To Have and to Harm

by Debra Doxer

  I STEP into the library and see Lucas sitting in a chair. He’s leaning forward, his elbows resting on his knees. His hair is mussed from running his fingers through it, and his eyes are on the fireplace with the flames reflected in their depths. There’s only one other person in the room, a girl curled up on a sofa across from him. She keeps glancing at Lucas¸ and I recognize the look on her face. It’s only a matter of time before she works up the courage to start flirting with him.

  Quietly, I walk farther into the room and bend down beside the chair to place my hand over his on his leg. He doesn’t acknowledge me or move at all, and that sinking feeling I already had in my stomach bottoms out. “I’m sorry,” I tell him quietly.

  His chest rises and falls several times before his eyes finally find mine. But I don’t see the hurt I’m expecting. The look in his eyes is passive. He’s hiding his emotions now, and somehow that makes me feel even worse.

  “I do care about how you feel, Lucas.”

  He leans back, watching me with an unreadable expression. Before I can say anything else, we hear loud cheering coming from the next room. The girl shuts her book and gets to her feet. “I guess it’s over,” she says, and smiles as she walks past us.

  I’m relieved once she’s gone so we can talk without an audience, but Lucas surprises me by standing and gripping my hand to help me up. Then he begins to lead me out wordlessly.

  People are filing out the front door. “After-party at my place,” Shane yells over his shoulder as he descends the stairs. I hear some catcalls and laughter behind him.

  “I’ve just learned that you’re John’s daughter,” an accented voice says from beside me. I turn to see a woman smiling up at me. Her graying hair is pulled back in a low ponytail. Her features are small and delicate. I politely return her grin.

  “I’m Marion. It’s nice to meet you,” she says and begins to turn away.

  “Are you a healer, too,” I ask.

  She nods.

  “Can you tell me why you’re the only…” I hesitate, not sure how to put it. “I mean, everyone is so young. I was wondering why there aren’t any older healers. Not that you’re old…” I add, tripping over my tongue.

  Her smile falls, and I’m sure I must have offended her. “You don’t know?” she asks, looking surprised. “There’s a cutoff, a point in life where you really can’t do it anymore.”

  I stop walking. “Why?”

  “Because it takes something out of you every time,” she explains, like it should be obvious. “When you begin to give more of yourself away than you can spare, it’s time to stop.”

  This is new information and not anything I’ve heard before from my mother or anyone else. “I don’t understand. What does it take out of you?”

  She offers me a sympathetic smile. “It’s the mind that tends to go first. So, knowing when to stop can be a tricky business. But I came late to the game. That’s why I’m still here.”

  “What’s the cutoff, and how are you supposed to know when you’ve reached it?” Lucas asks as my thoughts turn to my grandmother sitting in a nursing home now, nearly catatonic.

  “Everyone is different,” Marion says simply.

  “My father hasn’t stopped. How old is he?” I ask.

  She laughs. “No one knows that for sure. Some say that he’s nearly seventy.”

  My eyes grow wide. “Seventy?”

  “Yes. The rules don’t seem to apply to him.” She glances around and lowers her voice. “At least, he makes sure that they don’t.”

  I shake my head, finding this hard to believe. “How can he be seventy? He barely looks forty.”

  “Drinking his own juice,” Lucas comments. “Just like your brother said.”

  He’s joking, I think, but I turn to Marion, anyway. “Is that possible? Is he using his own energy to keep himself young?”

  Her lips form a tight line. “I don’t know. In all honesty, I don’t want to know.” She starts to move away. “It was very nice meeting you,” she says, seeming regretful for stopping to say hello as she walks swiftly away from us, following the line of people returning to the cars that line the driveway. Lucas watches her, quiet again, before he leads us to his truck.

  We follow slowly behind a line of cars, down the private road and then out onto the street. My mind is filled with everything that happened today—the sick girl, the uncomfortable conversation with Grant, and the strange words from the woman on the steps. But more important is the weight of Lucas’s anger, which still permeates the air between us. He hasn’t said a word since we got into the truck and neither have I.

