Highgate Mums

by Dan Hall

  ‘It impresses nobody knowing Stradavarius and Cohiba Esplendido cost a bomb.’

  And, hell, the men are even tough on each other:

  (to circa five-year-old) ‘You need to cut your hair, little man. You look like a revolutionary!’

  Just now overheard in Tesco: ‘There’s a weakness in a man who takes the sweetness of a fortified wine.’

  ‘I reckon you can count on one hand the number of times he can lift his own body weight.’

  ‘He’s incredibly camp and knows less than zero about Galliano.’

  And with such hulking bodies to carry about, it’s little wonder that there’s not necessarily a lot of brain space left for practicalities. Sometimes it seems as if life would be so much easier if the latte dad were to stay locked in his man cave:

  Four-year-old, from lounge ‘Help!!! I’m stuck in Daddy’s yoga mat.’ (@rebeccajohns)

  Latte Dad squirming a bit in his seat, friend asks what’s wrong. Answer, ‘I don’t know. I think these might be my wife’s running shorts.’

  ‘I admire single mums, I really do. But if I’m honest how much help do my husband and au pair really provide? Answer? Not much!’

  But the love of a latte dad is without question, albeit delivered in a way that feels as if the HM is the puppeteer…

  Father to four(ish)-year-old son on Tube train, ‘Calm down, use your yoga breathing.’ (@intl_jane)

  ‘Hurry up, let’s do the Roman stretches before your tennis.’

  But despite his swearing, the foul-smelling gym kit and a mud-smeared (often quite sexy) dad-bod, these hairy residents of N6 can have a taste just as refined as kids and HM:

  ‘You’ve got to have the sweetened one, dude. The unsweetened stuff tastes like cum smells.’ (discussion about soya milk)

  ‘You’ve got to be kind to your hands if you’re going to be lifting weights.’

  ‘This shower curtain is so naff, I’ve never seen the likes, that’s the last time I stray from John Lewis.’ (@AbigailHazrati)

  Can’t believe I just had to ring husband from middle of Waitrose and ask if he minds if pork chops are not organic. (@katewatsonsmyth)

  Considering most of this book has been written under caffeine, I absolutely loved this blinder from what I think was a med student from the nearby Whittington Hospital:

  ‘No footie for me this week, dude. I got to hit the cafes if I’m going to prepare for this exam.’

  The greatest gift of the latte dad is that he proves the HM has absolutely nothing to do with gender. The horrors of middle-class fear are just as much his provision as of the HM. A good latte dad overhear is relatively rare because there simply aren’t that many dads in the cafes of N6 and N19. It would be fantastic to collect far more of these. The HM rarely feel any threat to their femininity and so the latte dad trying to weave his masculinity into the mix is fascinatingly unique. The poor chap curses and Tough Mudders to feed the defiant teen within, but can only blanche as he looks up and faces the crushing realities of adulthood.

  ARMY OF EARS

  My HM moment was my then four-year-old’s: ‘Mummy your teeth are the colour of Camembert.’ Cringed and bought extra whitening toothpaste. (@liathughesjoshi)

  There is no doubt that the best HM material comes not from my overhears in N6, but the rest of you scattered throughout the world. Your wonderful sense of humour and self-mockery has revealed a seam of absolute gems.

  So, this final chapter is dedicated to those who follow the account on social media. The exhausted HM who find the time and energy to log into Twitter, Facebook or email me gets a big round of applause. For this eye-rolling introspection is what HM is turning into. And will be all the better for it!

  I’ve stored a number as ‘acupuncture’ in my phone. Not sure if it’s for mine or the cat? Coming over all HM. (@EmilyFlump)

  Feeling a bit HM all the way from Scotland having to feed the ducks wholemeal pitta bread from M&S. (@kellydowmcghee)

  Tragic story heard in the west end of Glasgow; the dog is allergic to incense. (@loomagooo)

  Missy won’t eat non-organic meat. She loves corn fed chicken. Never mind HM, we need @highgatecats. (@tomslominski)

  The overhears about discipline are the ones that I’m often accused of making up. So it’s good to know that other people hear things that are beyond what I could ever have imagined:

  I overheard a mother say, ‘If you don’t start behaving there’ll be no trip to the library.’ Stern words indeed. (@mcbiiig)

  On train in Scotland. ‘No darling, no juice. It’s a Pavlovian response with you, isn’t it.’ (@Amprsndcstls)

  At soft play, overheard a child tell his mum, ‘He was mean so I ’it him.’ ‘Hit.’ Enunciated Mum (@Cyberturnip)

  I just admonished the dog with the immortal line, ‘Audrey, do not embarrass me. In Hampstead, of all places.’ (@Sarahthoms14)

  Just heard a mum tell a toddler he was ‘clearly overstimulated and needed to focus on the task at hand’. (@postscriptwords)

  We’ve already covered education, but these couple of gems deserve their own space:

  Today, I had a grown-up rant on Facebook over the ridiculous reward system at eight-year-old / five-year-old’s school. WHAT HAVE I BECOME? (@Twitflup)

  In daughter’s primary school, they are put in groups Papaya, Mango, Avocado whatever happened to Red, Blue, Green. (@DianaBo)

  Contrary to expectations, lifestyle seems not to be something that is actively sought. It’s just there. A bit like a good waiter:

  Slight HM dilemma about whether to use the ‘good’ olive oil on the baby’s dry skin. (@Dr_RaulDuke)

  At the kids playground at Kew Gardens. It’s basically Highgate Mums: The Movie. (@EmilyofTours)

  Five-year-old overheard, ‘We’ve got so many flowers mummy has had to put some of them in a carafe.’ (@HelenStead2)

