To Have and to Harm

by Debra Doxer

  After toweling off, I dress quickly, eager to check on her as I decide not to bother shaving. Then I head out into the living room to find Apollo waving a doughnut under her nose. “I didn’t know you liked doughnuts,” I say.

  She wrinkles her nose. “I used to like them. Until they started showing up every morning.”

  “Come on. Eat it,” I encourage her, hoping I’ll have better luck than him.

  She shoots me an annoyed look. But after an exaggerated sigh, she grabs the doughnut and takes a bite.

  “Hallelujah,” Apollo cries melodramatically, standing and jingling his keys in his hands. “I guess you are good for something,” he tells me.

  She frowns at his comment before taking another bite and reaching for her bag just as there’s a knock at the door.

  Shane strolls out of his bedroom bare-chested with a towel around his neck. “I got it.”

  We’re ready to head out as Charlie strolls in with a tall, clean-cut guy by her side.

  When Charlie catches my eyes and smirks at me, I tense, glancing over at Raielle. She’s shooting daggers in Charlie’s direction. But Charlie strolls in nonchalantly and plops herself down onto the sofa. Her friend is still by the door, and my jaw starts to clench at the blatantly appreciative look he’s giving Raielle.

  “That’s your sister?” he asks Shane as he continues to check her out. But she doesn’t notice. She’s heading straight for Charlie.

  Raielle stops in front of her, but Charlie hardly glances up. She knows Raielle is standing there, and she gets a satisfied look on her face.

  “I hear you like playing with sharp objects,” Raielle says to her, her eyes narrowed. There’s no reaction. “Touch him again and you’ll regret it.” Her voice is low and more threatening than I thought possible. I’m beyond shocked. Raielle is the least violent person I know. But she’s harassing this girl for me, and I realize that I kind of like it.

  Charlie clucks her tongue and lifts her eyes to Raielle’s. “I don’t like threats. Threats make me want to threaten back. I could probably hurt you right now with just a few words.”

  “Shut it,” Apollo warns her, taking Raielle’s arm and nudging her toward the door.

  “Just three little words,” she says in a singsong tone.

  “Don’t, Charlene.” Her friend moves toward her now, looking worried.

  I’m wondering what she’s talking about and why everyone seems to know except us.

  She stands up slowly, right in front of Raielle, who doesn’t move, and leans in close to her. “Leo is dead.”

  I just stare at her, confused. Then it hits me. Leo. The kid from yesterday. I look at Apollo, and his tight expression confirms it. Raielle blanches and whispers, “What?” She seeks out Apollo, but he says nothing. He’s glaring at Charlie now, who’s puffing out her bottom lip in mock sadness over the news.

  “When?” Raielle asks Apollo.

  I move beside her and place my hand on her back so she knows I’m here.

  “I don’t know the details,” he says carefully.

  “He killed himself last night. Didn’t botch it this time, though,” Charlie calls over her shoulder as she saunters into the kitchen.

  “But Nyla called Social Services,” Raielle says, looking to Apollo for confirmation. “Didn’t she call them?”

  He hesitates. “I’m sure she did.”

  “Here we go again,” Shane exclaims with his arms in the air. “She’s going to curl into a fetal position and bawl her eyes out for the next month because she’s a fucking head case. She belongs in a psych ward.”

  When I feel her stiffen beside me, all the blood rushes to my head, and before I realize it, I’m across the room getting right in Shane’s face. “You’re a real piece of shit standing back here, calling her names.”

  At first he’s shocked. Then his eyes narrow. “You planning on doing something about it?”

  My muscles relax as I slowly smile. I was looking for a way to let off some steam this morning, and I can tell he’s about to give it to me. “Open your mouth again and find out.”

  Behind him, Charlie oohs tauntingly. “Look at you two,” she remarks. “She’s suddenly grown a pair, and you’re over here waving yours around. I’m impressed. Gonna whip yours out, too, Shane?”

  He smirks at her. He’s probably dumb enough to let her egg him on. When he looks back at me, his mouth opens wide. Then he shuts it again and starts chuckling to himself.