  Lucas keeps driving past the condo, heading into Santa Monica, and I realize that he’s taking us to the beach, our original plan for the day. After parking by the sand, he says, “Walk with me,” sounding more sad and wistful than angry now. My throat grows tight at his tone.

  The beach isn’t busy tonight. Some kids whiz past, rollerblading on the concrete path that runs parallel to the water. A few dogs and their owners jog by or linger at the shoreline. Lucas takes my hand when we meet on the sidewalk, and he begins to walk, his eyes on the water. The longer he remains silent, the more apprehensive I become. By the time he lowers himself onto the cool sand and brings me down beside him, I’m convinced of what he’s about to say. “You’re leaving, aren’t you?” I ask.

  When his eyes fill with hurt, I wish I could take back my words. “Lucas…”

  “After everything, do you really think I would leave you?” he asks, appearing stunned.

  Swallowing hard, I have to look away from his expression because I’m afraid the answer is yes as I recall his words. “But what you said back at the house…”

  “Ray.” He sighs, and when I glance back at him, he’s running a hand through his tousled hair. “I never said I was leaving. I said that we were leaving, and I meant it.”

  I tense, seeing that he hasn’t changed his mind or really calmed down at all.

  “You still don’t want to go,” he states.

  I shake my head. “Not yet.”

  He angles his body toward me and takes both my hands in his. “You didn’t see what I did today. It was exactly the same as with Penelope. You had that girl lifted off the bed. The lights in the room all got brighter, and your body started shaking like a leaf. Your skin went pale and your eyes squeezed closed. I thought it was happening all over again.”

  The slight tremor in his voice shocks me.

  “I know you need to help people and that you believe it’s a part of who you are. I know you think you have to understand your power better in order to use it. But if you’re being honest with yourself, you’ll admit that you are coming to understand it. You just don’t want to accept what you’re learning.”

  I look away from his intense gaze and let my eyes wander over the expanse of ocean.

  “Your power can hurt you. It works against you,” he continues. “Maybe turning it off like your mother taught you is the best thing you can do.”

  My mind slams the door closed on that suggestion because there is one example that crushes it all to dust. “What about Penelope?” I ask.

  His face tightens. “What about her?”

  “She’s a healthy, happy little girl. Knowing that fills me with such gratitude for what I can do. Refusing to help her was never an option. It’s not a choice I ever would have made. What if there are more people like her that I could help? Like that girl today.”

  He scoffs at that. “Helping Penelope nearly killed you. The same thing almost happened again just now. What’s it going to take to get through to you? Your healing always comes at a price, and you’re the one paying it. I know you don’t want to believe that the power you have could be something terrible. But you need to face that possibility. You need to open your eyes.”

  “My eyes are open, Lucas.” When he tries to release my hand, I grip him harder. “I remember something else you told me back in Fort Upton. You said that power itself isn’t evil, only the wield
er of it.”

  He shakes his head. “I was wrong. I said that before you healed Penelope and before we knew why your mother was murdered. I said it before we met your father and your brother.”

  I pull him in closer. “You were right. I’ve always known that I was meant to help people. I let my mother convince me otherwise for a while, and I pretended that I didn’t feel this need to heal those who are hurting. But I’ve been fooling myself. Now that my power is growing, I can’t pretend it doesn’t exist again. I can’t suppress what everything inside me is telling me I’m supposed to do. My father has turned his power into a commodity, and he may be corrupted by it, but that doesn’t mean I have to be. I have my own place in this. I just need to figure out what it is.”

  As he watches me, I can feel his frustration. When he tears his eyes from mine to look out at the water again, I follow his gaze to find swatches of gold stretched across the sky, bronzing the waves below. The beauty of it breaks my heart. We should be enjoying this view together, not arguing and missing a moment we could be sharing.

