Everything Left Unsaid

by Jessica Davidson

  Several shots later Gen, Lina and I are standing around the blender, arguing about how to make a Pina Colada when Gen nudges me. I follow her gaze. Tan-nee and Tai. They’re heading our way and I know what Gen is thinking because I’m thinking it too. Now is the perfect time, if there ever is such a thing.

  ‘You ready?’ Gen whispers.

  ‘Maybe. I think I need another drink first.’

  Lina hands me a shot glass of something pink and as I swallow it she calls out, ‘Tanya, help us with the cocktails, yeah?’

  Tanya looks surprised, but Lina is so nice to everyone that when she asks for help you can’t refuse, even if you want to.

  I pour another shot into a sticky glass and say to Tai, ‘Come outside.’

  The noise isn’t quite as deafening in the backyard, but it’s freezing, and if my mind wasn’t on another planet I’d be wishing I had my jumper. We’re both swaying slightly and his eyes are shiny, like they get after a few drinks, and it’s easier if we lean on the wall, side by side.

  ‘You okay, Juliet?’

  ‘Um, yeah. Here – drink this.’ I offer him the glass and he brushes my fingers with his as he takes it.

  ‘God, you’re freezing. Why do you girls always freeze yourselves?’ Without asking, he puts his arm around me and pulls me closer. I rest my head on his shoulder, deciding that not saying something is worse than the alternative. He’s staring off into the distance, watching people coming and going from the house, not saying anything. He finishes the drink, puts the glass on the windowsill.

  ‘Tai?’ He turns to me, but suddenly I’m not brave enough to look him in the eye. He’s watching me, and I wonder what he sees. Do I look different with my black hair and nose stud, or does he just see the same old Juliet he’s always known?

  ‘Juliet?’ His fingers brush past my cheek and stay there, making me look up at him. ‘What is it?’

  I take a deep breath. ‘I like you, Tai. I mean, I really like you. And I know you’ve got a girlfriend, and I probably shouldn’t have said anything because I don’t want things to get weird – it’s okay with me if you just want to pretend I never said anything. But yeah. Just so you know.’

  I close my eyes and put my head back on his shoulder, partly because that last shot is making everything spin, but mostly because I don’t want to see Tai’s face right now. I can feel it though, sliding along mine – and then he’s kissing me and I’m kissing him back. It goes on and on and it’s never felt like this, ever, and I want it to last forever, but then Gen is beside me talking, and when I finally start to listen I realise what she’s saying: Tanya came looking for Tai. And she saw us.

  ‘Shit.’ Tai goes off to find her.

  I wait for him, the cold seeping through my clothes, until it finally dawns on me that he’s not coming back. And I wonder why he chose her instead of me? Why he went looking for her, when I was right there.

  Tai

  I don’t really know why I’m walking around the streets at midnight, looking for Tanya. I guess I feel like an arse, you know? Here’s my secret, though – I don’t want the one I’m with. I don’t want to be with Tanya, not really. I want Juliet. She’s beautiful, even when Gen’s convinced her to dye her hair some random colour or when she’s cranky on Monday mornings at the bus stop. She forgot her blazer one day and I lent her mine, and later I hid it from Mum when she wanted to wash it because it smelt like Juliet, like her shampoo and her perfume. Like something I wanted to bury my head in forever.

  So what was I doing with Tanya? Because Juliet was with Mick, rhymes with you-know-what, because Tanya asked and she’s hot, and because Juliet has this thing about doing the opposite of what people expect her to do. Everyone either thinks we’ll end up a couple, or that we already are, but instead I have a one-way ticket to the friend zone. At least that’s what I thought, even after she broke up with Mick and my mates said she’d be on the rebound and then laughed. And I’d rather have her as a friend than nothing at all, and I thought that’s what we’d always be – until an hour ago.

  When she leant into me against that wall tonight, I wasn’t shivering from the cold. It was because of her. Because I wanted to kiss her so badly, which is what I wish I was doing right now. But instead I’m trudging around the streets looking for Tanya, because I feel bad and I want to explain. Explain what, exactly? That I just like Juliet better than her? Oh yeah, that’ll work. Maybe I can throw in how I think Juliet’s prettier than her, too, just for kicks.