  Disappointed, I shake my head and turn away. Maybe he’s not as stupid as he looks, or more likely he’s just a pussy.

  “She’s still a crazy cunt, though,” Shane mutters.

  When my fist collides with his face, he grunts and goes down in a heap. I follow him, landing the next blow to his nose. Suddenly, hands are on me, trying to pull me off. Someone manages to lock my arm behind my back, and I lose my momentum long enough for Shane to get to his feet and ram his fist into my gut. He hits hard for a skinny douche bag. But I hit harder. Blood gushes from his nose as he pulls his arm back, getting ready to clock me in the face. Just as I get free, Shane’s eyes go wide and he’s thrown to the side, knocking over an end table, hitting the floor hard as the glass top shatters over him.

  The room quiets. I straighten and notice everyone’s stunned expressions directed at Raielle.

  “What the fuck was that?” Charlie whispers, breaking the silence.

  Appearing just as shocked as everyone else, Apollo shoots me a strained look as he grabs Raielle’s arm. “Let’s go,” he says tightly. I scowl because I’m pretty sure he was the one holding me so Shane could take a shot.

  My side is already sore as I follow them toward the door. I have a feeling I know exactly what happened, and I can hardly believe she managed to do that to him.

  Charlie levels a finger at her as we walk past. “Did you all see that? She touched him and he went flying across the room. What the hell is she besides a freak?”

  Apollo has her out the door now, but not before she hears, and I want nothing more than to turn around and finish what I started. But I stay with Raielle. She’s important. They’re not.

  “How long have you been able to do that, exactly?” Apollo asks her once the elevator doors close behind us. I’m surprised to see that he still looks shaken.

  She doesn’t answer. She’s standing stoically, no sign of emotion, staring at her reflection in the metal doors.

  I tilt my head down close to her. “Ray?”

  “Don’t worry,” she says calmly, her eyes not moving from the doors. “I’m not going to fall apart.” I feel her hand on mine, and out of nowhere a hot pulse runs through me. The pain in my side where Shane landed his only punch disappears. Before I can say anything, the elevator doors slide open and she steps out, walking purposefully through the lobby toward the exit.

  “This is bad,” Apollo says as we follow behind her.

  He’s right. I was ready for her to break down. But now I realize that the complete absence of a reaction is much more alarming.

  IT’S FRIDAY, and unlike most students who keep their schedules light today, I have three lecture halls in a row. School is still my refuge. Sitting with a pen in my hand and my notebook open in front of me is familiar. Burying my emotions as I absorb the lecture is like a habit, a good one I don’t want to break.

  Lucas checks in with me throughout the day. This is the first time we’ve been apart since he arrived, and I miss him, but I’m also relieved not to have him hovering over me. It wasn’t easy convincing him to go to his own classes instead of babysitting me. He agreed eventually, but the acting it took to convince him I was fine exhausted me. Now my classes are over, and I’m sitting at a table outside, waiting for Lucas to finish his day. Then I don’t know where we’ll go. The condo is not an option right now. If I never see Shane or Charlie again, that would be fine with me.

  My phone rings and I startle, still not used to having it. It’s Lucas, of course. He tells me that he has a late-afternoon group meeting fo
r his current events class and asks me to meet him at the library afterward. I can hear the concern in his voice, and I keep my own light so he won’t worry and offer to skip it, which I can tell is on the tip of his tongue. I worry him far too much. Right now, that feels like all I do.

  When Charlie so coldly told us about Leo’s death, I could feel myself slipping under. It was Lucas’s determination to fight my demons for me and the way he went after Shane that helped me to keep them back myself. I can’t keep doing this to him. He deserves a stronger person by his side. I’ve already put him through enough. Keeping my focus now is important because I can’t throw away this second chance with him. There’s too much I want to do with it.

  But first, I have to get control of the power inside me, although I still have no idea how. Sheer force of will doesn’t work. I know the energy is tied to my emotions, but controlling those has proven nearly impossible lately. I used to be able to turn it all off. When I was shuttled between foster homes and let down by my mother time after time, I revealed none of the pain and disappointment I felt. But I can’t seem to do that anymore. Now a sea of emotion is always churning inside me, far too close to the surface.

