or was that a huge mistake too?
“And did you want him to?” Jackie didn’t even bat an eye at the news.
I was happy my friend didn’t react poorly. But there was a part of me that wondered if it was because she knew or her generation didn’t care. I had been careful not to ever let anyone know unless I directly told them. Those who knew were the closest people in my life and still didn’t see it coming. Nothing about me, they would say, seemed stereotypically gay. As much as I hated to admit it, there was a part of me, especially when I was younger, that had been thankful for that. It had probably saved me a lot of trouble.
“Scott, did you hear me?” Jackie asked.
I looked at her, “Sorry, I was lost in thought there for a moment.”
Jackie smiled and nodded. “Did you mean for that to happen?”
“Yes. No.” The responses followed each other, almost like the two halves of me both jumped to answer. The part of me so obsessed with protecting myself and those around me and the part of me that wanted Elliot more and more with each day that passed. The part of me that was tired of being alone. “I-I didn’t push for it to happen at all, but…” I didn’t need to finish the sentence. Jackie was nodding.
“Well... How old is he again?” I knew Jackie already had the answer to the question, and I had a feeling this was leading to a point. It was more for my sake than anything else.
“He’s twenty-four.”
“He’s young. There’s a pretty good chance that he’s gay, bi, or pan. He likely knows who he is and what he wants. You should stop worrying about the age thing and talk to him like he’s an adult, because he is.” She stopped to wipe some sweat from her forehead. “And if he’s still figuring things out, I’m sure you’ll support him.”
I nodded and let out a relieved sigh. Apparently, I needed someone to tell me it was okay and who better than a newly minted therapist?
“But… Does he know? About you?” she asked.