  I give up after a while; it’s cold and I’m tired and Tanya has probably gone home anyway. I walk back to the party, back to my mates, and warmth – and Juliet. But the first person I see is Sam. He’s holding my phone.

  ‘Where did you disappear to?’ he asks. ‘I tried calling you and heard this ringing on the table.’ Sam tosses me my mobile.

  ‘I’ve been looking for Tanya,’ I mutter. ‘She saw me kissing Juliet and took off. I wanted to check she was okay.’

  ‘Two chicks in one night? Way to go! So are you and Juliet together now?’

  ‘Dunno, I didn’t get the chance to talk to her.’ I scan the crowd – it’s much smaller now. ‘Have you seen her?’

  ‘She left a while ago,’ Sam tells me. ‘Your phone was beeping though. Maybe she’s sent you a message?’

  I look at my phone, getting excited when I see there are two new texts. But they’re both from Tanya, telling me I’m a fucking arsehole. I reply with a single word: Sorry. I’ve always said it’s a waste of phone credit to reply with just one word, but now, that’s all I’ve got.

  I look up at Sam. ‘Hey, where are you crashing tonight?’

  ‘Here, I reckon. Too late to try and get home now, yeah?’ Sam’s right, and the lounge is taken, so I find a spot on the floor and fall asleep, using someone’s jacket as a pillow.

  • • •

  When I get home the next morning, I make my way to the kitchen, grab a bowl and pour a heap of Coco Pops. It’s warm in here and smells of coffee and burnt toast. Dad’s left the milk out on the bench again, next to his coffee maker. I run a finger along the side of the carton, just to check it’s still cold, before pouring it and finally sitting down to eat. While I’m busy shovelling them into my mouth, Mum comes in.

  ‘Afternoon, Tai.’ She makes herself a coffee and sits down at the table across from me. ‘Did you have a good time last night?’

  ‘Um. Yeah. Kind of.’

  ‘Kind of? What does “kind of” mean?’

  ‘I don’t know – it was okay, I guess.’

  ‘Tai?’ She’s giving me that Mum look, which is code for I’m Not Going Anywhere Until You Tell Me Everything. Sucker.

  ‘It was pretty good,’ I offer, then hastily cram some more cereal into my mouth. Can’t talk, Mum, I’m eating.

  ‘But . . .?’ She waits, staring at me.

  ‘Is this a comfortable silence for you?’ I ask.

  ‘Answer the question, kiddo.’

  ‘We kissed. Juliet and me. But she hasn’t sent me a text or anything since, and Tanya saw us, and now I feel bad.’

  ‘You do know how to make life difficult for yourself, don’t you, Tai?’

  ‘Thanks, Mum. That’s really helpful.’

  My brothers start screaming from the lounge room, and then there’s a crash. Mum heaves an exasperated sigh and stands up. ‘It’ll work out, Tai. You’ll see.’

  I leave the bowl in the sink and head up to my room, flipping my phone around in my hands. I start writing a text to Juliet.

  Hey. Last night was really good.

  I couldn’t sound like more of a loser if I tried.

  Hey Juliet. Hope you had a good time last night. Before I walked away from kissing you and went after Tanya.

  Hey girl. Liked kissing you last night. Hope you plan on doing it again sometime. Or not.

  I throw my phone across the room, onto my bed. Should be studying anyway, I guess – year twelve and all that. I’ve got good enough intentions to turn on my computer, whic
h is a start, but I end up stuffing around on it for a while, looking at the photos on Facebook from last night. There’s one of me and Sam, a couple of other guys too, sitting around playing a drinking game and pulling stupid faces at the camera. Another one of Juliet and her girlfriends, holding up their drinks and pulling that weird pouty-lip face that girls do. Photos of the cocktails people were making, and photos of the people that got drawn on with texta when they passed out. There’s one in there, too, of me and Juliet leaning against the wall. We’re not kissing – yet – but she’s leaning into me, my arm is around her, and we’re smiling. I realise there’s no way I’m going to get any study done now; I’m still tired from last night, didn’t sleep well on the floor. I’ve got a headache, too – drank too much. So I grab a couple of Panadol, give up on the study, and go to bed.