  When Shane was going to hurt Lucas, I could feel the power surging. I touched Shane’s shoulder and let it flow into him, watching as it propelled him off Lucas. In that moment, I felt strong and in control, but I doubt I could reproduce that without another big dose of emotional turmoil, or maybe an earth-shattering orgasm. I can feel my face grow hot at just the thought of that.

  “What are you thinking about and how can I get in on it?”

  I look up to find Nikki staring at me.

  “You’re all flushed and smiley. Never mind. I think I already know.” She sits down across from me. “I met him yesterday. The secret hot boyfriend. Hey, you finally got a phone.” She points to it on the table. Then she picks it up. “I’m putting my number in it for you.”

  “He wasn’t a secret.” I rub my cheeks, trying uselessly to erase the telltale blush.

  “Uh-huh. Whatever. Your business.” She seems insulted as she puts my phone back down.

  I sigh. “It’s a long story. I wasn’t purposely keeping him from you. I honestly haven’t seen him since I’ve been here. Not until yesterday.”

  “Based on what I overheard, that was your fault, not his.”

  I start gathering my things. “Like I said. Long—”

  “—story,” she finishes for me, watching as I get ready to leave. “So, I know I ask you this every Friday and you turn me down flat, but I’m asking again anyway. Want to go to Crossroads? Jason is working, and you know what that means.”

  “Free drinks,” I reply with a grin, because we have this conversation on a weekly basis. Since I don’t drink, and I know Shane tends to hang out there, I always turn her down. But when I glance at my watch and see that I have over an hour before I need to be at the library, I consider it. Nikki seems annoyed with me, and I hate the way she’s expecting me to say no. So, I surprise us both when I say, “Okay.”

  Her eyes bug out. “Seriously?”

  Her enthusiasm has me wavering. “Um, yeah?”

  She hears my hesitation and links her arm in mine. “Well, let’s go then. I’m not giving you a chance to change your mind.”

  Crossroads is the neighborhood dive bar. It’s a hangout for both college students and locals who are mostly former students. I’ve walked past it and caught the pungent odor of beer and sweat drifting out, but this is my first time entering its dark interior. Glancing around, I notice how crowded it already is. I’m guessing this is typical for happy hour on a Friday afternoon.

  “Hey!” Jason yells to us from behind the bar.

  Squeezing through the crowd, I notice the melodramatic mask of shock he’s wearing when he spots me. “Raielle. What brings you to this fine establishment today?” he asks as we press up against the scuffed, curved edge of the bar. “Or maybe I’m hallucinating?”

  I try to hide my involuntary smile. “If you want me to never come back here again, keep it up.”

  Jason shakes his head at me like a scolding schoolteacher. “Shutting up now because you, my girl, need a drink more than anyone I’ve ever met.” Then he turns to Nikki. “Tequila shots?”

  She nods once and turns serious eyes on me. “You’re doing a shot. No argument.”

  But I don’t intend to argue as I turn to look around the room. When I spot a pair of nearly black eyes aimed at me, my chest tightens. I grip the edge of the bar as Shane cuts a path through the crowd. Of course there’s no sign of the fight on his face, which is now perfectly healed. I wonder who did that for him, since I doubt he could manage it himself.

  Once he’s in front of me, he says, “No drinking, little sister. You’re underage.”

  “And you’re an ass,” I reply.

  He smiles. “Yes, I am. Nice to meet you. With introductions out of the way, I’ve got something to say to you.” His finger pokes me in the chest.

  I wince. “I have nothing to say to you except don’t touch me again.”

  A hand lands on his shoulder, and I notice that the guy Charlie was with this morning is standing behind him. “Lay off her, okay?” he says. Then he moves beside Shane and extends his hand toward me.

  “I don’t think we’ve formally met. I’m Grant.”