  “What if you’re wrong?” he asks quietly.

  I watch a seagull dive down into the waves. “Then at least I’ll know.”

  “No. You’ll be devastated at best and completely broken at worst.”

  My breathing hitches when I look back at him. His gaze is on me again, and the tenderness I see there is overwhelming. But I have no words to reassure him, and I have no right to ask him to go through this with me. “Maybe,” I answer.

  He just watches my face as his throat works against his emotion, and somehow I know he’s backing down, reining himself in. I wish things could be different, that I could do what he wants. “It won’t always be this way,” I say. “Once this is done, I’m going to make sure you get your life back. No more sacrificing your plans for me.”

  He gives me a strange look, like I’m way off base. “It’s no sacrifice. That’s not what this is about.” He wraps his hand around the nape of my neck and leans his face close to mine. “No matter what happens, I’m not leaving you. Please believe that.”

  I nod at him, trying hard to hold back my tears. His words warm me even as something else, something bittersweet, claws at me, saying that I’m being selfish, that I shouldn’t take what he’s giving. But deep down I know that I don’t have a choice. This is where I need to be now, and I need him, too.

  He keeps me close as we watch the sun sink into the ocean together. More than anything, I want him to be happy. I want us to get out from under this dark cloud. Lucas needs to know there’s going to be a light at the end of the tunnel because I believe there will be. Since he came back into my life, he’s helped me to believe it.

  I turn to face him and say, “The day might be over, but the night isn’t. We can still do something fun. Let’s drive out to Malibu for dinner. We’ll take the night off from everything and pretend we’re normal,” I suggest brightly.

  I can see that I’ve taken him by surprise. One side of his mouth hitches up. “Pretend we’re normal?”

  “Well, you are normal. So, I guess I’ll be doing the pretending.”

  His eyes narrow, not liking my attempt at self-deprecation. “Normal is overrated. Malibu, huh? Someplace on the water?”

  I nod.

  He seems to think about it. “I could be up for that.”

  His arm comes around me as we watch the final remnants of the day disappear from the sky. Then we get back in the truck, and I give him directions. We start off with no real destination in mind, just open to finding someplace that catches our eyes. We turn off the highway and pass a few small restaurants and a bunch of noisy touristy places before the trees clear and a large expanse of dark ocean becomes visible in the distance.

  “There,” he says, pointing to a place that seems to cling to the cliff side. It’s small and not too crowded. I can see orange lights strung along a balcony that overlooks the water.

  Lucas parks and shoots me a familiar look when I reach out to open my door. “Oh.” I smile, dropping my hand into my lap. Then I wait a moment until my door is opened, and he extends his hand to me. I’m grinning widely as he helps me down and pulls me in for a hug before taking my hand.

  Once we get inside, we’re seated out on the balcony we spotted from the road. What happens next feels like a dream. There’s a gentle breeze in the air and our backdrop is the ocean, a dark moving mass glinting in the moonlight. The food is good, although I barely notice it. We keep the conversation light as our hands link on the table and our legs brush against each other beneath it. We prolong the evening, ordering dessert and lingering before paying the bill.

  When my phone dings, I’m surprised. Lucas is the only one who calls me, and he’s right here. I pull it out of my bag and see a text from Nikki the Awesome. It’s the first one I’ve received since she put her number in. I grin at what she called herself.

  “Anything important?” Lucas asks.

  “Nikki wants us to meet her at a club.” I glance up at him. My automatic response is always no. But I feel like going tonight. The idea of dancing close to Lucas and showing him off gives me a little thrill just thinking about it. “What do you think?”

  He sits back. “Do you want to?”

  I look down at my sundress. It isn’t exactly club attire, but it will do. I smile and nod.

  “Which one?”

  “Johnny Red’s. Do you know it? It’s right near campus, but I’ve never been.”

  Lucas doesn’t respond at first. Then he nods and gulps down the rest of his water. Before I can question his hesitation, he says, “Let’s go for a walk on the beach first.”