  When I get up it’s late in the afternoon and my little brothers are doing something noisy with a ball on the driveway. I can hear lots of shrieking. And Juliet hasn’t sent me a text yet. She’s probably pissed that I left her at the party and went after Tanya – and why wouldn’t she be? It was kind of stupid of me just to take off like that. She probably thinks I don’t like her back, or something. I know I should text her, but I don’t know what to say without sounding creepy, or like an idiot. Or like a creepy idiot. She might be right – we’ve gone and fucked things up monumentally by kissing our way out of the friend zone; it’s not supposed to be this hard to talk to her. This is Juliet. Okay, Tai. You can do this. I pick up my phone.

  Hey girl. Sorry I ran off last night. Had a really good time with you. I press the send button before I can delete it, and then pretend I’m super-busy doing something while looking at my phone every five seconds, willing it to beep. Five minutes later, it does.

  That’s ok. I had a good time too.

  Juliet

  The rest of the weekend is consumed by assignments, and it’s a relief in a way, because it means there’s no time left to analyse the hell out of what went on with me and Tai, or feel guilty about Tanya. But Monday morning is inescapable, and even though I contemplate throwing a sickie I end up standing at the bus stop with Tai. We’re both listening to our iPods, and although we pass a can of Red Bull back and forth there’s no actual conversation. We’re both doing that this-song’s-too-good-to-stop-listening thing, right alongside the I’m-too-hungover-still-to-take-off-my-sunnies-and-look-you-in-the-eye thing. It’s awkward, but it works, and it’s only when we’re sitting side by side on the bus that Tai reaches over, takes one of my headphones out of my ear, and puts one of his in instead.

  ‘Listen to that. Good, huh?’

  I nod, and then our eyes catch, and I’m saying, ‘I hope I didn’t screw things up too badly for you. You know. With Tanya.’

  He shrugs half-heartedly. You did, but I’m too nice to say it. ‘Should’ve known we wouldn’t last long. Her love of plastic-fantastic music, for a start. Dead giveaway.’

  It takes a second for the message to kick in.

  ‘You broke up. Shit.’ There’s more to say but we’re at school, and we both know it’s not going to happen now. Tai disappears into a group of his football mates, and I’m feeling deserted when Gen comes up.

  I know she wants to ask about me and Tai, but she won’t – that’s not her style. It’s definitely Lina and Rae’s style though, and they look at me expectantly when we get to class. They’re waiting outside homeroom hastily removing excess jewellery before the uniform inspection that’s just been announced.

  ‘So? How’d it go?’ Lina blurts out, before she’s even said hello.

  ‘I’d rather scoop out my own eyeballs with a rusty spoon than do that bus trip again.’

  ‘It can’t have been that bad,’ Rae says encouragingly, before adding a hesitant ‘Can it?’

  ‘He and Tanya have broken up,’ I mumble.

  ‘Um, hello, Juliet, that’s good news? So are you two going out now?’

  ‘He didn’t ask me.’ I duck my head, embarrassed.

  ‘Why?’ Lina looks as confused as I feel.

  ‘I don’t know. Maybe he just doesn’t like me that way. Think about it. I break up with Mick, and he doesn’t ask me to be his girlfriend. I kiss him, and he runs after Tanya. Then they break up, and he still doesn’t ask me out.’

  I’m so ready for this day to be over, and it doesn’t get any better until last period when Tai slides a note towards me that says My place after school? Beach walk tonight? I nod.

  Beach walks are practically an institution for us. When it’s just the two of us on the beach surrounded by darkness, we can talk about anything. Everything. Whatever we’ve got to say will be made easier by the wind and the waves, and I’m hopeful again. Even if we go on pretending like I never said anything at the party, I’ll get my best friend back tonight.

  After school I go home and change out of my uniform. Mum is still at work, so I leave a note on the fridge telling her where I’ve gone, pinning it underneath a magnet shaped like an orange.

  Tai’s place is closer to the beach than mine, which is why we always meet there first. As I’m walking up his driveway his little brothers see me and run over, then insist on dragging me away to show me their latest obsession: training grasshoppers to do circus tricks. Or they would if they could catch enough grasshoppers. River tells me they’re very naughty grasspoppers for refusing to be caught, and Hendrix, who is two years older than River, goes back to fiddling with string and sticks, trying to make some sort of net. His jeans are torn at the knees and he’s used a pen to draw eyes and hair above the ripped parts so they look like little monster faces.