  At first glance, Grant looks like the typical laid-back California guy, built but still lean with spiky brown hair lightened by the sun, and coffee-colored eyes. Even though he’s grinning at me, I sense that he has an edge to him, like the friendly demeanor he’s showing isn’t actually his natural state. I notice he has some small scars on his face, one on his forehead and two white slashes along his cheek. He’s taller than most of the guys here, standing a head above the crowd, and his brown eyes are assessing, staring at me hard enough to make me uncomfortable.

  Not wanting to seem rude, I finally place my hand in his. He grips it firmly and holds on. “Nice to finally meet you,” he says softly, leaning in like he’s conveying something more intimate than a casual greeting. I wonder if this approach usually works for him, because it’s mostly just creeping me out.

  I reclaim my hand when Shane bumps me lightly with his elbow, capturing my attention. “Tell me how you did that today.”

  “Did what?” Nikki asks, her eyes widening as they land on Grant. She’s already had the misfortune of meeting Shane when she came by the condo once.

  I shoot him a silent warning to keep his mouth shut, but his bloodshot eyes tell me he’s already lost whatever inhibitions he may possess, and he doesn’t seem inclined to drop it.

  “Tell me,” he whispers, leaning his face close to mine. I want to back away from both him and Grant, but the crowd around us is too dense.

  When I notice Nikki turning to get the drinks, I shoot him an answer I know he won’t like. “I don’t know.”

  He scowls. “You’re going to be trouble. I knew it the first minute I saw you. Just like your mother.” The stench of his breath makes me cringe, but before I can push him away, Grant does it for me.

  “You’re drunk, and you need to shut the fuck up,” Grant warns.

  I really couldn’t care less what Shane thinks about me, but I can’t help wondering why he would bring her up. “What about my mother?” I ask him.

  He shakes Grant off. “Your mother is the reason mine is dead. She kept him away from us. If we’d all been together that day, nothing would have happened to my family.”

  Or you’d all be dead, I think. “I’m sorry about your family, Shane.”

  “Yeah, sure. You know he’s just using you, right? He doesn’t care about you or else he would have tried to see you at some point in the last eighteen years.”

  His comment does what he intends. It hurts. It irritates the fissure inside me that existed long before he came along. But I can’t argue with Shane, because I don’t know that he isn’t right. I don’t understand what he means when he says my father is using me, though. I
f anything, it’s the opposite. I’m the one using him. I don’t feel anything for him. I’m not sticking around because I want to get to know him. But I do need him. That’s the only reason I’m still here.

  I’m pretty sure my father doesn’t love me, and I realize how seriously messed up that is. Maybe he and I are more alike than I thought. Maybe cold and emotionless behavior is a family trait. That’s why only one person in my entire life has ever broken through my walls and shown me any love. And how did I repay him? I disappeared and put him through hell.

  When a lump starts to lodge in my throat and my energy starts to build inside me, I work hard to push it down. I’m so tired of all these emotions that keep assaulting me, but I can’t manage to tune them out anymore.

  After a moment, Nikki appears, holding a tequila shot under my nose. “Cheers,” she teases with raised eyebrows.

  Before I can think better of it, I take the shot glass and swallow the tequila in one gulp. Nikki’s shocked eyes are on me as the burn kicks in, and I start to cough. When I can’t seem to stop, I feel the pressure of a large hand at my back as Grant says, “Breathe, Raielle.” And I do, pulling in a breath and glancing around the bar with watery eyes.

  “That was good,” I croak, and everyone, including Shane starts to laugh at me. As I’m watching them, the spark of energy burns out as an odd warmth loosens the pressure inside me. It’s surprising how quickly one shot of tequila is affecting me, and I want more. I want more of this feeling and less of the intensity swirling inside me.

  “Want to do another one?” I ask Nikki.

  She gives me a skeptical look.

  “Make it four,” Shane says. “On me.” He tries to hand some bills to her, but she waves his money away.

  “Her boyfriend is the bartender,” I explain to him.

  He glances at me and then looks down at the floor. “I was kind of expecting you to bust my balls when I said that shit before. Why aren’t you?” he asks, meeting my eyes again.

  I shrug. “I can’t get mad at you for telling the truth.”