  (in Richmond) ‘Well, we went to Center Parcs but that isn’t really a holiday is it?’ (@LawrenceJunior)

  My own daughter — oh, the shame... ‘Mum, you know the marshmallow challenge? We should do the biscotti challenge!’(@anenglishmum)

  Swimming with my three-year-old yesterday near the pool pump: ‘Mummy it feels just like the hot tub.’ (@StaceyTatham)

  Yesterday in my singing class a ten-year-old said, ‘I wish I was at the Spa.’ (@nhagc)

  Feeling very HM this morning, the children are playing croquet. Indoors. (@Ruth_E_Chapman)

  And there’s plenty of cases where proper posh has dazzled you:

  The ‘homework’ in the Primrose Hill pregnancy yoga class: Buy yourself something in cashmere this week.’ (@lrohde)

  Overheard today, ‘They live in *Clapham*, it may as well be Belgium.’ (@50shadesoftrace)

  A kid at my kid’s school is giving up croissants for lent. (@bronwynnortje)

  And talking of food...

  I just got caught dipping my finger in the watercress pesto. (@TrippyPip)

  Middle-class quote of the day: ‘Watercress is out of season? Wankers.’ (@RufusHound)

  Overheard at a hip noodle bar in WC1, ‘Oh no! I forgot to bring Sarah-May’s little chopsticks.’ (@evvvvil)

  A friend just told me that her seven-year-old daughter recently went to a birthday party catered only with sushi. (@mitfordian)

  Outside Selfridges, ‘Excuse me, your little boy is about to drop his orange.’ Frosty reply, ‘It’s a clementine.’ (@Sparklyboy1)

  I just typed the phrase ‘and can you believe they have no Iranian saffron?’ In reference to my local Morrisons. Help me… (@amanandapencil)

  The teens in your house seem to cause rather a lot of amusement too. As a childless spinster I assumed it was only the tots who could be HM, as the teens would reject poshness for rebellion. How wrong I was:

  ‘I’m ashamed to say the daughter was worthy of HM prior to uni, ‘How will I manage without longhorn mince?’ (@oedipusscat)

  Overheard at Oxford Uni: ‘What did you do this summer?’ ‘Oh not much, I only went to Peru.’ (@L
izCBraithwaite)

  Someone has written their name in the cement on Highgate’s Southwood Lane. Of course it’s Highgate so it says ‘Lucia’.

  And the Arts continue to play an important role:

  ‘She has to watch I’m a Celebrity to be able to talk to the other girls the next day. We wouldn’t have it on otherwise.’ (@larkrise2candle)

  My six-year-old niece has just told me she enjoys the paintings of Georges Seurat. (@ReetuKabra)

  ‘Nathan, please go around the house and gather up ALL the music stands. Not the wooden one, OBVIOUSLY.’ (@annemariewyley)

  And there’s some lovely stuff that doesn’t really fit under any category:

  Very posh rugby mum in Cardiff last night: ‘Bethany, they must be football fans, they don’t know how to behave at a rugby match.’ (@jimboFB)

  At Highgate tube station today someone had written ‘misplaced apostrophe’ beside a notice with a misplaced apostrophe. (@meadowgroove)

  Here in Hereford, I saw ‘Sebastian has a small penis’ in tiny teen calligraphy at the playground. (@JudSawyer)

  Our final block has to be dedicated to the kids, the very reason the HM exist at all. Marvel. They shall inherit the Earth. And the Aga.

  Just had a HM moment at a kid’s party quiz: ‘What type of cake do you eat at Xmas?’ My kid’s answer: panettone. (@rebecca_hardy)

  My eight-year-old daughter told me that she couldn’t sleep because, ‘I can’t find my inner peace.’ I give up. (@Gasprey)

  Eight-year-old on passing allotments, ‘Look daddy, it’s a favela!’ (he lives in Crouch End). (@williamtfox)

  Six-year-old wrote a general knowledge quiz. It included a question on Pointillism. (@wotclaire)

  Three-year-old daughter pointed to a picture of a mouse in a book and said, ‘Look mummy — vermin.’ (@katecusack)

  Six-year-old getting onto a bus in Crouch End: ‘Ooh la la, isn’t this nice!’

  My four-year-old niece to my four-year-old daughter, ‘So, how are things going at school?’ (@rulitos14)

  Three-year-old bends backwards and exclaims, ‘I’m doing the Sun Salutation pose!’ I fear we’ve gone a bit HM. (@becb1984)

  And how to end a patchwork book like this? There always was ever only one choice. Overheard by me at Côte Brasserie on Highgate High Street about two years after the account had been created. This was when I first realised that the account was becoming more than just a bunch of friends following my tweets. Even better it showed me that the HM were a bunch of sassy people with the wit and intelligence to laugh at themselves.

  So drumroll, and big applause to this HM. If you know who you are, drop me a line. You deserve a bottle of bubbles!

  ‘I’ll end up on Highgate Mums one day.’

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Dan Hall has been running the @Highgatemums Twitter account since 2012. He lives in London.

  First published in hardback in Great Britain in 2016 by Atlantic Books, an imprint of Atlantic Books Ltd.

  Copyright © Dan Hall, 2016

  The moral right of Dan Hall to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act of 1988.

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.

  A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

  Hardback: 978-1-78649-076-6

  E-book: 978-1-78649-077-3

  Highgate Mums is a registered trade mark of Dan Hall.

  Every effort has been made to credit authors of tweets. Please contact the publishers with any corrections.

  Designed and typeset by Dan Mogford

  Illustrations by Dan Mogford and Freepik

  Printed in Great Britain

  Atlantic Books

  An Imprint of Atlantic Books Ltd

  Ormond House

  26–27 Boswell Street

  London

  www.atlantic-books.co.uk