  He points to a set of wooden stairs that lead down to the shore. Since the moon is nearly full, we’re able to see our way to the sand. It’s chillier closer to the water, but I shake my head when he asks me if I’m cold. There’s no way the cold is going to stop me from taking a romantic walk on the beach with him.

  We stroll silently hand in hand along the waterline. When Lucas stops and pulls me against him, my heart skips as I stare into his shadowed eyes. His thick hair gets tossed around in the wind, and his square jaw is even more pronounced in the dim light. Everything about him is achingly beautiful. My fingers trace over his shoulders down to his hard, muscled chest.

  His hands sweep through my hair and then run over my back, making my whole body vibrate beneath his touch. I pull his head down to mine and nip at his full lower lip.

  With his arms tight around me, he shifts his hips forward, letting the evidence of his desire rub against me. When I rub back, he breaks away breathlessly. “This is real nice and all.” His voice sounds thick. “But let’s go home.”

  “You mean go to the club. I already texted Nikki to let her know we’d be there.”

  “Right,” he replies, his eyes closing.

  “We won’t stay long.” I lean up for a kiss, smiling at what I know he’d rather be doing. “I promise,” I whisper by his ear.

  Before I know what’s happening, he grabs my arm and brings it over his shoulder. Then he picks me up piggyback style and runs all the way up the steps with me giggling behind him.

  It’s nearly eleven thirty when we arrive. Lucas has to park a few blocks away, and then we have to stand in line to get in. It’s after midnight by the time I text Nikki again to let her know we’re here. Inside Johnny Red’s it’s dark, packed with people, and the air is thick and steamy.

  Nikki finds us as we’re pushing through the crowd. She’s dressed in a sequined tank top with red leggings and black boots. She’s breathless, and her face shines with perspiration. “We’ve got a table by the dance floor,” she yells. Then she grabs my hand and drags me behind her.

  I look over my shoulder to make sure Lucas is following. He’s behind me, scanning the room, and I can’t help but notice the girls who are noticing him. But Nikki is chattering away at me and pulling me along too fast for me to go back there and wrap my arm around him to let them know he’s not available.


  The table is full when we get there. I spot Jason’s hulking form right away, but the rest of them are only vaguely familiar faces that I’ve run into at Nikki’s apartment. She goes around the table introducing us, and we all nod at one another.

  “We’ll grab some more chairs,” she offers, then she orders Jason to do it. He’s halfway up when Lucas says, “Don’t sweat it. We’re going to dance first.” His hands land on my hips and he shoots me a speculative look.

  I smile my response. Then I drop my bag on the table and let him lead me through the sea of bodies on the dance floor to a spot with just enough room for us to squeeze ourselves in. He drapes my arms around his neck before his hands return to my hips, moving me in time with him as the lights and music pulse around us. This is exactly what I imagined when Nikki asked us to come. I knew Lucas would be a good dancer. He moves so fluidly when he does ordinary everyday things. We danced once before, at the prom, but that was just swaying to a slow song, not the rhythmic moving he’s doing with me now. And I know female eyes are still on him, but his eyes are on me, and I feel a sense of pride and satisfaction. They all want him, but he’s all mine.

  The music is loud, and my body is already slick with sweat when Lucas lowers his lips to the crook of my neck and starts to suck lightly on my skin. I sigh, tilting my head to the side to give him better access. We’re moving in perfect unison, and I’m so turned on right now, I can hardly breathe.

  The song changes to a faster one, but Lucas keeps our rhythm the same. His hands move up and down my back now before his arms wrap around me and his leg shifts between mine. When his thigh pushes up against me, my eyes squeeze shut. Lust nearly makes my knees buckle, and Lucas’s laughter rings in my ear as his arms bear my weight. Our dance is turning into a slow form of sensual torture. I endure it until I feel like I may explode or tear his clothes off right there on the dance floor. It’s that last thought that finally wakes me up.