  When I step inside Tai’s mum sees me and abruptly stops knitting, mid-click. She grins. ‘How’s my future daughter-in-law?’ It’s a long-running joke that Mia finds hilarious.

  ‘What are you knitting now?’

  ‘Oh, I’m just working on Fred’s arm.’

  ‘Fred?’

  ‘For a customer on eBay.’ She grins, pleased with herself. Her passion is knitting lifesize toy people, which she then sells on eBay to lonely people who want someone to cuddle up to at night.

  ‘I see.’ Not really, crazy lady. ‘So did you name him Fred, or did the customer ask for a knitted guy called Fred who looked a certain way, or what?’

  ‘No, I name them. Unless, of course . . .’

  ‘Special orders?’

  ‘Exactly.’

  ‘That’s too weird.’

  I leave Mia with Fred and head off to Tai’s room. I know this house as well as my own; they’ve lived here ever since I’ve known them. Tai and I became friends at kindy, and have practically lived in each other’s houses since. Mum went crazy redecorating our house after Dad left, getting it all repainted white, changing the curtains, the photos on the walls, everything. Here, things have stayed the same for as long as I can remember – the pale blue walls, the old glass jars Mia insists on using for vases, our names pencilled into the doorframe of their linen cupboard, marking our heights every year. Even the huge old fig tree in their backyard. The familiarity is normally comforting – but not today.

  I stand in Tai’s doorway, my throat dry, not knowing if things will still be weird between us. It’s like I can’t remember what Just Friends felt like. He’s sitting on the bed and I don’t know whether to sit next to him or not, worried I’ll sit too close or not close enough and he’ll take it as some kind of sign either way. In the end I sit on the floor, against his bed, glad he can’t see my face.

  ‘Comfortable down there?’

  ‘I guess.’ Except I can’t look at you. And I can’t quite remember how to talk to you without it being strange.

  Suddenly, his fingers are brushing my hair back, tucking it behind my ear, and he’s there beside me, his eyes staring right into mine. ‘What’s wrong?’

  ‘Um . . . everything?’ Like, I kissed you and you seem to want to pretend it never happened?

  ‘Hey, do you want to have a handstand competition on the driveway?’ Hendrix and Rive
r are grinning at us from the doorway, and I kind of don’t really want to but it’s got to be better than this level of awkward, so I say, ‘Sure.’

  We’re still out there when Mia calls us for dinner.

  When we’re all sitting at the table, Mia asks me, ‘So, Juliet, how much did your mum hate that piercing?’ She waves her fork in the direction of my nose, just in case I wasn’t sure which one she was talking about.

  ‘Um, on a scale of one to ten, about a thousand.’

  ‘It looks kind of sore,’ Mia says gently. ‘Do you think it might be infected?’

  That would explain why it still hurts. I touch the nose stud hesitantly. ‘I don’t know. I think it’s just healing.’

  After dinner Mia tells the boys they’re on washing-up duty, leaving Tai’s dad Stanley to supervise, then makes me sit on the edge of the bath while she attacks my nose stud with cotton balls and salty water.

  ‘This is what I always used,’ she tells me, ‘and I never had an infection.’

  ‘On your . . . piercings?’ No. Way.

  Mia grins at my look of disbelief.

  ‘I wasn’t always this ancient, Juliet. So you and Tai . . .’ she says, doing a super job of pretending to concentrate on my nose stud. ‘Is everything okay? You don’t seem like yourselves tonight.’ There’s silence for a second and then she adds, a little too quickly, ‘I’m not trying to pry or anything.’ She pushes a stray curl out of her eyes and peers at me.

  I’m trying to work out what to say when Tai appears in the doorway. ‘You ready?’

  The front door closes behind us with a thud. We walk faster than usual tonight.

  When we’re sitting on the sand, I look at Tai, who’s pretending to watch the waves, and decide I can’t stand this anymore. ‘I need you as my friend, Tai. I don’t care if you want to pretend the party never happened, but we need to be friends still, okay?’

  Tai looks at me. ‘Juliet, did you mean what you said on Friday night? Or was it just one of those things that happens after too many shots?’